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it's called power exchange for a reason Here's the thing, right? If we looked at a vanilla relationship where one person was putting in a tremendous amount of effort and was always doing things for their partner and was always going that extra mile but there seemed to be no reciprocation - we'd think that was fucked up. We'd talk about how the partner putting in all that effort was being taken advantage of, was unappreciated, was not valuing themselves enough... We'd fail to grasp what made the relationship worth it. And, let's be honest, there are a lot of D/s and power exchange dynamic relationships that can look like that from the outside - you know, to an unassuming eye. If you identify as a slave or a service submissive (or something else entirely) who gets pleasure and joy, etc. out of serving then people on the outside may look at your dynamic and think it's unfair. They may think you're being taken advantage of. They may think you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. They may think you're subservient, weak, a doormat... But what we know - that these outside, unassuming, unknowing people don't - is that a power exchange goes both ways. Or at least it's meant to. That's why we call it an exchange, right? Some people even go so far as to write up and sign a contract. Exchange of goods, exchange of services... No relationship should ever be one-sided but, I'd like to think, a D/s relationship least of all. So many people I talk to and follow and stalk the writing of like to trumpet D/s practitioners (God, that sounds pretentious - but for lack of a better phrase, we'll go with it) as being exceptional communicators. There's a lot of talk about how because what we do can be dangerous in a lot of ways, can involve giving up parts of yourself, can involve edge play - that we need to be stronger communicators, better communicators, all-the-fucking-time communicators. And I'd like to think there's at least a little bit of truth to that. A friend of mine always used to say that if you can put your guy's dick in your mouth then you should be able to talk to him about your problems. I like to extrapolate from that and say that if you're going to let someone beat you black and blue you sure as hell better be able to talk to them first, during, after. But I digress. A D/s relationship shouldn't be one-sided because there should be a concrete understanding of what both sides of the slash are getting. A power exchange should, to my mind, be just that - an exchange. It doesn't even have to be equal - you know, if that's not your thing - but it should certainly not fall entirely to one party to hold up the dynamic and keep it going. I am a sub. I identity as a sub. I don't identify as a service submissive - but there are aspects of service submission that greatly appeal to me and that, when done for Daddy, bring me great joy. I've never felt that way for another person. I give. I give a lot. I give so much that sometimes it threatens to drag me down. I do that to myself. I do. I know I do. I always have. Boundaries are important. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves so we don't get dragged under. And I've gotten better at those. But for the right person? I'd give and give and give and give - and keep on giving without even realizing it. Sometimes it sneaks up on me. I've been in power exchange relationships where things were completely one-sided. Where I didn't know yet how to set boundaries and where I thought that giving to extremes was the way to show I cared. Where the other person wanted to take advantage of that - knew they could take advantage of that - and did. So, I know better than some that a power exchange dynamic should be an exchange. If you're going to give and give - if your relationship is going to be structured so that you give and give - then, to my mind, you should be getting things back. The other person on the other side of the slash should be giving things too. I've learned, both as a sub and as a giver, that it's okay to want things from my partner in a power exchange dynamic. It's okay to ask for things from him. It's okay to expect things from him. Hell, occasionally, it's even okay to demand things from him. I give. I give a lot. I'm allowed to ask for things in return. I want structure. I want rules. I want to be held accountable. I want to come up with a mutually agreed-upon set of rules that help to achieve goals that I've set for myself and that my partner and I have set for each other and then, you know, be held to them. I want punishment. I want commands and directives. I want things. It's not that I can't decide things for myself. It's not that I can't pick my own underwear or determine how much Diet Coke is too much or decide when to go to bed. It's just that I like it better when I do it for him. I like it better when he's guiding me. I am a smart and capable individual who can live life on my own. But I choose not to. I give - and give and give and give - to make his life easier. But it's his job to make my life easier too. It's his job to take the thinking out of some of those things that maybe I drag my feet on if I'm left to my own devices. Because that's the exchange we've agreed to. That's what we've agreed to give one another. So, I'll make his bed (hate it), I'll tie his shoes (love it), I'll cook for him (!!!) and clean for him (ugh) and give up control of my orgasms for him and suck his dick whenever he tells me to. Because he told me he'd take care of me. Because he wants to give me rules. Because he promised to give me pleasure. Because he promised to hold me accountable. Because these are (just some of) the things we've agreed to give one another. It's called power exchange for a reason. Just food for thought. ~dirtylittlebookworm  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Lovely description of how it goes both ways.. or it should.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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It's always a compromise from both sides. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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That was so insightful. Couldn't agree more. It is so difficult and empty when you give and give only to receive nothing back. it feels like your so taken advantage of by one you trusted. The loss of trust lasts far beyond the moment and regretfully colors your view. Thank you. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Well written, but a bit obvious for those on this site. You speak of a comparison rationale based on the out world called vanilla. Of course they would see many things we do here as off or uneven. The harmony in TPE is measured by the two people involved. In their world the population is 2. They have their own language as well as their own metric. Nothing they do would translate at any time or place or person. It would be unknowable to anyone else; even someone in BDSM. Again, well written. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Lovely description of how it goes both ways.. or it should.
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The more power we take, the more power we give. The deeper the trust . . the deeper the commitment. The real measure of your power, is the size of the smile on your partners face. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I really liked this piece. I also thought it was insightful. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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It's always a compromise from both sides.
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There are all kinds of D/s relationships. I agree there should be giving going both ways. But there are some who enjoy it going one way. But even then there is USUALLY something going back to the giver, disciple, the joy of giving, the thrill of humiliation. The back and forth isn't alway sobvious. It depends on the dynamic.
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3/16/2022 6:01 am |
The more power we take, the more power we give. The deeper the trust . . the deeper the commitment. The real measure of your power, is the size of the smile on your partners face.
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That was so insightful. Couldn't agree more. It is so difficult and empty when you give and give only to receive nothing back. it feels like your so taken advantage of by one you trusted. The loss of trust lasts far beyond the moment and regretfully colors your view. Thank you.
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Well written, but a bit obvious for those on this site. You speak of a comparison rationale based on the out world called vanilla. Of course they would see many things we do here as off or uneven. The harmony in TPE is measured by the two people involved. In their world the population is 2. They have their own language as well as their own metric. Nothing they do would translate at any time or place or person. It would be unknowable to anyone else; even someone in BDSM. Again, well written.
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1 post 3/16/2022 3:44 am |
My submissive friend asked me to switch. She was having powerful dreams of being the Dom. She wanted to do me as I did her. To use me, to bend me over and fuck me wildly. These are her words. I said yes and turned myself over to her.
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Couldn't agree more with this Thx fox Sir
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 "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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