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Safe Word Use Is A Skill That Must Be Practiced There are very few people who are natural at anything in life. Often these naturals are thought of as athletes or even professionals who are just gifted at their craft. Now I am sure here on the internet you can find some manchildren that proclaim to be naturally skilled at dominance because they started ‘dominating’ the neighborhood girls at the ripe old age of five. Even if the lifestyle has a natural draw and has felt like coming home to a person, the skills that are used during the fun and play of the lifestyle are things that everyone needs to learn as well as practice. For those that love impact play, for example, they must know their implements as well as where to and more importantly where not to strike their partner. There is a lifestyle skill that everyone needs to practice with their partner but I am confident not many people have practiced this and those who have more than likely could use a refresher on it. This skill is important and honestly is a life-saving technique that demands proficiency. The item I am advocating expertise with is safe word use. In my score of lifestyle experience, it seems like yesterday I was bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed, though I knew it all when I knew nothing. Thank God for patient mentors, I have heard numerous stories that include a phrase that went like this “I wanted to safe word but I did not know how” or “I wanted to safe word but I was too worried I would disappoint”. Sadly, in every one of these cases, following these incidents, the relationship slowly fell into a spiral of doom leading to the dissolution of the partnership. Over time I pondered this phenomenon and at the time I was in a relationship. Just like all I hope all lifestyle partners we had had “the safe word” conversation but nothing more about it. When I had this thought about safe words, I discussed it again with my partner and we both agreed that it would be good to practice this skill and for both of us to become proficient with it. For her, it was learning how to say it because she shared that it is very hard sometimes to find her words when she was floating but even though she knew we were practicing it, there was still a touch of worry that I might be disappointed. For me, I learned how important it is to make sure my partner felt loved, cherished, and adored when she said it so that through repetition, she would learn that there was no negativity, only love. More importantly, I discovered that I needed to make sure I always pay special attention to and for the safe word because when a person is ‘floating’ sometimes they can believe they are speaking loudly and clearly but what comes out is barely audible semi-garbled whisper. So, through practice, she improved her ability to find words as well as speak them when floating and I learned how to tune in even more to my partner and those sometimes-disjointed whispered words. The actual exercise of working on safe word skills probably will seem unromantic, a mood breaker, but it can be made to be fun and exciting. A quick side note here, by practice I do not mean the d-type is behaving like an idiot knowingly doing something or pushing their partner over a line into a hard limit. An example of a practice session would be having the dominant pleasuring their submissive six ways from Sunday, in ways they adore and when the d-type knows their submissive is in a state of intense bliss, continue the pleasures but have them clearly and loudly say their safe word. When they say it, STOP! Seriously, we all know I should not have to say stop but this is Online so we shall leave it at that. Praise and reward the living daylights out of the submissive for saying it. Teach them they are loved, cherished, and as their dominant you are ecstatic, they were able to find their voice and clearly express their safe word. Repeating a fun ‘game’ like this will ingrain in your partner how to distinctively safe words and have the confidence to know its use will be rewarded with love and happiness rather than disappointment. A second spin on this is the dominant expresses all the erotic and wonderful things they are going to do to and with their submissive during upcoming play, sort of putting together a greatest hits session for the submissive. As a bonus, the dominant tells the submissive that they expect them to randomly safe word once, twice or whatever number seems to fit during this playtime. The goal here is not only to reinforce how to vocalize the safe word and that the s-type is treasured for its use but it also works to teach the d-type to listen for it since they will not know when it will happen. Using a safe word during play is a skill that can truly be relationship-saving and even more importantly lifesaving. This skill is something that I believe many in the lifestyle do not work to be experts with but everyone needs to be. While it is true it may not be the most erotic lifestyle area to become an expert in, every D/S partnership I believe needs to invest the time to practice and learn until everyone in the relationship is skilled with safe words. ©TLK2022  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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6/1/2022 12:09 am |
Hello
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I'm a firm believer in a safeword however some slaves cannot use it. It's back to fundamentals that the master has the master has responsibility for her safety of well being. Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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Very good points and ideas, including about selecting a safe word that isn't just something random.
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I had never thought about safe word practice before!
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If someone finds such an exercise unromantic and a spell breaker they haven't understood much of BDSM. It's the journey we go together that is important, and not just in BDSM. The learning and improving of our skills, both as a dom and sub. And I don't mean skills in how to best wield the whip or take a particular treatment without a whimper or such things . But the skills to communicate, share and exchange experiences, and learn to tune into each other. If a dom wouldn't be interested afterwards in what I had felt during it all, he probably never even had come close to be my dom in the first place, but he sure wouldn't be much longer my dom. And if he can't talk to me about his own feelings he has during a session and also more general, then he would quickly loose my respect. It's the sharing and trust that makes this all possible, and that means also being able to talk with each other about the more hidden things, including our deepest feelings without fear to be judged or misunderstood and then chastised for it.
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It somehow comes to that moment where the sub may think she will be a disappointment for her Dom if she uses the safeword or in some other form say no to what has been suggested/done. Whether it will be a matter of practice between the two, or the sub herself will have enough confidence to say it alone, being aware that in the end, it is better to disappoint someone else rather than disappoint yourself by accepting something that is beyond your own limits, feeling safe and being comfortable with. If the other side does not understand that, it is only proof of doing the right thing when using the safe word, simply saying no, or stopping at the point you feel it is the right time. Who does not understand and accept your no, does not deserve you yes.
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5/29/2022 2:18 am |
This is a very well written piece. It is informative on real life scenarios and situations. It is not a Do's and Don'ts textbook monologue. It places you in the scene.
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This is an excellent piece. It's very informative about the use of safe words, and the value of using them "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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