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So...What Are You Into? It seems that the phrase “What are you into?” is one of the standard pickup lines used in the world of lifestyle dating. Now it is nowhere near as crass as some of the messages submissives receive but this one I know is used by both d-types and s-types. Not only is there that amazing line designed to find out if someone is kink compatible, but they're also sites out there where you can take a BDSM ‘quiz’ and in a hundred questions or less, the site will tell you what percentage dominant, submissive, switch, polyamorous, monogamous, sadist or masochist you are plus there are those old fashioned spreadsheets out there with just about every fetish known for a person to scroll through, pick if they are into, not into, curious about, how much they are into/not into, hard limits and I cannot forget a place for comments. All of this makes me just want to facepalm because sadly many people in the lifestyle seem to have forgotten that finding a partner, a relationship, and dare I say, love, is still about people coming together, connecting as individuals, and having an attachment develop. Now I am not saying that kinks, fetishes, and lifestyle roles are not all parts of the process of lifestyle dating and relationships but every person is so much deeper than just “what they are into” and with this in mind, I want to share why I am not a fan of lifestyle quiz results or checklists: I am not a sum of a list and there is so much more to me than words that name or describe activities that I enjoy. The list leads to a spreadsheet mentality when getting to know someone new. People can look at my results, see that we match on 7 of the 10 things, and then assume there is a match made in kinky heaven. Unfortunately, relationships are not that easy. People cannot be matched up based on data, no matter how hard eHarmony markets its ‘scientific’ approach trying to convince everyone otherwise. I believe the list causes people to want to talk about the kinky side of things too quickly. I have found that when two kinky people begin to get to know each other that when the time is right, the ‘kink’ will naturally make its way into the conversation. Adding the list can make it happen before it is naturally ready. Some people say they would never be with a partner who would not do kink/sex activity X. I could never dismiss a possible partner because I wanted X and they wanted Z. If it is the right fit, both will discover the joys of each other rather than focus on specific acts. Intimacy is an amazing part of a relationship but I find people who insist on having a certain kink that this specific act is more important than a person. Which for me, is quite sad. My kinks are ever-evolving and quite simply, I do not want to have to keep a list that will be out of date tomorrow and have ten new things to add in three days. My mind is what drives me in the world of kink. This lifestyle is a very mental experience for me and the physical side of it is just icing on the cake. Because things are mental for me, I am not about matching up kinks but matching up minds. When I find that connection, things that I might think of as a “must” become irrelevant and something I had not considered jumps to a must-have. So often in the world of kink, it is very easy to get caught up in the fantasy or lust for specific activities however when we do that we lose sight of the most important part of it all. People and those we choose to invite into a relationship are much more significant than a list of kinks. This is why I believe it is time we set aside the lists, labels, and preset ideals, and return to investing in and getting to know people for who they are inside rather than the fetishes they admit to on the outside. *Unknown  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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My kinks are ever changing also. Nice blog  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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That is a quite profound read. I have, and happily, filled out said questionnaire, as well to explore myself as to find ideas in the world of kink which I might otherwise not have had. I do not define me by my kinks, nor do I expect a preospective partner to match exactly, but if they are into the same things as I am, a relationship where my fantasies, needs and desires will be met can be more likely. I would never rule out a relationship where the kinks do not match. Though I know that I might not be perfect for a true masochist, because I am not sadistic at all. If someone NEEDS a certain kind of stimulation, i guess it makes a kind of sense to make that the Litmustest for potential partners. But still, even a partner who is not into ones specific kink might agree to allowing time with other people who provide this kind of treatment. Rambling, sorry. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Once again, very well-stated. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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"and return to investing in and getting to know people for who they are inside" - you can absolutely never be sure who they are inside, no matter what they say or what they do.. there are so very skilled double faced liars, cold, cruel, selfish monsters, who will both tell and do whatever is needed to get the admiration and attention they need. Maybe its better to stick to kink and fetishes and if there is any chemistry at least have a great bedroom fun... rather than waste your time in getting to know someone's inside world while they don't give a sh** about yours... pardon my language... "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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When a combination of many things gel they create a vision. It is something unique. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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the idea that for a dom, one could love them absolutely for that moment in their presence seems intriguing to me. How often do we absolutely commit to anything ?
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That is a quite profound read. I have, and happily, filled out said questionnaire, as well to explore myself as to find ideas in the world of kink which I might otherwise not have had. I do not define me by my kinks, nor do I expect a preospective partner to match exactly, but if they are into the same things as I am, a relationship where my fantasies, needs and desires will be met can be more likely. I would never rule out a relationship where the kinks do not match. Though I know that I might not be perfect for a true masochist, because I am not sadistic at all. If someone NEEDS a certain kind of stimulation, i guess it makes a kind of sense to make that the Litmustest for potential partners. But still, even a partner who is not into ones specific kink might agree to allowing time with other people who provide this kind of treatment. Rambling, sorry. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. __Yogi Berra
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"and return to investing in and getting to know people for who they are inside" - you can absolutely never be sure who they are inside, no matter what they say or what they do.. there are so very skilled double faced liars, cold, cruel, selfish monsters, who will both tell and do whatever is needed to get the admiration and attention they need. Maybe its better to stick to kink and fetishes and if there is any chemistry at least have a great bedroom fun... rather than waste your time in getting to know someone's inside world while they don't give a sh** about yours... pardon my language...
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My kinks are ever changing also. Nice blog
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Once again, very well-stated.
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The thing about those questionnaires that is useful, at least for new folks, is that it details various activities they may not know about or simply do not understand them fully. They need not fill it out and publish it, but can use it as a reference to find out what those various activities are. They can then determine if they want to do some or not. It can be used to ask questions of perspective dominants. With h e use of open ended questions, such as what is your experience, feeling, opinion and so forth. Let the prospective partner detail. Then screen out those not compatible. I have filled them out int he past, it lets submissive know what to a degree what I am into or not as the case may be. They can rule me pout or learn more about me if they choose. But like you state, it is not the only way to get to know a person and determine one's interest. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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My eight year old tormented me until I bought her a goldfish. Then she ask which is more important the water or the fish . . I explained that the fish would die without the water. She said, then the water is more important . . I told that the fish gives the water purpose. She giggled an said Dad it's a little fish. No matter what kind of fish you are; be it a shark, stingray, whale or little gold fish don't forget you aren't the water, you are just the fish.
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another reason why Men are from Mars & women are from Venus well w online dating sites there is a certain anonymity to be a alter ego of yourself able to freely discuss things you normally wouldn't in person! seX is very vital crucial part of a relationship of reconnecting rejuvenating rebonding thou it’s only a small part of the whole relationship it’s a very important & crucial part of it needs to be great somebody l can’t be w o...all vanilla activitys shared together are meaningless w o the great seX attraction & chemistry together...hence why many (me included!) focus on kink similarities cuz if we’re not a match in bdrm I’m not interested in forging a connection...l don’t need a friend I want a friend lover & companion that rocks my world & l theirs!
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mutual enjoyment which leads to a better appreciation of being
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1/19/2023 5:09 am |
For me its past experiences and anticipation of new ones. But i am a pleaser so if my partner wants it i am ok with most things.
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gooos divine women
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1/19/2023 4:16 am |
You are into what you are into largely because of a past relationship. Be open
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When a combination of many things gel they create a vision. It is something unique.
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"My mind is what drives me in the world of kink. This lifestyle is a very mental experience for me and the physical side of it is just icing on the cake" I agree with this statement, 100% "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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