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May I Have The Definition Please? Defining Lifestyle Roles Within the D/S lifestyle, there are all sorts of labels that people choose to attach to themselves. People are not can goods at the grocery store and should be judged for who they are rather than the brand attached to their outside, it is understandable why we do this. Since labels are a necessary component of the lifestyle, it is important to understand the definitions of identifiers while researching the role(s) so each person can define their label and how it works for them. To begin with, the submissive side of the proverbial slash, and the best place to start is to share a description of submissive. A submissive is strong, capable, hard-working, dedicated, has their proverbial poop in a group (or as best as anyone can), they do not need a partner/dominant to handle or make choices for them in life, and are often the go-to person among their friends and/or co-workers. A submissive chooses to pick a dominant partner to get to know, date, and build a relationship with, and should they decide to offer their submission it is done because the d-type has earned this precious gift. The gift of submission is always freely given by a submissive. Not only that but a submissive is equal in their relationship, they are never less than others because they have decided to follow the leadership of their chosen dominant. This is on my blog D/S spelled with both letters capitalized because neither partner is above or below the other, they are always equal. A D/S relationship is a union of equals and every submissive has the right and as well as an expectation of speaking up when there is an issue, disagreeing with their d-type, and most importantly every s-type can say no at any time, for any reason plus every submissive can revoke their submission once again at any time and for any reason. This is also true with terminating a relationship, a s-type does not need the ‘permission’ of their dominant to end things, the submissive, just like any person has the ability and right to say “Peace, I am out of here” whenever, however, and for whatever reason(s) they desire. Lastly, submissive is not in any way gender-specific. Any individual can be any lifestyle role they wish and things like gender or sexual orientation have zero to do with roles in the D/S lifestyle. A dominant is a person who wants to or does lead their partner(s). A d-type is an individual who has earned the trust, respect, and love of their submissive partner(s), and because the dominant has earned these the submissive has given and freely consented to give the gift of their submission to their dominant. D-types work to lead their submissives to grow, achieve, and live their dreams. Often people think that dominants hold the power in a lifestyle partnership but the truth is it is always the submissive because they can say no for any reason and at any time. D-types work with their s-type to craft the framework which will determine the specificities of power exchange in the relationship as well as the methods and reasons for the dominant to hold the submissive accountable which is most often seen as rules/guidelines and punishment/correction. A dominant is a lighthouse in the relationship providing a guiding beacon for the submissive to follow but it is always the submissive’s choice. Just like submissive, the role of dominant is not gender-specific because anyone can be dominant should the role suit them, gender and sexual orientation have no bearing on this. Many people overlook this next role or perhaps do not even know it exists and so it is time to clear this up. Not only are there dominants and submissives in the lifestyle but there is a third role of the switch. Some in the lifestyle try to brand switches as indecisive, seeking to get the best of both worlds or that somehow this role is less than which is all poppycock. Switches typically gravitate to the d or s side depending on their partner(s) and how energy flows between them. A switch is not a role to be looked down upon but one the community needs to embrace, and fully accept, just like dominant and submissive sexual orientation and gender are not a factor. Additionally, under the umbrella of D/S, several additional labels help further define the roles. These are often fluid as individuals can have traits or desires that are made of various parts of these. A great place to begin with those who are just plain dominant or submissive. This would be a very traditional identifier. The best way to sum these up, without writing a novella, is d-types who find soulful joy in leading their submissive in a consensual relationship. The traditional dominant/submissive, more often than other styles, I feel will be more service and/or protocol-driven. It is protocol and service that, for me, are hallmarks of tradition. This one is no bs even its abbreviation of M/S, which stands for master and slave, sounds similar. On a personal note, this title is something the lifestyle as a whole needs to change. The use of slavery triggers my mind to think of the horrors of actual human slavery which is not a thing of the past but still exists, even in the richest countries. People take this label because of two main reasons. No, it is not because like in the Seinfeld episode, they are masters of their domain but rather on the dominant side of things a person who is a master must have invested a significant about of time mastering as well as teaching a skill within the wizarding world of BDSM. Another place for this label is a lifestyle partnership which is both current and in real life with the dominant, in this case, master, having a submissive partner who identifies as a slave. A word of warning, the honorific of master/mistress when used online needs to be very carefully scrutinized. Many of the esteemed online twattwaffle community take these titles not because they have invested years learning a special lifestyle skill nor are they in a relationship with a slave but because they have selected it because it sounds impressive. Online, I recommend being cautious of anyone who has taken one of the M’s as a title, unless, of course, you are chatting with the M, head of MI-6 and your name is Bond, James Bond. Next, the fast-growing subset, especially online and/or a very popular starting point for newer people. This is the category of mommy/daddy dominants and the submissives who seek them. Some of the s-types that have or desire this type of d-type are called littles where the relationship will include age regression. Not every dominant or submissive in this group finds age regression a fit but many are often drawn by the fact that rather than emphasizing service and protocols of more traditional lifestylers these partnerships are led by those who are typically more parental in structure and style. Stop being a brat! You will get to the end of this post fast enough and you can get back to looking for online porn. Time to talk about the brat tamer and the brat. Typically a bratty s-type will more often than not be saucy with others than their d-type because a look or the right stern words will nip things in the bud. While this is not always the case, those who identify as brats do not act up/out to seek attention from their dominant and are often very obedient when they find the right partner. A brat’s sass typically comes because they are self-confidently coupled with the knowledge that the only person who they have to reign themselves in for, is their dominant, aka brat tamer. Now it is time to get the Property Brothers in here and, um, no that probably is not the best idea. Somehow I do not think home and garden TV programming would work well with BDSM although this next group is those who on the d-side of things think of themselves as property owners and their submissive partner(s) as owned property. An owner will typically think of their s-type as simply property. They may treat their s-type this way all of the time or perhaps just some of the time. If you are newer to the lifestyle this might sound shocking and maybe a bit disconcerting but some submissives enjoy behaving like a piece of furniture, a pet (role-playing a kitten/puppy commonplace), and remember these relationships are always done with the consent of all involved. This one might do more than just sting for a minute it is going to hurt so well, provided you consent and are into this category. Sadists and masochists are people who take pleasure in consensually giving/receiving pain as pleasure, often in a sexual/sensual manner. The pain given or sought, it should be noted, is not always physical as some want it only to be mental anguish or a combination of mental as well as physical. Once again, it is important to note that this always happens with consent and if there is no consent, it is abuse. Also, there is the commonly held belief, especially online, that a sadist is or must be dominant. This is not true and if you venture into your local in-person community, since it is more likely to be encountered in person than online, you will find people who might, for example, identify as submissive in their relationship, a little, a brat, and yet a sadist. If you ask nicely they will draw a pretty picture of your bruised butt after they beat it. Sadists and masochists do have cousins in the lifestyle that are softer and much more sensual. These are often called sensual or sexual sadists/masochists. While pain is a pleasure again here, that pain is often softer and often included with or part of the foreplay leading up to and including coitus. It needs to be pointed out that D/S does not have to include anything painful and many people practice the lifestyle without giving or receiving even pain. Often those who are new believe pain play to be a requirement of the lifestyle and this is 100% false. When someone says leather to you, what do you think about it? Maybe it is a jacket or perhaps an episode of Friends that chronicled Ross’ misadventure of trying to get his sweaty legs back into his leather pants. Spoiler alert, it did not end well for him. Here in the lifestyle there are Leathermen and do not let the name fool you, Leathermen are not just men. This group had its origins following World War Two when groups of gay veterans formed motorcycle clubs. Leathermen used to be comprised almost exclusively of gay men. Now, it is much different and accepting of all people regardless of gender or orientation who enjoy the sensuality of leather. This group is often stereotyped not only as gay but as being very “old guard” and protocol-driven but this is also false. While some people are old school/protocol-based, this group includes many who are very modern. One of the fun things is in the local community here, there is a strong leather group and not only is one of the most respected leaders a woman, a few years ago they earned the title locally of “Mr. Leather”. A final note, in your explorations online you meet a d-type who claims they were trained/taught by the leather community ten or more years ago while identifying as a straight male, this should set off internal alarm bells. This community has always been very protective, especially in the past when society was less accepting of gay men, thus men who did not identify as LGBTQIA+ would have had to invest plenty of time building relationships and trust to be accepted. It is not impossible but is unlikely, thus the red flag. Now it is time to talk about some animals. Not party animals, the many internet doms who use the same wolf picture in their profile, or my favorite Muppett, Animal. This group is the primals and primal preys who are often unfiltered or a touch coarse. While those who are on the primal side of things may be without filter and/or animalistic this group can also be loving and soft. Now to talk about a role that may mean someone is in the D/S lifestyle or it could mean they are vanilla extract. What is a vanilla extract person? A fun term for those who enjoy some kinky yumminess or f*ckery in their life but the rest of the lifestyle is not for them. This is a top or bottom. A top is a person who enjoys being in charge during a play scene while the bottom is the opposite. They may not be dominant or submissive outside of play but they could be. A good way to look at a top/bottom is they enjoy D/S role play, often in the bedroom, but it is unknown if they embrace that lifestyle outside of this realm. This is what many of those who come to D/S just looking for play should choose as a role rather than saying they are a d or s type when the only time that label applies is during play. Some people identify as D/S but these people are more lifeguards and drowning swimmers in need of rescue. Now, this sounds pretty noble if a person identifies as dominant while wanting to save others but it should leave you questioning if they are truly dominant. The reason for this is these white knights are focused on rescuing endangered people identifying as submissives. These d-types rush in to save an s-type drowning in one of life’s tough situations, lead them to shore and give them first aid onshore but after that, there is nothing left for either the lifeguard or the saved. The fetish is about saving and being saved. Perhaps a better way to say it rather than being saved is to not have to handle life when it gives a donkey situation most commonly created by the rescued person’s bad decisions. Once saved from the sea of mistakes, the lifeguard wants to find another in need of saving and the rescued is now safe enabling them to return to making poor life choices since they did not have to learn as they were saved. These people have a kink for saving or being saved rather than pursuing a relationship once the Baywatch cameras turn off. When you hear the word trainer, what do you think of it? Training wheels on a bike? A medical professional that runs onto a sports field when an athlete is injured? The person at the gym who motivates you to do a few more reps? In the lifestyle, there is a group, mostly men, taking the role of trainer, who love to get their hands on brand new submissives, to train them. Many of these so-called teachers can make it look like it is a noble calling, they are doing it to give back to the lifestyle. This is often very appealing to new or undereducated submissives. The truth is that they just want to get their grubby paws on fresh meat. No submissive needs to be trained. Educated, yes but training is a hard no. No matter what side of the slash a person is on, they should seek out mentors who are on the same side of the slash to learn from. This lifestyle has a trainer danger. Focus on learning from those who share your role rather than learning from the other side of the proverbial slash. Learn from those who want to teach and teaching does not include touching you. Show me the MONEY! Sorry for the Jerry McGuire moment, but next up is the findom and finsub. Fin is short for finical. No this is not a dominant or submissive stockbroker who wants to help grow your wealth and portfolio but will require tribute, AKA money/presents, for attention. Give them X amount of cash or purchase exotic/expensive gifts to receive/earn their dominance or submission. If anyone wishes to be my finsub I have been eyeing a new Ferrari and a heli-skiing trip, and in return, I will share pictures of the car and the mountains. Congratulations on reaching the final paragraph this did not cover every role in and around the lifestyle. One of the questions, to ask when meeting anyone new is to find out what their self-identifiers mean to them because everyone has their unique twist on roles in the lifestyle. What important roles would you add to this list and are there definitions that you would modify or change outright? ©TLK2023  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Well one of my personal favorites is objectification...where the slave isn't even a person. In my case..er he/The male isn't Bob the slave or Jimmy the subhub..or even Mistress Olivia's slave.. But a thing..something to be used for the entertainment or convenience of the Dominants...say a pony boy,dog,a chair to sit on,an animal to plow the back 40,a toilet even..
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Hello, great post ! 👏🏻
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Well one of my personal favorites is objectification...where the slave isn't even a person. In my case..er he/The male isn't Bob the slave or Jimmy the subhub..or even Mistress Olivia's slave.. But a thing..something to be used for the entertainment or convenience of the Dominants...say a pony boy,dog,a chair to sit on,an animal to plow the back 40,a toilet even..
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Hello My dear friend, Great read. Thank you for sharing this. I hope it is helpful to some people. xoxo L
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a great post indeed roles indicate play a word I dislike strongly in lifestyle terms being allowed to live our true selves is never and should never be considered to play and training is alignment, alignment of minds
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So many roles.... So little time.... "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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