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It’s not always pretty. I stand there with my hands clasped behind my back while he brings down implements and gets everything laid out. I feel nervous. Apprehensive. It’s been a long time since we’ve done impact, and I’m not sure how I’m going to react. Everything has been so off with me lately. Even so, I asked for this scene. I’m not sure if I want it, but I think we need it. And he agrees. He starts with my breasts, which is always a hard thing for me. Normally it takes a lot to make me cry during impact. But within the first few strikes, I can feel tears at the corners of my eyes. I squeeze my eyes closed to try to keep them in. But before long, both tears and snot are flowing freely. He says what he often says during these “reconnection” moments, where it’s been a while and we are both feeling a bit outside our roles. “You don’t make choices, do you?” I shake my head no. “Is that how you want it to be?” He keeps hitting my breasts with the flogger. My left nipple is on fire from too many strikes to the same spot. He repeats his question. “Is that how you want it to be?” I can’t answer. I don’t know what the answer is. Because I know that this —my submission to his control—is a cornerstone of our relationship. And I know that, in general, I do want it to be that way. But right now, I don’t. It’s not even that I want to be in control. I just want to collapse in a pile on the floor. I want to disappear completely. I want everything to stop and for there to be nothingness. But I don’t know how to say that, because I don’t even know what that is. Besides, I know that I am just fucked up right now. When I think about the big picture, I know who I am and who he is, and I know that I do want this. So eventually, I nod. Because nothing else really makes sense. I cry the whole time. He positions me over the wedge so he can hit my ass, and a river of snot flows from my nose while I sob. I never safeword. It’s been ages since we’ve done impact. I know he needs it. And I can take it. And somewhere deep down, I think maybe I deserve the pain. I’ve been a terrible submissive. I haven’t been fulfilling his needs. Perhaps this is what I deserve for straying so far from my place. For not being the needy, horny submissive that he signed up to be with. So I just keep taking it, until he decides he’s done. It feels like a shorter session than usual, and much less physically intense. When he finishes, he comes around to sit beside me. He wipes my nose (and the pool of snot under it). He<b> strokes </font></b>my hair and my back. He asks how I’m doing. I shrug. I don’t know what to say. I’m not upset. I just don’t feel anything at all. I wonder if he at least got some enjoyment or release from it. But asking “Was it good for you” feels fucking stupid, especially with the state I’m in. So there isn’t really anything I can say. Later, he told me that he thought I needed the catharsis, but he thinks maybe he misread me. I don’t think there was anything to read or misread. I have been so unclear, even to myself. But I’m not upset about the way things went. I trust that he has my best interests at heart. And sometimes he sees things in me that I can’t see. He tells me he felt like I had walls up—that I didn’t want him to see my emotions. He’s probably right. I have felt like such a disappointment lately. I want to protect him from my numbness and lack of desire. I want to satisfy him. But hiding my emotions isn’t the right way to do that. I told him that taking the pain was the least I could do for him. He says, “What? What do you mean? You knew you could take it, and so you did. That’s your submission. That’s all I want. It’s not the least you could do; it’s everything.” Maybe it is, but the way it happens is not always pretty. ~cherishedproperty  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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The runny mascara makes you even that much more pretty!
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An interesting and very telling blog post, ALJ. You seem to be wrestling with inner demons. On some fundamental level, the D/s dynamic, especially as it relates to the submissive’s involvement therein, should be fun and enjoyable, which would make it something significantly–though so often, inexplicably or ineffably– more than an exercise or practice that the sub (howsoever vainly and futilely) might hope would offer expiation, atonement, therapeutic cleansing, and–God forbid– some magical form of personal affirmation and salvation. It must be seen for what it is: a mostly theatrical and ritualized game or manner of play between Absolute Equals, despite labels and persona ‘masks” to the contrary. Though alphas and betas abound in real life, they–and we, among them–are all in the same sinking lifeboat, rowing and bailing furiously, trying to get to the shore in order to enjoy another day, We are not obliged to do anything we feel indisposed or disinclined to do, especially by way of appeasing someone else. I recommend a good movie, play, book, painting, or piece of music for the emotional catharsis you need and seek, even in the form of a good cry.
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I understand needing, but feeling inhibited. It's the way I feel at times too.
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Submission is so many things all wrapped up in one......
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The author seems confused as to who is benefiting from this scene, HE thinks he’s helping her, she seems to be just going through the motions to try and appease her own self worthlessness. It reads as a relationship on the downward slope, a last grasp at reawakening the initial rush of a world being opened up. The author all but confirms this by writing “…being a terrible submissive…” defining themselves as being absent, of not living in the moment as they should. Beautifully written but possibly a doomed relationship.
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tears are powerful emotion it’s outta love not abuse relish the release wear your Brandings w pride you deserved everyone
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tears can be beautiful.
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We need reality. Not all of life is a dream.
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Sometimes, it's not always pretty. Sometimes, it's something we just need. Sometimes, it's cathartic. Sometimes we just need to cry. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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