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Twenty Years Of Kink I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, and then of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - of it - a name. D/s. Dominance and submission. I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me, and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well. It was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next person’s, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself. So what do twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned: *Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately *It’s okay to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s okay to make anything a hard limit *Dominants can use a safe word or otherwise stop an activity *You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit *Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat *Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity *Your gut is never wrong; listen to it *It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t *Sex can feel good even without having an orgasm *Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlor trick, and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms *You deserve as much pleasure as he does *If the effort isn’t there, in the beginning, it never will be *You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels *You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie *You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching *Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers *Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect *Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account *Submissive’s can make more than their partner’s *You don’t have to say ‘’ to feel it in your bones *You can love someone and not be a match *Toxicity isn’t gender-specific *Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making *It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth *Strength is a process *Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single *Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70 *You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do *You can change your mind *You can use your voice *You have to use your voice Every time I start to think about how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about the 27-year-old, the 34-year-old, hell - even the 40-year-old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental, and emotional energy she would expend on a Dominant. How much she didn’t know. How much more she still has to learn? But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for one hell of a ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are. *Unknown *Archive  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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I like this post  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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What I've learned has been more than twenty years . . I've learned to not confuse experience with expertise. There are mistakes at both ends of the whip. I've learned that solving problems doesn't guarantee that I've mastered the solution . . I've learned not to confuse expertise for wisdom . . Having a deep knowledge doesn't guarantee that I know when and how it applies. It is your perception of your journey and list that matters most. The truth is our reality is generally a lot different after experience than is was before experience. But thank god, so is our expertise, wisdom and our perspective.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Great list. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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a beautiful blogpost, wisdom comes with age .. smiles "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Excellent post as always. Would I do anything different.......probably not jump into some situations like I did in the early days If I knew then what I know now. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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At a retirement party, a speaker said that the retiree was the type of boss who, when he gave you an order, you wanted to do it. That is when I realized that is what I was looking for in a D's relationship. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Happy Anniversary I guess! Here's to the next twenty years and more "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Fond memories mixed with anticipated realities, glad to see you're enjoying life. More power to you.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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*You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit A really good list of true statements, but this is the one that made me laugh/cringe at the thought. What a joke ....being 'released'. I put it right there with 'no limits'. Yeah, right. Yes, I love to see when people have no limits listed in their profiles. That's a HUGE red flag. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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"Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately" I agree. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Wonderful words... Written in such a insightful manner.. Thanks for allowing me a peek inside at the real you.. Life should be a enjoyable journey with many lessons along the way. The secret is learning the who, what, when, where and how of interpreting them. Well done and congrats!
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I like this post Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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What I've learned has been more than twenty years . . I've learned to not confuse experience with expertise. There are mistakes at both ends of the whip. I've learned that solving problems doesn't guarantee that I've mastered the solution . . I've learned not to confuse expertise for wisdom . . Having a deep knowledge doesn't guarantee that I know when and how it applies. It is your perception of your journey and list that matters most. The truth is our reality is generally a lot different after experience than is was before experience. But thank god, so is our expertise, wisdom and our perspective.
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Great list.
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a beautiful blogpost, wisdom comes with age .. smiles
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Excellent post as always. Would I do anything different.......probably not jump into some situations like I did in the early days If I knew then what I know now. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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At a retirement party, a speaker said that the retiree was the type of boss who, when he gave you an order, you wanted to do it. That is when I realized that is what I was looking for in a D's relationship.
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Happy Anniversary I guess! Here's to the next twenty years and more
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Fond memories mixed with anticipated realities, glad to see you're enjoying life. More power to you.
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*You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit A really good list of true statements, but this is the one that made me laugh/cringe at the thought. What a joke ....being 'released'. I put it right there with 'no limits'. Yeah, right. Make Women Female Again
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Even in my fifties, I still cringe sometimes at the things I do for D/s relationships. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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"Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately" I agree.
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