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Care To Play 20 Questions? Most people have played the fun game of twenty questions before but sometimes it seems to me that people in the D/S lifestyle can jump into a relationship without really understanding what that amazing potential partner wants or expects. I believe we all know what that then leads to, discomfort, and possible dissolution of a new relationship. So I thought of twenty questions that I feel should be asked rather than just assumed. 1. Are you single? This is a no-brainer right but it is amazing how many people just make this assumption only to find out that Mr. or Ms. Wonderful is otherwise in a relationship. 2. What style of relationship are you seeking, monogamous, poly, or open? Once again, many people make assumptions only to be blindsided down the yellow-brick relationship road when their new partner discusses poly or adding someone to the mix or is against doing this. Rather than be caught off guard, this is a must-ask. 3. Definitions are important, so make sure to ask what dominant or submissive means to you. Within the lifestyle so many people have different ideas of what these basic terms mean, this is also a must-ask. People are quick to color a potential partner with their definitions and it is vital to understand how the other person defines lifestyle roles. 4. How long ago was your last lifestyle relationship? This is important because there could be red flags if the person is just out of a partnership. If they are, then it means determining if you feel they are relationship-ready or if you might be just the ‘rebound’ date(s). 5. Have they had a lifestyle partnership before? The person you are interested in may well claim to have been around the lifestyle for a good amount of time but it is also important to know if in that time they have experienced a relationship with the lifestyle being a part of it. 6. What do you enjoy about the lifestyle? I feel that this is important because if a person is looking for more than just play, they talk about some of the non-play parts of the lifestyle. For example, a d-type may discuss how special it is to see a submissive grow or an s-type could share they love not having to make every decision. Play might well be part of this but it can be a great way to see through someone who wants to play rather than engage in something deeper than a playship. 7. When it comes to lifestyle play, what are your must-haves? This is important, using myself as an example, I do not enjoy rope bondage at all. It is beautiful to look at when others do it but if that was something that was a must or something a potential partner enjoys, odds are, things are not going to mesh when it comes time to ‘enjoy’. 8. Safewords are critical, so please ask what are your safewords, and whether you have ever used them/had them used? Yes, I believe a D-type should have them so they could immediately stop play if it needed to stop now rather than have time lost because the submissive thought they were just ‘playing’. Submissives, if a dominant is dismissive towards safewords in any way, shape, or form, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and never go on a date with them. 9. Ask how open are you about the lifestyle. Imagine meeting someone amazing but discovering they are completely open about the lifestyle, meaning everyone in their life knows they love them some BDSM but perhaps you are more careful with who knows your lifestyle choices. Understanding another’s openness or lack of it is very important because it can cause riffs or worse later. 10. Everyone has made horrific mistakes in past relationships, so I suggest asking, what was the worst mistake you have made as a dominant or submissive? Unless the person is new to the lifestyle, they will have a mistake to share or if they are newer, craft the question to just vanilla dating. I am now going to suggest some very vanilla questions but I want to suggest these because it can be very easy to get caught in lifestyle questions and forget your potential relationship will have to function in the vanilla world as well. 11. Are you looking for a forever relationship or something shorter? Very often people are surprised when they discover a person they are dating is not looking for the same end goal as they are. Ask about this upfront because if they are looking for happily ever after and you are seeking happiness but not long term, there will be issues. 12. Would you be willing to move or would you want me to relocate? Many people here, find themselves in long-distance relationships but have never really put thought into the ‘end game’ of actually living together. Discover this up front and know if you are in a place to relocate or if would you require your suitor to rent the moving van. Sadly, you may find someone completely amazing but find that relocating is not an option on both ends which would leave the relationship stranded in video dating hell forever. So make sure you discover this before your dominant or submissive is just an image on your electronic device. 13. What are your goals in life? It is important that dreams and desires mesh. 14. What about those meddling ? No, I am not suggesting a Scooby Do marathon for date night but if you have , want them/more of them, or you are not someone who wants them, talk about it. In today’s world with co-parenting, single parenting, wanting to be a parent, or determined to not be a parent discussing and how they fit into a potential future is an important discussion. 15. How much alone time do they need? Some people, need alone time to recharge and others recharge by being with their partner. Discover a prospect's alone time needs before there is a brouhaha because one side feels smothered and the other cannot understand why they do not want to always be with them. The last five are indeed what I would no-brainers but I am including them here because so often in the lifestyle people get lost in the world of spanking, floggers, and kinky fuckery while forgetting relationships happen in real life. There is a ton more than just these five questions but I am adding them here to be a reminder of this. 16. What do you do for a living? 17. What are your hobbies? 18. Share three activities you look forward to sharing with a future partner. 19. Tell me about your family. 20. What is your go-to type of music or artist? I know this list is not a definitive guide to questions to ask in the amazing world of lifestyle dating but in my time involved in the lifestyle rodeo, sometimes it seems that people’s brains short-circuit when they meet someone truly amazing. While it is awesome to have had the honor to get to know someone like that, it takes more than amazing to make a real-world relationship work. So I hope these questions will help be a circuit breaker next time Ms. or Mr. Wonderful appears on a person’s dating radar. ©TLK2020 *Archive  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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great post and love the picture! she is so cute!  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Great list of questions! And, what * Fleetingthoughts* says!"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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always enjoy reading your posts. Re the pic - how long would one be expected to keep that pose ? Re: The photo. As long as it takes.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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You're welcome. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I love, love, love, love this! One of my favorite things to do when meeting someone new in the lifestyle is to play the question game. It can be so valuable in getting to know someone. And it isn't just the answers that matter. Sometimes, what someone doesn't say or even the words they choose to use tells you more about the answer than the words they do say. I also particularly like your use of vanilla questions. I think there is a tendency often to concentrate on compatibility in kink. While I know that is important, if I'm going to live with someone 24/7, the vanilla things are just as important, if not more so. My advice to new folk is usually, "First, find someone who emulates your worldview. Find someone who aligns with your values. Find someone you could have imagined yourself being very close to in a vanilla context. Then, and only then, look for kink compatibility." Too many people seem to look for the sexual first, and the vanilla stuff is an afterthought. Only to painfully end their relationship after 3-6 months. This was great. Thank you for sharing it. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Some very interesting questions and all very relevant! "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Very thought provoking "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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great post and love the picture! she is so cute!
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Great list of questions! And, what * Fleetingthoughts* says!
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always enjoy reading your posts. Re the pic - how long would one be expected to keep that pose ?
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10/24/2023 8:46 am |
I love, love, love, love this! One of my favorite things to do when meeting someone new in the lifestyle is to play the question game. It can be so valuable in getting to know someone. And it isn't just the answers that matter. Sometimes, what someone doesn't say or even the words they choose to use tells you more about the answer than the words they do say. I also particularly like your use of vanilla questions. I think there is a tendency often to concentrate on compatibility in kink. While I know that is important, if I'm going to live with someone 24/7, the vanilla things are just as important, if not more so. My advice to new folk is usually, "First, find someone who emulates your worldview. Find someone who aligns with your values. Find someone you could have imagined yourself being very close to in a vanilla context. Then, and only then, look for kink compatibility." Too many people seem to look for the sexual first, and the vanilla stuff is an afterthought. Only to painfully end their relationship after 3-6 months. This was great. Thank you for sharing it.
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Some very interesting questions and all very relevant!
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Very thought provoking
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Re-running this post for content & relevance. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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