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7 Things to Remember When Getting to Know a Dominant How many of you think that finding the kinky partner of your dreams is practically impossible? Yeah, I know. With all the crazy, fake Doms out there or the people who seem too good to be true and then ghost out on you, it’s easy to get discouraged. Hopefully, you’ve done a self-check to make sure you’re not scaring them off. Now, maybe it’s time to think about how you approach a Dominant to make sure you’re picking a good one or finding one that’s worth the work and effort that go into having a successful D/s relationship. First, a reality check. I can’t give you a step-by-step checklist of what to say, what to wear, and what to do to find yourself the greatest Dominant who ever lived, EVER. We’re all unique individuals, and everyone is looking for something different. I’m not going to tell you to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or do anything very specific. Unless you’re looking for a play partner – which has its own set of best practices – you need to approach the search for a new Dominant like you would any relationship, vanilla or kinky. You’re people first, kinksters second (and for some people, kink is third, fourth, or even tenth of the list). But, if you think all you do is find the fakes and posers or that every D/s relationship you have is doomed to fail, there are a few things you can try that may help you find a good, decent Dominant partner. Get to know each other in a vanilla way first. Shocking, right? For some people, proclaiming their kinky proclivities from the first moment is a must. For others, it’s not something they admit until much later. All of that is perfectly fine. Regardless of whether this potential Dominant knows you’re a kinky submissive looking for freaky things to be done to you, get to know them like you would anyone else. Unless you’re the type to ask about a person’s sexual hard limits in every situation, you probably shouldn’t lead with that one even if they are Dominant. Find out who they are as a person first. D/s – for many of us – is a long-term relationship and power exchange. Who cares how kinky they are if you don’t like them as a human being first? Ask questions. More than just the questions you ask to learn about someone when you’re ready to discuss kink and D/s, ask a million and one questions. The good Dominants of the world aren’t scared off. Hell, they welcome it because it shows that you’re willing to communicate, that you’re curious, and that you want to learn as much as possible about them. Dominants are not all-powerful beings in your life until you make them so (and until they agree to be that for you). You should know their limits, their fetishes, their likes, dislikes, and fears just as much as they should know yours. No, you’re not being too forward by asking questions. And never believe you’re supposed to sit quietly and let this Dominant make all the decisions. The good Dominants don’t want to do that – at least not until you’re in a negotiated and established relationship. Don’t be afraid to say no. This person isn’t your Dominant – yet. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to tell them you’re uncomfortable. You’re allowed to tell them that you’re not their submissive, and you don’t have to do what they tell you to. Now, let me add a caveat. If this is someone you want to become your Dominant, I suggest being respectful when you tell them no (unless they were a total asshole, of course). Until you know they enjoy taming a submissive or dealing with a brat – and not all Dominants do – being polite is always a good idea. You can still be firm and get your point across while staying polite. Expect to be treated with respect. This goes along with that thing that some fakes do of demanding that you call them Master and bow to their wishes – and they usually do it all through a direct message on social media. It’s a little scary how often it happens, and how quickly they’ll turn into freaks the moment you say no. They’ll also treat you like crap if you say yes, by the way. You have every right to demand respect. In the online world, it’s easier. You can block and delete people left and right. When you’re meeting someone face to face, it’s not always easy. Show that you have a backbone and that you won’t be pushed around or bullied. The good Dominants might be testing you and will respect you for it. The fakes and posers will call you mean names and slink back into their slimy caves. Every decent Dominant I’ve ever met treats all people with respect from the very beginning until they’re given a reason not to. Push back when you’re uncomfortable. So maybe you’re far enough along that you’re truly negotiating a potential relationship. Hell, maybe you’re even looking over a list of potential kinks and fetishes to figure out where your limits are and how you’re both compatible. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay (and really, it’s a requirement) that you say something. Just because this person really likes the idea of knife play, and the idea makes you want to puke, doesn’t mean you have to acquiesce. Very rarely are two people going to like all of the same things. If the chemistry is good between you, you might not even have to agree on much at all when it comes to kinks and fetishes. But when your boundaries are being pushed past your comfort level and you’re not in a relationship yet, you have a responsibility to say something. When you’re in a relationship, you still have every right to say something too, for what it’s worth. Don’t expect a Dominant to read your mind. This goes along with that last one. Yes, many Dominants are very observant and can actually appear to be able to read your mind. They listen and watch and then react to your spoken and unspoken cues. It’s uncanny…I know. But they are not and have never been mind readers. Don’t treat them like they are. Tell them when you’re uncomfortable. Tell them when you’re scared. Tell them when you’re freaking out because your mind is telling you that this has to be wrong, that your family would think you’re a freak, that you shouldn’t want to be submissive. There’s no way for a Dominant to help you deal with any of this if you don’t tell them. Listen to your instincts. We all get vibes or gut reactions to stuff, especially people. Oftentimes, we reject that little niggling voice that tells us something isn’t right. Or, when it seems too good to be true, we try to ignore the vibe that says this might really be a good thing. Don’t ignore that feeling – good or bad. Whether you’ve just met someone or you’re in the early stages of your D/s relationship when something doesn’t feel right, pay attention. If you have to ask yourself (or others – as my email inbox can attest) if something is right or normal or okay, you probably already know the answer. D/s is a relationship, first and foremost. If you don’t like how you’re being treated or how the other person speaks to you or looks at you, that’s not a sign of a good healthy relationship. I always recommend communication first – in case it’s a problem of mixed signals and expectations – but after that, always go with your gut. Look, I wish I could give you a checklist of what to say and do, or not say and do, to help you find the perfect-for-you Dominant. The reality is that this is a relationship between two people, first and foremost, and needs to be treated like it. Yes, eventually, you’ll talk about things you couldn’t imagine discussing in previous relationships (and not all of it will be sexual) and yes, this can be the most fulfilling relationship of your life – with the right person. But don’t let your desire to submit cloud your judgment. Find the best match for you as a person and then decide if they’re the right Dominant for your submissive self. KaylaLords.com ·  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Sorry, for that, I mean, when you meet someone, get to kow that person, and somehow, they have this aura about them, of being in controle, leading, guiding... Without them being aware of that...... For me, that is very confusing... what to do, how to act? You can not ask openly; are you a dominant? because the outside/ vanilla world has sometimes very crooked ideas about that, dominance thing....
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For some, it seems this search for Thé Dominant, is something mystical. But, hey, he/ she too, is just a human, first. If the other one, does not want to get to know you, first, as a human being, then, well.... Player is the term, that comes to mind... Also, both should! be willing to put in some effort, show the willingness to make it happen, work, within the for them, realistic means... Most are just as lazy as F&ck. want instant statisfaction.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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For some, it seems this search for Thé Dominant, is something mystical. But, hey, he/ she too, is just a human, first. If the other one, does not want to get to know you, first, as a human being, then, well.... Player is the term, that comes to mind... Also, both should! be willing to put in some effort, show the willingness to make it happen, work, within the for them, realistic means... Most are just as lazy as F&ck. want instant statisfaction.
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I enjoyed this article in your blog and found that it covers all those things an aware subserviant person needs to consider. It also provides a true dominant things to consider when accepting his other half of the relationship. Cudos on this. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This is a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing, as always. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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One important thing to remember is...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. That would cross the line.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Good advice, as always, Alj. I might add that the time and place logistics can often present a major hurdle, especially if the dominant is located a far distance from the sub's location, or that both the D and s are forced to have to carefully carve out mutual free play time, if each responsibly holds a demanding job, aside from their otherwise squeezed-in recreational pursuits. And then, of course, there is always the sticky or dampening matter of tribute, which would include how best to broach the subject iin preliminary conversation, whether online or face-to-face, and which could include not only steep travel expenses, but often rental fees for a more public D/s-accommodating venue, such as a dungeon,,if neither particpant is capable of personally hosting. These can be hard questions to tackle, especially for subs that are not wealthy or extravagant. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Great writing, again! I love this writing. What if you/ i? meet such a person, or you suspect that in a person.. by his behaviour? But he is not aware of this? Your question is a bit vague. So I'm not sure how to respond to it. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Get to know each other in a vanilla way first. Great insight all, yet I consider this the key ingredient. You and me both! "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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good and important "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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The hard part of being Dominant is overcoming the sensitivity and shyness that comes with those deeply buried thoughts and feelings. Asking the probing questions about those thoughts and feelings is a tricky process, and is fraught with hidden fears . Thank you for helping all of us, on both sides of D/s, figure out how to make this difficult but rewarding experience come to be. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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My main advice in learned about a dominant, is simply to ask opened ended questions. Let them reveal themselves to you. Otherwise, the game players will just parrot back to you, what you hope to hear. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I enjoyed this article in your blog and found that it covers all those things an aware subserviant person needs to consider. It also provides a true dominant things to consider when accepting his other half of the relationship. Cudos on this.
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11/30/2023 7:40 am |
This is a beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing, as always.
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11/29/2023 7:11 pm |
One important thing to remember is...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. That would cross the line.
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Good advice, as always, Alj. I might add that the time and place logistics can often present a major hurdle, especially if the dominant is located a far distance from the sub's location, or that both the D and s are forced to have to carefully carve out mutual free play time, if each responsibly holds a demanding job, aside from their otherwise squeezed-in recreational pursuits. And then, of course, there is always the sticky or dampening matter of tribute, which would include how best to broach the subject iin preliminary conversation, whether online or face-to-face, and which could include not only steep travel expenses, but often rental fees for a more public D/s-accommodating venue, such as a dungeon,,if neither particpant is capable of personally hosting. These can be hard questions to tackle, especially for subs that are not wealthy or extravagant.
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Great writing, again! I love this writing. What if you/ i? meet such a person, or you suspect that in a person.. by his behaviour? But he is not aware of this?
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11/29/2023 5:11 am |
They ALL bitch and moan and stop messaging as soon as I request a face to face at a public location of THEIR choosing, as if I've got LEPROSY or worse, always a CLEAR indication, in my mind, of their PHONINESS, and always get the same response "I don't know of ANY Mistress that will agree to a face to face meeting with a sub/slave in a public place!". OKAY, then, have a nice life...
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Get to know each other in a vanilla way first. Great insight all, yet I consider this the key ingredient. You and me both! Make Women Female Again
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good and important
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The hard part of being Dominant is overcoming the sensitivity and shyness that comes with those deeply buried thoughts and feelings. Asking the probing questions about those thoughts and feelings is a tricky process, and is fraught with hidden fears . Thank you for helping all of us, on both sides of D/s, figure out how to make this difficult but rewarding experience come to be.
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My main advice in learned about a dominant, is simply to ask opened ended questions. Let them reveal themselves to you. Otherwise, the game players will just parrot back to you, what you hope to hear. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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As Always , Take What You Need And Leave The Rest Behind.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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