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Trust- how does someone trust? Trust-1.firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something: "relations have to be built on trust" : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed So a firm belief , assured reliance on the character, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. What if you never had any of that. As a as an adult. How does one find it? Here what i know, is we bring in what we know. So i was raised by a mother was bat shit crazy. She was a single parent at a time there were not alot of single parents. Which was strike one against me. Then being bat shit crazy , well that strikes me right away...lol My mom was very emotionally abusive. I cant say i never got my ass beat because i did. I was a handful i imagine and back in those days parents were allowed. What happens behind closes doors stays behind closed doors. It didnt happen a whole lot,. But the emotional abuse was always there. and then when i found myself in relationships i brought in what i knew and that was men who where emotional abusive. That is how the cycle continues generation after generation. I was 33 when went to prison for stabbing my oldest daughters father. I was 28 when it happen. After years and years of to much cocaine and abuse. I I did 6 of my 7 years of probation. and ended up going to prison. i have no regrets about not gong right away and having to piss in a fucken cup all the time. DONT MiSS That At All. If i would of went right away i would not have had my youngest and that would be sad. so i get to prison i am 33 i am pretty much get ripped from my 11 year old and my 3 year old. I had no idea i was going. I knew i was in trouble but had no idea that they were going to do that. i get there and for the first time in my 33 years i am not being abused. ok lets make this clear. i was in foster homes, group home, and bounced a round a bit, but even in those places there was some kind of neglect more than abuse. The group home was the one place that i can not say there was much abuse just the shit i did to myself. wonder why i kept doing shit to get back in there. So almost 33 of abuse i am finally not being abused. And again it was not physical but mentally. i was the physical one i always started it. I always throw the first and last punch. . and for those that say they would of never a woman, i would turn you into a liar Because i didn't stop till you physically stopped me. and i have always been strong. . so hold me down was alot of work and i would just act like i was done and then the minute i knew i could get up on my feet i would cheap shot you. i know i was a bitch. I was a very fucked up person. and then the guilt would come in and the whole reason we were fighting is gone because i got physical. Didnt matter that they were dick heads and were treating me like shit, didn't matter that i wasnt given a chance to be heard. All that matter was i fucked up and got physical. This went on for a long time in my life. Sad but true. i am finally done with the physical. One my body hurts to bad 2. its not worth it nobody is worth me going to that place ever again. I would rather eat rats than be an abuser ever again. By the way i hate rats and am scared shitless of them. Does trust start with self? I never thought of it like that.... I dont trust myself to make the good decisions all the time. but i do trust myself to be a good person. I trust myself to be real and care about others. I dont trust myself to always show the care to the person. i trust myself to make mistakes lol When almost every person in your life has let you down, how does one get passed it? How does one know when the people she brings in are not abusers? i understand that not to trust people is not a life, but a prison and its not any kind of life. So i do trust, but only a little bit do give out. To fully , completely trust that one person i dont know how to give that to anyone. My dog but i even question that. lol She loves people but yes i do trust her completely. She would die for me. I want to, i want to trust someone completely. I just dont think it will happen in this life time. Sad But True So for anyone who is reading this and you have someone you completely trust, I hope this helps you to appreciated what you have because some of us don;t. We all get complacent in our livers at one point or another. This doesnt make us bad people it makes us human. Complacency does not equal shame. Some times a simple blog can remind you of what you have and the true gift is really is to pull us out of being complacent. That to me is a win win. I may never have the full trust and will go through my life with the longing and that is just the way it is. To know that i help others remember and appreciated what i may never have gives me joy. I know i am not alone in this. There are others that have trust issues. For those all i can say is i get it. I get not trusting , i get scared to give my trust completely to any one person. I hope that you do find the one where you can give it and it is cherished. I hope you do not go through life with the longing of wanting, needing to trust but just can't do it. This is a battle i find i can not win but i am not going to completely lose. Its not in me to stand down. So i keep plucking the fucken roots of this battle and hope i dont make to big of holes that i end up tripping over. peace love and happiness Sassy Sarah |
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3/19/2020 10:04 pm |
Breathe,Relax,‘‘tis a tough subject,I trust one,but people always let me down,hidden agenders. I learn but it’s a lot to learn. Unconditional love and trust,rare. Someday..
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4/1/2020 2:12 am |
Once again,a very powerful insight into yourself,and understanding others.🌹🌹🌹😊😊
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