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Wishful thinking I'm not sure today's topic will make any sense to anyone but me. If it doesn't, I'm sorry to seem so confusing: I don't try to be. It's all pure talent. As you can guess from the title of today's entry I'm going to write on something for which I often wish. This is probably going to sound weird to some of you, maybe all of you, but I often wish I could find someone I could sleep with. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not talking about sex, though I would hope that would be included in there, but isn't as necessary as you might think (but, that's a topic for another time I think). No, I'm talking about someone that I could actually sleep with. I guess I should explain a bit. I have certain problems with trust. One of the side effects of that is that I can't sleep with anyone else around. I just don't feel safe. I've got to have locked doors and windows between me and anyone else. There have been 2 people in my life over the years I felt safe enough to sleep while they were in the room. Both of whom I loved — no surprise there. In both cases it took a while before I could sleep around them. Ok, part of it was I liked watching them sleep, but part of it was I didn't yet trust them enough to relax and sleep. So, I guess you could say that it's the height of trust for me to sleep with someone in the room. I'll let someone tie me up before I'll sleep while they are around. Found that out with the second of the two I mentioned, since we were playing before I was able to sleep with her near. Come to think of it, since I'm thinking about trust and some of what I throw out here is more stream of consciousness than willful writing, once I'm restrained I find my worries about trust slip away. I guess once I'm bound, I don't have to be concerned about trust. It's too late by then, the choice is sorta out of my hands. Yes, there are safewords and such, but really, what guarantee do I have that once bound the person I'm with will honor a safeword? Like most of life there are no guarantees, and to a degree that's part of the fun of being bound: you never know. It's like riding a roller coaster, the sense of danger while you can tell yourself you're relatively safe. But, in spite of that once I've allowed myself to be bound, I tend to feel strangely safe. Weird huh? Of course, I've never played with someone I hadn't met at least once before hand to see if my “Eek! Weirdo!” alarm goes off, and that may be part of it. Random related thought. . . I wonder if while bound I'd be able to sleep with someone in the room I normally would remain awake around. Hmmm, sounds like I have the makings of an experiment, since I normally don't sleep around someone else, but there is a sense of comfort and safety in being bound. Which would win out. Obviously, the bondage would have to be in a position comfortable enough to sleep in. Ok, so back to the topic at hand. So yeah, I wish I could find someone that I trusted enough to sleep while they're around, and that I were “interested” in enough to want to be sleeping with them. I know it will take time to get there, should I find someone I wanted to sleep with, but I really would like to find someone I trusted that much. Who knows, I might even trust them with my heart too. I did with the other two. Then again, the last one broke it, and it's been nine years since, and I haven't allowed myself to be that close to anyone since, so maybe not. The worst part, is I still love her, and probably always will. Just because someone breaks your heart doesn't mean you stop loving them, does it? So far, nope. Then again, I can safely say I still love everyone I've ever fallen for. All in spite of not still being with them. I won't say it's proof of the infinite capacity of the heart to love, because there haven't really been that many people I can say I've been in love with. I can count them on one hand. I spend more time in emotional limbo than I do having someone in my life. Go figure. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble a bit, so I think I'll stop here. Before I scare all my readers. All 0 of you. Lol Take care Bri |
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