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Trust And The Story Of Meister Sven / Repost Please see post in first comment. This is a re-post. I took down the original one due to technical issues. Letus see if this works. IMC58 Be yourself, noone else can be you. IMC58 |
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11/11/2020 9:47 pm |
I am reposting this, because at lot has been posted lately about real ones and wannabes. After all, I was lucky and ended up physically safe. I want all my sub sisters and brothers to care for their safety as well. Love IMC58 Be yourself, noone else can be you. IMC58
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11/11/2020 9:51 pm |
As children we all trust. Most of us never learn the concept of using trust to manipulate a child, until we are mature enough to hear about it and actually comprehend it. Like many other children, I was abused by my father, starting at the age of 4 or 5 yrs old. It was not until years later, that I understood what had happened. My mother had abused my trust just as much as my dad did. She actually blamed me for my dad's abuse So there I was at the age of 11, not knowing how to trust and even more so, who to trust. With the perception that I was not loved by anyone. Unless – and that dynamic had grained itself into my brain for years to come – I was seeking the attention of men. That way, I had at least some attention afforded to me. I turned into a wild child, drinking and smoking and having sex way before the age of 13. And yes, there were the drugs as well. I never had to study much for school and still was among the top 5 of my class. Every year. I started to feel invincible. I was not allowed to have boyfriends or friends in general. But I always found ways to do what I wanted. I got used to being called a slut or whore by my mother. I just shrugged it off, because I did not want to show her how much those words hurt me. As I got older, I got bored with drugs and drinking. With sex as well. Until, when I was close to 17, I met my first boyfriend. An African American GI from Lubbock, Texas. Oh dear, I was truly, madly, crazy in love with him. My sex education so far had consisted of secretly reading in some magazine. I had read about orgasm, but did not really have a clue. John taught me that. He also taught me about being in love. I remember how happy I was during that time. I trusted him completely. Then one day his time in Europe was up and he went back home. Did not even tell me himself. I learned about it from one of his friends. My mom came up with the remark “ I told you so “ So, although my trust in everyone and everything had vanished again, I remember that he was the first man to treat me with decency. I am still more drawn to black men than to white men. As I got more and more into the BDSM scene, my life changed significantly. Actually, what got my attention first was the fact that penetration is not a requirement for a satisfying session. During my one year with Herr Robert I learned to endure and enjoy pain to a point where I need a certain pain level to be able to enjoy sex. What I had no experience with at all, was humiliation and role play. A few months after my last session with Herr Robert, I met Meister Sven. He had joined the BDSM group that I associated with. Like Herr Robert used submission to administer sadism, Meister Sven used some elements of sadism to make his sub comply with his wishes. Looking back, I realize that not only was Meister Sven not a sadist, he was not a Master at all. Just a guy who needed a sub to do all those things his wife would not do for him. Yes, he was married. Learning to ask the right questions before starting anything else, is a very important but too often neglected skill for a sub. So I had not really be asking about role play or humiliation. We had talked a lot about how my life had been going up to that point, and he knew about my father's abuse. At that time I was not yet able to talk about it in a matter of fact way, I remember there were lots of tears involved. He also knew about the special terms of endearment my mother had been constantly using throughout my life. So, one day, when I got to our weekly meeting, I got into our hotel room and saw a bunch of clothes on a chair, neatly folded. We had done role play before. My favorite was **pist/victim. Second favorite was policeman/suspect. Uh oh, after that I never looked at policemen like I used to. He knew, that I was completely against any faith related role play. We had never talked about Daddy/daughter. Our sessions always started with me kneeling naked in front of him and him masturbating until his cum was all over my face. Usually during that time he told me what play he had planned for thatday. He wanted me to be the daughter, who is seducing her dad, so he told me to put on the clothes he had put on the chair. I hesitated somewhat, after all I wanted to please him. He went completely off on me, when I told him that I could not do what he ordered me to do. He used all those words my mother had been using and added to it. A lot. here I was, confronted with a situation that I did not see coming. I knew that he knew and completely trusted him, that he would not use my abuse for his sexual cravings. While I was standing there, him shouting at me, doubting that I was a real sub at all, and me desperately trying not to cry, he grabbed what I thought was a different looking paddle, but later learned that it was a tawse, and starting hitting me with it. I made it to the door a few times, him catching up with me and pulling me back every time, only to continue beating me. Finally he had to catch his breath and I was able to get out. My clothes and purse inside. He stormed out after maybe 10 mine. I had to pay the hotel room, and all the items that were broken during his rampage. We had been meeting for about six months at that time. Now, if you ask me how I learned to trust again, I would answer that I haven't. I sometimes think I do, but I always have reservation. Thinking about what the next person's trigger would be. Be yourself, noone else can be you. IMC58
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IMC Can I send a warm hug? That is such a warning and such a TERRIBLE story! It is a shame , he could not be charged with something!!! Such abuse is awful! No wonder you have so much difficulty with trust!! A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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11/11/2020 10:55 pm |
Jenny Hugging you right back. I did not pursue any charges at the time. With the help on a good friend (here on Alt) I think I was finally able to get it worked out in my brain. We will see if I will be able to live it. And find someone who is patient enough. Thank you, Jenny. Be yourself, noone else can be you. IMC58
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11/12/2020 5:12 am |
A very thoughtful piece. Sending hugs across the pond.
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Hi IMC58 I would also like to send you hug if I may. I'm sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience.
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Experiences like yours speaks badly for the human race. Sadly there are people who use others for their own selfish ends .So sorry for all that has happened to you. It is hard to trust in the goodness of people when you have had so many bad experiences but please do keep having faith. There ARE good people out there, you just have to keep looking and trying. Sending you light and energy and good warm loving hugs. Hoping all you need and want come to you.
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We fall into to those traps because we're human and life experiences have shaped our being. Trust can be a fragile thing.....
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I hope Karma gives that fucker a double dose. So sorry you've had to endure so much. Hoping you find that special someone that allows you trust again Big hugs  Life So Short, The Craft So Long To Learn
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