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darkness my blog post will appear in the comments |
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As per my last blog a few days ago, we have been working on some things in the realm of bdsm that due to my past cause me some emotional and physical problems. My last blog was about chains. This one is about my fear of darkness. This blog is not an easy write for me but it is one of the reasons I blog to help me cope with those things I fear most. Over the past nine months or so I have asked Sir to help me overcome the fear of being in the dark. We started slowly in this by me from time to time wearing a hood that the eye holes could be opened or closed. The first few times we began with them open just so I could get comfortable with the hood itself . I really didn’t have a problem with it and soon enjoyed using it on different occasions of Sirs desires. We went from there to covering one eye again not much of a problem just one shutter through me the very first time. Then we started with both eyes close . I soon found this wasnt an easy battle to win. The first time I lasted about 30 seconds before I felt panic starting to set in. we stopped immediately and off it came. I was very disappointed in myself . Sir was just the opposite saying hey darling that was 30 seconds more then ever before. That attitude is one of the reasons of I love him so. It was a number of days before we tried again (I was bound and determined to do better). This time Sir changed things up just a bit. Well my eyes were covered he never left my side in fact he held my hand. Feeling him doing so settled me some but after 5 minutes I had enough and he knew it before I did. We repeated this procedure a number of times working up to a full 15 minutes this was going well and a big thing to me. Next we tried doing it with the hood locked in place. Back to five minutes . Then back up to 15 then wow 20 25 followed. I was feeling great we could actually have sex with a hood on my face covering my eyes. It is here I must stop and say Sir always had a safe guard in place I was never to attempt this when I was by myself period. I followed those instructions at all times until I felt I was ready to surprise Sir . Disobeying this rule one night however I put the hood over my head as I knelt waiting for him to come home in about 10 minutes. I not only had the eye patches closed but locked it in place as well. I Held the key in my hand. This was a huge mistake on my part. My ptsd hit almost immediately . I shook I trembled I paniced the key fell out of my hand. I was crying scrambling to find the key with my hands . It seemed like hours for me when in fact it was less then 3 minutes. Finally I found it and unlocked the hood I ripped it of my head scraping my chin and a small scrape over my left eye. I had just enough strength to manage to crawl to our bed where I grabbed smyly and held on to him like my life depended on it. I was in the fetal position crying softly when Sir came home. Sir had seen the hood on the floor he wasnt happy he told me later. He came into the bedroom saw me took me in his arms and just held me he did not say a word just held me. I stayed in his arms for about an hour until I had fully regained my senses. Finally we got up and went to the kitchen he picked up the hood and without a hint of anger he took it back to the bedroom. Now my darling he said you will order supper for us we will talk about the hood tomorrow, tonight is not the night to do so. I knew he was upset but Sir being Sir does not take action when he is angry he waits until whatever is bothering him subsides where he dosent act in anger. I ordered pizza which is our favorite meal to order. I wasnt trying to placate him just bring a sense of normalcy back to our night. I dressed provocatively a low cut blouse very short skirt no bra no undies. I know Sir likes to have me showoff like this at times. This I did do because I knew he liked it. It worked somewhat as he smiled at me and said good girl. I answered the door when the pizza came the driver had a big smile on his face when he saw me. I smiled back paid the man with a nice tip and went back to Sir . After eating our pizza we sat on the couch cuddled and went over the days issues and just had a nice talk. The hood was not mentioned. That was on a friday the next day was saturday and we had a good morning even a little oral sex for both of us. Saturday afternoon came and Sir called me to the living room. Darling he said we need to talk about yesterday. This was not the darling that melts my heart this was darling you fucked up without the anger. We sat and discussed what had happened and why. His reply was he put a rule in place so this exact thing would not happen you disobey it he said. Ptsd is nothing to fool with especially when your by yourself . Darling you know this instead of surprising me you have disappointed me and you broke a rule I put in place. It is with heavy heart that I now must punish you something I have hardly ever had to do. You are to sit in your chair as always I will tell you when you can get up. It was then I noticed the chair had been turned toward the wall not sitting towards Sir. Strip stradle the chair as always he said. Do it now. I did as told now naked I sat in the chair my legs stretched over the arms. This is where I would normally masturbate for Sir as he loves watching me and I love doing it for him. This command was not given. I sat facing the wall like that for what I knew was over two hours closer to three really my legs were cramping but I didn’t move. I was not a happy camper but I knew I deserved whatever punishment Sir wanted me to serve. Finally Sir spoke now darling you will masturbate for me just as you are. You will cum three times for me before you are allowed to turn the chair around and get up from it. I replied yes Sir. Now most times I can cum three times in minutes this took me almost an hour . Finally I had cum the required three times. My legs were stiff and it pained me to move them and get up. But I finally did so. Sir had me lie on the couch where he massaged them for me before we went on a walk and finished the discussion. Sir dosent let things linger once something is done and punishment has been served its over period. We had a very nice night great sex and moved on. I hope to not ever screw up like that again. This brings me to my greatest fear total darkness I hate it . The hood I know is limited to just minutes at a time. Darkness however can last for hours. I do not sleep in total darkness there is always a night light. I carry one with me even when we travel. I wanted to try and over come this. Sir was very firm absolutely not he said. I asked him why he was honest saying ptsd can and would be at its worst for me then. There was no reason to do so, to take a chance things could go really bad even with him there he said. He looked at me said my darling (this time the heart melting kind) I sometimes watch you sleep you sleep sound you know your safe with the light and me here. Why the hell would I not want you that way. Sometimes as Your Sir its my responsibility to keep you safe even though you may want something else. This darling is one of those times. The light stays and always will. We have not had another discussion on it and im fine with that. It is a challenge I will not face I am safe and loved I can not ask for more. .
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A nice blog. I was given a hood once.No eye holes. I didn't last 5 minutes in it. I understand your whole story
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Your blog remember my old days.... some moment i was cry..
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