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Reposting For Enehren - Vetting Article in comments  |
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Vetting Vetting is a very important part of the beginning a BDSM relationship. In simple terms, vetting is making sure the possible partner you are considering is authentic, safe and compatible. Vetting can and should be done for any relationship, whether D/s, TPE, casual, or one time scene play. The length of time to do the vetting varies by who you talk to. Traditionalists will say at least a year or longer. More modern BDSM lifestylers usually say 90 days. But it really comes down to when YOU feel comfortable. When YOU feel you have sufficient information to be safe. Vetting doesn’t have to end after consent is given. In the first days, weeks and months look for red flags, inconsistencies and incompatibilities. Just because you have given consent or accept a sub/slave does NOT mean you can’t change your mind and end the relationship if you find it doesn’t work, you become leery or uncomfortable. Look at the first weeks or couple of months as a trial period. Some methods of vetting are: Talking to previous Doms/subs for opinions. Checking Social media profiles look for consistency Asking about local BDSM community involvement You can, to be more thorough, do an online background check And ask QUESTIONS. Leave no stone unturned with questions. Nothing should be off limits to discuss. There should be no secrecy or anything left vague, or to be told later. If someone is ducking questions, it’s a bad sign. Possible Vetting Question Vanilla Questions for compatibility What are their hobbies? What was their childhood like? What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day. What’s their views on child rearing if you want or have children? Do they want or already have children? If you have children can they handle that? If you or they already have children what role will each of you play in the children’s lives? Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there? Will both of you have to have an income? Do they have transportation? What is their living situation? What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education? Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction? Health conditions, sexual or otherwise? What’s their biggest pet peeve? What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there? Lifestyle Questions How long in the Lifestyle? What is your role in BDSM, and what does it mean to you? How many Doms/subs have they had? Why did the dynamics end? Monogamy or poly? Do you share or want to play with others? Real life or online? Sadist or masochist? To what degree? Protocols to expect? View on the use of Safe words? Active in the local Community? How did you learn about BDSM? Do you feel that you still have something to learn? What are you looking for from a relationship? (Short-term, long-term, play partners, etc.) What are your non-negotiable terms? Hard and soft limits? Favorite Kinks and Fetishes? Kinks and fetishes curious about? Tell me five things that make you angry. How do you handle being angry? What are your thoughts on aftercare, and how do you approach it? What are your favorite play scenes? How do you prepare for a scene? What are your favorite tools/toys? How did you learn how to use them? Do you like to drink before playing to loosen up? Stance on punishment/discipline? Types of punishment/discipline used? What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me? Have you ever had to deal with someone who went into subspace/Dom space? What about drop? Are you willing to do STD testing with me, so we are both safe? Prepared to tell Full name, phone # and address before meeting. Show identification at meeting. Willing to meet in public one or more times, as needed. As a sub/slave, use a safe call for the public meetings and even the first play date. Be sure it is known someone is expecting your call and know where you are supposed to be Listen for consistency in answers. If answers are vague, dig deeper. Communication should be clear. Pay attention to patterns. Are they hesitating before answering questions? Could they be Googling the question? Pay attention to the respect shown. Are you being hurried, are they trying to manipulate you? Do they sound knowledgeable and natural about what they are saying, or does it sound scripted and practiced? Are they asking YOU questions? Are they showing interests in your likes and dislikes? If they are contradicting what you believe to be true, fact check with another source, whether website or in group posts or in chat. Do NOT take everything said as fact and truth if it is said online or by text. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Match the person’s actions to what they have told you. If what they DO isn’t the same as what they SAID, walk away. If you have anything to add, questions, method of vetting, by all means add them in the comments. © 9/9/22 Ronald Dirienzo
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Quite a bit how I've always operated in the lifestyle except for meeting first in some public setting-not necessary.... Good solid advice to apply newbies... Thank You Sir Ron😎
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WOW kajira belongs fully to Master Adomis4u2
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 Slave rick
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Good tips! The only thing i have to mention is, that if you have that back-up call ready and use it, you have to be very, very sure, that other person is also coming to were you are. is able to come to you. That did not work, in my case, alas.... Also stopwords, will only be respected, when that other person is somehow sane, to respect it Also that did not happen with me. It are all safety meassures, what will only work, when the other party is willing to comply.. When you are bound, and gagged.... and or blindfolded..? There goes all the safety measures you took! right out the window! By this, i mean, never let yourself be pushed. Take all the time you need, to think things over, to decide what steps you want to take on, next. I have learned from Masters, that in the end and beginning, it is the s type who decide how fast the both are going. Also, never meet in a Hotel, for the first time, to play, as a newbie. Dont use alcohol, keep an eye on your glass, all the time, not leave it alone to go to the toilet, or such a thing... Go to play dungeons, and let the Dungeon master know, you are playing for the firist time with that person, to keep an eye on you. Or, if you have s type friend, let them accompany you, at that first play scene... And let that d type know this.
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what is the proper way to verify the person has no std or other surprises ? I always wondered about that, having been with a single woman for 30 plus years
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So true so true so true.....now if all would just listen, read and do.  
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Absolute common sense
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