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Rejection This post is only viewable by Alternative Lifestyle Singles members. Join Alternative Lifestyle Singles now! |
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I had intended to start my blog journey here with something juicy and appealing to the prurient types but I’ve decided to go with something that has always annoyed me about the search for interesting people. And the issue, as you might have guessed, is rejection. Or more specifically, the behavior of people who experience rejection especially on sites like this. To be fair, I’ll preface this with the fact that I’m mainly talking about men because that is my main set of experience with the matter. But I am by no means giving a pass to women because I know many of the same behaviors apply to them as well. How often do you come across people who sound interesting and put forth an intriguing demeanor as well as intelligent conversation only to experience an amazing flip to a childish persona and behavior when you “disappoint” them? Now I’ve found that “disappointment” can take a variety of forms from a lack of immediate message replies to ignoring the flood of silly “hellos” every time you log in to deciding that the connection just isn’t there. Suddenly this person that has seemed to be very interested in getting to know you is now some childish guy who starts to send barbed little messages pointing out all the flaws he sees in you. The most laughable “flaw” that I’ve been admonished for is being too selective in what I’m looking for (which really means that I’m not willing to just accept whatever is offered) and how that means I’ll never find anyone (which would be amusing to the people who know me in the physical sense). Of course the real “flaw” is that you hurt his fragile feelings and he either doesn’t have your undivided attention or he didn’t get his way. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that these kinds of bi-polar personality traits aren’t the kind of qualities that you want in BDSM connections or relationships  .. In the past I’ve made the mistake of giving out an email address or IM contact information too early in the process and a number of times it’s turned into a form of cyber harassment with an unstable child. So I’ve adopted a policy of staying rather anonymous and never giving out a lot of personal or contact information until I’ve actually met someone socially and decided that I really want to let him get that much closer to me. I’m sure I’m not alone in this cloaked and guarded existence, especially among the women here. And guys, this is why smart women aren’t quick to let you get close. Rather amusingly, this is also why scammers are quick to appear unguarded, open and appeasing ..So the questions I’ll put forth to the readers out there are: Has your experience rejecting someone usually been met with mature behavior or something more childish or disturbing? How have you dealt with rejection from others? And.. If you find yourself rejected then would you prefer it to simply be a “no thanks” type thing or would you prefer to understand a little about the “why”?? And as a related bonus question, when presented with “why” then would you simply accept the view (and maybe learn from it) or be inclined to argue the point in hopes of convincing someone that they’re “wrong”?
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2/22/2022 3:15 am |
Ty for the post
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First off, this site has forever had broken elements. They don't really attempt to fix them. The main thing they want you to do is pay for membership. so you can read and send messages, The best place to communicates is in blogs. For instance may have set up their blogs to have a message service and their profile at the top of the blog. Secondly, a good number of the profiles that generally do not blog are fakes and scammers. Or, they are just plain asshats. Many ware wankers, and have no concept of reality. Non the less, welcome to the blogs. Best to you. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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I must have been very lucky, as not being here actively long, made one of my first contacts turn into a relationship. Afterward, I have again been lucky as all my communication is happening here, in the blogs department, where the real people are, or at least the majority, and by reading what we share here, we simply get to know each other better, hence building some necessary mutual respect. And when the contact privately happens, which was rare in my case, I am blatantly clear it won't turn into anything else but chatting. So far, I have gathered a few dear friends, and therefore find myself fortunate what keeps me coming back here
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Just my opinion on this, for what it's worth. If someone says they're not interested, that's basically it. People do change over time, and at some later point, that person may have a change of heart, but that's not for anyone else to decide or try to force. Being rude, offensive and verbally combative in response to rejection are, and SHOULD be considered completely unacceptable. That being said, it is generally helpful to know why someone is disinterested. There may be any one of a number of reasons. Perhaps my approach was too forward. Maybe the other person doesn't share many kinks and isn't interested in exploring new ones (lots of profiles don't list kinks, so I think this is valid). I've had two instances in the past where the reason for rejection resulted in a conversation, and those women ended up engaging me despite previously turning me down. This was because I wasn't an asshole like so many other men had been to them, and that by itself turned rejection into attraction. By the same token as the rejection, the rejector should endeavor to not be offensive as to the reason(s) for the rejection. If one feels this is not possible, the person doing the rejecting should politely decline from giving reasons, rather than being rude and offensive. Any response that follows such reasons should be respectful in kind, and should not be an attempt to renegotiate. At the end of the day, there needs to be a level of respect all around in any interaction, regardless of the style. I should always respect what others are trying to get from any alternative lifestyle, and I should be equally respected in kind. Only if certain behaviors are *invited* into the interaction should they be considered acceptable, however this isn't exactly in context with the topic of your blog post as such things typically do not involve rejections. Anyway, just my thoughts.
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Firstly, I am sorry you have had a negative experience here. Unfortunately this site (like many other internet "dating" sites) has its share of people who have no desire to move forwards. I am very familiar with the disparity of expectation though, where some want to interact 24/7, others will "dip and wade". As a Lesbian Domme I do my best to gently let down the men that approach me, 90% are understanding and respectful, 10%... well lets just say the comments are intended to be spiteful and come across as spoiled. Is there a difference between how women and men take rejection on this site; I would say from my experience there is. Mostly it is because the women I interact with are slowly built relationships where we explore together what is of mutual benefit. Unfortunately this will often identify deviations of need, where we are not perfectly in alignment. At that time sensible decisions need to be made as to whether to continue or to stand back from a relationship. Communicating that respectfully and sensitively can be hard, resulting in some form of "ghosting" or tempestuous termination of communications. For me these are always painful (even if I am the one initiating) as is is the end of something you work towards. All I can really say is keep your standards high, do not settle for anything that does not work for you and *thank you* for sharing your profile pic, it puts a smile on my face!
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I wish it were only the men who treated this site in that manner. However, I think it is a human nature that when there is too much choice we collapse down to our base desires. Gold membership or not; I regularly get contacts from people (both sexes) who *demand* my attention. You are correct they rarely (ever?) read profiles and assume that because my profile pic shows certain tastes then *they* will get treated that way. When corrected the vitriol can be palpable. I have less issue with the same type of individuals asserting that the "whole of alt is fake" when they do so publicly and in doing so show the rest of Alt who they are. The individulas who "snipe" in IM's / Cam session's or via email can be more frustrating.
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Just my opinion on this, for what it's worth. If someone says they're not interested, that's basically it. People do change over time, and at some later point, that person may have a change of heart, but that's not for anyone else to decide or try to force. Being rude, offensive and verbally combative in response to rejection are, and SHOULD be considered completely unacceptable. That being said, it is generally helpful to know why someone is disinterested. There may be any one of a number of reasons. Perhaps my approach was too forward. Maybe the other person doesn't share many kinks and isn't interested in exploring new ones (lots of profiles don't list kinks, so I think this is valid). I've had two instances in the past where the reason for rejection resulted in a conversation, and those women ended up engaging me despite previously turning me down. This was because I wasn't an asshole like so many other men had been to them, and that by itself turned rejection into attraction. By the same token as the rejection, the rejector should endeavor to not be offensive as to the reason(s) for the rejection. If one feels this is not possible, the person doing the rejecting should politely decline from giving reasons, rather than being rude and offensive. Any response that follows such reasons should be respectful in kind, and should not be an attempt to renegotiate. At the end of the day, there needs to be a level of respect all around in any interaction, regardless of the style. I should always respect what others are trying to get from any alternative lifestyle, and I should be equally respected in kind. Only if certain behaviors are *invited* into the interaction should they be considered acceptable, however this isn't exactly in context with the topic of your blog post as such things typically do not involve rejections. Anyway, just my thoughts. I wish more people took such an adult view of the world. No means no. However, Not now also means no... I have had many fabulous interactions with people whom I wouldn't scene with, some I might consider at a future date but in the moment, no. If I am interested enough to establish a conversation then I am invested enough to talk respectfully about why now is not the right time.
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I must have been very lucky, as not being here actively long, made one of my first contacts turn into a relationship. Afterward, I have again been lucky as all my communication is happening here, in the blogs department, where the real people are, or at least the majority, and by reading what we share here, we simply get to know each other better, hence building some necessary mutual respect. And when the contact privately happens, which was rare in my case, I am blatantly clear it won't turn into anything else but chatting. So far, I have gathered a few dear friends, and therefore find myself fortunate what keeps me coming back here Long may that continue to be the case.
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