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THUR 13 APL 1015HRS JUST BACK FROM THE GYM. WOKE AT 0500 COULDNT GO BACK TO SLEEP been thinking a lot about what someone said to me the other day, thqat i should not use her as the arbiter of my happiness, 1 thats very easy to say but after so many years, the happiest ive known, its very hard not to. OK so there where times i got pissed off and angry but that was very rare, as i have to constantly control the anger and violence held inside me from years of military training and action. I know once 'let out' it has no limits till what ever it has been realised AT is either in intensive care or a hole in the ground OR i am in hospital or my own hole in the ground. 2 I have found the last 5 years with my foot, pain and lack of mobility very trying. if its trying for me it must be for others. I have tried really hard NOT to let it dictate what i do. but some times the pain and it is so debilitating. Its no fun driving all the way to Northumberland to see a castle and sand dunes, and the walk around the castle leaves you so knackered the thought of walking through the dunes is just too much. Then watching the person your with stroll off to said dunes while im stuck in the car! not because i didnt want to walk along the beach, i did very much, i just couldnt. and when they return they without knowing how disapointed and hurt i would be, simply say, its no fun walking through the sand dunes on your own. Its little things like that sow the seeds of resentment and unhappiness. the person i was with will never know HOW unhappy her one sentence made me feel. as i had FAILED to maker HER HAPPY, and thats ALL i ever wanted to do. 3 I realize that my happiness is or was tied up with hers. when i stopped making her happy and didnt know that i didnt change. i thought everything was fine so just carried on and we stopped being lovers and became like a bored husband and wife stuck in the same rut, both knowing we wanted more or something different BUT .... so why did i start on losing wieght, ? as an outward sign that chris had changed. could change could be a different person, almost back to the chris i was 30 years ago mentaly and physicly, not perfect but much nearer the old me i liked. im now down to 110kgs (the weight i was when i used to play rugby for the ROYAL AIR FORCE!!! but my target is 90kgs, so if i do go into hospital for 3 to 4 months im sure ill hit the target. I physicly fiiter as well than ive been for years too. this morning i was bench pressing 95kges the weight loss gym and counciling to change or rediscover the me i liked was at first to try and impress someone else. to prove i could be a better happer person. if i liked me again maybe they would like me too again. I now realise that i may be different but they are too. and no matter how much weight i lose, i cant rewind the years that seem to fly by. i cant compete if thats the word with some one 20 years younger than me. i cant undo the allination that for some reason and im still not sure how this happened with her family, lol her still owes me a fiver he borrowed from me to tip the taxi driver when he came back from america. so ill just muddle on, keep losing weight going to the gym etc take each day at a time not for anyone else but just for ME. Maybe one day, when we are both old and grey(er) we could rekindly things ,,,but with my medical shit who knows if ill live THAT long....if you see a small orb in your bedroom.....dont be calling Evett Fielding your know who or what it is lol. Life only puts one or two good women in a mans path, so you just have to hope for the best and fight everyday for what you have. the chances of meeting socialy once in a while for lunch now appear not to happen, so i have to except im TOTALLY alone. my rock that i would cling to in stormy seas has been submerged and im adrift. So thismorning i through out the last of the happy pills i havent taken them for a while as i thought i still had rock to depend on when times got really bad but i have to try to soldier own some how. Mid morning i had a call from garon park, asking if i could pop in for a bit as they where short of 3 adults for a kiddies event . Spent 2 hours helping hide hard boiled eggs around the cricket area. At 1300hrs I then helped out at the LITTLE HEROS LATE EASTER EGG HUNT. little heros is a charity for families with autistic , between the ages of 3 to 16. There was a animal petting area, pony and donkey rides and the hunt the red or yellow painted eggs. For some reason a little chap named Paul, aged 7 just latched onto me and we had a deep lng chat about the rabit he was stoking and his rabit at home. His rabit is called PETER, and BEER=REX OTTER has written lots of stories about a naughty rabit called peter that his mum and dad read to him. his rabit isnt as naughty as the rabit in the stories. but he does talk to his rabit, about what he has done at school or over the weekend. he then told me EVERYTHING he knew about rabits and how to look after them. As the other did other things he just wanted to sit with me and talk about rabits for over an hour....so i just sat on the big bench and listened to him, asking the odd questions about rabits, hutches and taking the rabit for a walk on a lead. his mother when it was time to leave told me he hardly ever speaks, she had no idea he talked to his rabit and she had NEVER seen him EVER talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING before., she couldnt thank me enough. I dont know who had a better time, paul or me. He insisted on giving me a hug good bye and his mum said he never does that to us. '' you must have a special gift ''. but honestly i dont know what i did so special, i t was just sort of happened. he reminded me a bit of some one i used to know maybe ? Anyway the lady who was running the event also thanked me for my time and had seen me sitting with the lad for so long and asked if i was avalible for future events. So i gave her my number and explained about what might happen re my foot and hospital, but i would be happy to assist at future events. tonight im watching NEW NAKED ALONE AND RACING TO GET HOME on channel 4. ITS SO FUNNY tHE 2 MILITARY VETS ARE AHEAD IN THE RACE BUT DOING NEARLY everything wrong. wondering round sweaty jockland naked is one thing but not eating , making the worst over night shelter ive ever seen,,,how ever did this twat pass out of basic training ? I WOULD have failed him on day 1, THE 4 RULES FOR SURVIVAL IN A NON COMBAT ZONE ARE... 1 WATER 2 FOOD 3 SHELTER 4 FIRE not in that order but they are the 4 needed for survival IN A COMBAT ZONE, CONCELMENT SHOULD BE A PRIME CONCIDERATION . sorry slipped into full on artic warfare mode. lol |
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