Blog : Torture and Self Abuse - What I Do In the Shadows. Episode One.

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11/12/2022 2:40 pm

Torture and Self Abuse - What I Do In the Shadows. Episode One.

This is something of an epic, though I will present it in parts… the true and actual account of a day of extreme self-abuse. When I am without a play partner, I will often play alone… this is the story of one such episode… When I do this, there is a duality in me… almost schizophrenic… simultaneously sadist and masochist. At the same time, I am fantasizing that I am in the hands of another person who takes almost psychopathic pleasure from treating me with contemptuous disgust… demeaning me and using me as nothing more than a sexual object… a sub-human pig with which they can do anything that amuses, entertains, arouse and gratifies them. I let my hands do what they do without thinking about it or moderating it. When I speak to myself it is often only in my head although sometimes, I will speak the words out aloud.

The piece was originally written for a prospective dominant who requested a detailed description of what I do alone… as this person subsequently ghosted, I will share it here for all to read despite the graphic and humiliating details

So…

I wake at around 7am feeling horny. I have slept wearing only an old t-shirt that I’ve had on for a few days. In all this time I haven’t washed so my body smells sweaty, musky. To add to this, it was a hot and sweaty night. My cock is semi hard and I feel the immediate need to piss. ‘Good morning cunt”, I tell myself.

I have made a firm contract with myself regarding today. It is to be a torture and abuse day… a ‘no-excuses’, ‘get what you fucking deserve’ day. For the previous three days, I’ve been watching violent and abusive torture porn and edging myself but not allowing myself to cum. I am feeling a deep sexual yearning in my belly and crotch and an overwhelming bittersweet sexual frustration.

Still groggy with sleep, I raise my arms above my head to stretch. My armpits smell amazing. My hand strays to my crotch and I give my balls a squeeze. I lift my hand to my nose and smell the pungent ball sweat on my fingers. The scent makes me feel hornier and I lick my middle and index fingers and push them up into my greasy sweaty arse. I then return them to my face and push the fingers up into my left nostril and then the right. The arse grease has a strong musky smell that has the immediate effect of fully hardening my cock and intensifying my feelings of lust. My hand goes to my cock and I squeeze it hard, digging in the fingernails. I push down the bedsheet and look at my hard cock gripped in my fist with the nails digging in. The knob is swollen with the pressure and the sight stirs my inner sadist. I flick at the knob with the back of fingertips then spread my legs wide and slap my balls hard in an upstroke from below. I feel it up into my belly. “Get up cunt” I tell myself and the pain lingers as I sit up on the side of the bed.

I hold my balls in my left hand and feel their weight then squeeze them between thumb and fingers. They are full, heavy and sensitive. I really need to piss, but my inner sadist intervenes. “You can piss when I say you can piss cunt”, I tell myself. I squeeze my balls harder and pull up on them forcing myself to stand.

I lead myself like this out to the kitchen, past all of the torture implements and toys that I had laid out the night before in preparation. I make coffee and roll a spliff. My arse scent is still strong in my nostrils as I make my way out to the balcony to drink my coffee and smoke the joint. As the euphoria of the weed comes on, I feel myself further detaching from the daily world, my lusts deepen and all of my logical reservations disappear. I am now very much just a cunt… a sexual object at the mercy of my own sadistic imagination. I feel the intense mix of excitement and trepidation that comes with this. As I toke on the joint, I’m looking at the potted stinging nettle that I have growing there. I’m both fearful and excited as I survey its serrated needle covered leaves and stems, but I think… “not just yet”. I brush the joint out on the rough brick wall before dropping it into the jar of butts and replacing the lid. I drain my coffee cup and take a deep breath before telling myself with a sadistic smirk, “Alright cunt… back inside… it’s fun time.”

Once inside, I strip off the sweaty t-shirt so that I am now completely naked and turn on some music. The need to piss is powerful now. I drop to my knees, keeping them splayed wide. I grip myself by the balls, pull downwards and squeeze them, digging in my fingernails. It hurts. I hold my spare hand immediately in front of my face and I spit into my hand and smear it on my face. As I haven’t brushed my teeth since yesterday morning, it adds to the stink of arse grease and ball sweat with its own strong and meaty scent. I slap my face hard, left, right, left, right. While still squeezing my balls, I squeeze my cheeks as an abuser would and push two fingers into my mouth, making myself gag a little. My dirty, old running shoes are beside me on the floor. I release my balls from my clenched fist. I pick up one of the shoes and use it to play with my face as if it were on my abuser’s foot. I can smell the stink of sweaty dirty feet. I push my hand inside the shoe and run it with pressure down on to my chest, grinding it down on my nipples before making way down to my crotch. My cock is hard, and I play with it, kicking it around and grinding it into my belly, before putting the toe under my balls and delivering twenty hard kicks from below.

Now I drop the shoe and play a bit with the nipples… pinching, squeezing and twisting, making it hurt. As I do this, it is all I can do to hold back the piss… the urge is overwhelming, but I hold it. On the table beside me, currently at eye level, I have laid out various instruments of torture. Right at the front there is a pile of, maybe two dozen, shiny steel alligator clips of different sizes. I pick up one of the alligator clips and clip it endwise on to the left nipple. The pain is immediate and intense as I watch the tender nipple being crushed between the biting little jaws. I play with it now, twisting it and pulling on it, then release it and squeeze and rub the sore nipple between my fingers before putting it back on again. I leave the clamp there and picking up another, I repeat this with the right nipple and then play with them both, twisting and pulling on the nasty little clamps. I play with them, taking them off, and putting them back on, then add a third and a fourth. My inner sadist is amused by the sharp intensity of the pain and my desperation to release my bladder and so I take my time, sadistically enjoying the torment.

I leave them there now, two on each nipple and gripping myself roughly by the balls I force myself to stand and lead myself into the bathroom. This is an older style 60’s bathroom with a toilet. The toilet has not been cleaned in well over a month and I smell its’ stink as I get down on the tiled floor beside it. Lying on my back, I bring my feet back over my head so that my cock is directly over my face. “Open your fucking mouth and keep your eyes open,” I tell myself. Then I push the fingers of one hand into my mouth getting them wet with drool before pushing them deep up into my arsehole. As I drill deep, I can feel just the tip of a turd there. I draw the fingers out and wipe them on my face, especially around and in the nose. There is now just the faintest scent of shit added to the arse grease and ball sweat. I now take my hand away and finally allow myself to piss. This is morning piss, strong in scent, flavour and colour. It splatters with force over my face, into my mouth and up my nose. I choke on it but just keep pissing. It gets in my eyes and hair and puddles under my head and upper back, splashing onto my chest. I’ve been holding on for so long it takes some time before I am spent. I make myself get up on my hands and knees and push my face down into the puddle forcing myself to slurp it up and clean my mess.

I stand. Piss is dripping from my hair, running down my body and onto the floor. I stand roughly stroking my hard cock while I drip piss. It is ultra sensitive from the preceding three days of stimulation with no release and the sensation takes my breath away. Then suddenly before I even think of it, I slap it hard. It stings and I slap it hard over and over, backhand and forehand from every available angle. Then I tell myself “Legs apart cunt” and give myself hard slaps to the balls from underneath. I face slap myself hard on the cheek and then the other way making my face sting. Again, I grip myself by the balls and lead myself back out to the lounge room. Right on cue, Spotify is playing Nine Inch Nails, ‘I Want to Fuck You Like an Animal’.

There is a length of rough sisal twine on the table and I now use this to tightly bind the cock and balls… for now just around the back of both like a tight rough painful cock ring. I handle them roughly as I do this. When I am finished, the meat now stands out separated from the body, the cock swollen rock hard, knob purple, and the balls trapped and unable to retreat up into the body.

I have an old, retired leather belt with the buckle cut off that has been folded over in half and taped together at the fold to make a double slapper. The two ends are slightly offset so that they will both strike the flesh at once. I bend myself over the back of a wooden chair and give myself around twenty hard strokes to my arse cheeks. Turning myself around I alternate between my belly and inner thighs with the strap… I’m not counting but the strokes are coming thick and fast. Every now and again, I hit at my teats, which are still crushed by the alligator clips… that really hurts! Then I focus on the cock, standing out so vulnerable and stupid, striking it from all directions and then include the balls, striking cock, balls, cock, balls, over and over.

I change implements now to the short genital flogger. This has eight strands of leather and stings like hell. I go straight to the inner thighs with this. Then, bending over, I swing it around behind me to stroke my arse. With my free hand I pull my arse cheek wide and aim the ends of the flogger in to strike at the arsehole… then up between the thighs to catch the cock and balls from underneath… over and over before standing myself up and thoroughly flogging the cock and balls. I don’t hold back. These are hard strikes that have the flogger wrapping around the cock, sometimes just the head, sometimes the shaft, sometimes the balls, or everything all at once. Halfway through the flogging I pause to remove the alligator clamps from my nipples. I rub and massage them which really hurts before using the flogger on them in between strokes at the cock and balls and up between the legs to target the arsehole.

I stop now and inspect the meat. It is truly engorged, straining in its bonds, the shaft and balls are a shade of red and the knob is deep purple. There are small bruises coming out in various places. My internal sadist is very much aroused by this and I roughly masturbate it, slapping the balls around with each stroke until it starts to feel like climaxing then I let go, allow it to calm a moment then slap it and the balls back and forth creating a deep pain that goes right to my gut.

There is a tall jar one third full of thumbtacks on the table. I pick it up and push my hard cock into the jar, pressing it down into the crotch to seal it against the pubic mound and then shake it violently. I go on for maybe 30 seconds before stopping to look. There is a little blood spattered on the inside of the glass along with all of the precum and I can see where some of the tacks are just barely stuck into the flesh. I shake it again… harder again this time. It is a pain that reminds me of the time I was made to sit down amongst frenzied black ants that swarmed all over the cock, balls and arsehole, biting viciously. I do this several times for about 30 seconds each time. When I pull the cock out, it now has a number of minor little cuts and similar wounds, though nothing major amongst the developing small bruises. It is hard and swollen, shades of red and purple and framed by the thin welts and strap marks on my belly and thighs

I pick up the riding crop. I use it to play with the meat, pushing it around, drawing the shaft of the crop between my legs and through my arse crack, before using it for its intended purpose. Over and over its’ stinging blows hit my cock, balls, nipples and arsehole as well as the surrounding flesh… arse cheeks, inner thighs and belly. Eventually I stop and drop the crop on the ground. Again, I brutally jerk it off, stopping just before cumming and this time just leave it. I’m left hanging and feel the deep frustration multiplied again.

Picking up the jar of thumbtacks, I spread them on the seat of the wooden chair. I take a little time to ensure that most of them at least are point upwards. The chair is placed within easy reach of the table so as to be able to access the implements waiting there. Placing one foot either side of the chair, I sit down on it while spreading my arse cheeks with my two hands. I settle down onto the tacks and feel them sticking into my arse as my full weight comes to bear. I can feel them pressing into and around my taint and arsehole.

I play a little with my nipples and the tightly bound cock and balls, squeezing, pinching, twisting and scratching. I go back to the alligator clips and use some of them to clip onto the loose scrotum flesh drawing it tight on the bound balls. I play with these a bit twisting and pulling, taking them off and putting them back on. I then decorate the cock shaft with alligator clips starting at the base and working my way up to the head. This is already intensely painful but I persevere. I take my time as I play with the knob, putting some of the larger, more brutal clamps on to the glans on either side of the pisshole, then using some of the smaller ones to clip around the corona. The knob is engorged and swollen, the purple skin tight like a drum. I twist and pull on the clamps. When I remove the large ones they have left deep dark teeth impressions in the flesh, which excites and motivates my inner sadist to put them back on and take them off again repeatedly, each time placing them in a slightly different position on the knob to create a pattern of teeth marks all over it. This is agonizing. They hurt as much or more coming off as they do going on.

One by one, taking my time and playing with them as I go, starting at the ball bag and slowly working my way up to the head, I now remove all the alligator clips. The cock is starting to look really beaten up now. Once that is done, I tell myself to stand. As I do, some of the thumbtacks fall off. Others are stuck into me and I have to use my hands to remove them.

I go to the kitchen and roll myself another joint. I somehow need to piss again and this time do it into a drinking glass filling it with strong, foaming amber fluid. I sip it and the taste is bitter. I fill my mouth with it, put my head back and gargle. I take the glass of piss and go back out on to the balcony. I sit out there in the morning sun, smoke the spliff and drink from the glass of piss. The concrete is still cold under my naked arse. I am very much feeling every bit a filthy pain pig. In the fresh outdoor air, I can smell myself afresh, the strong scent of the mix of sweat, piss and arse grease that coats my skin. Along with the pain, I am feeling a deep, frustrated sense of arousal. I was feeling thirsty before I came out here and the piss is doing nothing to quench it. Rather it is leaving an acrid dry bitter after taste in my mouth and at the back of my throat. It tastes like drinking from an old public urinal. Again, I am looking at the stinging nettles bristling in the sunlight.

As I reach the end of the joint, an evil thought strikes me. “You know what you can do with that,” I tell myself. I take a draw on what remains of the joint to refresh the burning tip, before using it to tickle around the corona of my cock head. I take another toke and play with it a little on the shaft skin before casually brushing it out across my bound balls. Small embers brush off and take a few seconds to go out burning as they do. It amuses my sadistic side to watch them burn out without intervening. I pick up the remaining half of the glass of piss and tipping my head back, I drain the glass.

I crawl over to the nettles. I planted them about two months earlier, having purchased seedings online. They have grown vigorously into a healthy bush, now around 40cm high. To the side on a low shelf, there are leather gardening gloves and scissors. I kneel up and position myself so that I will have to lean forward over the plant to pick up the gloves and scissors. As I do, my mostly erect cock pushes in amongst the leaves and stems and I feel the first biting stings as the plants brush against the engorged meat. I push it forward and hold it in there as I don the gloves and cut several strong healthy stems before pulling back out. Now, with my gloved hands, I wrap the leaves around the cock shaft and rub with pressure. The pain is immediate and intense. As I do this, I am very much aware that this pain will be with me for the next twelve hours. I rub the leaves around the cock head and under the glans corona. I pull the shaft skin back and thoroughly massage the leaves roughly into the stretched and sensitive skin below the head. I handle it roughly making sure to cover every patch of bare flesh. My urethra is leaking precum, so I take advantage of the lubrication to push one of the stems, bristling with sharp crystalline needles into my pisshole and deep into the urethra, rotating it as I push it down. My cock is on fire, biting, stinging, itching, sharp pricks of pain consuming it. With the stem buried deep inside my cock and the growing tip poking from my pisshole, I take another stem and start roughly working it over my balls, diligently covering all the skin. I move forward onto all fours now with my arse high and take a handful of leaf rubbing it in and around my arsehole. I push the leaves up inside and leave them there. The biting stinging burning pain consumes my entire crotch, but nowhere worse than my cock which is throbbing and buzzing with pain. It is somehow similar to extreme electrical but different. I grab hold of the cock and masturbate it violently while with the other hand I squeeze and roughly massage the balls to make sure every little silicone needle has broken and discharged its caustic load into the flesh. Then with my gloved hands I slap the cock and balls hard over and over and from all directions. I slowly draw the stem from my urethra, again rotating it as I pull it out. Then I roughly rub the growing tip all around the glans, making sure that whatever needles remain are finding their way into the most sensitive and delicate places. Then I maul the flesh again squeezing rubbing twisting and slapping to finish the job properly. Finally, I reach behind and pull the leaves from out of my arse. I am trembling and breathing heavily, my crotch in agony as I sit on the concrete floor overwhelmed with sensations that are now totally out of my control and will be for the remainder of the day.

I know that every torture now will be coloured by this undercurrent of ever-present torment. Everything will be worse. There can be no stepping back. I am in the hands of the cruelest side of Goddess Nature, and she knows no mercy. My sadistic side is excited by this, and the sensation of lust is powerful, wanting more intensity more delicious suffering. My masochistic side is feeling helpless vulnerable, almost desperate with the throbbing pain from the abusive nettle treatment, but also deeply aroused. I know we are only getting started.

I will pause my story here but there is more to come… much, much more…


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