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The masochist is not the beating heart of every kink interaction. Sadists are whole people, too. I recently had a (vanilla) conversation that went something like this: I’m not going to do X. It might harm you. I’m already destroyed. It’s okay to do X. Destruction isn’t a finite thing. You can always sink deeper into a mire. I’m really okay with the risk. I don’t really care. I do care, though. You really don’t have to care. I’m completely okay with it. The one thing he couldn’t understand was that I wasn’t okay with it. Your indifference to your destruction has no bearing on my ethics. My willingness to harm you doesn’t grow with your willingness to take that harm. We are two separate entities. I take my boundaries with me everywhere I go. They don’t change every time I meet someone who’s in self-destruct mode. The conversation didn’t happen in a kink context, but it does frame an important trait in S&M relationships: A sadist’s ethical boundaries don’t crash down simply because your masochistic heart is willing to be destroyed. The masochist is not the beating heart of every kink interaction. Sadists are whole people, too. If you want someone to cook your earlobes with fava beans and a nice chianti, but your sadist is a vegan who’s into a little light spanking, your desires don’t trump their ethics. Convincing them of how little you care about your earlobes won’t achieve what you think it will. The depths to which you’re willing to sink are not the sole determinants of your play. If your partner only dives to 10 feet and you dive to 50, you have two ethical choices: Dive to 10 feet and no lower. Find a willing partner who dives to 50. These are not ethical choices: Convincing your sadist that you don’t really mind the risks. Explaining why it isn’t a big deal. Telling them you’ll take all the consequences onto your shoulders. You won’t. Your sadist will have to live with the damage, too, possibly for the rest of their lives. You never can tell until you get to the end of the story, so no, Masochist Mike, you cannot take all the consequences onto your shoulders. It’s tempting to make kink decisions as a couple. It’s tempting to dive as far as your partner will allow. It’s human nature to take on the ethics of your person. We are social beings with contagious values. The more time we spend around an idea, the more normalised it becomes, so we all need exceptional clarity to keep our boundaries upright. We have a terrible habit of treating tops as the supporting characters in our stories. As masochists, we need to do better. We need to put actual work into honouring our partners’ boundaries. They are every bit as important as our own. |
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Shila this is a very good post. A lot of people forget or ignore the fact that life in general and this life in particular has a lot of dangers and resulting consequences for specific actions. I will speak of general actions first and then the BDSM life in particular. For me and a lot of my friends, we grew up when Work Health and Safety rules were nowhere near as strong as they are today, and we did things like lift items wrongly creating the initial problems of bad backs or damaged shoulders. For me, as a soldier of 39 years we had to do different tasks like jumping from trucks or structures or even parachuting, and we ignored the fact that we were starting to damage knees and hips and aggravating spinal damage. That is until we got to the ripe old age of 40 or more, and where bending became a painful chore, and where even getting out of bed became a bit of a challenge because of stiffness. Simply put, we never considered the outcomes of our actions back in those days, and now we are paying the penalty with quality of life. We considered ourselves bullet proof and unbreakable. Well every single day these days I am reminded that I wasn't bullet proof. Now when it comes to BDSM, we either don't know of the dangers because of lack of experience and knowledge, or we ignore that information in search of that fun, excitement and fulfillment that we all seek. I like being involved in dishing out bruises and marks with impact play, but I have to be mindful of the damage that my power can cause to someone, even though they may be complete pain sluts and crave more. They may not have the experience to understand the long term damages or they fail to have it register in their minds. I love to hurt but at times I am torn between my likes and the safety of the sub, and so I have to become the tormenter/abuser and their conscience to prevent damage. There are other activities in BDSM that have dangers to them. They be breath/choking, and fisting. We should all know that the brain is damaged through lack of oxygen, and even though it might only be for a few seconds, what long term damage is occurring. Is it going to contribute to dementia/Alzheimer's in later life. I don't think any of us actually want to be diagnosed with those if we had a choice. And when it comes to fisting, there was a woman and 2 men who were drinking at an on the beach sex party here in New South Wales, Australia. The guys, and I guess her, decided a fisting would be a good thing. Well they did it, and during the process they caused internal bleeding to her. Nothing was done towards seeking help and they all past out on the sand. In the morning she was dead. They tried to dispose of the body but failed and as a result the body was discovered by others. The guys concerned were prosecuted and jailed for 15 years for her death. You can google this because it was a real event. So yes we have to have ethics when it comes to our beliefs/desires/wants and needs and we should NEVER lose sight of the fact that there is dangers in life, and that someone else may know better was is good for us, simply because they are more experienced or that they risk assess activities and associated dangers. Sorry for rabbiting on about this dear Shila, but as you can probably guess, it is something that I feel strongly about.
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10/8/2023 11:05 pm |
you read and comment all my blogs i like it
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YOU Shila are a very sexy and interesting person, and I like that.
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