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"All about me" I copied this from a blog I do to help those who are trying to understand BDSM and might be in a "50 shades" mentality... In the world of BDSM, Many people on the 'other' side of the fence will say that any submissive commenting on the fact that BDSM is "all about me" is a topping from the bottom mentality. Let me explain why it is not only the right way to think but the smart way as well. Controversy? Maybe. Outside of the box thinking? Possibly. Factual thought process? Definitely. Be open minded when reading this - it might take a while for it to sift through before you catch on because I tend to ramble - it might not. *If I am Master, it is "all about me". *If I am dominant, it is "all about me". *Same if I am slave or submissive; it is "all about me". *Top, bottom, kinkster, and every other shade; (say it with me) it is "all about me". I read many writings about how things change. If one is the person in control it's not even really thought about. However, if a submissive or slave states the changes are affecting their relationship and how unhappy they are with the situation, then we hear a lot of replies with "That has an awful lot of I's and my's. Makes me think its all about the sub." Well, duh. If it wasnt all about "me" as a sub, then any owner would do. Right?! Pfffft - How unfeasible is that?? When two people meet, there is a connection - if not, they move on because the other didn't or couldn't fulfill that persons requirements - that connection develops/deepens as words are said, action is taken, and knowledge is gained. In that process each make a decision: Is this person right for me? OMG - did I just say that?? They each have a choice? ... They can (gulp) make individual decisions? Why yes. Yes, I did.  For example. Why would I be with a man who is a Sadist that has no desire to use anything remotely furry or thuddy unless it has hidden tacks/claws and I can’t tolerate pain? Why? Because it's all about me! Of course (grins), that Sadist wants me because he enjoys inflicting pain and, being the wuss I am, it would only give him more pleasure. But wait: I'm still pining over my last relationship and this Sadist has a dislike for that kind of situation so he walks away. Why? Because it's all about him. Are you getting the picture here? When mutual attraction, interests, desires, needs, etc are met and two people agree on developing that relationship, it is because it’s all about them as individuals. As the trust grows because they both test the other (yep, they test each other. The Owner gives commands to see how well the sub responds ... the results of that tests allow the Owner to trust the sub is the person for them. The sub tests as well for the same reason and so on) - let's not get into semantics just yet. I don’t do well with many things others might think of as essential for their relationship ... but isn’t that to be expected? Don’t we all have limits others don’t even think twice about? When first speaking with a dominant, tell them what is needed. How you are. Expectations (you know, those things desired and needed). Since there are so many players, the mindset can be negative because of the many disappointments of previous meetings (online or in real time) but, if he’s patient (which would be a great plus no matter how new or experienced you are) he’ll wade through the BS, watching and listening. Holding nothing back because there’s nothing to lose at this point and you’ll soon discover (unless you’re a slow learner) to become tired of the pain when lowering your standards - OMG did I just say submissives have standards?? Me? A self-pronounced submissive?? Why yes. yes; I did. (I also know there are some out there who think 'submissive' and 'standards' are an oxy-moron. I know this because I've had conversations with them .... can you see ME submitting to THEM? Why not? - say it with me now: Because it's all about me! Yes! You did it - YAY!!) Anyway - I digress - kinda. It's all about him. Let’s say he needs someone who can do things the way he wants, how he wants, when he wants. He needs someone to be proud of, to walk with down the street holding hands, to know their place no matter where they stood. He needs someone intellectually stimulating so he can trust their common sense and not have to micro-manage. Someone to fit his needs because, well duh, it's all about him. And this fits for everyone in this roll - just tweak it how you see fit... It's all about me. I need someone to be in control, to do things his way. I need to serve and be proud of my Owner. I need someone stronger/better than me - physically, mentally and emotionally. Someone who doesn’t believe I need to leave my intelligence at the door to be submissive. And, yes, this fits for everyone in this roll - just tweak it how you see fit... Once you find that person that meets your needs and they feel you meet theirs, the "all about me" mindset changes to an "all about us" mentality. He owns you. You might be uncomfortable with things he does for and to you but never crosses the hard limits you’ve previously discussed but he knows how to push you to gain more trust as well as the fact he probably knows you need that because it fits the "all about me" thing which, coincidentally fits his "all about me" thing. How lucky is that? Wait ... that's not luck. That's how it is suppose to work. To be owned by someone who doesn’t care about you and your needs is the worst choice anyone can make. The part where folks tend to throw the "all about me" label in as a bad thing is when one changes in a way that doesn’t support the other’s needs. If your Owner expected you to have his coffee/tea/meal/whatever ready at a certain time, and you stopped doing that then it is no longer all about him and he has the right to make sure you get back into the swing of things or to walk away. So why is it that, if you needed Sir to "tell" you what to do or wear or whatever, and it was something you both acknowledged and was a thread that held your relationship together and it went to the wayside, then why is it wrong for you to be unhappy and question the situation? Why are fingers pointed in disapproval the submissive’s way as folks say (or any other submissive) they should accept these changes? Endure? A relationship starts with the dynamics discussed NEEDED by 2 or more people when thoughts of developing a relationship BEGINS - all based off what the other needs (the "all about me" factor) ... so why is it now non-existent when things change over time and one doesnt want to function without that part especially if that person is the submissive/slave? Recap: It's all about me - giving, serving, being controlled, placing him on a pedestal, making me feel free in my submission. It is all about him - receiving, being served, controlling, being in the position of authority, feeling strong in his dominance. When the two have their needs met, it becomes all about us. When things change that wasn’t expected/wanted by someone in the relationship, it is no longer "all about us" something is wrong and no one should be condemned or told they aren’t worthy of having their needs met. And that’s what I gots ta say about that. Maybe |
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Well said, I concur
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