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On the Importance of Communication in Developing a Mutually Fulfilling Relationship Sometimes when I’m reading a profile or post, I discover someone who says something that perfectly mirrors my feelings. It could be a variety of things but one in particular stopped me the other day when her profile stressed the importance of communication to come to terms with the specifics in developing a bdsm/d/s relationship. To paraphrase, she said we’re not mind readers so talking about things is absolutely necessary. I lit up and thought to myself, “Yes, Exactly!” I’ve encountered a fair amount of women who give me the impression they don’t share this view. I currently have two theories as to why. The first is their introduction into an alternative lifestyle did not involve communication of this sort so it’s foreign to their experience. The second is because it’s like breaking character in a play. They wish to assume the role from the onset and coming out of the role ruins the ambience and sense of mystique for them. I can see their feeling about it if that’s the case. There’s an advantage to standardized practices which has an obvious appeal; everyone knows what to do and the need for communication becomes less necessary if at all. Both assume their role and things go along smoothly so long as both are happy with it. If someone isn’t happy though, how long do they keep it inside or deal with it? It’s like having actors assembled for a play without a script. If they’ve never done this, it’s a scary place to be. The lights come on and nobody knows what to do because this is not how it’s been before unless the actors are somehow prepared to embark on a new adventure and the director finds some way to motivate and inspire their creativity. For me, communication is crucial to developing a mutually fulfilling relationship. Part of this communication is to open doors and inspire creativity. An environment of respect and trust provides a good foundation from which both can begin to open up and ideas can be more easily exchanged. I’ll give an example of something I’ve encountered on several occasions. Corner time is something which seems to be somewhat popular as a form of punishment. I personally have no interest in it as it holds no erotic value for me and I don’t see it as an effective punishment in any context. The only time I might occasionally think to employ it would be as a variation on psychological bondage because I didn’t want her to see what I’m up to. Other than that, the last thing I want is to have someone standing in the corner at anytime, however, some women have communicated in varying ways they enjoy this so I may make use of it in those instances because it means something to them and therefore holds some degree of value in some way within the scheme of things. Communication comes in many forms and talking about these things is of the utmost importance. There are more subtle ways as well. Paying attention and reading nonverbal signals is a skill of the greatest value. What I want is something unique and highly interdependent with someone which transcends any standardized way of doing things. Another profile said it best and again, I’ll paraphrase but she essentially wrote, “Let’s create our own special world together.” Nobody has ever said it better in my mind. That’s what I want. |
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9/4/2007 7:58 pm |
LOL Indeed, as we know, communication is important! Glad we're friends again... don't give me any bad dreams tonight! (j/k) 
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I want your talent with words. I can make people laugh and I can make them think...but to be able to make the laugh, think, wish and dream all in a couple paragraphs? That is a very unique talent. Communication is so important because what one person takes with them from something and someone else from the same event...are completely different. If you don't communicate your relationship (be it friendship or as lovers) cannot grow. Communication is so important because what one person takes with them from something and someone else from the same event...are completely different. You've said it beautifully. This is so true. Communication depends so much on how things are perceived. We really do take different things away from what we experience which is delightful and makes us all unique. One of the great joys of communication is discovering those differences which can open doors for our own thinking. It's interesting applied specifically to bdsm too. Many of us can relate to a moment in a book or movie which set off a reaction that others never experienced; we took something from it that makes us all different from the average person witnessing those same moments. When coming to terms with a relationship, this may be a great starting point in learning about what really makes someone tick, discussing those moments that really struck a chord. It can be an easy way to get someone to open up by watching a movie with them and then talking about what they liked, didn't like and why. The more insight into another's thinking, the better in a serious relationship to me.
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Thank you very much Silence. With all these compliments, I'm suddenly at a loss for words! LOL My expectations are evolving everyday and without that communication with a partner, there will not be any relationship. Just as the relationship will evolve with both parties together, so will the individual desires and needs evolve. To not communicate that will drive an insurmountable wedge (over time) and erode the foundation on which the relationship stands. Yes, that wedge is probably more responsible for relationship failure than any other cause. When someone stops talking, or both become silent, that's a bad sign but of course it's complicated because intense feelings are involved and we can't always speak up easily. I know from experience just holding someone's hand or a hug can at least change the direction and open the doors to talking which can save a relationship from disaster. Anything that moves toward getting things out in the open for talk and change can only help when that wedge appears unless you're dealing with someone who's impossible in which case little can be done.
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LOL Indeed, as we know, communication is important! Glad we're friends again... don't give me any bad dreams tonight! (j/k) What's beautiful about how it turned out is that it was resolved as quickly as it appeared because of communication. I once made the mistake of assuming something because of what I inferred from reading and it wasn't until I was talking to someone else months later that I realized I completely misinterpreted what I read. I learned something valuable from this and now I immediately and privately write to see if what I perceive is reality. As it turned out, I again misinterpreted but communication cleared it up immediately and life is good! I only wish to inspire the sweetest of dreams, perhaps waterlilies this evening! My friendship never stops unless you give me acne producing nightmares!  Bonne nuit.
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You say it so beautifully rose. It really does transform over time and the creation is like a plant that needs watering to keep it growing. Finding someone that will feel the relationship in that same central place is our dream which is when perfect harmony exists because you're on the same wavelength with everything in tune to use musical terms but we all understand it and hope for it if we don't have it in our lives. There's nothing more rewarding or more fragile but communication helps temper the fragility by reassuring and averting those little things that grow into bigger problems when it's lacking. Without question, it's the most amazing experience which is why it rips us apart when lost but because it's so important and so beautiful when it exists, we risk and pursue it with the hope one day it will last. Nothing else in this life comes close to the experience.
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the spoken...you know the old "actions speak louder than words" is so very true... Actions speak volumes and may be the most valuable form of communication because they serve to reinforce or contradict the spoken words which are empty without being put into practice.
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9/5/2007 11:46 pm |
Yes, I can't think of a better example even if this was in the context of cyber communication which is a subject all its own! LOL What's beautiful about how it turned out is that it was resolved as quickly as it appeared because of communication. I once made the mistake of assuming something because of what I inferred from reading and it wasn't until I was talking to someone else months later that I realized I completely misinterpreted what I read. I learned something valuable from this and now I immediately and privately write to see if what I perceive is reality. As it turned out, I again misinterpreted but communication cleared it up immediately and life is good! I only wish to inspire the sweetest of dreams, perhaps waterlilies this evening! My friendship never stops unless you give me acne producing nightmares! Bonne nuit. I certainly hope I don't inspire lesions of any kind... I think that one bad dream was an anomaly... the zit has not cleared, btw.  waiting for my clearsil dream...
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Again, life is really good! You most certainly don't inspire lesions but I think you'll be an incredible inspiration for many with your artistic talent. As for zits, I've been a fan of Cindy Crawford for a long time and I remember her in an interview saying all the models used toothpaste to clear up acne problems. I always thought at the least, it would leave you with that minty fresh feeling! I've also heard high acid foods can help like tomatoes and salads with wine vinegar so it's another possibility if it remains. Dreams can be unpredictable and I know of no way to control them but for me, they tend to reflect the environment I'm in so if I were having bad dreams I would try to get my head into a different place, maybe by going somewhere or watching a movie, really anything to change the thinking pattern and hopefully change the course of the dream subject matter. Sweet dreams Mademoiselle.
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