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that's what friends aren't for For years now I have openly invited fans of my blog and customers who purchased my adult videos to contact me, hold conversations, and do that whole “get to know each other” thing. If you’re a regular reader you know I have been famously unsuccessful, referring to my readers and customers as the most silent bunch of perverts I’ve ever NOT met. Occasionally somebody will take me up on it though, and the results can vary greatly. Some exchange messages with me essentially hoping for masturbation fodder, and they usually get it on a limited basis, if for no other reason than I am just so happy to be communicating with them. More rare are the people I talk to who profess a kind of love and appreciation for me that borders on romantic. I like messaging and getting to know them because I am flattered, to say the least, but also because you never truly know what might develop between us. Being a super duper incredibly hardcore antisocial introvert means my chances of finding friendship or love are nearly non existent, so I pursue nearly every possibility. When someone professes a desire to get to know me on a deeper and more meaningful level I am prone to taking that seriously, and putting my all into it. Loyalty and honesty are the most important things to me, and I give them fully, expecting and actually demanding the same in return. Match my efforts, remain true, and there’s really no limit to what might develop but allow me to give my all while you give less - let’s just say that is usually a recipe for disaster and failure. Just as quickly as I allowed you into my life, and to get close to me, I will shut you out. Play games with me, or lie, and I drop you without hesitation or regret. That might seem cold-hearted but it keeps me from experiencing too much pain or disappointment. I don’t recall how or why I initially began talking to M but I’m fairly certain he purchased some of my videos and we started a basic conversation online. What quickly developed was a budding friendship that was based heavily on arousal and acceptance. You see, M really had a thing for my cock, even though he’d been raised (or brainwashed or something) that sort of thinking was wrong. Our conversations were mostly about his conflicting desires, and his obsession with my penis. He wanted to explore with me, but felt guilty and confused about it, and the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country made it so those thoughts and feelings were never acted upon. We’d discuss what it might be like to meet and get naked together, even make plans for a future we weren’t certain would ever arrive, but that’s really as far as it could realistically go. And so our dynamic was set, and remained as such, for many months. He would buy a few videos, trade messages with me, express how excited yet conflicted he was, and eventually retreat or disappear on me altogether. It was such a regular thing that it became predictable, and I did my best to go with the ebb and flow. I encouraged him to be more visceral and less intellectual about his desires, tried to lay the groundwork for acceptance of said desires, then watched as he freaked out and vocalized the need for a break. He’d disappear, and I’d be left with an empty spot where our conversations were. Love wasn’t developing, or anything like that, but I felt a true form of friendship was. It wasn’t healthy, but it helped to pass the time. I’m sure it won’t surprise anyone when I say the relationship was doomed to fail; it was just a matter of time. That moment came recently, when we were going through the same cycle I described above, and I finally decided I’d had enough. Days earlier I had shared the fact that I was having a huge surge in views on TikTok, assuming he would at the very least pop over and see what was going on. Instead he sent me a lame but supportive message; something about how he was certain I would enjoy immense popularity on the site. That was clearly all the time he intended to spend on the subject, and the conversation quickly went back to where it usually was. He was enamored with my cock, wanted to meet some day in person and explore, but felt very guilty and conflicted by the thoughts and desires. Like a good friend I sent him numerous supportive messages, even going the extra mile and trying to help assuage his guilt. Instead of being grateful he eventually came back with some snippy reply about how I didn’t need to “sell” him on the notion that what he felt was okay to feel. It was followed with the typical, and familiar, lament that he needed to cool off and take a break. My response was immediate and brutal. I laid into him, expressing my frustration at the one-way street our relationship was, letting him know how disappointed I was that he had kept the conversation about sexual things, or his issues with them. The fact that he hadn’t even gone to TikTok to see why I was getting so many views was mentioned, but ultimately I just let him know that I felt he wasn’t a friend, just a selfish asshole. I voiced my frustrations and then said goodbye. As desperate as I am for some form of interaction, I refuse to be used, or made to feel like I am unimportant. True friendship definitely goes both ways and the last thing I need is to waste time with someone who doesn’t understand or practice that. I am already missing the interactions we had, the messages we shared, and the feelings of arousal that often came when we would go in that direction but more than anything I am missing the act of getting to know someone I thought was my friend. In the end, I don’t need friends like M and am resigned to being alone, but it’s not my first choice. I’d sincerely love to make one new, genuine friend that I can trust, that is loyal and wants what we share to be authentic and reciprocal, but it seems like that is too much to hope for. I’m not ready to give up, nor am I eager to dive in head first and hope the water isn’t too shallow. What will be, will be, and the only real power I have is whether or not to allow someone into my life or not. If a person can be true, loyal and sincere they will likely have a place but if they are selfish and uncaring they will definitely not. To me, that is not what friends are for, or how they should be. Not mine anyways. |
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