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the pressure is off Being self-employed for over a decade was a wonderful thing, but the stress of not knowing if I’d be able to pay my bills every month was one that weighed heavily. And as much as I appreciated the freedom to essentially do what I wanted with my time, the pressure to create content in many forms was also tough to deal with. Not only was I trying to release new adult films, I was also writing, and doing a bit of promotion as well. I tried to have a presence on a variety of platforms, and each had its own unique audience to cater to. For me, these things required more than just a punch in / punch out attitude; I needed to be putting out quality as well as quantity. When things are going smoothly and you feel creative and energetic that can be very gratifying, and a lot of fun, but when you’re not feeling your best or life is just giving you a tough time, it can be hell. Let’s just say I’m glad to currently be on a bit of a vacation from that place. The pressure to make new porn wasn’t terrible, but it was real, and when the cold weather hit I was quite happy to use that as an excuse to take a break. There were other reasons, but chief among them could be the simple fact that there is nothing new to film, and getting naked in front of the camera has kind of become rote. It still feels sexy to do so, mind you, but the pressure attached was something that could be overwhelming at times. We are often our own worst critics, so the last thing I ever want to do is see myself naked so much that I start looking at my body with a too-critical eye. The more I basically filmed the same scenes / moments over and over again the more my eyes began to pick out what was wrong, instead of seeing the entire picture. Sometimes I had trouble getting aroused, but mostly it was just that I wanted to fully relax and enjoy the sexual moments I experienced, even if they were with my own hand. I mean, who wants stress, worry or criticism attached to their libido? Not me. The pressure to write blog posts has dwindled, if for no other reason than the number of readers has also, and I realize every day I am practicing a dying form of communication and entertainment. Writing has almost always been a pure joy for me, but over the last few years a bit of pressure to produce has attached itself to the process. Or maybe the pressure wasn’t to write, it was to report on things that unfortunately weren’t happening in my life; i.e. the “sexy moments”. I know some people appreciate the honesty and diversity of topic I provide but most are just hoping I’ll share some more smutty, slutty moments with them. My life has been pretty devoid of that recently, for many reasons, and as a result the pressure to write about them has only increased. There are times when I almost stooped to making something up, just so there could be sexy words for you folks to read, but my promise to remain bluntly honest prevents it. I’d rather tell you I am not getting laid than lie about it, even if the truth is embarrassing and sad. Recently somebody purchased the privilege of corresponding with me for an entire month, exchanging dirty messages with no content limit. If it was taboo, I was willing to exchange words, photos, videos, etc. just so the customer felt like someone else in the world liked the same things they did. I called it an unlimited fap chat, and at first it went moderately well, but I found the guy I was trading messages with had a very different view of things than I did, and as a result his words weren’t inspiring me at all. After only a week or so of tepid emails I faltered, let my straight job take over, and next thing you know I was fully neglecting the promise I had made; to be uninhibited and enthusiastic. The pressure to write something got to me, and I hate to admit it, but I just gave up. Sent a message that was underwhelming to say the least, and didn’t hear back as a result. I don’t blame the guy, but I have to say the relief I felt at not having to produce for him anymore was glorious. It felt like I was having to come up with lies for the first time, and I hate writing that way. There is no real demand for anything I do anymore. People are not waiting with baited breath for my next porn or blog post. Any pressure I’ve felt has come strictly from within, and it’s been less about demand and more about visibility. The internet is not just an ocean of people like me, it is a Universe, so standing out in the crowd can be extremely difficult. You cannot sell your product if people do not know it exists, so I did my best to take part in things like having a social media presence, even though the act itself brought me very little pleasure. Underlying all of this was the simple pressure to convert effort into profit, and the last few years have not been good to me in that respect either. The decision to hang it all up isn’t final, but I’m making my way there. New goals equate to new pressure(s) that I am excited to take on. It’ll be survival of a very different, more immediate kind, and perhaps I will thrive for the first time in years.  |
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.You know that I have always admired and appreciated your honesty. In that, you were a bright sun in the vast universe of the internet. For me, it wasn't just the sex, the sexual content, or the pictures-it was the way you wrote. Like I could understand you and actually hear yr voice. I'm cheering you on and sincerely hope that you move into thrive. That would be the sexyest thing ever. Best, Beth♡
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