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my shell During these past few weeks back in civilization I have worked very hard to be a more social being. Even if it only meant stopping to give someone a light for their cigarette (and then deciding to just give the guy the lighter) I’ve been trying to break the old habit of staying quiet, moving along quickly, ignoring people as much as possible and so on. When people have tried to converse with me I’ve done my best to engage honestly, and not hurry to get it over with, or just tolerate it while it’s happening. This makes me sound bad, doesn’t it? Well, before I left for my 3 / three months in off grid hell it was far worse than that. At that time I could barely interact with my good friend ChrisSwallows, let alone total strangers. Those months of isolation changed something in me - or I decided to change something within myself. Either way, it’s kind of working. The other day ChrisSwallows asked if I wanted to join him for an afternoon meal and my initial reaction was gratitude, but refusal. The thought of sitting in a restaurant I knew was going to force us to listen to music did not appeal, but after a few moments I relented. My desire to come out of my shell was a bit stronger than anticipated. We went and had a decent enough meal together, and at no point did the experience become unbearable for me or anything, but it hasn’t happened again since. Things like conversing with a bus driver are not foreign to me, but the vast majority of the time I pay my fare and sit down, so when one of them engaged me recently I had to fight the urge to end the conversation. For all I know the woman was hitting on me, because we were talking about bike riding and she was very friendly, but all I felt was like I could be making her job difficult by being a distraction. After I got off I thought of all sorts of things I could have said, but it was too late by then of course. Perhaps I’ll see her again, and gauge the moment then. Mainly I’m just happy to be making a small bit of progress in this area because I’ll never make friends or find a romantic relationship if I am not a bit more outgoing. During a short walk in what is considered downtown Milwaukie, Oregon a woman passing by me on the sidewalk, going in the opposite direction, blurted out that I was a handsome man. It honestly shocked me, and of course I was flattered, but it took me a few extra seconds to react. Thinking about my newfound desire to connect with people I whirled around and called out to her, but my attempt to share a few more words with her failed. She was not in a good place, was how she put it, and I totally respected that. The compliment still made me feel good but it was the fact that I stopped myself and actually tried to connect further with her that I was most excited about. Once again, I have to state how contrary that sort of reaction is to the person I have been for many years now. It’s not a leap or bound but it’s still a step in the right direction and that’s good enough for me. Poking my head out of my shell hasn’t resulted in anything terrible yet!  |
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