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but for what purpose?  The “bigger” questions keep circling in my head, trying to interrupt basic thought functions with their insistent nattering. What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to make enough money to fulfill my bucket list when there is zero stability to be had right now? And if I strive for stability will I ever get to do the things I want to do before I die? The last fucking thing I want is to drop dead on my way to work, or while at work. If that happens, please lie about the way I perished and make up some cool story. That is not how I want to go. Even when I resign myself to joining the rat race, if only for a brief period, things don’t happen for me. There have been lots of applications filled out, and resumes attached, but few replies and even fewer attempts to set up an interview. While I’ve expanded my search the opportunities seem to have shrunk, and I’m not sure if that’s because there are more bodies available during the summer months, when school is out, or what other factors are coming into play. It feels like I get a lot of empty interest from employers that never goes anywhere, and I’m not sure why. The work from home options haven’t panned out yet either. Maybe there is something genuinely lucrative out there, waiting for me to discover it, but my search has not yet unearthed it. Even my friend ChrisSwallows is having a tough time. He has some publishing gig I am eager to assist him with, because I do love to write, but I’m not sure he’s convinced it’s legitimate and not a scam. Perhaps he invested in his future, or maybe he got lied to. Someday he’ll find out, but for now we’re both broke and a bit tired of being so. Which is where questions of how to resolve that come into play, but more importantly, to what end? Are we going to try to make money just to make more money, to pay bills and basically survive, or ??? What is the purpose of earning a wage if you don’t have a plan for it that goes beyond simply being a good citizen consumer? I’ve been asking that question my entire life, and doing my best to exist and function outside of it, which is a gigantic reason why I am in the situation I am in today. This life was not meant to be lived for the sake of retirement, or to only be a truly free, open and fulfilling experience in our twilight years, it was meant to be lived and experienced every moment of every day. That sort of thinking has led me to extreme highs, and equally extreme lows, but it has defined my journey. Living for the moment has no future though, so at 50 / fifty years old I am still unpracticed at planning for a day that for all I know might not come. As a result, I am homeless, jobless, mentally wrecked and filled with regret - but oh what an INCREDIBLE journey it has been! Perhaps the tradeoff doesn’t seem so great now, when things are tough, but I’d be hard pressed to decide which parts of my past to give up for more stability in the present, or in my future. This moment is the thing, even if this moment is a miserable one. None of this answers the questions of what to do next, nor does it even help me to decide. I do not know what the next step is.  |
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