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I am an addict (?) I am no expert on addiction, so please don’t take this seriously. If anything, look at it as a mix of satire and supposition. Ultimately I’m just talking out of my ass. I’ve never been addicted to any hard drugs, or other supremely unhealthy substances. I did a fair amount of drinking when I was young, and there was a small stint of meth use with my wife in the late 90’s, but those were moments of dabbling more than anything else. I do have an addictive personality of sorts, but it happens to revolve around different things, like the collection of books and movies. That’s not really addiction so much as compulsion maybe? Beyond that type of thing, I am addicted to sugar. If I had to cut it out of my diet it would be tough, and I find myself craving it more than I should, even when I have just consumed it. My intake is well under control, but if I could, I’d overindulge every day. Marijuana is also extremely important in my life, and quitting it is definitely not an easy thing to do. My body actually goes through withdrawals, and my mood gets much darker, but I can stop smoking if I need to. Once I do, the cravings for a puff never stop though. Sex is my only true addiction - or at least that’s how I see it. To me, sex is as necessary as food and oxygen, and I spend a good portion of every day finding some way to enjoy a version of it, even if I am only doing so by myself. With gay hookup sites like Sniffies, and glory hole booths right down the street, masturbation is NEVER necessary but I still indulge. What can I say; I make myself feel pretty darn good and it’s completely drama and effort free. To my mind, sex addiction is really just dopamine addiction. I seek sex frequently, in many forms, because when I am not participating in it my dopamine levels are crashing and I’m going through withdrawals. All I want is another rush of euphoria that comes with connecting, touching, penetrating, ejaculating. The problem is that the moment I cum, that rush is gone, replaced with a feeling of emptiness sinking in. There’s no cuddling or any other intimacy afterwards; I cum and go, which leaves me to celebrate all alone. Isn’t that a sad story? The reason I would say that I was addicted is because I spend far too much time trying to hook up, and make some rather iffy decisions sometimes when I do. And while I’m being honest, I admit that “getting lucky” not only gives me a dopamine spike it also just raises my spirits in general. It makes me feel attractive, desirable, worthy, lucky. That’s not to say that I am insecure, because I like who I am, and think I am attractive. I guess it’s like having a few dollars, and knowing you’re financially secure, but still feeling pretty darn good when someone gives you a few more. I don’t place my self worth on the opinion of others but readily admit it can effect me, so I try to make it a positive experience. Does that mean I think I’m addicted to feeling good about myself? I suppose it does. |
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