Blog : plan A and B

159 posts
10/9/2022 2:36 am

plan A and B

Now that I made my statement of purpose, I have to make a plan. In this case, I will be making 2 / two of them. It’s always good to have a plan B. This is not the detailed version, or even a rough draft, just the bare bones basics:

Plan A: move to Southern Oregon on my own land, open an animal rescue / sanctuary, meet a female who is skilled in the health and well-being of animals and live happily ever after together with our brood.

Doesn’t that sound delightful? How I make that happen is another bag of hammers, but here’s what I’ll do if plan A doesn’t work out:

Plan B: move to Southern Oregon on my own land with some animal friends, have 1 / one final good year where I am not miserable, find peace, then be done with it all.

That might sound a bit morbid, or even like a cry for help, but it is in fact the only other future I really want for myself. Sure, I might find I love it all alone in the desert, and perhaps as suggested in a different post having a few of my own pets to care for will be enough to sustain me, but all I really want is 1 / one good year. I feel like I’ve lived long enough, and been miserable during so much of it that if I could get just 1 / one I could die a happy person. Again; it might sound morbid or overly dramatic but it’s just the way I genuinely feel.

Since as early as grade school I can remember telling people I wanted to make it to 50 / fifty years old and then drive off a cliff in a car and kill myself. As the years passed the way I ended my life got more detailed (and more adult-oriented) but that’s the gist. Depression, even during those early years, had a very negative effect on me and my outlook for the future. I’ve spent most of my life trying to escape the way I usually feel during the day in a variety of ways, from sex to drugs, music, movies, suicide. My genuine hope is that moving to Southern Oregon and having the serenity I need will be enough, but I fear loneliness can be the killer that romantics say it is. If animals can fill that void perhaps it’ll be a Hollywood happy ending after all, but if I’m being selfish I don’t care how my story stops, just as long as it does.

I’m definitely not giving up yet - not even close! For now I am concentrating on plan A because it is something I am certain will make life much more satisfying, and worth living. That is my (wider) goal and purpose, stated once again. Now I better get to work on that !!!


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