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Just for me.... I'd been plagued, plagued by illness, nauseous migraine.... by debt anxiety, delusion and despair... by the loss of myself and reality..... suffocating, too tired of life to breathe.... of course it passes.... I'd been attempting to plan a 'meet', a session with a known guy... a guy who I would fuck in a paid for hotel room, who i would send off satisfied and I'd be left with a room, and there's the motivation, a room that maybe You could get to, to find me, curled in the corner of the shower, hair dripping, arms hugging round my knees, flesh chilled as the water has dried.... cleansed, awaiting my atonement.... the cash purified by Your desire.... this was the plan, thwarted by the non-compliance of a 'pup'... I tell You what I'd had hoped for, I want, need.... I say, 'I'm feeling rash', You reply, 'do it'.... so I do, I book a room and that night I can't sleep for my clit is aching, In my mind it's obscenely swollen, yet when I reach down to touch it's as usual, yet it burns, it won't let me rest.... The following morning I'm energised... I pack, plan, we exchange information.... I'm driving, feeling so fucking good, different in some way... morally corrupt, money found for selfish desires, money that made it 'my' hotel room, a room I should be in, giving me a feeling of strength, control, power.... not feelings to be used in any dominant way, just the reverse... I'd be there, in that room, my room, my submission, no performance because I was beholden, just freedom to maybe, just maybe reach that elusive next level... I arrived... check in, so full of confidence... the room is perfect, fucking perfect...... a bath... a double bed, in a narrower end of the room a single bed.... two huge pillars from floor to ceiling, no windows, just vast neutral walls and a skylight hidden way up in a roof tunnel..... I set out the meats, cheese and olives I'd bought, with fruit cake, blood orange juice and of course, Coke.... receiving Your instructions I go to the bar to wait...... A drink bought, table found , in view of the main door so I can check all arrivals...my iPad with me, I read a while 'The Palace of Curiosities'... the bar begins to fill, time passes, I mail and ask if I should wait in the room, 'no' is Your answer, 'stay there a while longer'..... I log onto 'alt' and surrounded by travellers and holiday makers I cyber chat/flirt as I watch the room carefully.... then my instructions arrive... 'Go to the room by 9pm. Leave the Door ajar, lie naked, face down n the bed, understand?'.... my reply? 'Understood'...... I return to the room, high, buzzing... I nibble on some morsels, strip naked, except for a lace choker and my pendant... I decide to lie on the small bed in the corner, not instantly seen, but waiting for You to find me.... I plait my hair and lie so it falls straight down my back, my bruises still showing on my cheeks... I breathe, listen.... every sound magnified.... my imagination making every creak the door opening, every footstep Yours.... and every time I can feel, really feel, an energy, swirling around, dark, ominous yet welcome.. a sense that something was going to take place tonight.... my skin prickling, breath switching from calm to panic and back again... eyes closed falling into complete blackness, eyes open falling into complete whiteness.... the sound of my eyelashes on the pillow as I blink, interfering with my need to listen for You.... I don't sleep, but I realise I'm in a place, a zone, a meditation... beyond myself, free, flying... I'm aware the door is unlocked and as I hear people outside in the corridor I have no concern they might look in, it doesn't matter, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be and that's all that does.... I have music on quietly... it flows over me.... I've no idea of time passing, I'm cold and in my 'space' I consider 'what does cold feel like?' I focus my attention into the cold, I make the tiniest of movements, in fingers, toes, legs, my waist sucking in, cunt clenching, more each neuron firing than an actual muscle moving, I feel it all... Becoming aware that time has passed I move... check my phone, no signal, it's 11pm.... it's possible You are in the bar, maybe with another, maybe alone, it's possible this is my task, my challenge... I think 'I'm crazy, any normal person would just get up and see', but I'm not a normal person and I don't want to be.... eventually other thoughts and concerns seep in... 'are You okay? Do You need picking up?', take over and I dress and go to the lobby for wifi.... I see Your messages.... 'tonight's not going to happen, You're sorry, unavoidable delays obstacles'... I sit there in disbelief... a rage rises, 'I'm done'... a stream of emotions, thoughts follow...... (.........I'd never do this to You, let You book somewhere and not turn up? not only ’not turn up' but give no indication throughout the day that there might be a problem.... You said 'there was a grand plan', I didn't want a fucking 'grand plan', I'd been ready for Us... one word from You and I'd of waited in Brighton, driven to get You, even now I'd come.......You wouldn't do this if I'd been m, or c, tormenting myself with that for a while.... then a devastation, a physical reaction, crushing, the disappointment too much, I think dark thoughts.. I feel them/ it rise, allowing myself to experience, fantasise, enjoy and then bury them quickly.... I laugh at myself, 'this too will pass', nothing matters, no 'One' matters.... I let my thoughts run, I imagine posting my amulet through c's door, so You know I'm done and then I feel a chuckle rise inside me at my own banal, melodramatic act... as I laugh I know I'm okay, that nothing lasts with me, emotions I mean, and I wonder how 'normal' people manage them. I realise I'm free to enjoy them, experience them safely, the negative, the rage, the power, the heartbreak because they are but fleeting........ then.... I'm angry at myself, to of let myself act this way, get in so deep, allow the need, to be rash, careless.... I walk back to the room.... this is a good thing, it's saved me, brought me back.... I'm free to explore..) The room is waiting, my sanctuary now... I take a stolen sleeping pill and curl into the covers... sleep takes me warm, safe, happy...... I wake a few hours later... I fantasise that maybe You are on the way... coming for me, sensing my despair... I realise I don't want to waste any opportunity and get up, dress, return to the lobby.... maybe You could come tomorrow night, all might not be lost... I ask the night staff if the room's available and it is... I book it, just in case..... The rest of the night I spend reading, watching TV rubbish, tossing and turning, at 7am I get up, sit back in the lobby, I do some work.... I get Your mail, You can't do tonight..... I'm flat again... walk back to the room with tear-burning eyes, tears that don't quite escape as I hold them back.... I realise want to cry, but I can't, so I laugh........ I bathe, clear up, dress, recover... leave and go to work... |
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Inexcusable......would never leave you abandoned like that
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A wonderfully described piece of solitude.
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7/25/2021 4:52 pm |
Improvise? Unleash the inner slut in revenge?
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