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The look of total bewilderment.... When in a conversation with a socalled 'd', i explained what SM and D/s- or M/s is about for me.... What the core was, of such a dynamic... Asking him, how he thought about such power dynamic.... How they just skipped the whole explaining from me, and just continue their story about what tool they used for what... And what their favorite tool was.... As if i did not say a thing! As if what i was talking about was just white noise..... Such strange conversations i have had, with those socalled, wannebee dominants... I was alway totally flabbergasted, that those men, really thought, SM is about TOOLS, Nothing more. For the both of us, such 'conversations' were totally unsatisfactory. Some men, yeah, some men, did get an inkling about what i was talking about. And got really very upset, It could not be true, that thát was, what i needed and wanted in such a dynAMIC. Some even told me, i was sick, this could not be true! Who wanted thát!!? I must be sick, to want THAT! That was way tooo much "work"- that is what they called it. " TO MUCH WORK". They were just in for the fun part. nothing more. By their reaction, i could tell, they really did not have any idea about such thing as POWER DYNAMIC, AUTHORITY TRANSFER, negotiation, compatibility, liking each other as persons first. Who, in his right mind, was interested in THÁT?! TO MUCH WORK? When the both of you, agree to want to build such a dynamic, when you start slowly to develop such dynamic They both "work" hard and honest to become such dynamic. It is not "work" it is building trust, and having fun, to get to know each other. To Invest in each other. Totally useless to try to explain, thát, to vanilla sex players/ kinky sex bedroomplayers. I did a whole lot of soulsearching, when i discovered, that this is what i need and want. I did a lot of delving deep into myself. When i found out, that just the bedroom games, was not ever enough for me, also because they all are focussed on the body, on the acts, on DOING sm. On orgasm, or not, or nipple play or ... you name it.... Parttime dominance/ sexual submission/ sexual 'dominance'..... THAT WAS NEVER ABOUT MÉ. Nothing about building a connection, on the human level first. Strange geezers, those wannebee vanilla dominants. To mé, that was all about S E X - "having fun". NOT about SM, or D/s or M/s not about power dynamic. Nothing about the transfer of power/ authority, of self, to that one man. Games...... exchanging bucket/shopping lists and 'working' from that. Today, we are going to do.. so and so. Next time, we take an other item of the wishlist and DO that..... Ego boosting games, nothing more, sexual games/ experiments...... The bewilderment in their eyes.. allways told me, they are not the kind of "wannebee dominants" i need/want. Waste of space and time. And, then corona hit! I was already totally fet up with those men. Every time again. I was glad, i did not have to go through those hiddious 'dates'.... anymore. Always felt totally ackward, never felt relaxed or safe, with those men... Almost ALL, jumped right into the sex talk, never even introduced themselfs, talked about who they are, what they did in life. NEVER. I always refused to talk sex., right from the start. That was the end of my dating wannebees dominants/ sex dominants. Online they talked the talk, in real, they never were able to walk the walk.... Maybe my people picker is broken...... 
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Sounds like their problems, not yours, at least to me. In any case, they weren't willing to talk and discuss _with_ you and you were sure they wouldn't give you what you wanted, so it sounds to me like you made the right choice to move on.
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There is nothing wrong with your people picker! A deep understanding of a true BDSM relationship is hard to find. Play is good but that's not what makes it work.
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Will35, Thank you.
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drmgirl, Thank you, sometimes i really, really doubt myself... Indeed, it is just a part of the whole dynamic.. 
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Don't doubt yourself. We all do everyday whatever we can do. Expecting anything more from you is not productive at all. But one little thought to pounder: According to what you describe you look for someone with a deep personality. Someone who at first may seem a bit shy on the outside. Could it be that you have at times dismissed someone because your instincts told you he is boring? Often the outgoing and take charge people in this world do seem very appealing at first and quickly turn out to be shallow. The authentic people who are both outgoing and with real depth are very seldom in this world.
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sletje, i did some soulsearching, thinking, about what you said.... I dont think so... I mean, all the dates i have had, there was only once, a person with witch i had a real deep conversation with, about the world, the meat industry, the great powers, who dont give a * about distroying our planet, about his yought, about the morals you learn from your parents, who might not be, how you want to life.. and so on.. All the other men, their only conversation "skill", was talk about kinky sexy stuff, From the first moment we did meet, not even an introduction, about who they are, no, right off, jump into the kinky shit.
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