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Sad and a bit frustrated, too My first dominant man, We never had anything more, then just being a acquaitance, someone who helped him, in his shop. Although we could get along very well. Him being what he is, and me being what i am.... I, nor he, had the words for it, then. He having this vanilla girlfriend... jadajada... bleagh. So, he moved to a certain spot in France, because of some micro climate, clean air... etc. I lived my life, did all the wierd, strange, dangerous things, actions i did. learned a lot! ( the bad stuff)  He always stayed in my mind, but i did not know his adress etc. I also was very bissy trying to survive..... Years of searching, finally, i found a man, who knew where he lived. Yeah! So, i finally write him a letter. We are now, sort of having some conversation going on. Some days back, i got this letter. I was soo sad, he sounded soo sad, about how those women did treat him because of his dominant character... he always have to hold himself in, never could show his true nature A vanilla woman, being a therapiste, did make his life really miserable Making him sick of his own character traits... YOU cant hold that in! As i cant hold my submission in, when in certain circumstances, scenario, person.. situation... or when i am tired, or low.... It is very close to the surface.... because it is/ comes natural to me..... Just as a vanilla man, or woman, cant "play act" BEING SUBMISSIVE - or DOMINANT. It hurts me, to 'see' him like that. He just gave up! Saying, i am 79, life is over! It is soo sadden to me! He is soo terrible negative about this wonderfulll character trait.... Negative about HIMSELF Just because some vanilla stuck up bitch, who does not know ONE thing, about BEING dominant, makes him hate himself, for that! Disgusting! Well, at least, he is willing to write with me, and listen to what i have to say... Tell him about my own struggle, to accept this character trait of mine... About not being accepted by my socalled girlfriends, when i finally decided to be open about, how i saw a relationship. I cant remember the times, that i have been called SICK, just because i decided to be honest, with this or that friend.... I dont have many friends, who know this, or, would accept it, if i ever open up, about this.. always hiding a very big part of who i, really am! He went on holiday, again, this time, to Turkey and Georgie... to have a change of scenery. It is like, he is just not able to accept this, as being a good part of who he is.....? So sad.... Struggling his whole life, with this deep inner need to bé the dominant, leader in a relationship and be happy, content with it. Having the right kind of partner. When he and i, worked in his shop, it was always very harmonieus, i did not argue, about what ever.... I just followed his lead...... When his girlfriend was in the shop, she was allways fighting his wishes, his instruction, always undermining his way of handling things... always trying to create doubt... I hated that bitch! hahaha. found her behaviour very disrespectfull. Even without having the words for it, i knew, i fellt this. I have an other letter waiting for him, he was overwhelmed with my last letter, and all i did was hold back! Hold back! Pfffff.... Always hold back!!  I doubt if it is a good idea, to send that letter too....?! Just will wait, till he writes me back again....for now.... i think... |
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My dear friend......it hurts to see him struggle.. for years now, with himself... choosing the wrong kind of woman, as a partner... time and time again....
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I had that kind of struggle in my early twenties. But in reading various books and connecting with like minded folks, i came to realize I was not "sick" as the woman in your post called your friend. I do nothing to harm anyone, physically or emotionally. Not that it did not happen for myself or those i was involved with unintentionally. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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Dd, Thank you, Yes, that was what i always was thinking, when some "friend" told, me i was sick to want "that". How can something, that feels to good, feel so Like mé, could ever bé sick? I never accepted their oppinion. About me. Only much, much later i learned the words, learn how it was called, 'being submissive/ masochistic'... Sure, things happen, unintentionally, we áre humans! As long as both are able to talk about it, so both feel good, after that mistake... kind of thing...
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Sad to say but the story of my life being with the wrong person at the wrong time !!!! Ah well too late now me thinks ????
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lancylad, Aah, that makes me very sad, really very sad.. i always believe there is always a new chance, a possibility to change that.. No matter in what stage you are, in your life... warm hug for you.
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I think we all take chances.....it's just human nature.
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1/31/2022 8:02 am |
I've been a rebel all my life. I can't stand a man whining like a pussy. No one controls me and I don't conform to anyone. When someone asks me what I'm rebelling against. I always say whadda ya got? It's a shame you can't slap your friend and bring him back to reality. I'll have a Harley when I'm 80 and I still won't be taking crap off of people.
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alwaysassertive, I never fit the socalled social code of society, either...... Never learned that. i can mimic pretty good, but that is just role play to me. Most people notice it, and are sort of afraid of me. And, frankly i dont give a shit, about what others think of me. I dont bother their lives, cant care less... i dont do much of social conventions, never learned that, either.. Again, i can pretty good mimic it... boring... Only some of my family members. and some friends. But that is a very small group. Yes, he always was very concern about what "society" would think of.... I never did Afraid to stand out, or take a stand. All very civilised, & suppressing, all concern about how you "should" behave, in this or that situation.... Never chose for himself, and now he finally understands his nature and tells me, i am too old, life is over... Not that i wanted to have a relationship with him. Not anymore, anyway. I just wanted, Yeah, who am i to "want" that for someone else? wanted him, to be accepting of his nature, and be content with it... Brainwashed for life, by his upbringing. his back ground, family ties.... expectations.... Sad! I would love to see you on your Harley when you are 80!
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How many lost souls wander around, next to us, just because of being too weak to face and accept who they really are and live their lives fully breathing.... sad...
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Ex, Yeah, i know.... in this place i live, i know of two other dominants, married to a vanilla, have children, too scared to move! so sad. He lost all his inner strenght /power in that marriage... 
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alwaysasssertive. How does that being a rebel relate to you, being dominant? How do those two parts of you go, work together?
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One thing you should not forget is that he did make those choices for these vanilla partners himself! Why you may ask? My somewhat educated guess is that he never felt fully comfortable with those feelings himself and was subconsciously choosing for a partner wo could fix him with these "bad" desires or at least prevent him from falling prey to them. I hear you say,: But that is tragic! Yes you can view it as that but life is a learning experience no matter how we live it. You, just as we all do in one way or the other, have likely struggled with your own desires at times in the past, but seem to have gotten to some sort of comfort within them. You may at this point feel some self pity that it didn't work out between you two, imagining how great it could have been, and quite likely as sub and woman, how good you could have been for him. But reality would likely have been different, you can't fix someone else, it is even terribly hard to do it for yourself. His doubts and fears of his own desires would not have vanished with another partner and it is questionable if he could have come to terms with himself and accepted them as something genuine and valid. More likely he would have turned on whomever was encouraging him to live these feelings, reflecting his own judgement of these feelings towards that other person. His self-pity now about how life has been treating him, simply proofs that he still hasn't been able to take responsibility for his own decisions. This is not a judgment of this person, we all try to live life and make mistakes along the way and if you want to feel compassion for him that is your good right. But don't make his problems yours, they are definitely not.
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subaline, Thank you! For this great analyses of this/ his situation. I have been thinking all these things too, all these aspects, why he choice what he chooses etc.... If he cant accept his core being, nobody is ever going to make him happy wiith those feelings, needs, no matter what. i knów i was never thát woman for him, otherwise he would have acted accourding... But, even then, he did not have the courage for it... I also know , there are more, like him, struggling with themselfs about these feelings, and staying in their old patern, because that is safe, that is known... I knew, if i stayed in my old situation, there would be two very misserable. i did not want that on my conscience Thank you!  I just cant understand why he cant understand! whahahah! Never mind! 
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