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I never could understand..... How some men (?) "wanted" me, as his submissive, or slave BUt most of those men, did not have one ounce of interest in mé, The daily, how i behave in normal daily life, mé. They did not give a FFF about who I AM... My background, the whole mé.... They just wanted to use a particulair part of me... nothing more, please! I can not cut myself up, in parts, just to suite someone sexual fantasies? I am, a whole entity, i did my very best, to fit all parts of mé, in one person. As if i can dismantle this BEING submissive, from the whole of my personality? From whó i am? From everything, that happened to make mé, mé.. How would that work? It would only "work", if it is only about the sexual grafitication, physical I "do" you, as long, as you 'Do' me, kind of deal The "do me" dominants/ submissives... I was always of the mindset, that if "he" could not 'handle' my vanilla mé, he was for sure, not able to handle my submissive, slave like self... Too much self conciousness? That has always been my mindframe, since i acknowledged my submissive, masochistic, slave like tendencies... needs and wants... I still find it strange, that most men, on here, are only interested in the submissive part and not at all interested in the WHOLE PERSON. How can such a man, take care of his submissive, if he does not knów her? There is a very big responsibility for the man/ dominant in 'taking on' a submissive... I can not compartementalize my life, or myself... Never could understand that. I knów, most men, are very, very skilled in compartemtalize their lifes, emotions. feelings.... even needs? To me that is not a healthy approach of life... But, héy, that is just mé. If you can make every part of you, sort of, in balance..... Face your fears, desires, etc..... mistakes, faults..... Knów... Grow....? Development........? Accept. So, since i never understood that particulair behaviour of "socalled" dominants, almost every conversation always started with a big misunderstanding of what i was talking about and about what his story was.... Right from the start, most of the times... Different goals. different starting points... AND, for sure, i have heard those stories about how a play dom met his play submissive and from that they developt a sort of d/s, Alas, is such a d/s most of the time, totally focessed on the play at it, part. For me, that is no real interaction, there is roleplay sm kinky sex, wthin a certain amount of time, with a certain steps, within their role.... They take on a ROLE...... To me, being. BEING! submissive is what I AM. It has nothing to do, with a role i take on, for a amount of time, to get my fix.. so to say.... There is a huge difference between these two manners of approach...... So far, in every conversation, this is something that occurs in such conversation. They have nó idea, what i am talking about, most of the time.... Most men, are, or so it seem, also are somewhat afraid of this kind of Dynamic, somehow? An other thing is, they always assume this is about MICRO MANAGEMENT, Because that too, is away of play, at least, that is, in my eyes.. As if he, shold controle every move i make, controle every thing i did, all places i have been to.... That is NOT trust. Alot of times, in such a contact, there is almost always the punishment game going on. An other thing, i really cant understand. Out of educational view it is always bad to punish a person.. Why would you wanne punish your most beloved possession? I know, it is also part of the sexual arousal, too. The sexual game... If i trust this man, if i truelly know this man, all of him, like him, as a person, if we build a understanding what a M/s means for us, If we agreed, to have such a dynamic, to start and build such a dynamic, in such way, that i can learn his rules.. why would i not do what we agreed on? To do my part of this dynamic? It is such an subversive act..... Such different ways of approach... |
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I know, there are submissives and ds, who need & want the punishment part. That could have something to do, with feeling guilty and getting a release from being punished.. Or something like that. I know a few submissives, who really do very well on punishment. If they find the d who also diggs punishment? Match made in heaven.. on that part of their contact.
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Myself I believe that you have to meet in " Vanilla Land " to see if you connect, if there is that spark or not ? Then you can move on from there !!!!
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2/5/2022 11:23 am |
Good topic. I think that in many cases neither party lays the groundwork properly. It all boils down to expectation. Without all parties laying everything on the table BEFOREHAND, the groundwork being built already has faults and weaknesses. Doms expect subs to open up and reveal their true inner selves, well, in any relationship that has to go both ways. I think you have to discard the extreme players for the sake of this discussion. In general a sub will go beyond their comfort level to meet that need to please. They are not necessarily being true to themselves. A Dom may want to push a sub, but without having a deep connection already established, boundaries and limits may get run over. Before you know it we’ve entered the Twilight Zone. Emotions and feelings are pulled back in an attempt of self preservation. The Dom thinks they need to push harder. A tiny divide is created and a lack of a much deeper and much needed communication grows. The Dom puts up a front like they don’t make mistakes and are infallible. So, not being true to themselves either. Pretty soon everyone is operating behind some kind of “mask”. Instead of growing together, they are merely filling their role. I agree that the vanilla world must interact with the D/s world. We have to be comfortable with asking “what book are you reading” as well as “that last NO!!! was pretty high pitched, but I didn’t hear any safeword”. The communication has to be there regardless of the situation. I learned that in the lifestyle early on. Without it everyone is left guessing. There can’t be questions that are avoided. Topics left to assumption. We sometimes dive deep down a rabbit hole and have situations where neither party are happy with what they find. Then comes the uncomfortable silence, either during or afterward. Can’t get past it without talking about it. If we do, it’s another crack in the foundation. And in time, it’s only going to get worse. Talk to each other. Be vulnerable with each other. Grow together and build something amazing that will never crumble. Sorry, let me get off this soapbox now… lol
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It is important to take an interest in your partner, whomever they may be. Even in a D/s relationship there is "downtime" when each person has to know and respect the other person.
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2/5/2022 5:50 pm |
So called Doms is right. They used to aggravate me because really the only thing they want is pussy. Slap you on the ass, fuck you doggy style and look for someone else. I find them amusing. Not one has read anything on bdsm. All of their knowledge comes with from a fictional movie they jack off to, or they make things up as they go along. I can understand ignorance, but stupidity is something else all together. Most women are smarter than men, at least the ones on this site are. All you have to do Is look how the men write. I know I've spewed my share of frivolity. It's generally the result of either being a bit playful or displaying a bit of patronizing superiority. Mostly playful. I'm not here to be argumentative or formulate and assess the value of someone. Someone not getting to know you is indicative of their level of interest and respect. If I comment on someones blog it shows that I'm interested in what they have to say and who they are. Sometimes I may only click the like button because everything important has been said and there's nothing more of value I can add except some levity.
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ameenah, Indeed, this counts the other way around too. I want to get to know, the mán, before i get to know the dominant/ sadist/ master... Wanting to know, how he thinks, what his dreams are, whó he is..... Thank you, for your wise words. 
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lancylad, I agree, to a level, that is... Because, well, i think, it should be a mix, a gradual mixing of the vanilla interests, hobby, family, holidays spend, childhood events, with how someone looks at the whole SM in a power dynamic.. Their inner development, NOT kinky fetish porn talk, about what gets you hard/wet, but the mental part of it.. The personal view, values. growth... Because, a M/s RELATION, with SM as their way, is also a mix of the outside world and the inner world.. the wants and needs on the SM level... does that make sense?
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know_yor_place, Thank you. My view is, you, both, have to get to know each other, as PEOPLE first. No kinky talk, but tell about yourself, your background, how you development as a person (with these special needs....) BUT, those 'needs'wants' are for sure, not the main item. It is integrated, or should be integrated within the rest of your life...., Because it is something YOU ARE, - Not something you do, in your spare time, sort of thing...
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no_unlcorn, Thank you! I am soo glad, there are more, like me, thinking this is the best way.. to develop a dynamic/ relation. On the DUtch part of FET, i never met someone, who understood this, they áll told me; to want thát, you must be sick in the head... Nice? isnt it?
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drmgirl, thank you! 
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alwaysassertive, It is in their way of talking tó me, never with me. It is in their narrowminded way of showing who they are.... Putting on a show role play.... personality... Feeling all superiour, but dont have anything to back that up. Inflated egos. When they fall into their own trap, they all get really angry, at mé..? They áll show the same reaction, without any exception... Strange? dont you think?  To me, they are all vanillas, wanting a kinky sex life. They dont know one thing, did not read any informative book, only watched a lot of bad sm porn. Thank the gods, there are some men, on here, who dó understand this. Thank you!
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