My BlogMail
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Posted:Oct 22, 2010 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2011 1:51 am 40037 Views
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After having seen these on numerous other blogs, and thinking what a great idea they are, I finally got off my butt and created one.
As per the usual routine, all comments will be left pending. Set up a mailbox in your blog if you want me to reply 
Cheers!
~ BG
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About the Rule Book (**DISCLAIMER**)
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Posted:Jan 21, 2011 4:52 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2011 4:58 pm 42084 Views
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This little rule book will be a multi-post series, and is intended as a purely satirical commentary on the D/s dynamic as I perceive it.. (It's not meant seriously; it's just some good fun and -- hopefully -- a few laughs.)
** EDITED JAN 23 -- While there are a *few* serious comments worked into the body of each post, much of it comes under the "Just kidding!" category. You can take the post titles at face value if you are curious about my REAL beliefs on the subject... **
Entering this disclaimer as a sticky seemed a lot easier than re-writing it at the top of each post in the series...
(But please note that this sticky will be deleted when the rule book is complete since I will be copying this disclaimer at the top of the concluding post. The sticky is therefore blocked from comments -- however, I value and appreciate your comments on the "rule book posts" themselves.)
So, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, here it is...
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Rule #5: The Submissive's Duty Is To Serve ...
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Posted:Jan 23, 2011 4:20 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2011 1:34 am 43298 Views
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Subbie, your role is to serve your Dom, and to please him in any way you can.
Pleasing a Dom is easy enough to do. Here are a few tips to get you started.
1. Kneeling at his feet makes him feel like a King. (It also puts you in the perfect position to do a little discreet tickling...)
2. Don't be predictable; predictable is boring, and we wouldn't want to bore him now, right? Every once in a while, do something he's not expecting (like, for example, sticking out your tongue when he gives you an order).
3. Cook him a meal. Don't worry if you happen to be so hopeless in the kitchen that you can't boil water without burning it; it's the thought that counts.
4. Make him laugh. Keep him entertained. For example: Use an eyeliner pencil to write the words "Volume" and "Tuning" above your nipples. If he instructs you to "dress up" for a play date, wear a clown costume. Before a date, boil a few lasagna noodles, and present them to him when he says it's time for your lashing.
5. Give him a little TLC when he's having a bad day. Offer him a backrub or a drink. (It's probably not a good idea to hand him a bottle of Midol, however...)
6. Don't make this TOO easy for him. Let him have the thrill of the hunt once in a while. A little game of "Catch me if you can!" will spice things up a bit. Push back occasionally. Remember, when there is no possibility of defeat, there is no thrill of victory either.
7. Practice looking cute. It's amazing what you can get away with if you look adorable enough while you're doing it!
A well-served Dom is a happy Dom... and a happy Dom is good!
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Rule #4: The Dom Has the Authority To Punish ...
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Posted:Jan 23, 2011 12:14 am
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2011 1:33 am 44067 Views
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When a subbie misbehaves, either by breaking rules or disobeying orders, the Dom has both the right and the responsibility to punish the subbie for this.
Good subbies accept their punishments with a humble and contrite heart, in the knowledge that the Dom is looking after their best interests. To that end, the subbie has the responsibility for ensuring that the Dom is aware of what their best interests are.
This means, first of all, that safe words should be used as needed during punishment. For this purpose, good safe words include:
(a) "Ow! That fucking hurts!"
(b) "Don't you dare!"
(c) "Enough, already!"
(d) "Stop it!"
It also means that the subbie needs to inform the Dom when an intended punishment will conflict with their best interests. If a specific punishment would interfere with the subbie's nap time, for example, the subbie should point that out. The same is true of a punishment that conflicts with the subbie's wishes or desires, or a punishment that is just plain yucky.
Good Doms care very much about the well-being of their subbies, but not even the best Dom is a mind-reader. So the subbie is doing her Dom a favor by explaining these things, when it appears he may have forgotten them.
Good subbies also learn from their mistakes, and do not repeat them. There is only one mistake that ever results in punishment: getting caught. When punished, learn from the mistake(s) that led to your being caught, and do your best not to repeat them.
Sulking after a punishment is generally considered to be in poor taste. Don't sulk, subbie: after all, you brought it on yourself. If you hadn't screwed up and let the Dom catch you misbehaving, this wouldn't have happened. Just be more careful next time, and you won't have anything to worry about. 
The Dom will probably want to talk to you about your behavior after the punishment is over. One of the first questions he will probably ask is whether you have learned your lesson. You allow him to maintain the illusion that he controls you by answering "Yes, Sir". (It's not necessary to clarify WHICH lesson you have learned, however...  )
The Dom might also ask if you are going to "do this again." A good, and honest, answer here is "No Sir, I won't". Next time, you'll do it differently, to avoid the mistake of getting caught, right?
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Rule #3 - The Dom Is In Charge....
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Posted:Jan 21, 2011 4:33 am
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2011 10:48 pm 43483 Views
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All subbies, and all Dominants, know that it's the Dom's prerogative to set the rules and make the decisions. The Dom is, after all, the one in charge of the dynamic.
So good subbies find ways to allow their Doms to go right on believing that!  As long as WE know the score, there's no reason to let them find out who's REALLY running the show.
There are three main ways Dom might attempt to establish his authority:
a) issuing direct orders;
b) setting rules; and
c) enforcing discipline.
The third method for establishing authority will be addressed in a future post. Clearly when rules are broken or orders disobeyed, there will be some response on the Dom's part, and allowing him to believe he's in control when he's applying discipline is a topic which presents the subbie with specific challenges.
But since those challenges can be minimized at the subbie's discretion (by doing as he says whenever he happens to be watching), I'm going to address them separately. Those challenges are, after all, optional; the challenges involved in letting your Dom think he's in control when he gives you an order or sets a rule will need to be faced frequently.
The first thing to be aware of when a Dom gives an order is that you must at least APPEAR as if you are permitting it. This can be accomplished simply enough; just lower your eyes and say "Yes Sir" (or "Master", "Lord of the Universe", "Grand Pooh-Bah", "Snookums", or whatever he likes to be called). Never mind the reality at this point; this stage is all about keeping up appearances.
And yes, appearances DO matter. You'll never succeed in fooling him into thinking he is in charge if you defy him outright. So play along with him and pretend that he commands you.
Keeping up appearances also means that you need to do as you're told, at least as long as he happens to be watching you. (What you do when his back is turned is, of course, another matter )
This, however, does not mean that you need to follow any orders or rules he did not give you. For example, if he says "Go stand in the corner" you do need to go to the corner and stand there. But if he did not add "And stay there!" you are within your rights to turn around and come right back. This is not disobedience: it is a logical impossibility to disobey an order which you have not been given.
When he gives you an order, take it literally. You allow him the illusion of control by doing EXACTLY as he says, the more exact the better.
Another key point is to never, ever, ask him for clarification. Loopholes are a subbie's best friend. Never be afraid to use them. In fact, you should make a habit of actively searching for loopholes ("He said I had to do X, but he didn't say anything about Y or Z..." DON'T ASK! If you come out and ask about Y and Z, he might say something -- and then you're stuck.)
Of course, all of this assumes that the Dom is actually present in the same room with you, and is able to observe your behavior. When he's not actually looking, the procedure becomes much simpler. The guideline then becomes "If he didn't see it, it didn't happen."
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Rule #2 - Your Behavior Reflects on Your Dom...
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Posted:Jan 20, 2011 4:07 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2011 12:23 am 43412 Views
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(Edited Jan 20 - the disclaimer has been moved to a sticky post.)
All good little subbies know that their conduct is a direct reflection on their Dom.
So it's important not to let the Dom see it!
I've had a few difficulties with this one ... just a little ... maybe once or twice... on occasion ... ~evil grin~ Even while I was in the military, the rule I followed most stringently was the one that said "Don't get caught!"
Easy enough to accomplish in the military where the odds were that nobody was paying much attention anyway, and unless you were either really really blatant, or really really stupid, you could get away with just about anything.
It's a little more challenging to pull this one off in the context of a D/s relationship where the probability is much higher that the Dom IS paying attention. But a creative subbie can usually find ways around that.
The important thing is to avoid putting your Dom in a position where he feels he needs to prove a point. (I know, I know, that sounds like it would take all the fun out of it... but please bear with me a moment. "Where there's a will....")
A few specific strategies:
1. Never have a brat attack in front of his friends (say, at a dungeon party). You probably don't want to embarrass him in front of his Dom buddies. Save it for when the two of you are alone.
The exception to this, of course, is if he hands you a set-up which is impossible to resist. For example, if he says, "You really are being a smart ass!" then nobody could possibly blame you for retorting, "Well that's better than being a dumb ass!" That's not being a brat -- it's simply a case of cause and effect. He handed you the opening; you took it; no harm, no foul, right?
2. Always avoid an open declaration of war. You need to think in terms of covert ops, not SWAT teams. Saying something along the lines of "My grandmother's arthritic can hit harder than that!" is probably not a very bright idea. Instead, try to look concerned, and ask him if his arm is sore. After all, how could he possibly be angry with you for showing that you care about his well-being?
3. "Either leave him laughing, or leave him wondering what in hell you meant." Tickling his funny bone is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (And it has the added benefit of letting you watch him trying to pull off his Scary Dom Look while he's struggling to keep a straight face -- a Kodak moment if ever there was one!  )
4. While you are obligated to answer all his questions truthfully, you are under no obligation to start answering questions he did not ask. So yes, you do need to admit that you had an accident with the Silly String when he asks how it got all over his vampire gloves. But, there's no need to volunteer the fact that you were holding the Silly String approximately two inches away from the gloves when the accident happened. If he wants to know, he'll ask. Until then, don't worry about it.
5. If all else fails, bat your eyelashes and try to look adorable. 
See? Nothing to it...
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Rule #1 - The Dom Is Always Right....
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Posted:Jan 17, 2011 7:46 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2011 9:18 am 43583 Views
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Just getting over a nasty bout with my health...
It's amazing how, when you're sick, everyone on the planet turns into a doctor: "Oh dear, you don't look well, you should do X" When someone at work says this, I just thank them for their concern and assure them that I'll be fine. But when a Dom is the one saying it...
Well, let's just say that this is apparently where Rule #1 comes into effect....
My initial exposure to Rule #1 came last summer. Casual conversation with a Dom friend led to me confiding a problem I was having. He had some (generally plausible) ideas about how to proceed, which he was kind enough to share with me. I thought them over, and told him he was probably right.
He started laughing. "Of course I'm right! I'm the Dom, it's my JOB to be right!"
At the time, I thought he was kidding  (Silly me....)
So fast-forward a few months, different situation, same Dom. The text conversation went something like this:
Him: You're going to get lots of rest and drink lots of water. That's an order!
Me: Yes sir but I'm drinking milk instead of water.
Him: Not milk - water!
Me: I hate the taste.
Him: So buy some bottled water.
Me: How about Gatorade?
Him: No! I said WATER! No substitutions!
(Now he doesn't mind if I push back a little bit, but there are limits to how far I can go ... and he doesn't believe in funishment.)
Me (deciding I'd pushed far enough): *pout* Yes sir
Him (ignoring the pout): Good girl.
Me: (muttering rebelliously under breath, thankful this is text rather than phone...)
I thought about getting the Gatorade anyway (it's more easily absorbed by the body especially when you're dehydrated) ... but there were four problems with that idea:
1. He would be following up to make sure I did as I was told;
2. I'm a REALLY poor liar;
3. He's too perceptive for my own good; and
4. If he ever found out that I'd not only disobeyed a direct order but also *lied* about it, the spit would REALLY hit the spam!
I got the water.... I may be a brat, but I'm also a firm believer in the principle of "If you don't want to find yourself up to your ass in alligators, then stay the fuck out of the swamp!"
This lifestyle-type stuff is a bit of an adjustment for me, however. I mean, I'm used to running my own life, and after all, I have been making my own decisions for a lot of years. I'm quite capable of making my own choices, thank you So lifestyle play can easily turn into resistance play, and even I'm not entirely sure where the boundary between them is.
But at the same time, in an LDR (even an unofficial LDR) the lifestyle play does help keep the dynamic alive when almost all of our interaction is by phone, text, or email. And he keeps the lifestyle play fairly light (perhaps because we're not "official"). And any lifestyle play he does engage in, the restrictions are always beneficial and (generally!) rational. It's not as if he's making a lot of arbitrary demands.
And there were two things I could be thankful for. First, there are a couple brands of bottled water that really aren't all THAT gross.
And second, thank God I didn't tell him that I also hadn't been eating hardly anything for the whole time I'd been sick!
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Serenades From The Cross...
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Posted:Jan 1, 2011 7:20 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2011 6:40 am 44464 Views
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I was thinking the other day of different songs to serenade a Dom with, while you're tied to the cross... These would be good bratty responses when the Dom checks in with you...
"Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down! Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down..."
"Look at what's happened to me now, I can't believe it myself. Suddenly I'm up on top of the world -- should have been somebody else... Believe it or not, I'm walking on air, I never thought I could feel so free! Flying away on a wing and a prayer, who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me..." (theme from Greatest American Hero)
"You're a real tough cookie with a long history - of breaking little hearts like the one in me. Before I put another notch in my lipstick case -- you better make sure you put me in my place! So hit me with your best shot - come on, hit me with your best shot. Hit me with your best shot -- fire away..." (Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Linda Ronstadt)
"I'm on the top of the world, looking down on creation, and the only explanation I can find - Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around... your love's put me on the top of the world." (Top Of The World by The Carpenters)
"I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that, oh no! The tide is high but I'm holding on. I'm gonna be your Number One." (The Tide is High by Blondie)
"Glory, glory, sexuality! Glory, glory, sexuality! Glory, glory, now we can be free, as the id goes marching on." (Psychotherapy, by Melanie)
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Reflections...
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Posted:Dec 28, 2010 2:24 pm
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2011 3:04 pm 42458 Views
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It's almost year-end and I've been thinking about the changes in my life over the past twelve months.
This time last year, I was still lurking in the shadows, getting my secret, shameful thrills from kinky novels and the occasional downloaded video. I considered myself too old and too frumpy for any man to take a second look at me. I dreamed of meeting a "compatible" partner -- ahh, "To dream ... The Impossible Dream!" -- and I was afraid that this dream may actually come true someday.
I wrote down my fantasies and deleted the files in case someone else saw them. I entertained myself with the help of a trustworthy vibrator, a pair of nipple clamps, and a small whip I'd purchased (cringing in embarrassment!) at a local sex shop. This was my entire toy collection at the time....
Although I wore thongs on a daily basis (hey, they're comfortable!), I owned no sexy lingerie at all. Sometimes I'd fantasize about being made to model sexy and revealing scraps of silk and lace, but when I looked at my body in the mirror I saw only the effect of age. Mother Nature may have been generous to me, but unfortunately I can't say the same for Father Time  Greying hair and wrinkles, drooping boobs that are too small for my wide rib cage, sagging ass, pudgy little belly... OK, maybe I do still have nice legs and a pretty face, but everything in between was a write-off as far as I was concerned.
Every look in the mirror convinced me that the only men who could possibly be interested in me were those rare gems who are actually attracted to non-physical qualities like intelligence, inner strength, and a sense of humour. There are men like that; I've met a few; and unfortunately for me, they were all in serious relationships with other women when I met them. Whatever looks I may have once had were long swept away by the passage of time, and I thought my one shot at finding a partner was to find a man who would want to choose "heads" over "tails".
And then one blistering hot day early last summer, all that changed.
I still don't know what made me take the plunge and google "BDSM". At the time, I was thinking only about finding a chat site, a discussion group, or maybe some blogs.... something I could read, someplace I could lurk, getting my thrills in secret, vibrator poised for action. I certainly wasn't expecting to actually MEET anyone, much less become part of a community and develop friendships with other like-minded people. At some deeply-buried subconscious level, I must have been hoping to find a partner... but at this point I hadn't admitted such a desire to myself.
Alt was one of the first links to pop up on that fateful google search. I checked out the site, decided it looked like a reasonable place to start -- and joined.
I had fun my first few days, creating a profile and looking around. I signed up for a few discussion groups, learned how to use the IM feature (then learned that it is about as reliable as a claustrophobic astronaut, and gave up on it!), visited a few chat rooms, participated in some cyber-sex, checked out profiles, and generally had a pleasant time just exploring, learning about the community. No pictures though -- not at this point. I was scared: first, of being identified; second, of being stalked; and third, of being passed over in favour of the younger and more attractive women.
The first two fears are still very real to me. But the third turned out to be a non-issue, as I learned when I had my first real-time encounter. Anyone can say "You're beautiful" but the words alone don't necessarily mean jack squat. But when someone stares at you with the same expression as a starving man might have when staring at a twelve-course banquet, well, that can't be faked. I uploaded a few (carefully selected and non-recognizable!) photos -- and couldn't believe the response.
To a woman who had spent the last decade watching as men glanced quickly at her before looking around for someone younger and prettier, the effect was intoxicating. I felt like I was 20 again.
I quickly discovered, though, that I actually prefer to be noticed for my mind rather than for my body. As the summer wore on, I realized that (contrary to my initial expectations) I do still have the luxury of being selective, and I started weeding out the emails that said 'You're gorgeous, wanna fuck?' in favour of those that made some comment about the interests and dreams listed in my profile.
I met more people, and played with a few of them. Feeling sexy, I suddenly wanted to look sexy too, and I started investing in provocative lingerie -- and discovered how much I enjoy buying it, dressing up in it, anticipating the look on a man's face when he sees me in it. I began dying my hair and getting facials. I got my first Brazilian. I started wearing makeup again. I got professional manicures and pedicures. I bought more toys -- LOTS more toys.
When I looked in the mirror, I still saw a mature woman (nothing short of extensive plastic surgery will ever change that). But my perspective has changed somewhat. The droopy boobs and sagging ass are still there, but somehow they don't bother me as much as they did before.
My family and friends, people at work, acquaintances, all noticed the change in me, and commented positively on it. My boss teased me about the "new man in my life" and told me that I was "glowing". (I played along, and joked with her about that, but I did have a good giggle over it later... oh if only she knew!)
I began getting more involved in the community too, and discovered the incredible freedom of being myself, no secrets, no hidden shameful side. I developed some wonderful vanilla-type friendships with some terrific people. Here, in the "scene" I don't have to hide this side of myself, because it's a side of me that everyone understands. Everyone here has a "kinky" side -- and when the "abnormal" is universal, it becomes "normal". I wasn't prepared for how completely refreshing that felt. My confidence grew.
And I learned. As I read blogs, postings, and email correspondence with other, more experienced members of the community, many of my initial misconceptions about the scene were revised in favour of a healthier and more life-affirming version. I learned about staying safe, about practical issues in online dating, about red flags and warning signals, and about my own needs and desires.
I have a long way to go. But I will always look at that fateful day last summer as the day my entire life changed.
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Hello, My Name Is SAM
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Posted:Dec 27, 2010 4:30 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2011 2:07 am 41031 Views
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I am SAM. SAM I am. I do not take a Dom's commands.
I do not take them in a chair. I do not take them in the air. I do not take them anywhere.
(My apologies to DrSeuss...)
Seriously, though, I'm not quite THAT bad. In practice I do as I'm told more often than not; and in particular I tend to be on my best behaviour during the first several play sessions with a new partner.
But it's just so much fun to stick out my tongue and say 'Make me!' that I don't think I'd be prepared to give that up.
I know that some people will judge me as a "bad sub" for this. Too bad.... I get off on being a bit of a tease, on testing the boundaries, on being shown who's boss -- and if anyone doesn't like that, well, he's under no obligation to play with me. I make sure all prospective partners know that I can be a feisty little thing; if someone doesn't want 'feisty' then he's free to keep looking.
One person told me once that this tendency means I have "mixed feelings" about being submissive, that if I were truly comfortable with the submissive role, I wouldn't feel compelled to act out.
I can believe that this may be the underlying motive behind some rebellious behaviour -- but it's overstating the case to say that ALL naughty SAM behaviour can be reduced to a hidden reluctance to submit.
Challenging authority is fun, with the right partner. Being shown who's boss is intensely erotic. Being overpowered and forced to comply is a turn-on. Besides, how can I submit to a partner who doesn't have the balls to demand my obedience, to set a rule and make it stick, to force me to acknowledge his dominance? He needs to show me that he is at least as strong as I am, otherwise I will lose respect for him.
To be blunt, I have a hard time submitting to a wimp.
Of course, all this pre-supposes that I've already consented to let him top me. (That should go without saying; however, just because something goes without saying doesn't mean I'll go without saying it.) But given that I've already agreed to submit to someone, a little game of 'Can you top this?' adds some spice to the dynamic and keeps things from getting boring.
I'm curious, though: what do the rest of you think?
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