the clean version
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Posted:Sep 6, 2022 8:16 am
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2022 10:15 am 2529 Views
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Since my pocketbook is most definitely stressing, I will be going back to posting things for sale on Facebook. This means I will have to clean up my act and be respectable and presentable for a while. In other words, I’ll have to watch what I post.
My presence on Facebook, at the moment, is purely promotional. If I write a post that goes on my Wordpress blog “Corpus Delicious” then I put the link to that on my Facebook page, and that’s it. I no longer respond to other posts, nor do I put up anything that might be considered social commentary, controversial, current, etc. Social media is a vile thing and I have always shied away from it, before I even knew that to be the truth. Now that I do know how bad it can be I am interested in spending as little time involved in it as possible. Call it a neighborhood I avoid walking through, but when it is necessary I stop by and then get the fuck out.
Nobody responds to my Facebook posts anymore because, as I mentioned above, the only thing I put up are links to my Wordpress blog. I’m not voicing opinions for people to get upset about, or spouting nonsense that weirdos miraculously agree with. There might be things to respond to in my blog posts, but again they are located on a different site which means clicking over, which means you’d be leaving Facebook for a moment. Plus it requires actual reading, which many people just don’t want to do anymore. If they can’t watch it performed or hear it read to them they are not interested. Fair enough; I appeal to the Facebook crowd less and less every day. No great loss, except perhaps in revenue from video sales. That is, and remains, an unknown.
So if you are reading any future posts and you happen to be offended, or think something I’ve written seem kinds of edgy or rude, better believe you aren’t reading it on Facebook. On that site, for the next few weeks, I will appear to be a very normal, respectable fellow just selling some of his personal belongings to make ends meet. Which is, no matter which angle you look at it from, exactly what I am.
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flirting or just friendly?
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Posted:Sep 4, 2022 2:26 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2948 Views
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Growing up, I had no clue if a girl liked me. In fact, I didn’t learn I was clueless until someone who had a crush on me brought it to my attention. I’d been giving her rides to school and she’d been sitting in the front seat apparently sending signals I wasn’t getting, dressing in ways I should have noticed, and so on. It was embarrassing for sure, but also enlightening. Of course I didn’t know it at the time, but that was a symptom, or consequence if you will, of my Aspergers. I wasn’t aware that if a person liked me they had to pretty much say it aloud or I’d be oblivious. Or at the very least mildly suspicious.
Knowing I am this way has helped me a few times, but for the most part I’ve remained uncertain my entire adult life. Is that woman flirting with me or just being friendly? I knew that supposedly when a female touched you while talking to you, or even just passing by, that signaled some level of interest. Then I started going to strip clubs and found that just about everyone that worked there seemed to know this as well. All the strippers liked me! Just kidding. It might have further confused me, but I’m no idiot. I communicate well, and I feel like I am a decent judge of character. Overall it has seemed to work out, but there are times when I am sure I’ve missed opportunities because I was uncertain, and too worried to just find out.
This is coming up right now because I feel like I shared a moment with someone recently, but remain uncertain. Was the lady at the marijuana dispensary simply being friendly, or did her body language suggest something more? Short of touching me she did lean forward while we were chatting after our transaction, and she did follow me to the door instead of remaining behind the counter, but that’s not much to go on unless you’re like me and feel like you’ve been missing what are apparently obvious signals your entire life. Our conversation was very easy, and the smile on her face was bright and genuine, but perhaps she is just that way with everyone. She asked if I’d met a new employee, and though it seemed to be conversational on one hand I wondered inside what the purpose of the query was. Did she have a reason for asking or was she just being random? I didn’t ask, just told her I didn’t think I’d met the new guy. I probably should inquired, but I was too busy being awed by her beauty. It’s been a while since I kind of felt that instant animal attraction and I admit it disoriented me a bit. Before I left I asked her if she had grown up embarrassed or angry about the freckles on her face, and snuck in a compliment at the end, but either she didn’t notice or decided to ignore it. So I remain unsure; was she being friendly or flirting?
It’s not so much the fear of rejection that stops me from asking her out, it’s the knowledge that were I to do so I’d have to allow her into my life, which is pretty much a mess right now. Trying to explain my current situation to someone I hope to be romantic and sexual with does not appeal. Besides, the only thing I have to offer anyone of the opposite sex is my broken self. I have no money, no bright future ahead, a car that doesn’t work, nothing like that. I am not a handsome man, and currently wouldn’t say I was strong either, so that just leaves my personality. If you’ve read enough of my blog you know I try to be a good person, but mentally speaking I can be a bit bonkers, especially with the misophonia issues. As my mother might say; I’m not great prize. So I will wait and see if she is working again when I next go to purchase some more marijuana, and I will watch the way she acts a bit more closely, and likely still walk away with no less certainty than I have now.
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workspace
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Posted:Sep 2, 2022 2:34 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2452 Views
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Usually I shut down all programs when I close my laptop. That way, when I open it again later the only thing it has to do is wake up. Occasionally I get in a rush to finish a project, or just have an absentminded moment and will simply close it. Thankfully I don't have visitors, or take my computer to many public places, otherwise I might accidentally reveal something potentially embarrassing, or at the very least shocking to your average Joe or Jane. You know, something like this:
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preconceived notions
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Posted:Sep 1, 2022 1:28 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 3137 Views
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Despite the fact that the world has gone hysterically p.c. (politically correct) I find some people still hold the most fundamentally flawed preconceived notions. The idea that a man or woman wearing clothing not traditionally made for their gender is homosexual should now be considered silly and outdated. Plenty of men who identify as heterosexual have donned a skirt, pair of panties, or even worn stockings and a garter. We all ought to realize by now that the lines between straight and gay aren’t just blurred, they are so numerous as to be other-dimensional. Gender can now be fluid, and if you want to make up a pronoun to call yourself you can expect wide acceptance of that in certain corners. But there are still those who are not going with the flow, who seem to be incapable of “getting with the times”.
I’ve been changing my profile on the gay hookup site Sniffies pretty regularly now, mainly because I’m bored with the social experiment I have been fooling around with. The same people pop up in the same areas of the city day after day, and for the most part the things they are into aren’t that interesting anymore. At first I was fascinated by the glut, then appalled by the recklessness, but now I’m just left hoping for some rare treat to emerge and dazzle me. That is why on Monday you might find me with a picture of my cock posted, inquiring about slaves, but by Thursday it’s my ass showing and I’m asking for someone to break me in real soft and gentle. The responses have become predictable, or predictably absent when I say I’m seeking a certain thing. The preponderance of bottoms on the site looking for dick has been observed by many a frustrated Top, and I concur with the notion that there are more holes than cocks in and around Portland.
Which leads me to a recent interaction with a fellow who had posted a photo of himself in panties. It was a full blown cross dressing moment he was sharing, illustrating that he was bottom and a sissy. When I sent him a message I had a photo of my ass as my profile picture, and in the body of my “about me” section I stated I was seeking a certain kind of man to take my anal virginity. Let me assure you, I’ve been fucked before, so this was not literally going to happen. There was no harm in seeking the kind of soul that might take it slow and easy on a first-timer though, so I kept my mind open and communicated with anyone that sent a message of interest. Again; I never made plans I didn’t intend to keep, or misled anyone about anything, we just traded messages and perhaps photos. The conversations were more exploratory than anything else.
The photo this man had posted of himself, wearing panties, was quite attractive so I sent him a message. His immediate reply was that he did not have any interest in a fellow sissy. Now the picture of my ass did not include any feminine garments, nor was my photo particularly femme in nature, but it did mention in my “about me” section that I could cross dress, just that I was not passable. This guy obviously had me pegged as “just like him” and was clearly not into getting fucked by himself. I sent a message back, explaining that just because I occasionally put on panties or donned a dress didn’t make me in any way, shape or form a fellow sissy he blocked me from any further communication. What do you do with that except throw up your hands in frustration and then move on?
There is a term I’ve never used; verse or versatile. To me that means you’re just as likely to take it in the ass as you are to give it. You’re versatile, and not stuck in one frame of mind. It’s always been strange for me to see a man with a gorgeous body and huge cock in a submissive position or role, so I do understand preconceived notions, and I’m just as guilty of holding onto some antiquated ones as other people are, even at this time in history. Everyone and everything is supposed to be acceptable and accepted, but that doesn’t mean we can just instantly cleanse our prejudices from our souls. It takes time, and for some of us it never really happens. I have had to work hard at this, and admit I still fail during certain circumstances, but at least I am trying. Navigating gender and sexuality right now might be difficult or even silly for some, but you either have to go along or be pushed to the side, maybe even buried. Clinging to your preconceived notions won’t help.
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the race is on
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Posted:Aug 30, 2022 11:21 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2875 Views
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There’s no denying I’ve made some great progress lately with physical therapy and rehabilitation. Though I don’t technically need any assistance to walk anymore, it’s still a good thing to have on occasion, especially for the longer distances. I’m getting stronger but not there yet. Trying to walk down to the mailbox without a cane or crutch is still something I have yet to do, but it’s coming.
Meanwhile, I’ve been looking frantically for a job because I am beyond broke, but now that the prospect of actually getting one seems to be looming I realize I am not quite ready yet. If I were to get a driving position that was strictly operating the motor vehicle I’d be fine, but that job just isn’t available. What I do see are a lot of delivery positions, which might be fine, except we’re talking over 200 / two hundred stops a day, and sometimes with the need to lug 50 / fifty pounds or more. That is something I have to admit I simply could not do, especially for 10 / ten hours. And since no other type of job seems to fit me, that’s kind of where I am stuck; looking at positions I might qualify for, were it not for the fact that I’m still disabled.
I have changed my diet to reflect my current needs, and have doubled my rehab activities by adding yard work, walking and bicycle riding to the program. I get a minimum of 9 / nine hours rest every day. If I am going to get stronger, quicker, this is the right track. Will it be good enough, fast enough?
I have also changed my job search to reflect my desperate need for some cash, and as a result did start to get responses, and phone interviews. That’s when I realized I was going to be asked to do some things I simply couldn’t do. There was a brief, alternate search for other types of jobs but it was pointless. I don’t want to get caught in a place that will literally drive me crazy but I also don’t want to wind up penniless. This is a conundrum I am most familiar with.
So which will win: my need for a job, or my need for a bit more time to heal, and grow stronger? The race is on!
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the bad with the good
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Posted:Aug 28, 2022 8:37 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2995 Views
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BAD:
My car completely stalled out 6 times in one day. When trying to diagnose the issue I learned the computer is malfunctioning and won’t communicate with the diagnostic device. It is going to have to be sold.
That’s probably a good thing because I won’t be able to pay my car insurance this month. Going to have to cancel it until I can afford to purchase a truck.
There is less than 3 / three dollars in my bank account.
This week I will be smoking the last of my marijuana. That’s going to be tough.
I am quickly running out of; toilet paper, lotion, paper towels, sponges, the aforementioned marijuana.
GOOD:
It’s better to end things on a positive note.
I finally got 2 / two phone interviews for jobs, but it turns out I don’t qualify. That’s something I was expecting and know I need to get used to. It always goes this way. The point is; I got a couple of interviews, and that’s progress.
I can officially walk without assistance, and will now begin working on correcting the limp / wobble.
I have been consistently fasting for 18 / eighteen hours every day and eating the same healthy diet.
I do my rehabilitation exercises 5 / five days a week and have also begun riding my bicycle again. Since the car is caput I might be using it to get to the grocery stores, and work if I can find a job.
Through sheer persistence I have managed to whittle down my food budget to $400 / four hundred dollars a month. This process has taken many months but I believe I can live comfortably and remain healthy eating this way.
I began filming crossdressing videos again and have been filming some kind of adult content nearly every day, sometimes getting 3 / three scenes in a single afternoon.
Normally I would just post this and be off to the next thing, but while reading over it I noticed something. The BAD is predominantly about one thing (finances aka money) while the GOOD is spread out a bit more. It’s funny how the bad can outweigh the good if you’re not careful. Those financial woes weigh heavy sometimes. No amount of progress on my hip or consistency in my diet can outshine that gloomy reality. That GOOD list does keep me from disappearing into the darkness though. I learned long ago to count my blessings and take the bad with the good
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sex with doll?
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Posted:Aug 25, 2022 7:47 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 3043 Views
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Sometimes a rare treat does appear on the gay hookup site Sniffies, and I actually consider meeting up and having a good time. Unique fish in a sea of the same are sometimes worth getting to know. At other times they can be tedious, or even dangerous. It’s been fun exploring, knowing no matter what happens that I am not losing out on an opportunity of a lifetime, just on something potentially entertaining. I can settle for that.
Recently I ran into a guy who advertises that he has a life-size sex doll available for use. Of course he wants to be involved in some limited fashion, but it’s the offering of this toy that attracted me. We began to exchange messages and I immediately found I believed him. It didn’t seem like we were trading messages for any other reason except to gain information about each other, and see if we were compatible. At first he invited me to simply fuck his doll, but soon he was admitting he wanted to join with me and fuck it at the same time. Then he was sending me photos of himself dressed in panties and a bra, and offering to deep throat me. When I revealed I also cross dress he suggested we both do so and fuck the sex toy together - plus all the other stuff we’d been talking about. To be honest with you, it actually sounded like a pretty good time to me.
Through all the years working in adult shops I had the chance to try out many of the masturbation sleeves and toys on the market. I know what the cheap ones feel like, but I’m also aware of how realistic and pleasurable the higher-quality ones can be. Of all the toys I owned or tried out, the larger sex dolls eluded my curious cock. So my curiosity about how good it would feel is reason enough to go through with it, but the thought of being able to cross dress while doing so appeals more than I ever thought it would. To date, I’ve only shared that act of putting on clothes made for women with 1 / one other person, and it was not another guy so this would be a new experience in that regard as well.
If I had gone through with it, I almost certainly would have asked the guy to film me having a good time with the sex doll. That footage has the potential to be amazing, but the likelihood of it happening has now pretty much vanished, because my car is no longer working. To fuck this guy, or his sex doll, I’d have to travel about 8 / eight miles, and even when my vehicle was in perfect working order I find traveling that distance for a bit of sexy fun difficult to justify. I realize it’s not just a blow job or something, and there is a bit more being offered / at stake but not enough to warrant breaking down on the way there, or the way back. Again; I’m not looking for love, or anything for that matter, so losing out on this opportunity is a slight bummer at best. An intriguing scenario I may never get the opportunity to experience again, but no great loss if that is the case.
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now I'm asking for it
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Posted:Aug 24, 2022 5:08 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2817 Views
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Throughout the years, when I have traded messages with people, I’ve almost always had the sense that I was being lied to. So many have wasted my time because they were insincere, or flat out deceived me to get something from me, that I became suspicious of everybody. This led me to be curt and stand offish. My habit was to tell people to get to the point, probably quicker than would be considered tactful. It’s not like my attitude was / is unfounded, it’s just that it probably wasn’t as necessary as I thought. One of my biggest things was not providing free masturbation fodder for people who weren’t honestly, openly seeking it. If you couldn’t come straight out and tell me that all you were going to do was masturbate to the messages we were exchanging then you were lying scum, and didn’t deserve a moment of my time. Kind of caustic, don’t you think? Try spending over 2 / two decades with people telling you all manner of non-truths and you might understand why I am this way.
I preach to my friends that change is good, and maybe it’ll all be for nothing, but I’ve decided to start providing masturbation fodder for a fee. Whether it’s a certain number of messages, or unlimited access to my perverted brain for an entire month, I hope to have something for everyone to enjoy. My plan is to either ask what the customer wants to read, then provide it, or participate in uninhibited conversations via email and text. No subject will be taboo and I have enough varied life experience to bring to the discussion that I think I will do quite well. I am actually very excited about this, because the truth is I love to turn people on, and get them off, and feel I can do a decent enough job via the written word. My mind is truly filthy, and I do not get offended easily, so it should be loads of fun for everyone involved. Frankly, I miss writing sexy stuff, so it would be nice to exercise that section of my brain again. My personal life has had very few instances worth blogging about recently, so a good substitute could be producing things for people to jerk off to. For once, I’m excited about providing masturbation fodder - that’s quite a change for me.
The point isn’t so much to make money, as it is to not feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Honestly, the prices reflect that; it’s only 2 / two bucks for 40 / forty messages and 4 / four bucks for unlimited messages for an entire month. That means instead of people having to fool me into talking about the things they want to talk about, they can be upfront and honest, and as a result the entire experience will be better. No lies necessary. No dancing around the subject or worrying I’ll just disappear when it’s finally broached. Nobody is going to say something that upsets me, or ask for something I don’t want to provide. A couple bucks is a small price to pay for that.
So what do you say; want to trade dirty messages or read some filth?
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food and weed
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Posted:Aug 22, 2022 11:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2022 5:07 am 2349 Views
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Food and marijuana; that’s all I spend what little money I have on. I am lucky and grateful my amazingly generous sex slave ChrisSwallows helps out with things like gas or I’d have run out of that long ago. There isn’t a single extra dollar in my possession - nothing close to expendable cash. I’m at the point where I’m eyeing the kombucha bottles I normally recycle, for their 10 / ten cent refund we in Oregon get if we return them to a store. Glancing through what few personal items remain, I can’t see anything of substantial value that I could put up for sale, and the things I had previously posted were not selling. I’ll repost, and try to add some other stuff, but this is what dire straits looks like.
Sales were good for a short period of time, but nothing consistent to get me the kind of money I need to survive. It’s looks like the inevitable has finally come to roost, and I will have to get a regular job. I know I’m always lamenting that fact, but this time there’s simply no avoiding it. I have to return to a grind. With my mental and physical disabilities, it’s going to be tough, but when you add that I am an ex-felon and haven’t had any of these shots or vaccinations that everyone else has, you start to get the bigger picture. And it’s an ugly one.
So far my search online has not been fruitful, and my attempt to get assistance from local vocational rehabilitation was successful, just pointless so far. Any chance of a decision on a disability claim is months away, and in the meantime my absolute desperation for a paycheck is probably going to land me a job that will disqualify me for it. In other words; if I can work, I’m not disabled, which I suppose is the truth. It’s complicated because I’m complicated, but the bottom line is that I haven’t held a traditional job for nearly 4 / four years. But I have no choice right now, so back into the fray I go.
Right before I got seriously injured, I was doing pretty well with sales, and part of that was visibility and popularity. Disappearing, and then being gone for over 2 / two months really disrupted that in a big way. I am back to filming and posting on a regular basis, but the damage is already done, and it is going to be a struggle to regain my status. I will try to find a job driving, which should hopefully pay well, and if I can continue to muster the energy to maintain the adult side of things maybe I can be back where I was before by the end of this year. Just in time to pack everything up and start anew in Southern Oregon.
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looking?
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Posted:Aug 21, 2022 12:18 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 7:26 am 2472 Views
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Please allow me a sarcastic, mildly caustic moment. Indulge me, if you will. Or tolerate me at least.
There are some pretty lazy, idiotic people on the hookup site Sniffies, a place where I have been undertaking a social experiment of sorts. Among the laziest introductory lines I’ve received, “Hey” and “What’s up” are top of the list, with a simple “?” being numero 1 / one. Those might be genius compared to the more recent (and repeated) sightings of “Looking?”. Maybe I’m the moron, but isn’t it safe to assume I am on a hookup site looking for someone to hook up with? I’ve replied sarcastically to more than a few of those.
I started to get irritated with dudes who only send a photo, and no words at all, but it gets worse when you click over to their profile and it has no information about the person there either. The dude could be tall or short, young or old, Top or bottom - you get the point. Finding all that out via conversation is way too much effort for me, and for most on the site. People who only want to chat are usually honest about it, but there are those who would string you along under false pretenses, just to get some free (and unsuspecting) masturbation fodder. I’m awfully weary of things like that which means I am curt, which means I drive a lot of people away. That’s okay, I’m not hooking up, just observing.
I guess technically that means I am not looking, am I? I mean, the intention is not really there to meet someone, but I’m not giving a single person false hope. If there is a conversation going on it is mutually beneficial and more than likely reached a completely different, less superficial level. People who started out with a simple inquiry (or responded to one of mine) kept communicating with me long enough for it to turn into something more genuine. You know; a “real” conversation. That being said, I have the freedom to hook up if I want to, just not much desire or intent. So perhaps those who question whether or not I am “looking” aren’t lazy or idiotic after all. Perhaps I’m the impatient dope in this scenario. Sheesh, maybe I shouldn’t post this and make myself look bad…
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