deep in the rut
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Posted:Mar 21, 2024 11:09 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 835 Views
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While it is true I have a decent routine going, it seems fair to say it’s getting me nowhere. I’m not wasting my days and nights by simply existing and surviving - by literally doing nothing - but the things I make certain to accomplish every single day are just another version or level of survival. I exist to do what I did today, tomorrow, but there’s no sign it’s going to get any better, that my life is going to get any fuller or more rewarding. Whatever’s happening seems to point towards things getting worse before they get better.
Maybe I’ve said this before, but I know that doing the same thing while expecting different results is the definition of insanity. My problem is that no matter how creative I get, no matter how far out of the box I think or act, the options available to me simply aren’t acceptable. It’s not that I’m above certain kinds of work, and in fact desperation may find me more willing than I am now, but I place too much value on myself to allow others to take advantage. That sort of stubborn attitude is partially why I am in the situation I find myself in today, so changing it would make sense, but I’m not yet prepared to do so. If I’m to take a job for the lowest possible wage, I need to feel there is some other value, perk or advantage in the position to make up for it. It’s a fine line I am walking, and soon I may have no choice but to choose another way to tread.
My mental health is always at the forefront of my concerns and decision making. You might not understand this, but living the life of a homeless person might actually be better for my brain than the typical grind that most of you seem to handle with nothing more than an occasional grumpy attitude. For me, holding most jobs would be the equivalent of putting myself through mental torture 5 / five days a week. It would be like sending a person with broken arms, who couldn’t lift 10 / ten pounds without experiencing pain, to lug 20 / twenty pounds boxes around for a full shift. The only difference is that the pain is in my brain, which most people still can’t seem to understand or empathize with. Mental disabilities aren’t visible like physical ones, so while a person with a healing leg limps along, it’s tougher to catch it when a broken brain misses a step. And when it does, it’s not just a limp, it’s often the equivalent of a stumble and fall.
I’ll keep trying to move forward, with the belief that eventually something will work out slowly dissipating, to be replaced with doubt…
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what is wrong with US?
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Posted:Mar 20, 2024 10:59 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 932 Views
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There is a man on the hookup site I belong to that says he is visiting from out of town. He posts regularly - so much so that it seems quite desperate - and his attitude typically seems to be one of disappointment. Why is nobody having sex with him? What is wrong with gay men in Oregon? That sort of stuff. He then ends his posts / ads by telling us that he is in his car at a public park, drinking his own urine. The man is correct; what is wrong with us that we don’t want to hook up with him?
We all have our likes and dislikes, and I don’t usually knock what others desire even if I am repulsed by it. I might be averse to fecal play but have no problem calling out someone who is talking shit. There is nothing wrong with Oregon, or present in this state that is not present in others. You can get rejected just as easily in California, Texas, New Jersey, Wyoming. Even people who have lived in Oregon their entire lives express frustration, but they don’t blame things on the city they live in. People are unreliable and dishonest everywhere, not just in Portland, Salem, or wherever. It could be that getting rejected has less to do with the place and more to do with the person, but telling that to someone while they’re trying to chug their own piss is probably a futile endeavor.
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sluts from my past
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Posted:Mar 19, 2024 1:29 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 932 Views
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A few nights ago I am fairly certain I ran into a woman that I knew during a rough period of my past. I was living in a hotel, working at a porn shop, and dabbling in a little bit of everything that came my way. Whether it was drugs or sex, I was willing to give it a try. This led to me smoking cocaine in a video booth while a man expertly sucked my cock. When I later commended him on his skills he told me he’d learned from a that was currently working the area near my hotel. You can probably guess where this is going, but let me just say that her skills were out of this world. At some point I would actually hire her to give a friend of mine a goodbye blowjob because he was moving away.
I will never know if the woman I saw in the library was the same from decades past, because I couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject without being awkward about it. And ultimately, what would be the point of finding out if it was indeed her - did I plan on reminiscing with her about what would likely be a pretty terrible time in her life? Was I going to be a total piece of garbage and see if I could get some oral sex from her? So I glanced at her more than a few times, but kept my mouth shut. She had very distinct, memorable facial features and stature, so I’m fairly certain it was who I think it was.
Nearly a week earlier, and during the day, I thought I caught sight of a very different slut from my past. This was a woman I treated as my , and she had a very unique way of dressing as a result. She was in her early 20s / twenties but would wear things a preteen might. Sometimes her attire was even “younger” which delighted me to no end. We were proud perverts! In addition to the way she dressed was the way she moved, which I think is what initially caught my eye. There was something innocent in her gait; I don’t know how else to describe it. This person I saw was the same size and dimensions, had a similar style of dress, and even walked the same. It was tough not to drop everything I was doing and go chase after her, just to see if I was correct.
There aren’t that many memorable sluts from my past, mainly because when I found someone to love I really tried to make it work. My relationships were intense, sex-filled, and lasted for a while. Running into an ex has never even been a consideration, yet it’s happened once before. I legitimately ran into someone I’d been in love with for many years, at a department store, and we actually tried to see about at least rekindling a friendship but it didn’t work out. Rare are the instances I run into anyone from my past, if I’m being honest, so potentially running into 2 / two in a very short time is a nice coincidence, but both of them being females seems slightly significant. Maybe being visited by sluts from the past means there is going to be a visit from a slut of the future!
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but make it sexy
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Posted:Mar 18, 2024 10:45 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 1116 Views
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I run into a lot of personalities and fetishes on the hookup site I belong to. We’re talking everything from so new they’re nervous, to so perverted they have nearly no limits. Personally, I find the wide range fascinating, and generally fun to interact with. Some of the newbies can be annoying with how nervous and indecisive they are, and some of the freaks can be a little too “out there” for even me, but for the most part it’s a fun bunch of horny guys.
When it comes to the extreme end of the spectrum, I’ve found men who were more into humiliation and degradation than any of the typical BDSM play. They want to be emotionally struck, but not physically. There’s an awful lot of bodily fluids and other stuff being ingested, which doesn’t really turn me on, and fists come into the equation for insertion, not punishment. There’s an abundance of submissives and bottoms, and a deficit when it comes to the Dom / Top side of things. That’s so completely opposite of the “straight” world, where there are dicks aplenty, waiting to plunge, but their objects of desire are few, and you have to fight for them. Men on the hookup site who are giving pleasure in the traditional way are not generally picky - in fact, they seem quite desperate because of said dick deficiency. For someone like me, who doesn’t discern, it’s like taking aim at those fabled fish in the barrel.
One guy with some extreme desires like forced play, slapping, choking, etc. regaled me with very graphic details about how horribly he’d like to be treated, with most of it actually revolving around pain. For a sadist like myself, what he described did indeed sound brutal, but beautiful, and I could understand how he might have trouble finding men on the site to treat him the way he wanted to be treated. I think he would have been an immensely enjoyable toy to abuse, but alas he disappeared from the site like so many do. Before he did, he sent me a final message that made me grin though. He told that he was absolutely serious, wanted to cede control and be treated like property, but did not want it to feel like punishment. He basically said he wanted to be mistreated, but asked that I please make it sexy. I took this to mean slap with passion, not anger, that sort of thing. I’ll likely never know, because it’s likely I’ll never hear from him again.
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Sunday shower and suck
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Posted:Mar 17, 2024 1:05 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 858 Views
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My fabulous fwb has extended an invitation to use his shower when I need it (and when he’s home) but so far I’ve only taken advantage twice. I worry that I will ask too often, and it’ll feel like I’m taking advantage, so I try to be smart about it. He’s a kind enough man that I’m sure he’d have me over to his place at least once a week, just to see me naked and get a chance to play together. The feeling is mutual; when I ask if I can stop by to shower and get my cock sucked his enthusiastic reply invariably makes my cock hard. Just the thought of his attention gets me very excited.
The distance I have to drive is another hinderance to making this a more regular occurrence. It’s not a ton of miles, but when you have zero income and drive a vehicle you’re suspicious will break down on you at any moment, even a couple miles is fraught with peril. Of course I live in a van, so technically I could park my ass right down the street from my fwb if I wanted to, but I have a routine and system going where I am now, and that won’t likely change until I get a job. That’s when I’ll make a decision on whether or not I move to a new area. And when that happens, I won’t need to beg for the use of a shower, I’ll get a monthly membership at a gym and use theirs. As much as I appreciate the generous nature of my friend (his shower AND his mouth) I am a pretty independent soul.
Until I get a job though, I’ll be happy to ask my friends for help, especially when they not only offer a place to clean up but also a hole to unload in. You really can’t beat that kind of “help” at all…
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unintentionally abstinent
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Posted:Mar 16, 2024 4:13 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 672 Views
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With the act / job of performing gay massage behind me, the freedom to sow my proverbial wild oats has brought me great joy and relief. When my cock comes out (of my pants) and likely winds up going back into a mouth or alternate orifice, it is a completely selfish act. I don’t have to worry that an orgasm might mean difficulty getting aroused if a should book a massage later, so I dump my loads with wild abandon. Or rather, I would be if I weren’t still sort of remaining abstinent.
This is not something I’m doing intentionally. That is to say; I have not decided to deny myself anything, I’ve just been rather picky lately. Concerns about sexually transmitted diseases aside, I think I’m going through a bit of a phase where I want the interactions I have to be “worth it”. Considering I am usually parked within a mile of an adult shop, and could drive there at any time and receive stellar oral sex through a glory hole, it’s worth noting that I have been going a week without doing anything. No oral, anal, masturbation, etc. Sometimes the mood is strong, and I will look on the hookup site I belong to, but the offerings are never quite good enough, or if they are worthwhile they’re too far away, or they don’t follow through when I decide to give them a chance. I get burned out with fakes and flakes very quickly, and obviously desire a bit of a challenge if I’m not just driving to the porn shop. No matter what’s going on, it’s all self administered and derived.
This unintended abstinence means that when I do finally get naked with someone, or at least pull my cock out so they can stroke or suck it, the sensation is often overwhelming and I orgasm quicker than I want to. I struggle to hold back because I want it to not only last for selfish reasons, but also so the cocksucker taking care of me feels they didn’t waste their time. The benefit, of course, is that arousal and erection are genuine, come easily, and usually have plenty of strength behind them. Abstinence makes me yearn for something that, were I to just stop by and receive it every day like it was an errand, would lose the magic it has somehow held for nearly 4 / four decades. I have the freedom, and right now that’s enough to keep me satisfied until something worth it comes along.
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the rare M/F couple
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Posted:Mar 15, 2024 11:07 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 933 Views
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As most regular readers probably know, I am highly attracted to women, and prize any interactions I get to have with them. I missed pussy so much recently that I actually went back and visited an old crazy roommate that I used to write about a few years ago, while briefly living in Washington. The sex was good, but the crazy made it hardly worth the trip. I escaped as soon as I knew things were just as messed up as they’d been while we were living together. The pussy was NOT worth the drama.
Since then, I’ve shared 1 / one other intimate moment with a female. She was part of a couple who rarely played together, but I was lucky enough to be invited to join them in a porn shop booth. She was quite beautiful, and very eager to suck my cock, but her pussy was not available because she was menstruating. That was fine with me, because it was almost certain I wouldn’t last for very long. Infrequency leads to what I see as a version of premature ejaculation - or at least premature for me. I have always had ample strength and stamina, but when I get to touch and otherwise enjoy a female once every few years haha I cum quickly. Can’t help it.
I feel repeat visits and familiarity lead to better sex, and expressed that when I was done playing with the couple. She was lovely, and obviously very hungry, leaving me feeling a bit jealous if I’m being honest. It’s been so long since I had a female fuck toy / partner of any kind that I can’t help coveting what others have. It’s not just the sex that I miss, and ache for; I want cuddling, friendship, romance, deep connection. If all I get to do is share the flesh of a female with her man, that’s fine, but I truly want much, much more.
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this predicament
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Posted:Mar 14, 2024 11:28 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 780 Views
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There was never a time in my life when I took the idea of becoming homeless seriously. Up until a few years ago I felt pretty confident in my abilities to at least come up with the basics required to be a functioning member of society, and that included holding down a job that would pay me enough so that I could afford a decent rent. As it turns out, my myriad mental issues combined with things like ridiculously high housing costs have led me to the place I am today. I barely managed to afford the van I am currently living in, and calling home, and there’s no conceivable way I’ll ever be able to work enough to reside in anything traditional like an apartment. The best I can hope for is another roommate situation where I’m not driven nuts by the person, or the surroundings. It’s daunting.
The challenge of being homeless, of surviving without feeling hopeless the entire time, is one I’ve been able to conquer so far, but just barely. When it was cold, or there was literally 2 / two weeks of unrelenting rain, I regretted the situation I was in but there are other times when it doesn’t feel so bad. I know I can improvise and adapt, and things like better weather will eliminate some challenges while bringing others, so the simple fact is I better settle in for the long haul. Even when I finally get a job, and I am determined to do that, my living situation won’t change unless I meet a coworker or make a friend that has an alternative to share, offer, suggest. I am homeless for the foreseeable future, and I’ll admit that fact still hasn’t really settled in yet. I wonder when it will?
My homeless issues are different than those of others, and it might even be true that my situation is not as dire. What I don’t want to happen, is for things to get so dire that I lose hope, and begin making bad decisions. The few friends I have (close and not so close) have stepped up so far, and I’m doing my best to match their efforts at the very least. So far I am proud of how well things are going and just need to keep working, fighting, struggling, making progress and above all never giving up. This will not be the way my story ends…
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AnythngThatMoves
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Posted:Mar 13, 2024 11:13 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 927 Views
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When I first met my now ex-roommate he and I spent a fair amount of time trying to convince anonymous men to let him swallow their cocks. I knew he was excellent at it, and I loved to watch, so I was his biggest fan and advocate. I’d post ads and sell the entire experience, then the guy I was communicating with would ask me for a picture, and the next thing you know all the enthusiasm and interest disappeared. It didn’t matter that he could swallow your cock, make you cum, then keep going until you’d done it 2 / two more times. His face or body weren’t attractive to the guy, so he changed his mind.
This is understandable, on some level, but crazy on others. I’ve certainly faced a fair amount of rejection, and believe everyone has the right to be choosy if they want to be, but I’ve found the request for face pictures to be at odds with the proposed activities sometimes. Why do you need to see my face if our meeting is going to be anonymous, in a dimly lit room, with you wearing a blindfold? You need to be attracted to my face to swallow my gorgeous cock? So be it, but I warn you, the last word anyone would use to describe me is handsome.
My motto has long been; a hole is a hole, and I know quite a few people who excel at some kind of deviant behavior, but have been denied opportunities to practice them because people are shallow. I’ve decided to alter a FetLife account to promote the perverts I feel are overlooked because of some sort of perceived aesthetic flaws, and to also find people like me who don’t base their play decisions on looks alone. I've decided to use the profile name "AnythngThatMoves" and yes, the i in Anythng is supposed to be missing.
I’ve had some unbelievably incredible encounters with people I didn’t find remotely attractive, but the dynamic we shared was highly arousing. You could put the most beautiful woman in front of me and I might not get off on having sex with her as much if she were a nasty bitch filled with disdain. I’d rather someone scarred and broken be kneeling at my feet, ready and eager to serve, than a goddess who has a crummy attitude.
This is not going to be something I can spend a lot of time on, but maybe I can make it a hobby that helps out a few people I think are very deserving of the accolades I would give them, if anyone were to ask. When I make recommendations, I stand behind them, and I truly believe if others would lower their expectations as well as their inhibitions they’d find an entirely new level of pleasure and experience at their fingertips.
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the kindness of yet another (not so) stranger
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Posted:Mar 12, 2024 7:00 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 3:3 pm 667 Views
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Out of the blue, I received yet another surprise text message from a former massage , inquiring about my general welfare. Being the bluntly honest person I am, I gave a small list of the good and bad, with an inability to shower as frequently as I would like resting at the top of the list of the latter. This was not done to be manipulative, it was shared more as a joke than anything else, and because I take people seriously when they ask me that kind of question. How am I doing? Well, let me tell you…
As with a different (not so) stranger, this kind gentleman offered me the use of a shower, and I happily drove 5 / five miles the next day to take him up on it. My mistake was thinking that he would want to be intimate with me afterwards. When I offered my naked self, cock growing hard at the thought of his lips wrapped around it, he politely declined. The reason why doesn’t matter, but I will say I should have maybe known better, and I still feel a bit embarrassed. He assured me he wasn’t offended, and I’m inclined to believe him, but I still left feeling like a dope.
These random acts of kindness have really come at just the right time for me. It just so happens I have an interview in a couple of days, so instead of bothering a friend to use his shower I can save that request for another day. People let me know I can stop by “any time” but I like to make each one count. If I’m going to be making withdrawals from the karma bank I want them to be worth it. Before I left his place this incredible friend also gifted me with the equivalent of a full tank of gas, to help me keep my van engine running during the cold days to come, and you can imagine how grateful I was for that. It was unexpected and incredibly heartwarming, especially considering how little we really know one another. The goodness of people can still surprise me!
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