libido killer
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Posted:Feb 22, 2024 11:19 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 1343 Views
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Depression is a pretty effective libido killer; or at least it is for me. I no more want to get naked and nasty than I want to be alive and kicking at this time. No, I’m not feeling suicidal, just depressed.
Right before I became homeless and started living in my van I had what I thought was a pretty good idea; I would film men jerking off in the passenger seat and sell the content. Putting my intentions on a hookup site, I immediately received plenty of responses, but found myself rarely in the actual mood. Men were clamoring to whip their dicks out and masturbate for me, but I couldn’t muster enough desire to follow through. And as my situation has gone pretty much unchanged, so has my lack of
There have been plenty of times in my life where an anonymous hookup would have actually lifted my spirits, if for no other reason than it boosts my ego. Sure the sex (in whatever form it takes) feels good, but that satisfaction is brief. Sometimes the act of feeling “lucky” that I was chosen can linger, or the pure delight in the eyes of a guy as he takes my cock in his hands or mouth will be the high point of my day. Sad but true. I am a confident person, and don’t need others to tell me I am sexy, but when they do there’s no denying it feels really good.
Until things get a little better, and more stable, I’ll likely remain this way. My plans for a video series will wait, but I think they’ll eventually come to fruition. Stuck in this situation long enough, I will find my ways to deal with it better, and might even come close to a level of happiness if I try hard enough. Meanwhile, my libido is on a very low simmer, just waiting for me to turn the heat up again…
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a hole too tight
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Posted:Feb 16, 2024 10:45 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 2288 Views
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The vagina used to be my least favorite hole. Given the choice, I preferred to penetrate my sexual partners (those with and without a vagina) in the mouth or anus. My relationships with women have dissipated over these last few years, leaving me to satisfy my desires almost solely with men. As a result, the mouth has become my favorite orifice, followed closely by the vagina, with anal sex coming in dead last. If hands were a hole to stick my penis in, they’d be in 3rd / third place.
I do not have a specific desire to fuck women that are transitioning to men (FTM) but they have a vagina, so I jump at opportunities to share intimacy with them. Of my handful of experiences, at least half have been extremely pleasurable, so I keep myself open to more encounters. That attitude led me to meet a FTM in a local porn shop recently, for the purpose of fucking. I was mostly excited by the prospect, though I admit I am not particularly turned on by what I see. Once again, it is the dynamic of the situation that causes arousal, not the individual. I get hard because this person is offering themselves to me, not because I find them visually appealing.
This particular FTM, however, had a vagina so tight that I literally could not get into it. There was lubricant available, and I used it despite disliking the way it feels, but to no avail. When I eventually reached down and put a finger in, just to see if I could loosen it up a bit, I found it almost too tight even for that. No wonder my cock wasn’t getting in, I couldn’t even slip an index finger inside! It didn’t take long before I gave up in frustration and exited the booth, pulling up my pants as I pushed out the door. Definitely not an enjoyable experience.
This is not the first time I’ve tried to fuck a FTM that was too tight, and ironically enough I met the first one that was too small to get into at the exact same porn shop. Back then there was also lube involved, but it also did no good. I’ll never know if it’s genetic, or lack of use, but it was not pleasurable for me. I don’t exactly like a loose hole, per se’, but I am not into breaking someone in anymore. There was a time when I enjoyed roughly penetrating my girlfriend in the ass, and loosening her up, but there was genuine arousal and passion involved in those moments. No matter the dynamic, I don’t feel that intensity with total strangers, so an easy access orifice is much preferred.
This experience won’t sour my desire for FTM or vagina in general. A hole is a hole, and I am always up for sticking my cock in one to see what it feels like…
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rough start
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Posted:Feb 15, 2024 11:25 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2024 10:44 am 2132 Views
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I am officially homeless. That means I don’t even have a mailing address. My home is the van I recently purchased. The timing was perfect, because the cold, wet weather is back. Unfortunately, the van is having mechanical issues, and with an empty wallet and no job on the horizon I’m feeling very unstable. Very precarious.
For the last few days I’ve been trying to get the layout of the van so that I feel comfortable in it, if that’s possible. I bought one that was slightly bigger than your typical mini van, so I wouldn’t feel nearly as cramped and crowded as I already do. It’s funny how prison kind of prepares you for things like this. Not comparing it to the experience, just seeing a parallel in the living situation. I can smoke marijuana, keep my own schedule, eat what I want, make rash decisions that don’t immediately have consequences… I am free, just in a bad spot I’d like to escape from.
Food is something I have covered, but everything else is looking pretty bad. My vehicle is not insured, which is extra bad in Oregon, and I’m burning fuel running it to stay warm, and to keep my batteries charged. I have a mini fridge installed and am struggling to figure out how to incorporate it without blowing fuses, draining my battery, and so on. My ignorance could potentially be costly, not only in the form of repairs, but also spoiled food.
I’m still plugging away trying to find a job, believe it or not. So many opportunities have been lost because of my criminal past. Depression has also been a big problem these last few days. The situation is tough, but could be worse, so I’m trying to lift my spirits by being irresponsible and simply existing for a while before committing to what I know will be a hellish existence once I do land a position. My spirits will soar for a short time, or at least that is my hope. I could really use a boost. Sadness and despair can only be ignored and sublimated for so long.
Right now I don’t even want to talk about things like how often I shower, and where. It would be embarrassing to detail my bathroom habits. Being antisocial and introverted means I spend more time in the back of the van than I should, but I really don’t have many choices left. Going to the public library to use their wi-fi is about the only extended break I get at this point, so a daily grind job will probably feel good for a while. Overall it’s a rough start but I hope to streamline my daily existence and get my spirits up just enough to achieve the next level… whatever that is.
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end of this career path
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Posted:Feb 2, 2024 8:29 am
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2024 11:25 am 1682 Views
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Today I officially said goodbye to my job as a masseur. My hope is that a few guys here and there will hit me up for an session, but for the most part I am completely done. I simply must find stable employment.
The job itself was quite enjoyable, and part of me wishes I could continue doing it, but another part is glad to be done. It’s honestly nice to get my sexuality back; I was saving myself for potential and now I can sew more wild oats if I so desire. The money was really good, but I could never gain consistency. A profitable week might be followed by two / 2 that were completely bereft of any activity whatsoever. And then there was the whole ability to host, which swung back and forth from yes to no like a pendulum. It allowed me to save up some money for a rainy day, which has in fact arrived, but it never would have sustained me if I’d tried to pay all the normal bills a person does just to survive.
Now, if I’m lucky, being a masseur will be an occasional paying hobby. That means guys will have to contact me via my phone and not RentMasseur, and I won’t be attracting any new because I am no longer advertising there. So my chances of getting paid to put my hands on someone are slim to none, but I hold out a bit of hope.
Whatever job I get to replace this one might be more stable, but I guarantee you it won’t pay as well, or be nearly as fun and rewarding. Connections were made, inhibitions lowered, and orgasmic good times had by nearly all. Working as a cashier, or operating a forklift, I’m not likely to experience anything close to it. That’s the sad reality of returning to a daily grind, but so much more is going to be lost. In the end, it doesn’t matter, because surviving is the only option I have left to choose.
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boundary pushers
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Posted:Jan 26, 2024 9:49 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 2753 Views
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There is a vast difference between pushing boundaries and ignoring them. If a massage of mine says he is not into ____ for whatever reason, I steer clear of that area or activity. That doesn’t mean I stop trying to be erotic, or get him turned on, I just do so while respecting his boundaries.
I once told a I had zero desire to kiss. I didn’t hint, I flat out told him I did not do this with . Moments later he was pulling at my head, mouth open, trying to get me to lock lips with him. During that session I actually became angry, and almost let it ruin the moment. What part of NO did he not understand?
There is a I’ve known for a few years now, who likes to take vids and pics, and when we first started seeing each other I allowed it. Eventually I drew the line and said I didn’t want to anymore. He seemed to respect my decision, but over the years has continued to ask me if I would do it again. I politely and firmly tell him I am still not interested, but time goes by and he asks again. Somehow I guess I am not communicating clearly?
I’ve no idea why people can’t take NO for an answer, or why they feel the need to push boundaries and limits. Maybe they’re just being selfish, or the only excitement they get is from breaking rules? I’m just tired of refusing the same guys the same activities they already know I don’t participate in.
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movin' on out
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Posted:Jan 24, 2024 1:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2024 9:49 am 2734 Views
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I’ve been told that I need to vacate my current living situation. This was actually a long time coming, so I’m not too surprised, but that doesn’t make the situation any easier. Finding a place at this time of year, with limited funds and serious mental issues is going to be quite a challenge.
This move will likely be very good for me though, even if I wind up living in a van for a while. The noise levels and variations I’ve had to deal with over the past couple of months have been difficult to manage, so knowing I’ll be away from that is a relief. Of course, I could wind up in a worse situation, but I’m not going to move forward with that attitude. I believe things will get better.
At this point in my life I have very few ties to any one city, or state. I do love Oregon, and would like to remain here, but if the chance to move somewhere else came up I’d give it serious consideration. Apart from the existence of a couple of friends, there are no longer people keeping me tethered to a specific place or area. I know I am alone in this world, which gives me the freedom to go where I want without worrying about others. That’s the only real bright point I can think of for that.
My goal has been to find a living situation that is safe, quiet and free of drama. Beyond that the details become varied. I’d like a “normal” roommate situation where we simply coexisted but I’d also like a roommate situation where I was getting my the sex I need every day, so the search has been broad and fraught with stupidity. When I get my dick involved, there’s always stupidity.
People talk about doors opening and closing during times like this, and I get that they want to put a positive spin on it for me. I myself would like to keep as positive as possible, so anyone trying to be supportive or helpful is appreciated, even if they can’t actually do anything. It’s been strange getting helpful tips and friendly messages from more strangers than friends lately, but the sentiment is still welcome. Any positive energy focused my direction is good.
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7.83hz
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Posted:Jan 15, 2024 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 2648 Views
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I’ve seen it called the Earth’s heartbeat, and described as the hum that’s still there when all other “noise” or sound is gone. I won’t act like I know what I’m talking about, I’ll just copy/paste this little bit and move on: “… our atmosphere is continuously resonating with a radio frequency of 7.83hz.” Do whatever you want with that information.
I’ve been trying to find pure versions of it online, because I think it’s so faint as to be almost imperceptible, which means people put recordings up that feature other acoustic elements mixed in with it, like keyboard drones. Some versions are soothing, some irritating, but one thing is certain; I have benefitted greatly from piping it into my earbuds over the last few weeks.
For those who don’t know; I suffer from a chronic, debilitating (for me) condition called misophonia. I have irrational, over the top responses to certain sounds. It puts me in almost constant fight-or-flight and causes great stress. It has effected everything in my life, from where I can live, to where I can work, whether or not I go outside at certain times of the day, and so on. I was already antisocial and introverted, but misophonia makes it nearly impossible for me to live anything close to a normal existence. I’ve been wearing wireless earbuds and playing loud, frenetic music to cover up / over the sounds of the world around me, but as you can imagine that can get overwhelming at times. I get headaches, and even start to hate the very thing that is keeping me from going a different kind of insane. So this 7.38hz is a blessing. I can listen to it for hours because after the first 10 minutes it almost completely drops into the background. It might be playing loudly in my ears, but there are no caustic tones or thudding percussion to irritate or cause discomfort. Just the same soothing tone that never ends…
I’m making versions where I add white noise, and down the road I plan on finding some audiobooks that are educational and adding them to the mix. It can all fall in the background, I won’t have to actively listen, and I might still learn a few things by osmosis. The point is to help myself remain calm, and sane, and aid in making me a more bearable person to be around. I am continuously searching for help dealing with misophonia, and this has been a very beneficial step in the right direction.
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not my first F2M
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Posted:Jan 1, 2024 9:04 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 3772 Views
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My experiences with trans people is limited. I think I’ve had interactions (sexual or otherwise) with more MTF than FTM but I’m no complete stranger to either. Kind of like I’ve had more sexual encounters with men than women, but have plenty of experiences with both.
I no more consider trans people a fetish than I do a certain age group, or race. For me, it’s rarely about the gender, body type, etc. it’s about the dynamic. If I were picky or shallow I wouldn’t be able to do this whole gay massage thing and wind up with an honest erection every single time. I’m not into men at all, but I am into mutual touch, shared intimacy, and being in the Top role during these kinds of interactions. If I’m in charge, and I’m getting the right kind of stimulation, I just don’t care what does or doesn’t dangle between your legs, or how conventionally unattractive you might appear. Just touch me right and take care of my cock and I’m good.
Blind luck put in the hot tub of a FTM last month, but it was pure lust that got me hard and had me plunging into a very moist, eager pussy. I’m grateful to announce I was able to call it a pussy and not get chastised, because that is what the owner of it preferred to hear. My concerns over potentially using the wrong pronoun or accidentally letting a micro aggression slip out were not necessary. He didn’t insist I call his pussy a “front hole” or anything like that, was very grounded, and as I mentioned quite eager to get fucked.
We did spend a short amount of time in the hot tub, and that is where we began fucking. His announcement that he was wet was easily confirmed, and I was astounded at just how wet his pussy was. Again; we were in the hot tub, and if you’ve ever tried to have penetrative sex in one (or the shower, or bath) you know that water is NOT the best lubricant. Let me tell you; it made zero difference. That pussy was easy to slide into, and I was at full attention with genuine arousal.
The hot tub fucking was brief, mainly because it was cold outside. Once I’d felt how wet that pussy was, all I wanted was to get inside of it, so we hopped out and made our way to the bedroom. Not since writing about my horny roommate in Vancouver, WA have I enjoyed fucking a vagina! I wasn’t able to last very long, because DAMN it felt good, but was polite enough to use my fingers afterwards to make sure he got off as well. I’m generally a better lover / sex partner after a few interactions. For me, familiarity does not dampen the flame it just allows me to stand closer to it, for longer periods.
There was never a repeat performance. He went on vacation, the holidays happened, and I never heard another word. I might poke the bear at a later date, I’m not sure. There are other FTM that I want to hook up with, that I’ve found through various means, but this particular one was definitely worth a repeat visit. We’ll see what the new year has in store but I am excited to slip my cock in all kinds of holes!
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low decibel lifestyle
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Posted:Dec 31, 2023 1:46 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 3407 Views
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After years of struggling with misophonia, I’ve come up with some helpful solutions or fixes for my serious aversion to certain noises, and tried my best to come to terms with my broader hatred of noise in general. Even when I was a youngster I can recall thinking loud was fine, but on a limited basis, and I grew out of it pretty quickly. Now I long for extended silences, and find myself grateful when I meet people who do not feel the need to fill every single moment with conversation. It’s been tough, and it honestly looks like it’s going to get tougher before it gets easier, but I’m still fighting the good fight.
Yesterday I watched a documentary called “Search for Silence” that enlightened me a bit about just how prolific and damaging noise is to the world. One thing that surprised me was the knowledge that silence is not really something that can be achieved. Even when a person is in a chamber that is completely shut off from the world they still hear their own nervous system working, as well as their own blood pumping. Using a decibel meter, they showed time and again how places and moments you thought were empty with silence were actually filled with lower, ambient noise. Some of it was more perceptible than others but the fact is we live in a world filled with sound, and not all of it is good for us, nature, the planet.
The place I live in right now does not offer me the opportunity to live a low decibel lifestyle but I hope to find a place where I can someday. Misophonia or not, I can still wear earplugs or earbuds most of the time, but perhaps I won’t have to blast music in my ears as well. The way things have progressed, I don’t foresee ever living anywhere that allows me to go without plugging up my ears with something, but maybe I’ll get lucky and wind up in a desert before I die. That seems the only place likely to be as quiet as I want, and feel I need.
I can sound proof the room I sleep in, but once I step out of it I am subject to all sorts of audible stimuli that puts me on edge, and in fight or flight. My cortisol levels have to be catastrophic, despite my efforts to live as healthy and stress free as possible. I don’t know how to combat that except by looking for a job and living situation that are quieter. Doing gay massage has been fine in that regard, but not steady enough income, so I’m looking for a low decibel occupation and workplace too. That’s tough, because everywhere you go wants to play terrible music, or there’s machinery that sets off an irrational reaction due to my misophonia. The bottom line is; I am faced with a challenge that only gets tougher every day.
At the beginning of the Covid pandemic thing I was still living in Woodburn, Oregon and at that time was trying to separate myself from society. I did research to find the quietest cities in Oregon, and even expanded a bit further just out of curiosity. What I found did not leave me hopeful, and thinking about starting that search again does not bring me any kind of joy or relief. In the end I’m going to have to settle for living and working conditions that are not ideal, but that I can at least hopefully have some level of control over. There are specific businesses out there that don’t pipe music at their customers every second of every day, and eventually I’ll live in an environment that is much calmer than the one I am in right now. I’ve lived in better and worse before, and the same goes for jobs. The only thing I can do is keep looking, keep hoping, and try to stay alive long enough to enjoy what I need if I manage to achieve it.
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pretty soon, there'll be no escape
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Posted:Dec 30, 2023 1:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 11:30 am 2990 Views
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My childhood was not storybook, unless maybe it was written by a slightly disturbed and really sad author. For me, books and movies were an escape. It wasn’t until my teenage years that music also became a way to alter my very being; to lighten it, and feel some kind of transcendence. Books, movies and music helped me escape the way I felt on a daily basis, which was obviously not that great.
Books were an enormous gift of escape during my jail and prison sentences. I think I would have legitimately gone crazy if I hadn’t had access to them. But over the years, as my issues with misophonia intensified, I lost the ability to utilize them in this way, or even find more than the briefest moments of joy from them. I haven’t live in an environment that provides enough calm and quiet for me to concentrate, for decades. I cannot fully immerse myself in the text when I am constantly reacting to sounds all around me, or on edge, waiting for them to happen again. I still have something crazy like 10 boxes of books in storage, that I pay for every month, but I’ll likely never get the chance to read them. Stupid. And sad.
My pure enjoyment of music has also morphed and deteriorated over the years, due to the issues with misophonia. I’ve had to rely too heavily on it as a means of escape from my daily woes, and it has almost become my enemy at times. That which I loved, and aspired to make a profession in, became an irritant or punishment. All I wanted was some peace and quiet, but instead I had to put on bombastic tunes to drown out whatever was going on around me. Again, this saved me in prison, but after decades of it I can honestly say the joy has almost been taken from it. I take breaks when I can, and don’t think I’ll ever say I don’t like music, but my relationship is tenuous and it was never supposed to be.
That leaves me with movies as my only chance to fully immerse, and fully escape what is otherwise a terrible life. If I put on noise cancelling headphones, and time things correctly, I can sit through an entire film and actually get lost in it for a while. Lose myself and all of my woes in a story or visual buffet that often leaves me aching with sorrow and defeat afterwards, because I’m waking from the dream and realizing I’m back in the real world, in this crummy life. So I devour movies, become highly critical, but truly experience wonder, amusement, confusion, tension, horror, anger, sorrow. Good filmmakers take me on emotional roller coaster rides that can be exhausting, but they make real life seem like the garbage it is. Still, I’ll take those slaps in the face (at the end) as the price to pay if I can marvel in wonder, shrink in terror, or beam with joy for a couple of hours. Being able to escape for that long has real value for me.
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