van life: the beginning
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Posted:Feb 29, 2024 10:50 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 1279 Views
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With a few weeks under my tires, and some pretty foul weather coming this week, I thought I’d write about how being homeless and living in a van has been so far.
This last weekend I spent the majority of my time in the apartment of a friend who was gone with his family for a few days. It was my first taste of normalcy since officially declaring my van as home, and I’ll admit it felt a bit odd at times. I caught myself longing for my vehicle more than I would have anticipated, but equally reticent to return to it once Sunday arrived. The irony is that my days spent in the apartment were sunny and warm, but now that I’m back in the van there’s a storm advisory threatening low temperatures. As I sit here and write this, it is colder outside than it is in my mini fridge.
I woke this morning to a light version of frozen rain. By the end of the day I’d actually witnessed a hail storm, but I also saw the sunshine more than once. All of this is to say that I am doing my best to remain comfortable, but nighttime is the worst. I go to sleep and it’s perhaps 50 / fifty degrees in the van but when I wake up in the middle of the night it has sometimes dropped as much as 20 / twenty degrees. That’s what it’s like in the mornings right now. I wear multiple layers of clothing to bed, and soon enough I am pulling my blanket over my entire body to trap in the heat from my breath. It’s unpleasant but not horrible.
The upsides to van life increase as I get used to it. The level of noise I no longer have to deal with is surprising, and if I’m not too stubborn I can simply start the vehicle and drive away if something does come up. This morning I found myself irritated by the horrific buzz of a leaf blower, and at first I was determined to remain where I was parked and deal with it, then decided it was better to just drive a few blocks away and come back later. It worked pretty well too. I’ll admit the leaf blower was still running when I returned, but I was able to exit the vehicle and go inside a building where it could not be heard. That sort of flexibility is key to attaining the kind of positivity I’m trying to be content with for now.
When I get a job, the places I park will change. Unless I find something in the area, chances are I’ll be searching for a new spot to stay while I am sleeping. So far I’ve been frequenting some of the same places, while trying to still remain unobtrusive, and there have been no confrontations. Nobody has asked me why I’ve parked on the side of the street for the last few weeks, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. My hope is to find a less conspicuous spot once the weather gets warmer, and I can go scouting on my bicycle. Driving around looking for the perfect place to park would not be good for my pocketbook, which gets a little lighter every day.
This is not, by any means, an unpleasant experience. Sure there are moments of discomfort, maybe even misery, but they are brief compared to the lighter, brighter, calmer moments I am able to enjoy. Sounds don’t plague me nearly as much as they were, and my overall attitude remains upbeat. I’m convinced that if I just persevere the job thing will fall into place, and if that does happen the next step is to find a companion. I’d very much like to get me a girlfriend but if I have to settle for a furry friend I will. I am so damn lonely…
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is that all you're into?
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Posted:Feb 28, 2024 11:06 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 1542 Views
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He’d been hounding me for nearly a week, trying to get me to let him into my van so he could jerk off while I watched. I’m not sure what took me so long to set the date but I think his inability to communicate very well on the hookup app had a bit to do with it.
I was parked in the parking lot of a thrift store, but as far away from the front door as possible. It was a private enough area, and I’d been parking there off and on for a while, so I was extra confident we wouldn’t be disturbed. This was only my 2nd / second time doing this but I was not nervous at all.
When he arrived he parked next to the passenger side of the van, and seemed to hesitate a bit before getting out of his car and into my vehicle. Once inside though, he was grabbing at his crotch rather quickly. I uttered a few words of reassurance while locking the doors, and he glanced into the back of the van before committing to fully exposing himself. Meanwhile, my pants were already around my ankles, my cock unbelievably hard.
His dick was rather impressive, and it was all I could do to not reach out and touch it right away. We were both clearly, genuinely aroused, and I had to tell him several times to slow down and not cum. I also asked him not to do so all over the interior of the van, and he promised to dump his load on his own stomach. We stroked while watching each other, and as he grew more comfortable he leaned back, spread his legs more, and moved his body towards mine. Eventually I did wind up stroking his cock, and fondling his balls, but it was more exploratory and less with any real sense of purpose.
I think the guy was primed to orgasm when he got into the van, and did his best to hold out as long as he could. The moment was definitely exciting for me as well, but I found myself in complete control, barely close to orgasm, and simply enjoying myself. He blew his wad, I handed him a paper towel to wipe off, and then he was on his way. Before he left he asked if what we’d just done was all I was into and I replied that it was. He was watching me put my still quite rigid cock back into my pants, but did not express any desire to suck or stroke it. If he had, I might have relented, but in the end I’m glad things played out the way they did. It left me aching for more which means I’ll likely be blogging about another sexual adventure very soon!
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a plethora (of gay men)
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Posted:Feb 26, 2024 11:10 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 1431 Views
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I don’t spend much time in the nearest “big” city - i.e. Portland, Oregon - and in fact haven’t been downtown for over a month. If/when I am there, it is almost invariably for business, or at least was while I was doing the whole gay massage thing. I’d ride the few miles on my bicycle, see a , and then head back home to Milwaukie. During those times my libido was spoken for, so I never had the need to be on the hookup site I frequent, looking for satisfaction. My basic experiences revolved around my neighborhood, not downtown Portland.
I had occasion to be there on President’s Day though, and it was because of a person on the hookup site. I was supposed to be meeting him in his hotel room, to film him sucking my cock. My van was in the shop, so I went on the bike, and managed to arrive much earlier than I’d anticipated. It was kind of cold and miserable outside, and the thought of waiting around in that for nearly an hour did not appeal. To distract myself, I got on the hookup site to look at other profiles, and to see if the guy I was supposed to meet might be available earlier than scheduled. It was during that time I happened upon a guy that truly appealed - even more so than the person I was planning to see. I was not about to be an asshole and cancel, but I needed to meet this other person and see how much pleasure he could provide.
This is not a post where I get into the sexy details; I just wanted to mention that when I opened up the app for the hookup site I was amazed at the number of members in the area. I was so used to seeing the same pictures, same personal ads, same profiles from my area that it genuinely surprised me. Milwaukie is nothing like downtown Portland, as you can imagine. There was a plethora to choose from, and the one other notable thing is that it was a holiday. That means what I saw was likely a mere fraction of what is normally available. If I was an endlessly horny guy I’d just make sure to stop by the area once or twice a day, and likely be completely satiated.
Downtown Portland is apparently FULL of horny men!
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do I miss it?
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Posted:Feb 24, 2024 3:33 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 1410 Views
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My days as a gay masseur are officially over, with only a few random men sending me text messages here and there to potentially book a session at a later date. I am “retired” - or at least that’s what I tell people. I’ll still do it as a paying hobby though, and so far only one person has contacted me about that. I’m sure there will be others.
I was asked if I missed doing gay massage, and the truth is that there are some aspects I definitely pine for a bit. I miss the intimacy and excitement, but not the drama, and I certainly long for the hourly pay while feeling genuine relief because I’m no longer dealing with the fakes, flakes, liars and so on. It was a good job, that could be very gratifying, but also tedious and annoying. That sounds like most jobs, doesn’t it?
If I wanted to put myself out there and give free massages so I could experience the intimacy again I could, but I don’t miss it that much. When I’m not making a dime on my interactions with men I tend to be completely selfish, and often want to get right to the point. Massage was about helping feel comfortable and getting them to lower their inhibitions, but I don’t need to do that when there are tons of eager sluts ready and willing to do what I want, without the need for me to do much more than command it. I don’t have to work for blowjobs, hand jobs, or anything like that.
It really boils down to a couple of things; the pay, and the effect I had on my . I miss the money, and I miss helping men relax, open up and explore their desires. Some were genuinely fun, and I’d love to see them again, but I’m not rushing to do so for free. In the end, being a masseur was like doing any other job, and I no more miss it than I miss my time working at pizza shops or gas stations when I was young. If given the opportunity, I would do it again, but mainly for the money, the freedom to chose when I work, and with whom. It wasn’t a bad gig, but it was work, especially for my libido. So do I miss it? Not really…
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libido killer
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Posted:Feb 22, 2024 11:19 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 1483 Views
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Depression is a pretty effective libido killer; or at least it is for me. I no more want to get naked and nasty than I want to be alive and kicking at this time. No, I’m not feeling suicidal, just depressed.
Right before I became homeless and started living in my van I had what I thought was a pretty good idea; I would film men jerking off in the passenger seat and sell the content. Putting my intentions on a hookup site, I immediately received plenty of responses, but found myself rarely in the actual mood. Men were clamoring to whip their dicks out and masturbate for me, but I couldn’t muster enough desire to follow through. And as my situation has gone pretty much unchanged, so has my lack of
There have been plenty of times in my life where an anonymous hookup would have actually lifted my spirits, if for no other reason than it boosts my ego. Sure the sex (in whatever form it takes) feels good, but that satisfaction is brief. Sometimes the act of feeling “lucky” that I was chosen can linger, or the pure delight in the eyes of a guy as he takes my cock in his hands or mouth will be the high point of my day. Sad but true. I am a confident person, and don’t need others to tell me I am sexy, but when they do there’s no denying it feels really good.
Until things get a little better, and more stable, I’ll likely remain this way. My plans for a video series will wait, but I think they’ll eventually come to fruition. Stuck in this situation long enough, I will find my ways to deal with it better, and might even come close to a level of happiness if I try hard enough. Meanwhile, my libido is on a very low simmer, just waiting for me to turn the heat up again…
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a hole too tight
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Posted:Feb 16, 2024 10:45 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 2463 Views
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The vagina used to be my least favorite hole. Given the choice, I preferred to penetrate my sexual partners (those with and without a vagina) in the mouth or anus. My relationships with women have dissipated over these last few years, leaving me to satisfy my desires almost solely with men. As a result, the mouth has become my favorite orifice, followed closely by the vagina, with anal sex coming in dead last. If hands were a hole to stick my penis in, they’d be in 3rd / third place.
I do not have a specific desire to fuck women that are transitioning to men (FTM) but they have a vagina, so I jump at opportunities to share intimacy with them. Of my handful of experiences, at least half have been extremely pleasurable, so I keep myself open to more encounters. That attitude led me to meet a FTM in a local porn shop recently, for the purpose of fucking. I was mostly excited by the prospect, though I admit I am not particularly turned on by what I see. Once again, it is the dynamic of the situation that causes arousal, not the individual. I get hard because this person is offering themselves to me, not because I find them visually appealing.
This particular FTM, however, had a vagina so tight that I literally could not get into it. There was lubricant available, and I used it despite disliking the way it feels, but to no avail. When I eventually reached down and put a finger in, just to see if I could loosen it up a bit, I found it almost too tight even for that. No wonder my cock wasn’t getting in, I couldn’t even slip an index finger inside! It didn’t take long before I gave up in frustration and exited the booth, pulling up my pants as I pushed out the door. Definitely not an enjoyable experience.
This is not the first time I’ve tried to fuck a FTM that was too tight, and ironically enough I met the first one that was too small to get into at the exact same porn shop. Back then there was also lube involved, but it also did no good. I’ll never know if it’s genetic, or lack of use, but it was not pleasurable for me. I don’t exactly like a loose hole, per se’, but I am not into breaking someone in anymore. There was a time when I enjoyed roughly penetrating my girlfriend in the ass, and loosening her up, but there was genuine arousal and passion involved in those moments. No matter the dynamic, I don’t feel that intensity with total strangers, so an easy access orifice is much preferred.
This experience won’t sour my desire for FTM or vagina in general. A hole is a hole, and I am always up for sticking my cock in one to see what it feels like…
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rough start
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Posted:Feb 15, 2024 11:25 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2024 10:44 am 2270 Views
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I am officially homeless. That means I don’t even have a mailing address. My home is the van I recently purchased. The timing was perfect, because the cold, wet weather is back. Unfortunately, the van is having mechanical issues, and with an empty wallet and no job on the horizon I’m feeling very unstable. Very precarious.
For the last few days I’ve been trying to get the layout of the van so that I feel comfortable in it, if that’s possible. I bought one that was slightly bigger than your typical mini van, so I wouldn’t feel nearly as cramped and crowded as I already do. It’s funny how prison kind of prepares you for things like this. Not comparing it to the experience, just seeing a parallel in the living situation. I can smoke marijuana, keep my own schedule, eat what I want, make rash decisions that don’t immediately have consequences… I am free, just in a bad spot I’d like to escape from.
Food is something I have covered, but everything else is looking pretty bad. My vehicle is not insured, which is extra bad in Oregon, and I’m burning fuel running it to stay warm, and to keep my batteries charged. I have a mini fridge installed and am struggling to figure out how to incorporate it without blowing fuses, draining my battery, and so on. My ignorance could potentially be costly, not only in the form of repairs, but also spoiled food.
I’m still plugging away trying to find a job, believe it or not. So many opportunities have been lost because of my criminal past. Depression has also been a big problem these last few days. The situation is tough, but could be worse, so I’m trying to lift my spirits by being irresponsible and simply existing for a while before committing to what I know will be a hellish existence once I do land a position. My spirits will soar for a short time, or at least that is my hope. I could really use a boost. Sadness and despair can only be ignored and sublimated for so long.
Right now I don’t even want to talk about things like how often I shower, and where. It would be embarrassing to detail my bathroom habits. Being antisocial and introverted means I spend more time in the back of the van than I should, but I really don’t have many choices left. Going to the public library to use their wi-fi is about the only extended break I get at this point, so a daily grind job will probably feel good for a while. Overall it’s a rough start but I hope to streamline my daily existence and get my spirits up just enough to achieve the next level… whatever that is.
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end of this career path
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Posted:Feb 2, 2024 8:29 am
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2024 11:25 am 1769 Views
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Today I officially said goodbye to my job as a masseur. My hope is that a few guys here and there will hit me up for an session, but for the most part I am completely done. I simply must find stable employment.
The job itself was quite enjoyable, and part of me wishes I could continue doing it, but another part is glad to be done. It’s honestly nice to get my sexuality back; I was saving myself for potential and now I can sew more wild oats if I so desire. The money was really good, but I could never gain consistency. A profitable week might be followed by two / 2 that were completely bereft of any activity whatsoever. And then there was the whole ability to host, which swung back and forth from yes to no like a pendulum. It allowed me to save up some money for a rainy day, which has in fact arrived, but it never would have sustained me if I’d tried to pay all the normal bills a person does just to survive.
Now, if I’m lucky, being a masseur will be an occasional paying hobby. That means guys will have to contact me via my phone and not RentMasseur, and I won’t be attracting any new because I am no longer advertising there. So my chances of getting paid to put my hands on someone are slim to none, but I hold out a bit of hope.
Whatever job I get to replace this one might be more stable, but I guarantee you it won’t pay as well, or be nearly as fun and rewarding. Connections were made, inhibitions lowered, and orgasmic good times had by nearly all. Working as a cashier, or operating a forklift, I’m not likely to experience anything close to it. That’s the sad reality of returning to a daily grind, but so much more is going to be lost. In the end, it doesn’t matter, because surviving is the only option I have left to choose.
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boundary pushers
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Posted:Jan 26, 2024 9:49 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 12:28 am 2876 Views
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There is a vast difference between pushing boundaries and ignoring them. If a massage of mine says he is not into ____ for whatever reason, I steer clear of that area or activity. That doesn’t mean I stop trying to be erotic, or get him turned on, I just do so while respecting his boundaries.
I once told a I had zero desire to kiss. I didn’t hint, I flat out told him I did not do this with . Moments later he was pulling at my head, mouth open, trying to get me to lock lips with him. During that session I actually became angry, and almost let it ruin the moment. What part of NO did he not understand?
There is a I’ve known for a few years now, who likes to take vids and pics, and when we first started seeing each other I allowed it. Eventually I drew the line and said I didn’t want to anymore. He seemed to respect my decision, but over the years has continued to ask me if I would do it again. I politely and firmly tell him I am still not interested, but time goes by and he asks again. Somehow I guess I am not communicating clearly?
I’ve no idea why people can’t take NO for an answer, or why they feel the need to push boundaries and limits. Maybe they’re just being selfish, or the only excitement they get is from breaking rules? I’m just tired of refusing the same guys the same activities they already know I don’t participate in.
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movin' on out
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Posted:Jan 24, 2024 1:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2024 9:49 am 2867 Views
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I’ve been told that I need to vacate my current living situation. This was actually a long time coming, so I’m not too surprised, but that doesn’t make the situation any easier. Finding a place at this time of year, with limited funds and serious mental issues is going to be quite a challenge.
This move will likely be very good for me though, even if I wind up living in a van for a while. The noise levels and variations I’ve had to deal with over the past couple of months have been difficult to manage, so knowing I’ll be away from that is a relief. Of course, I could wind up in a worse situation, but I’m not going to move forward with that attitude. I believe things will get better.
At this point in my life I have very few ties to any one city, or state. I do love Oregon, and would like to remain here, but if the chance to move somewhere else came up I’d give it serious consideration. Apart from the existence of a couple of friends, there are no longer people keeping me tethered to a specific place or area. I know I am alone in this world, which gives me the freedom to go where I want without worrying about others. That’s the only real bright point I can think of for that.
My goal has been to find a living situation that is safe, quiet and free of drama. Beyond that the details become varied. I’d like a “normal” roommate situation where we simply coexisted but I’d also like a roommate situation where I was getting my the sex I need every day, so the search has been broad and fraught with stupidity. When I get my dick involved, there’s always stupidity.
People talk about doors opening and closing during times like this, and I get that they want to put a positive spin on it for me. I myself would like to keep as positive as possible, so anyone trying to be supportive or helpful is appreciated, even if they can’t actually do anything. It’s been strange getting helpful tips and friendly messages from more strangers than friends lately, but the sentiment is still welcome. Any positive energy focused my direction is good.
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