life waiting to happen
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Postad:28 april 2024 12:45 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 31 besök
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There are a few things on hold in my life, waiting to be put into effect, begun, instituted, realized. Since becoming homeless, my luck hasn’t really gotten much better, but I’ve continued to plug away at the job search and may have finally landed something. I’m not going to jinx it and begin celebrating or making plans just yet, because I’ve done that a few times already and it is beyond frustrating to get all excited and then find yourself kicked in the face with a huge letdown. So I’m going to play it cool, let the weekend come to an end, and see if I really, actually still have a job to start on Monday.
Once I do have steady income, my life is definitely going to change for the better. There is a large and growing list of things I need to take care of, as well as a smaller number of things / changes I’d like to make. For example; I need to get a gym membership so I can have a place to shower on a regular basis. I also need to put some money into repairs and upkeep for my van, then set aside as much as I can for an upcoming trip to Reno, Nevada to see my daughter get married. I’d also like to get insurance for the van, which is required in Oregon, and could cause me to lose the vehicle if I am caught driving without it. And I really, really want to get a pet, though I haven’t decided on a dog or cat yet. Which will be less miserable co-existing with me in the van?
I’ll be able to afford to fill my gas tank, but the larger purpose for that will be to get me to band practice, for example. I’ve been putting off practicing and jamming with a new friend because I simply couldn’t afford the gas to and from his studio, but that won’t be an issue anymore. In fact, I’ll be working 4 / four days, then have 3 / three days off, so there will be plenty of free time to enjoy making music. And if we decide to play live gigs, I have the 3 / three most important days off in which to do so.
Until recently, I’d counted myself completely out of the dating game, as it were. I decided quite a while back that I had little or nothing to offer the opposite sex, and pretty much gave up on the possibility of finding love. Over these last couple of months my attitude has begun to change, and even though my life continued to fall apart, an undeniable urge to “be with” a woman in a romantic and intimate fashion set in. My desire for men, and the mostly empty sexual gratifications they provide, has waned and in place is a steady hunger and desire for the opposite sex. Regular income will give me the extra confidence I need, should I finally find myself in a situation where a relationship with a female could develop. Up until now I’d have humbly bowed out, admitting I had nothing to offer except myself.
If this job is something I can stand to do for a while, the location and routine will also allow me to broaden my interests and expand on my daily life. I’m hoping to find a semi-permanent place to park the van so I can begin riding my bicycle, which will further cut down on costs, but also help lift my spirits. The point is; I’m not just getting a job to make money, I am planning on using that income to expand my life quite a bit further. As much as I hate being a cog in a machine and living a daily grind, it has become necessary, and until I find an alternative I am stuck. Might as well make the most of it!
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don't call me Daddy (unless)
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Postad:27 april 2024 11:21 am
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 85 besök
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Please, if you are a gay male; don’t call me Daddy. I know it’s all the rage for a younger person to refer to an older man in this way, but it makes my skin crawl. The irony, of course, is that if I were to hear the same thing from a female it wouldn’t bother me a bit. In fact, I’ve been in 2 / two intense Daddy daughter relationships, and enjoyed the dynamic quite a bit. Being referred to as Daddy or Papa felt amazing, not creepy, and I’d happily do it again if I could. Age difference is not that big of an issue, because the dynamic is more about a frame of mind than anything else. I’d have no problem with a lady my age referring to me as “Daddy” even if it wasn’t a literal possibility that I could actually be her Father. I admit the authenticity of being with a young(er) woman who actually could be my daughter does lend an extra layer of authenticity and realism to the whole thing, but any woman who can convincingly age regress is going to find me quite accepting of a paternal nickname.
There’s no denying I am old enough to be a Father, and in fact I do have a biological daughter that is getting married soon. I don’t mind being reminded of my age, I just don’t exhibit the same tender, protective nature towards younger men that I do towards women of all ages. Gay men are not to be loved and cared for, they are to be utilized and enjoyed. That might sound brutal but at least it is honest. My heart does have the ability to love all ages, races, genders and so forth, and I’d never close it to the possibility of a true connection, but if it happens I fully expect it to be with a female. Of one thing I am certain; it would take an incredibly young male to convincingly pull me into the Daddy dynamic. It’s something I’ve never wanted, and I’m not looking for it now, so the chances are slim to none. And calling me Daddy or anything like that, before any kind of connection has been established, is just going to immediately turn me off.
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do you really need to ask?
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Postad:26 april 2024 12:28 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 158 besök
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I think the body says what the lips don’t need to. My loud, enthusiastic orgasms should be a clear indication to anyone sharing a sexual moment with me that I had an enjoyable experience, just as my erect penis should indicate genuine arousal in any given situation, especially since I do not take pills of any kind to make them happen. Yet, despite both these glaring examples of honest enjoyment, I still get asked if I had a good time with someone. Really? When I had an orgasm and you saw me practically writhing and shuddering with pleasure that wasn’t enough to indicate I’d had a good time? You needed to ask?
I’ve been with people who were stoic and difficult to read, so I know I am not like them. My body, as well as my voice, communicate plenty during a sexual encounter. Even if I’m not talking dirty I am still moaning, and giving positive feedback in that way. The fact that I am grateful comes out in the form of verbalized “thanks” more than once, and the huge smile on my face is also a pretty obvious indication of satisfaction. To tell you the truth, I can’t figure out what it is about my demeanor that would make people ask me if I’d had a good time with them after we’d just shared a sexual encounter. Yet it happens time and time again. Honestly, I couldn’t be more obvious, yet somehow it doesn’t quite get through.
This is not a complaint or rant, it is more like an odd observation. I’m not offended when this sort of thing happens, just baffled. Sometimes I feel like I express my gratitude too much, but perhaps one thing somehow doesn’t have anything to do with the other. I try not to let it bother me, but when I spend half an hour getting my needs taken care of I want my moans of pleasure to be received, and my satisfaction to be evident. The orgasm itself would seem to be the answer to the question of whether or not I had a good time, but then again I’m the guy who says it’s the journey, not the destination. I want the person I am with to know I am grateful, so they feel the effort was worth it, and so they don’t feel the need to ask me if I had a good time? They really shouldn’t need to inquire…
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white week - part 2
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Postad:25 april 2024 10:46 am
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 307 besök
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Maybe I should call this “2nd attempt” instead of “part 2” since that is technically what is going on. I am having another go at abstaining from sexual activity for 7 / seven days or more, mainly just to see if I can do it. It’s not even the act itself I’m trying to avoid so much as the seeking behavior. My goal is to stop looking at the gay hookup site I belong to so obsessively, and replace that time and energy with something more valuable. It’s not that I spend an unhealthy amount of time online, looking for someone to take care of my sexual needs, but it has admittedly become a habit I find myself taking part in more often than I’d like. So I’m going to stay off the site, and keep my dick in my pants.
Going without sexual satisfaction for a week not only denies me the act itself, it also significantly lowers the amount of dopamine I get. When I am obsessively checking the hookup site I invariably experience upward spikes, even if they aren’t significant. The simple fact of receiving a message gives me a little bump of satisfaction in an otherwise dull and miserable existence, but that joy is short-lived and hollow, just like the “love” I receive on other social media platforms. When you are lonely, and your life seems pretty awful, any amount of positive feedback is welcome though, no matter how shallow or brief it might be. But I know I cannot rely on anyone to help me feel good about myself, or the day I am struggling through, so I do my best to get my warm fuzzies from within. If abstaining from sex for a week leads to me feeling good about myself because I exhibit self control, then I’ve done myself a double positive.
Just as before, I will not hesitate to break this sexual fast if I get an exceptional offer, or somebody wants to book a massage, but for the most part I am marking myself “unavailable” and doing my best to concentrate on other things in my life
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I have value
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Postad:24 april 2024 11:41 am
Senast Uppdaterad:25 april 2024 10:46 am 266 besök
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Constant rejection from the job search is bad enough, but when I spend money on gas to get to interviews, only to be made to wait for nearly an hour, I begin to lose my faith in the entire process. This might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it is not. I’m not certain if it’s my Aspergers or what, but when I set a meeting with someone for a specific time I do not expect to show up and be met with confusion, and left to sit and wonder for nearly an hour. Such was the case today; I had a 9am interview with S but when I showed up I was informed that S doesn’t come in until 9:30am. It wasn’t a “She’s running late” scenario, it was a “She doesn’t come in until 9:30am” type of thing. If that is the case, why the fuck did S set the meeting for 9am?
I wound up waiting until 9:45am. The lady I’d spoken with on the phone, who had set the interview time, showed up eventually. She spoke to me very briefly, and said something about paperwork that I didn’t quite understand, but by then I was pretty upset. I smiled and said, “No worries” and then she disappeared into an upstairs office for a while, leaving me to wait even longer. Eventually a lackey from a different department showed up and introduced himself, but by then I had lost all interest in working for the company. The complete lack of respect is something I cannot condone, and won’t willingly place myself in the middle of. If that’s the way they treat potential employees, I can only imagine it getting worse, not better, if I were to be hired.
People that cannot do something simple like set an appointment and keep it are in charge of entire sections of stores, yet I am not qualified to restock a shelf because I committed a crime nearly a decade ago, and smoke marijuana. This particular business happened to be a grocery store, and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen shelves improperly stocked, or sales tags left when they should have been removed. Sometimes lazy employees will take another product and line a shelf with it, rather than leave an empty space, which winds up being misleading when it comes to price. It just shows the people in charge aren’t doing their jobs, and my experience just trying to get an interview is likely not unique. Workers are treated with little respect by managers, and the bad feelings just roll downhill from there, with most employees feeling resentment toward the company they work for. Of course if management had its act together things might be different…
I am fucking fed up with this bullshit routine, but I can’t step away from it for a single moment. I am in debt to someone I love and respect, and until that debt is paid I cannot give up. So tune in to see the next installment of how absurd my search for employment has become.
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5 out of 7 ain't bad
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Postad:22 april 2024 1:05 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 470 besök
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My white week only lasted about 5 / five days. As I’d hoped, someone decided to book a massage with me, and I happily broke the promise I’d made to myself, to abstain from sexual activity for at least 7 / seven days. During the session, I actually went further than I usually do. It was quite an erotic experience.
This was not an ex massage client, but a friend whom I’d had a couple of encounters with before. He’s the guy who let me shower at his place, but searched my bag and put me through a strip search first. It was more fun than I make it sound, and we had such a good time that we’ve remained in touch, lusting after each other from afar. When I contacted him and asked if there was any work he’d like me to do for him in exchange for some much needed cash, he mentioned pulling weeds. As willing as I was to do that, I had no trouble convincing him to pay for a massage instead.
We didn’t agree on a rate, or time frame, I just showed up at his place, took a quick shower, and then jumped into the fun. He lit a joint, and while we passed it back and forth he alternated between taking hits and sucking my dick. We finished half the joint, and he spent a fair amount of time down on the floor, between my legs, but eventually I acted responsibly and asked if he wanted to lay down on his bed so that I could actually massage him. Before I officially began though, I made him lie on his back and we had some mutual oral 69 position fun for a while. Most of the time you won’t catch me with a stranger’s cock in my mouth but I couldn’t resist, and I’m glad I didn’t. It felt great, and I remained aroused the entire time.
At some point I did start the actual massage, and though I won’t say I did a thorough job, I’ll still brag about my general abilities with confidence. There was no deep tissue release, I just did my best to relieve a bit of muscle tension while simultaneously creating it in his nether regions. Soon enough I had him on his back again, dick in my mouth, and at some point I remember straddling him so that the head of his prick rested against my asshole. I’d lean down on top of him, reach back, grab hold of his shaft, and slap the head of it against my pucker. Hot damn it felt good!
There was no release for either of us, but that didn’t affect my enjoyment one bit. I think the very next day both of us were tag teaming the ass of a friend of mine, so nobody lost out or anything like that. Had my friend not booked a massage with me I might have made it a full 7 / seven days without sexual gratification of any kind, but I’m not sure I could have fully resisted. I’ve shot my load though, and don’t feel the compulsion to do it again right away, so maybe I can make today my 2nd / second attempt at a white week.
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move along Sir
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Postad:21 april 2024 12:27 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 498 besök
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Last night I woke to the sound of a police officer tapping a flashlight against the window of my van. I scrambled to the front seat, put the keys in the ignition, and turned the power on so that I could roll down my window, then spoke with the officer briefly. She was not aggressive, and actually seemed quite embarrassed to be doing her job. I provided my identification so she could check and see if I had any warrants for my arrest, but other than that our interaction was almost cordial. The fact that my van smelled of marijuana was mentioned, and when I offered to leave the parking lot and find a different place for the night I was told to remain where I was, just to be safe. No use getting in trouble for a DWI - Driving While Intoxicated. A lot of people think this only applies to alcohol, but the truth is you can get a DWI for driving under the influence of just about any “substance” or drug. So I was told, emphatically, to stay put for the night, but find a different place to park from now on.
This is not the first time I’ve been woken by a police officer or security guard in the middle of the night. During a particularly heavy and lengthy stint of rain I tried to take refuge in parking garages that were either part of a shopping mall, or designated for public transportation. I’d hoped to blend in with other vehicles, but I turned out to be the only person parked in these places at 3 / three in the morning, so I’ve been told to “move along” more than once. Every person I’ve encountered has been polite, which I appreciate, and some do seem to almost be embarrassed by what they have to do as part of their job. It’s obvious to them that I’m not a criminal mastermind, setting up and getting ready to burgle a place, nor am I some scumbag who leaves garbage strewn about the area where I park. I do my best to be as inconspicuous as possible, but sometimes I just can’t win.
There was a brief time when I was parking in a neighborhood, near a walking path, but a man in a small apartment complex became overly interested in my presence and I started to fear the police might get involved. At one point the guy stopped and began taking photos of the van (I assume the license plate) so my desire to avoid confrontation won out and I moved on. It was a good spot, but I think as the weather gets better it’ll become a place where I no longer want to park, because of what I assume will be an increase of foot traffic on the path. For now, I’m not sure where to go, but once I get a job the place I park when I want to sleep will have a lot to do with the location of my workplace. With the exception of my storage unit, there is nothing tethering me to any particular city, so if I find a job that is 15 / fifteen miles away I can technically move there, and don’t have to travel that far every day, twice a day. I can simply make sure most of what I need is in the van, and find a spot a few miles from work if I want to. If there are advantages to being homeless and living in a van, they are small like that, but still significant.
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what is the correlation?
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Postad:20 april 2024 12:30 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 605 besök
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Gay men on the hookup site I belong to seem lazy, but are they also confused? I can’t tell you the number of guys who send me nothing more than “hey”, “sup” or some variation of a single word greeting, accompanied by a photograph. Sometimes the picture is of their entire body, but most of the time it’s either dick or ass. Now I never say on my profile that I’m looking for a cock to suck, get fucked by, or play with in general so pictures of those confound me. If you’re offering me your ass, if you’re saying you are a bottom and asking to get fucked, why include a photo of your penis? Is there some confusion on your part?
Just last night some guy sent me a message saying he was a bottom, looking to get fucked in the ass, but included a picture of his cock. He wrote; “I am all cleaned and prepped, ready to get fucked” so I sent a sarcastic reply back, asking him how it was going to be physically possible for me to penetrate his “clean and prepped” dick with mine? I’m not stupid, I know what was being communicated, I just don’t understand the correlation.
I’m not the only person who thinks this is strange. I see quite a few posts on the site that mention the phenomenon. It would stand to reason that a person sucking cock would, at the very least, post a photo of their mouth for others to see. If you are offering your mouth, show it to us! The same should go without saying for the men who want to bottom, or get fucked in the ass. If you want me to penetrate your anus, show it to me, so I know if I am going to be interested when the time comes. When you’re trying to sell a car you don’t advertise with a picture of the steering wheel, do you? Maybe it would be part of a larger collection, but the main eye-catcher should be more appealing and direct, right? That’s why people in real estate put a picture of the house for everyone to see, not the basement. Well, they do that if they want to sell the place, and since trying to hook up with another person is a different kind of transaction it makes sense to go about it in a sensible way. Or maybe that’s just me.
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trans mansplaining
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Postad:19 april 2024 12:48 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 653 besök
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I fucked a trans woman about a month ago, and it was a very hot, sexy bit of fun. We both had a fantastic time, and I had every intention of returning to the scene of the crime for a repeat performance, when our schedules allowed. We were staying in touch, sharing the occasional message or update, and doing our best to at least keep the fire simmering. Most of the stuff we were talking about was banal, I’ll admit, but at some point we began talking about edging, and the build up of sperm. I was being tasked with producing large loads for her, so spending a few days masturbating without having an orgasm was going to aid in that. I was of the opinion that only so much builds up before the body has no choice but to begin absorbing it though, and found my new fuckbud was of a contrary opinion. It wasn’t something I was invested in defending, nor did I truly care if I was even correct, so I did not engage in a lengthy conversation on the subject, let alone allow it to devolve into an argument. Simply put; I said we could agree to disagree, and wanted to move on. And that is what happened.
You’ll have to forgive me for saying this (or stop reading my blog altogether) but I found it hilarious that I was informed by a biological woman what happens to/in the body of a biological man. The “facts”, as they were given to me, were provided with such certainty that you’d have thought I was actually talking to a guy, not someone who was trying to transition into one. The voice spoke with such knowledge and experience, even though it literally had none, unless it was acquired through books, or online. I shared this experience with a friend of mine and he coined the phrase; trans mansplaining for me. Bless his non-woke, un-p.c. heart.
For those who might be curious; I never fucked the trans woman again. She began to take PREP and we were gearing up to begin having all kinds of kinky, unprotected sex together when she randomly asked if I did any drugs. I admitted to smoking marijuana and was told that we’d have to use condoms instead of going bareback, because she was trying to get an important job that did serious drug testing. How my consumption of marijuana was somehow going to jeopardize that, I do not know, and I was left to guess. Did she think there would be enough THC in my sperm to potentially cause her to provide a positive drug test? I politely asked for an explanation but none was given. We haven’t exchanged another word since.
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white week
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Postad:18 april 2024 3:50 pm
Senast Uppdaterad:28 april 2024 10:54 pm 735 besök
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When I feel I am overindulging in something, or need to take a break to clean out my system, I make a concerted effort to abstain for a determined length of time. I refer to this as a “white period” because that is what I’ve heard it called by others. Whether it is sexual activity, the consumption of drugs, alcohol, coffee, sugar, or something else entirely the point is to avoid doing it for a while. It’s a chance for me to not only clean up for health reasons, it also allows me to practice self control, and to step back for a moment and examine the thing I am trying to avoid. Introspection is a big part of the process.
Going without also allows me to build desire and anticipation for something that has been easy to obtain, or that I’ve overindulged in. For this particular white period that I am about to undertake, sex will be the big focus. Despite my stated desire to step away from gay hookups and concentrate on just getting together with females, I have resorted to allowing my feelings of self worth to hinge on whether or not I am “good/attractive enough” that guys are still throwing themselves at me for a chance to suck my cock or whatever. Because when I take that part of my life and daily routine away, I am left with the very harsh reality that I am no good, not worthy, not appealing. Rejection is tough to handle when it comes at you in waves, and never seems to stop, so I’ve been seeking solace in cock suckers. The respite is brief, and it leaves me feeling pretty empty on the other side of the orgasm, so I’m going to take a complete break for a while.
How is this different than my previous declaration of abstinence from men? I’m adding things like avoiding the gay hookup site I belong to, which will be a tremendous help. Even if I was only looking for the sake of entertainment, or for fear of missing out on some unique personality, the truth is that I was placing myself right in the middle of temptation. And since it is so damn easy to get what I want from gay men at any given time, the challenge was drained from the process as well. So I will abstain for at least a week, only pulling my dick out when it is truly a special moment, or going to earn me a few dollars. At this point I wouldn’t reject a request from a former massage client, and would be happy to cut my “white week” short if that were the case. Otherwise, I’m quitting cold turkey, and that includes masturbation.
My reliance on marijuana will likely be the next thing I take a break from, but for now I can only handle going without sexual gratification for a short period. Life is already crummy enough, I don’t need to add multiple self-imposed miseries on top that.
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