Imposters, Fakes and phonies!
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Posted:Nov 20, 2022 3:38 am
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2022 3:40 am 1503 Views
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If you are new or newish, some top advice. You may be confused by some of the stuff written about BDSM. The biggest issue I see are the sheep number of imposters, phonies, or faux (French for Fake) Doms. Sad that so manty sites are awash with people pretending to be experienced Doms, but in fact are just fakes!
When you starting out on your journey into the submissive world it’s important to be aware of these imposters. In this blog I’ll explain what an imposter/phoney/ (Fake Dom) is, why they’re bad news for anyone looking to get their first experience of a submissive role. Later in this blog, you’ll learn how to spot them on sites like this.
Ok from here on we will refer to them as a Fake Dom. They are someone who claims to be a Dominant when in reality they have little or no idea what they are doing. Fake Doms frequently has little respect for the sub, often believing a Dom / Sub relationship is just for their benefit. In fact, many of them believe it’s their role to make the sub do whatever they want, when they want, without concern for your wants.
If you have been on any of the online dating sites (like Alt), will have met at least one. The moment you give them a hint you are into Dom / Sub, they hit on you with their kinks, and try and dominate you there and then. Because they often have no real experience of being in Dom s, and often have no wish to learn.
Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom is damaging to your emotional and physical wellbeing, even more so if you are new. Newbies, and those with limited experience in a Dom sub relationship, may not know the precise role of a Dom. You may end up in full blown relationships which in reality has nothing to do with it. Sadly there is not a lot of quality material out there on a healthy Dom sub relationship. For example, “Do you know how a Dom is supposed to act?”
In a relationship with one, you often find yourself asking questions, like:
• why has he asked me to do something I really don’t enjoy. it.
• He/she got angry when I didn’t do as asked now, I feel guilty. Is this normal?
• my Dom is focused on his pleasure and not mine. What should I do?
All of these are signs he’s not up to the job.
Being in a relationship with one of these imposters may make you feel:
• small (not in a good way)
• belittled
• questioning
• as though you have to continually prove themselves
• as though you are getting fewer benefits from t than he does
• you are fearful of putting a foot wrong
• as though your thoughts and feelings don’t matter
Does this sound familiar?
It should, because they are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, not a fully formed Dom sub one, and certainly not one you want to be in.
The minimum you should get are equal benefits!
Any Dom worthy of the name should ensure that in a live in relationship that they are a Romantic Dominant. Making it their mission to ensure you’re both getting equal benefits, regardless of if it is a short term deal or a full on romantic partnership.
Just because the power in a Dom/sub dynamic isn’t equal, it doesn’t mean the benefits shouldn’t be equal.
Any newbies should take a moment to think about that.
THE BENEFITS EQUATION:
The Dom and sub won’t get the same kind of benefits, but they get equally valued benefits.
For example, your Dom may have you perform some domestic duties, like cooking, massaging him when after a long day, or perform small tasks, and be available for sexual use as often as needed. In return they should take care of you when you need help, like making decisions, or wants to switch off and relax, or wants to have great sex, or wants to feel safe and protected, and because you get a happy feeling by knowing you are helping them.
Different benefits. Equal weightings.
When you read any BDSM list of wants and benefits, often they appear similar to most vanilla relationships, with the addition of more kinky sexual activities. N.B. it’s not what you do but how you do it that matters. You can ask your sub to make you a cup of tea but do so in a dominant way, thereby distinguishing the task from that of a vanilla dynamic)
A fact: the imposter Doms always takes more than they give!
The issue with these people, is they don’t understand what I believe to be the fundamentals of D/s. They don’t understand it’s not all about getting your sub to do whatever you want for you with no benefit for the sub.
Notice the ‘with no benefit’ in the previous sentence. It is absolutely okay for a submissive to be in a dynamic where the Dom gets the sub to do everything for them, but only if this has been agreed to (usually in a BDSM contract) then the sub is getting their benefits.
For example, there are some Subs who absolutely enjoy being ordered around in and outside the bedroom. Their kink is that they love being at the beck and call of their Master. Taking great pleasure in knowing their place and that they are providing an excellent level of service.
I have no problem with such a dynamic.
What I take issue with is when a Fake assumes that his sub will be into this, and starts the without asking if it is what she wants. If the sub doesn’t enjoy this style of power play, then she is getting no benefits. Once again, the imposter is getting everything.
Here are some signs that you are talking to or even seeing a phoney Dom.
1. They try to dominate you immediately
From the very first conversation they will try and dominate you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a first date, or you are chatting to them on an online dating app, they will try and get you to do things for them.
This is a classic sign they don’t care about you as a person. They only want someone who they can control.
Most real Doms, and I include myself in that definition, won’t even bring up during initial conversations. They want to know the person, before talking about and kinks or fetishes.
As and when the conversation turns kinky, an experienced real Dom will be interested in your previous experience. The type of submissive you are, your likes, your dislikes, your hard and soft limits. Early in your conversation it should be you bring it up the topic.
If your only conversation is the Dom telling you what to do, it’s a sign you’re talking to a faux Dom
2. They don’t ask for consent
Communication in a BDSM relationship is fundamental to mutual enjoyment. An imposter doesn’t appreciate or care about this.
Remember, they are only in it for themselves and simply assume that as you’ve labelled yourself a sub they have the right to make you do whatever they want. Nothing could be further from the truth.
If your Dominant has not discussed boundaries with you, or is forcing you to do something you really don’t want to do, he’s a fake. Dom sub dynamics require open, authentic, honest, and sincere communication BEFORE you start to play together. I believe until honesty and trust have been established between you, nothing can happen.
3. They always try to make you do outrageous things
Thinking all you want is to be verbally abused, you’ll her phrases like: “Hi, my name is Your Master and you, miserable slut, or other phrases, will obey me at all time.” As far as an introductory message goes is pretty crap, don’t you agree? Or worse they think they can get you to do outrageous acts without having ever had a two-way conversation with you. I call this ‘The banker’s syndrome’.
You may get messages about imagining you being punished, or in a position you would never accept. All classic signs they are a phoney. These imposters don’t ask or care if humiliation was of interest to you.
As a sub you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, ever. When you are talking to them you should give your Dom specific instruction. How far you are prepared to go, safe word, and are both on the same page.
4. It’s all about them
If your phoney never attempts to pleasure you sexually; and is only concerned with getting themselves off, they’re a not real. There is the stipulation that this is fine if you have agreed to this type of activity.
They want all the sexual pleasure but don’t care about yours. Most times they’ll never reciprocate, even if you beg them, for them it’s all take, take, take.
And if you object, they’ll brand you as a ‘bad sub’, making you feel bad, even when this is untrue.
5. There is no aftercare
Any Dom unwilling to provide aftercare is a Fake. Aftercare is such an essential component of BDSM, it helps bring a sub back to the real world.
The caveat is if they tell you they are new and inexperienced, then their lack of knowledge is understandable.
But if someone is claiming to be a Dom who doesn’t understand aftercare, or won’t give a sub what she needs, even if you’ve told them, that is not acceptable. This is a colossal red flag.
6. They get angry if you don’t obey them
One of the characteristics of an experienced, good Dom is being cool, calm and collected. They must be able to operate under pressure, and to not be easily flustered. They’ll have a good understanding of their emotions and are introspective.
If a they get angry when you refuse’s to do something, then you’re dealing with an imposter. A caveat, is that there is no consented to part of your experience. The exception is that you may enjoy being shouted at as part of the Dom sub dynamic.
A real Dom will talk with you to understand what is stopping you doing what they’ve asked, help you work through it, or change the request entirely if it is coming against your hard or soft limits.
7. They don’t want feedback
The imposter/fake/ phoney won’t ever accept feedback! They won’t listen, because they believe they are the one in charge and the sub should never, ever question them. Feedback is part of you growing together and getting even more from your relationship.
Concluding how to spot a Fake
Fakes are bad news for BDSM. They don’t know what they are doing, and give us real Doms a bad name. They deter new subs by polluting the scene. They stop people entering a Dom sub relationship.
How to spot a fake, a quick recap:
• try to dominate you right away
• don’t ask for consent
• make you do outrageous things
• make it all about them
• don’t give aftercare
• get angry if you don’t obey them
• don’t want feedback
Have you encountered a Fake Dom? What made you realise they were a Fake Dom? Leave a comment below.
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Being With an Older more mature Dominant
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Posted:Nov 11, 2022 2:54 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 10:54 pm 747 Views
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Many subs first reaction to a more mature dom range from Ugh through, I wonder, to, let’s see what happens. Many don’t expected to would end up in a long term mutually rewarding relationship
In the beginning 
I had approached him initially as a potential play partner only. I had not considered really where it might lead since I was involved with someone else and so was he. It was his experience that attracted me and his photographs which showed a few of the scenarios he was able to conduct in his playroom that sparked my imagination.
My need really for varying sensations and a masochist fix was what did it. I feel sort of lowly for admitting it was my physical needs that triggered my interest, rather than my need to obey him or his ability to control me - it makes me feel as though I have times where I am some hungry animal with twisted addictions, but there you are!
I didn't really figure being his submissive or obeying him or anything into the equation at that time, it really was just about play and about us both having some fun with each other and trying to fulfil some sort of missing gap we both had in our lives.
I didn't consider it developing into a relationship either, if I had, I would have worried about the age difference and distance between us and it would have possibly made me dismiss the possibility of taking things any further or contacting him at all. I think I was less bothered about the age difference because it was me that chose to reach out and contact him than I would have been if he had contacted me.
The advantages of having an older Dominant 
Experience - it's certainly not true of every older dom, nevertheless, many will have lots more experience than many a younger man. Masters who have been around over 10 years will have their experience to fall back on of what works and what doesn't. They should have a large repertoire of skills, keeping a step ahead of their sub
Maturity - older men generally are more mature. In these days many young men are still possibly living at home with their mum or expecting a sub sort everything for them. Many younger Doms also think yelling and instant cruelty are what they have to do. If you are looking for a man you can look up to and respect you probably need an older, experienced dom.
The disadvantages of having an older Dominant 
Lets be open for a moment, age gaps can come with challenges. Being at different stages of life - having an age gap in a relationship means that you can often be at different stages of life i.e. career, family. I have pretty much accepted that we are unlikely to have as he has done that already and we are happy with the life we have together without wanting to bring that into it. But if you are a young woman this is something you need to consider when starting a relationship - what are your hopes and dreams for your future both vanilla as well as the kink - and are his compatible.
Other peoples' opinions- whether it's a kinky relationship or a non-kinky one some people just don't 'get' the idea of being with someone older. There are people who think an age difference of more than 5 years is indecent or it means you are unable to attract a man your own age and that they are somehow grooming you into something twisted. I find trying to change people opinion is a thankless task, so don’t bother.
To conclude 
When entering into any relationship it's important to think about where things might go and what direction you want to go. Sometimes though, you just can't help who you end up falling for and being enslaved to. If that happens, you need to weigh up your feelings and work out for yourselves what direction to go in.
Being with a mature master works on many levels for sub missives. They are able to share their experience and wisdom, and provided a supportive relationship. Many women find they would rather have twenty or so special years’ experience than a younger man who may find someone younger leaving their sub alone and after they have invested time and effort in the relationship.
I think the thing I'm trying to say is the hurdles faced on this subject have to be faced. Remember, it's not the opinions of other people that count, as long as your dom makes you happy and you both meet each other’s needs and desires is the only important thing.
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