Control
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Posted:Aug 24, 2007 9:15 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2009 11:38 pm 11971 Views
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It appears someone likes the way I write and, very politely, has asked me to write a blog about the topic of control. As I care about this person and feel that this is a very well chosen topic, I shall post. Hopefully, this will be the first of many posts on various topics. It is my intention to get a topic a week from this individual and post each Friday, time providing. Now that my commitment is in black and white, there is no going back.
Control has almost as many definitions as there are people using the term, especially in our environment. The dictionary definition, per Webster’s Online Dictionary, is as follows:
Control, noun, an act or instance of controlling; also: power or authority to guide or manage
That is very broad, just like the term is applied in the lifestyle, very broad. There are degrees of control ranging from a slave, with effectively no control, to a Dom/me or Master/Mistress with complete control. In the lifestyle, most fall between the two perfect extremes. Most D/s relationships set up limits or agree to safe words or have guidelines outlining what is considered appropriate play or behavior. In these instances, the submissive has relinquished some control willingly to the Dominant, granting them the authority to guide or manage their interaction.
Before I go any further, I realize this is a subject that may, no, will be controversial and not everyone will agree on the various perspectives. That is what makes us all individuals. These are MY opinions, that is all. That makes them neither right, wrong, perfect or implied that you should adopt them as your own. My desire is to generate healthy, positive discussion and perhaps interject new views for some folks to help stimulate the mind and possibly answer a few questions. I am NOT an authority and do NOT pretend that my view is correct, perfect or that anyone with different views is wrong or foolish. That said…
In my view, short of complete and utter slavery, complete control is never truly transferred. In fact, I view most D/s relationships more like a team concept. Think of a football field where the sub lays down the out of bounds lines and the Dominant gets to run the teams all over the field within those boundaries. To some of us, the lifestyle is a very serious part of who we are and helps define our lives in all aspects. While enjoyable, it is taken extremely seriously and almost all decisions are made with it in mind. Others of us find the lifestyle more of a game we play when we can and during the play time, the rules are in force and outside play, our life decisions are made without considering the lifestyle. The reason I state this is, for those that view this as a true lifestyle and all decisions involve this, when they submit, they surrender far more control to the Dominant partner than those that view this as more of a play type of thing.
Those that are in a play type mindset often find the submissive trying to ‘top from the bottom’ and if you ask many of those subs, they will grudgingly state they feel they are truly in charge of the situation. I have heard ‘he gets to do what he wants as long as it is what I want’ or ‘you should see him beg for me to go down on him’ and such from many submissives.
Like all aspects of the lifestyle, I feel that true control lies in the mind. If a Dominant establishes control of a submissives mind, very little is outside the realm of possibility and pleasure. It can even engender self-realization on the part of the submissive, revealing to them far more of their mindset then they had realized. Control of a body can be generated easily with anything from rope to shackles or even a blind fold, yet, control of the body is fleeting and ends when the tools are removed. Control of the mind is far harder to get yet tends to be a far longer lasting control, if not permanent.
What amount of control or what type of control, what limits, what restrictions, what safe guards used are all factors in determining and defining the D/s relationship. There is no right or wrong, it is what both partners seek and it is critically important that the parameters of control be established clearly and early to ensure the maximum enjoyment and potential as well as correct partnering within the lifestyle.
These are my thoughts, please, feel free to comment, expound, or even disagree. Discussion can only be good and if even one person gains some perspective or enlightenment, then the discussion was well worth the effort.
I look forward to your responses.
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