5/26 - 6/4
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 5:03 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 28680 Views
|
Day 1 Friday 5/26;
Friday started being a bad day. I was depressed. By the time I
arrived at my therapy session I was almost suicidal figuring there
was no way out for me. At the end of my session my therapist
suggested that I stay at the hospital for a few days. Waiting "I
want to go home", "I don't want to be here". It was not what I
expected. I was checked in to the psych ward. It is the Memorial Day
weekend and there would be no one to see me till Tuesday. "I don't
belong here". I was in the PSYCH WARD.
Day 2 Saturday 5/27:
My room mate snores LOUDLY, like something from a cartoon. I
couldn't' sleep for the next few days. Slow day though I had visits
from my wife and . I may be same here but I'm going crazy. All
that can be done is eat, read, write, pace, and sleep. I'm scared. I
did though have a visit from my friend J and her lady friend T.
Day 3 Sunday 5/28:
I feel uncomfortable, I can't relax. This is not doing any good.
There is nothing to do. My wife brought me some fruit, something
that has been missing. I called my friends B and T. My wife that had
been so resistant to any outward change in me started talking about
compromise.
Day 4 Monday 5/29
When my wife arrived we talked about things that she would be
willing to accept as a compromise. We talked about being ok with me
getting out more as me (away from home), also going out together
with her getting nails done, hair, shopping together (her ideas),
electrolysis, and a mild dosage of hormones (my ideas). This is
wonderful news. She needs me. I had called my friends B and T to
talk to and they wanted to come and visit, I had pushed them off
from lunchtime to dinner (my wife was originally not coming) to
Tuesday (my wife would be at work).
I did start thinking was this compromise enough will I be
living "half a life".
Day 5 Tuesday 5/30
I started thinking about the good part of my life that I can now
start living. I had an interview with the physiologist (I don't
relate well to men) it was a little hard to understand him with his
accent. The room was full of interns listening to my answers to his
questions. I was a little nervous just because I don't relate to me
and that I wanted to answer the questions correctly in order to get
out of this prison. My wife showed up unexpected, she was called for
a meeting with the doctors. I was also expecting B and T, it was to
be the first time my wife met any of the trans people that I know.
B, T, my wife and I had a nice conversation. My wife ended up really
liking and trusting them. The food is not great, I ate a half of a
turkey sandwich that my wife had brought me the day before. End of
day 5.
Day 6 Wednesday 5/31
The thing is that if you are going to be released is that they tell
you about it the day before. So I knew that I was not going to get
out on Wednesday. As usual there is not much to do. Exercise
therapy, recreational therapy (in other words go for a walk outside,
the first time I had been out since Friday). I talked to the doctor,
I never know if I say the right thing. My stress and anxiety over my
relationship is starting to life but I have to et our of here to
feel any better. I'm a caged animal. I'm eating junk, chicken
nuggets for dinner, cookies for snacks. Twice a day they test my
blood sugar because I am pre diabetes. There are many different
people here some you can talk to and some you can't. I will tell you
about on woman that seemed rational; I tried to talk to her for an
hour. She was just very hear to reach, she has given up on life she
says that she no quality of life. When she left the next day she
gave me a hug, maybe I did reach here a little.
Day 7 Thursday 6/1
My room mate left on Wednesday so I had a night without snoring. I
was thinking about my future, my fulfillment as a woman. I have been
trying to deny it for so long. I always feel giddy (for lack of a
better word) when someone refers to me as her or by my REAL name,
Amy. My therapist came to see me and we talked for about 15 mins. To
cut the story short I stayed over one more night. I had a therapy
group downstairs and an appointment with the therapist in the
morning. Why can't I be "normal?" The fire alarm went off just at
dinner arrived. We had to wait 45 minuets in the hall before we
could eat. Needles to say it was cold. But it also was one of the
best meals. I had to walked down to the group, it was like a
prisoner transfer.
The topic of the group naturally focused on depression and suicide.
I told my story of the week and each told a little of their
experiences. It all comes back to you have to be true to yourself. I
don't know how anything is going to be right.
Day 8 Friday 6/2
I was watching a bird outside my window (still in my prison) with
wonderment, marveling how perfectly nature had planned its
existence. How it changed direction so quickly as it was sitting on
the wire fence. I wonder what it could be thinking. The human race
is cursed with too much though. Why can't we exist like the birds
and just be happy. I signed some papers, was released, went to my
appointment with the therapist, and went home.
The weekend
I told my wife my name, Amy. I told her about this TG party that is
held every 6 weeks and asked her is she had a problem if I wanted to
go. Since she knew that B and T were going she was ok with it. We
went out shopping and bought some clothes for me (2 skirt and 2
blouses). I decided to wear the dress I already had. I showed her
some of the things I has previously bought. Things may ok after all.
But we will worry about the future in the future.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
May 19 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 5:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27829 Views
|
I went to see my new gender therapist today it went very well. I like her very much. This is the help that I need. I realize that my current therapist was helping me but I think that this will be better. I plan to go to the group threapy sessions on Thursdays. I feel that I'm more optimistic about the future.
The World is a little brighter.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
May 15 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 5:01 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27854 Views
|
I have been trying to work things out with my wife but realize that this will be hard to do. She reconized how unhappy I have been living as I am. She is still fighting to keep our lives together. I want that too but can't spend the rest of my life as I am. We want the same thing but are fighting against nature. It's a struggle against my heart and my mind, my inside and my outside. Perhaps the worst is yet to come. It seems no matter which way I turn I loose something.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
May 7 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 5:01 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27815 Views
|
Life is hard. Why can't everything be easy. I'm reaching the crossroads. Well I don't know at all what to do.
But here is a picture of me from Friday 5-5-06
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
May 7 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:57 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27926 Views
|
I talked to my last night and told him everything. He gave me a hug and said that he still loves me no matter what.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
April 20
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27813 Views
|
My first day out.
One of the best days of my life.
The two highlights were looking at me in the dressing room mirror in my new dress.
I was beaming. I know who I am.
And later having my picture taken by my friend wearing that dress out in front of her house a mom walking by in the street pushing a stroller said
"Look at the pretty lady".
On cloud 9.
Shopping at Payless shoes and Fashon Bug I bough 2 pairs of shoes, 2 tops and this summer dress for a total of $54.
The out for a bite to eat at the diner.
Out for the first time and I didn't flinch for a second, I was me why should I.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
April 18
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27938 Views
|
Maybe because it's spring, maybe because of the medication, maybe because I'm ME today, but probably because I know what to do I'm Happy Today!!!!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
April 17 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 28112 Views
|
I think that I have come to some decisions in my life. I feel better for it. I've been listening to music at my desk at work. I have not felt like doing that in many months. Maybe it has something to do with spring as well. I'm feeling optimistic about the future.
Time will tell if the decisions that I have made are going to work out OK.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
April 10 2006
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:54 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27758 Views
|
After a two hiatus I'm back online.
What did I learn about myself?
I'm still compiling the thoughts in my head.
Amy
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
March 27
|
Posted:Jun 19, 2006 4:53 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 12:9 pm 27828 Views
|
My therapist suggested the following;
Meds,
Take charge of my life,
Physiologist,
Stay away from emails and chatting for one or two weeks to see if I can survive on my own.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
