Checking in...i AM alive!
|
Posted:Sep 25, 2010 4:29 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 7:29 am 7410 Views
|
well here i am... many months later, and with a new name. i've been living with my Master now for about 5 months, and we have only grown closer. i am very happy...and very loved. my Master has so much patience lol i'm not sure how He puts up with me sometimes. i've made new friends, settled in more in the area, and am generally feeling good.
many blessings
~bound...echo
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To: you know who you are (part 2)...
|
Posted:May 20, 2010 5:21 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2010 3:52 pm 7419 Views
|
I take it back.
The "fuck you," that is.
Some time ago someone very wise taught me...forgiveness is not for those who offend...but for those who are offended.
I am hurt. I am humiliated. But, nothing can change the past...
Nothing can give me back the time...the investment of my heart in someone I thought was genuine...nothing can change what was.
But I will have to let it go...
to let you go...
So that my hands can be open to recieve what will be...
So, I take it back.
Love always...
~bound.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
So Easily Forgotten
|
Posted:Apr 27, 2010 5:33 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 7:29 am 7174 Views
|
It can be really hard for someone with an abandonment complex to let go of people in their own life -- it's not just that they fear being abandoned, but they fear being forgotten. Recently, it seems like a few of the people in my life who I really care or cared about are choosing to disappear..back off..flip a switch and emotionally shut me out...for various reasons. It hurts..and I struggle with recognizing when it is and when it is not about me being "bad" or "not worth their time." When someone walks out of my life, I think of it as a failure on my part to be good enough for them to stay. This tends to get complicated, because sometimes I should be the one walking away...and I don't, because walking away is failing.
I don't think I have ever forgotten a single person who I have had to walk away from -- and that's not many people. I wonder, sometimes, if the people who walk away from me still remember me later on. I am trying to understand how sometimes it is necessary...even beneficial...for people to part ways, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it.
Anyway, that's it for tonight.
~bound
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Moving NOW! :)
|
Posted:Apr 22, 2010 1:21 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 7:29 am 7243 Views
|
I'm all packed. My cat and I are sitting here resting for a few before we trek on over to my Master's for the evening. I swear I threw out more stuff than I kept! Tomorrow we pack up the truck - and Saturday is the actual move.
Found out that all my stuff in my closet was COVERED in mold - had to throw it all out. I'm soooo glad to be moving out of this moldy basement. I'll finally have a kitchen! and a porch! and even a woodburning fireplace. We're even going out to buy some fishies this weekend 
My Master says that things are going to change - that my training begins now. Not sure what it will be like entirely. I'm nervous but also excited. All I can say now, I guess is...here we go!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
What if I Fail?
|
Posted:Apr 20, 2010 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2010 1:17 pm 7415 Views
|
Will I still be good enough?
Will I still be worth something?
Will I ever be able to succeed?
Will it make me a bad person?
Will it make me ugly? Worthless?
Can I fail without being a failure?
Is it worth the risk of failing?
Is it worth the hurt? The loss?
What happens if I fail?
What happens if I screw up?
Is every mistake a failure?
What is failure?
Your definition or mine?
What if I don't try?
What if I don't fail?
What if I also...don't succeed?
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Can't jump the track
|
Posted:Apr 18, 2010 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2010 2:49 pm 7585 Views
|
You'll recognize this...
"You can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table...
no one can find the rewind button girl...
so cradle your head in your hands...
and breathe...
just breathe...
ooh breathe
just breathe..."
In just a few short days, I will officially move in with my Master. We've only been together for 5 months, but this is the next step, I guess. I'm so scared, so nervous, so anxious...so unsure.
My Master says things will change. Of course they'll change! I'll no longer have that knowing in the back of my mind that if I'm THAT upset, I can just leave and go home. That security net will be taken away...
I have nearly begged for this to end every day this week. I don't know if it's fear of commitment, or just fear of the unknown...maybe both. But reality is setting in...this is going to happen..very very soon.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
PMDD - Here's how I work
|
Posted:Mar 9, 2010 3:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2010 4:35 pm 7551 Views
|
I was talking to a friend of mine today and had one of my classic panic...outbursts...typical of "this week"...and afterwards, trying to pick up the pieces, he asked me to explain it to him. Explain what happens. Because he didn't get it when I said..no no it's nothing YOU did..you didn't trigger it. No one gets it.
I was finally able to explain it in a way that made sense...both to my friends...and to me. It's something I've had a really hard time putting into words... But here's how it works.
My panic...is not triggered by anything. It just happens. And when it happens, I start looking for the cause. So, say I am talking to 2 different people when one of these panic episodes comes on. For the sake of making this really clear, say person 1 is a girl and person 2 is a guy. So I'm talking to these people and all of the sudden I'm in panic mode and I'm going "why?? why am I freaking out?"
So I think, first, it's because I'm jealous of the girl... and I start reacting to that... being mean to her.. pulling out things from the past... but I'm still panicking, so that can't be the cause, right? Because it's not helping! So I think, no, it's because she hurt me this one time...so I bring that up...and I argue about it again... but that's also not helping! So I think, no, it's because I used to have feelings for the guy I'm talking to... and oh god, what if I'm not over him? So I bring that up...and I get upset...but it's not helping I'm just feeling worse and worse, so I think, no, it's because I'm mad about something he did, so I yell at him about something he did... but it's STILL not helping so I think no... it's because I hate myself! So I start thinking of all the things about myself that are not good enough...all the mistakes I've made which might be causing this! All the potential mistakes I might have made...
Finally...finally... It's like a rubber band snaps...and I cry maybe..or I blog...or I just..calm down, eventually... and I look at everything I've said...and it's completely not true! But I've made this horrible mess by bringing up all this stuff in an attempt to figure out what was causing my completely irrational panic. But I've said all this stuff and I can't take it back...and now the girl thinks she caused this..or she thinks I'm a total bitch. And the guy thinks he caused this...or thinks I'm a total psycho.
And that's how it works. Over and over and over again.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
screaming
|
Posted:Mar 4, 2010 5:58 pm
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2010 10:47 am 7396 Views
|
...even while i'm screaming at you
i'm screaming for you...
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
