New Is Not An Excuse
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Posted:Sep 14, 2023 10:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2023 6:18 am 12147 Views
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When a D/S partnership is going great, it is like the dominant is a superhero for their submissive and the submissive is a superhero to their D-type. While this is amazing, there is another superpower that is not a good thing and it afflicts the lifestyle community. It does not matter if it is in-person, on Tumblr, FetLife, or any other site in the kink neck of the woods and this superpower is predators sniffing out new submissives.
Those who look to prey upon the new to the lifestyle submissive look for someone who is overeager, giving off that new submissive smell coupled with a lack of desire to be cautious and learn carefully. While there is nothing wrong with being new, eager, anxious to explore, and submissive but before someone leaps into the deep end of the D/S dating pool, it is imperative that they can swim effortlessly. Remember this ‘community’ pool does not come with lifeguards, life-jackets, and predators ARE lurking, waiting for someone new to jump off the high dive.
Invest in learning all about the lifestyle. What you do not know CAN hurt you.
When you write a profile, about me a blurb, or any other little ditty where you share about yourself to the kinkerrific world, please leave the words I am new, inexperienced, or any other words that inform others that you are a newbie to the lifestyle. You can share that with those you choose to connect with but saying those words in such a public way is like jumping into a shark tank filled with chum where those majestic beasts have not been fed in a week. The predatory sharks will be lining up to try to take a bite out of you.
It can appear to be very easy to find dominant ‘friends’ as they will seek you out but find, and befriend fellow submissives so you have a safe place to get quality feedback, information, and conversation. Many dominants are indeed good humans who truly only wish to be helpful, however, some will attempt to use ‘friendship’ to manipulate/prey upon the newly minted submissive.
Learn about the lifestyle, learn about yourself, and learn how it all fits together for you in your life. Even if someone is new, they must have thoughts and ideas of how the lifestyle will fit them. If they are unsure of how any of the puzzle pieces of dating, the lifestyle, and life fit together, they are not ready for the kinky dating pool. I do not mean someone has to have all the answers or the puzzle finished but they have to a solid start on this life-sized, piece-by-piece adventure.
Stop being in a rush. There is no hurry to date, find a dominant, and start planning the happily ever after. All good things come in time but you have to invest your time growing personally in the lifestyle and developing your own knowledge base.
Even though it is a ‘lifestyle relationship’, people must remember it is still a relationship. Just because Daddy Don Juan and Natalie Newbie have the same kinks, they still must have all of the normal, vanilla pieces of the relationship puzzle to fit together. Partnerships are unions between people and are not created by a simple matching of fetishes.
Remember the saying that were taught about a ‘stranger danger’? Well in the lifestyle rather than a creepy person with candy and a van, we have a trainer danger. Submissives do NOT need a dominant to teach them how to be submissive. It is imperative to learn the ‘ropes’ through education and building solid friendships. Investing in your personal lifestyle growth will teach you much more than the ‘lifestyle trainer’ (even if he has candy, whips, chains, and a van).
Do not fear the in-person community. Sometimes people live in places where there is a lifestyle desert but most people live within an area where there are lifestyle get-togethers. Go out, attend a munch (a purely vanilla event held in public spaces, restaurants/coffee shops), and make real-world connections with others involved in the lifestyle.
A person’s submission is their gift to give and no one can take, demand, or claim it, although predators will try. Submission MUST be freely given and because of this submissives have the ultimate power in a lifestyle partnership because they can say no/revoke their submission at any time. This lifestyle requires CONSENT, please do not forget this.
It Can Happen To You! It is great to be trusting but always, ALWAYS verify and remember your safety is your responsibility. Bad things do happen to good people but more often bad things happen to good people because they made poor decisions. Stay smart, trust your intuition, and always err on the side of safety. Do not be arrogant and think bad things will not happen to you.
©TLK2020
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Where Did Common Sense Go In This Lifestyle?
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Posted:Sep 13, 2023 3:10 am
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2023 11:58 pm 12484 Views
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I know that common sense is now one of the most uncommon of things but I was tumbling around and came upon one of those wonderful little steps by step guides that are often reblogged zillions upon zillions of times. I understand that what I am going to say today may be seen by some as harsh and possibly even uncaring but nonetheless, I am going to speak my mind. So what is on my mind today is when it comes to seeking a relationship within the lifestyle it is incumbent upon the person considering ‘dating’ to use their brain. Attention guys, I am discussing the one that is on your shoulders because we all know that some men struggle to think with the proper head. Hum, maybe that is why there is such a proliferation of cock shots randomly rolling into inboxes as these guys see a meme saying “Send me a naughty picture of your intelligence” and since they are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, send their penis as it is bigger than their brain? Anyway back to my thought, the little ditty that caught my eye was one of those that expresses how to spot a faux d-type.
Now there is nothing wrong with offering advice and thoughts on how to spot dominance and it is good for new people to read other’s mistakes, and learn from them, rather than repeat the same errors, However, the words of the comedian Ron White, “You can’t fix stupid”. There are times I wish we could just remove warning labels from everyday products to thin out some of the senseless that surrounds all of us, such as the person who needs the warning on their hairdryer to not use while in the shower, takes their hemorrhoid cream orally, or needs the sign at the community pool stating “do not breath underwater”. Then again, maybe that would not be a good idea to deep-six those warning labels as it would probably lead to a general breakdown of governments worldwide since politicians would start dropping like flies.
Okay back to my thought of who are these people.
Who in their mind would think that it is acceptable for a stranger to start a conversation by sending a picture of their penis? Did I miss the memo on how to meet someone while grocery shopping that proclaims it is good form to whip out your wang while complimenting someone’s choice in melons? I would be willing to bet that even the newest of newbie submissives know that the size, girth, or looks of a manchild’s baloney pony has zero to do with what kind of dominant they are, let alone what kind of person they are. Is it time we let anyone who believes todgers relate to the lifestyle learn this lesson the ‘hard’ way?
On the flip side of this pecker problem, are the guys who think that when a stranger, who is supposedly a woman, starts a conversation leading with pictures of boobs and/or their naughty bits is a woman. Seriously guys, when has a woman you do not know from Eve, approached you, and lifted their shirt to show you ‘the girls’ while starting a conversation to get to know you? Online is not that different than real life here because ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine, nine percent of women just do not think this way. So Mr. Stunned-By-Boobies, when you get surprise ta-ta’s in your inbox, a word of advice, they are from a guy trolling to take advantage of someone like you because once you see kibbles and bits you lose their mind. Maybe these guys need to learn this lesson the ‘hard’ way too?
So I am sorry but I need to keep being a dick and talk more about random Richards. People are warned to be wary of those who use a picture of their schlong as their profile picture or avatar. If someone is showing the world their wiggle worm, who believes a penis avatar, limp or ragingly hard, is a universal sign for wanting deep conversations, walks on the beach, holding hands, all while building a lasting, loving, lifestyle relationship? Oh, wait, I know, these people must be about to blow dry their hair while still in the shower.
Okay, ready for a facepalm? The ditty says if a daddy does not give out rules right away they might be a faux dominant. Holy hockey puck Batman, what kind of crap is this. However, on the flip side, what person receives a few messages and thinks, oh it is a super swell idea to start doing whatever this stranger says too because we have had two hours of conversation about how great my boobies are plus his twinkie winky is pretty. I bet if these people had a break from doing whatever idiotic task they have been assigned, they would send an email to the Preparation H people asking if they could make it cherry-flavored, complaining it has not alleviated their pain but gosh darn, they can whistle well now.
Lastly, this little jingle warns us that if a d-type is not interested in learning about the lifestyle and keeps talking simply about sex, they might be a fake. So what you are saying, is if a person has sex, sex, and more sex on their brain, that it might be all they want? Wow, that is mind-blowing information. I know it may seem uncaring of me but who are the people that think that if someone only talks about bow chicka wow wow and nothing else, they want to have a powerful relationship and not a hump and dump? Possibly the people who need this advice are just returning home from the pool, where they are on a first-name basis with the lifeguards, and are so thankful for the new sign advising them to not breathe underwater.
I realize that all of us, myself included, have done absurdly stupid things, made huge errors in judgment, and thankfully survived. It is just making me cringe today that so many people appear to have checked their common sense into the overhead bin as they boarded a flight to Doltsville. As Mr. Gump said, “My mama says that stupid is as stupid does” and maybe it is time to back off somewhat and allow stupid to do whatever stupid wants in the hopes that it is a fleeting moment of ignorance that will trigger common sense to be reincarnated.
©TLK2020
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Why she wants to be a submissive - The Importance of Submission( Quite Long)
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Posted:Sep 12, 2023 6:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2023 9:27 am 10006 Views
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In my conversations with submissive women, one thing stands out prominently and that is very few men realize the importance that submission holds for her. It is far more than a physical experience, it is an emotional connection with you so meaningful that it contains her very soul. Though d/s is often very light and spontaneous and sometimes treated as a special sensual playtime, for her it is what is most real in her life. It is NOT a game. To treat it as such is to do her a great injustice for it trivializes her greatest expression of love.
Not all women want to be a 24/7 slavegirl. This manual is written for the man lucky enough to have found a woman who does. In it, I will try and express as many of her submissive feelings as I can and give you ideas on how to treat her so she feels that being your slave is an intrinsic and natural part of her daily life with you, just as much as it has already been an intrinsic element of her being.
Submission is Erotic
Before I get lost in some of the reasons why being submissive is such a powerful desire, I want to make the point that being submissive is extremely erotic. It touches her sexuality in the most powerful way and when combined with all the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of a relationship, it can often be the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience a woman can ever have. In fact, many women have confided in me that they are afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy. They fear they should reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a slavegirl they will not be understood. Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement. As her Master, it should be your pleasure to extract each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.
When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion, to take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for. She is depending on you, her Master, to give her the push to get beyond any resistance you may encounter.
Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Dom is essential. If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself. She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone. As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.
Though changing rapidly, most women have been raised to be ashamed of their sexual feelings. Being with a Dom who treasures a woman’s natural sexuality enough to go far beyond where the most stop is an extremely liberating experience for her. It also touches upon her desire to be able to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing her falsely imposed conditioning. Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Dom wants her to.
As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you. From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy. It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally…
Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her. If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it. “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself. If you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her. In this way, you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.
Being Taken Care of
“I always found the d/s articles to be the most exciting. I found the men - their strength and command - highly erotic. I thought that being that “taken care of” must have been the most wonderful thing in the world. The Doms I talk to are forever asking me about this, I always tell them it’s not the ritual (though I like the ritual) or the punishment that I’m looking for, it’s the freedom to not have to be in control, to not have responsibility. I guess that’s because, in most of my social circles, I’m the person who’s expected to have all the answers.“
A woman wants a man to be strong and to protect and watch over her. She wants to be able to relax in the safety of his arms and the world that he creates for her. If you can do that for a woman, you will see something inside her blossom and grow, and you will marvel at the treasure you have discovered that was always inside her but which she never felt safe to reveal, so afraid was she that it would not be appreciated for the incredible gift which it is.
Knowing she has your Love and Care and Attention
Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself. If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined. When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening. The first is that you care enough for her to correct her. It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.
If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you. If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, Your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed. You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention. This lack of attention may touch many emotions in her going back to her childhood years…
This is an area where the formality of the d/s roles can enhance a relationship in incredible ways. As the Dom, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you. If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you, it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything. The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention, and the happier she will be.
Stripping away the Pretenses
“The real experience seems to me to be when the Dom and the sub (each in his or her own way) reveal themselves to each other completely with total trust that they will be accepted EXACTLY where they are at. We do not have the right to expect our person to admire every single trait of ours, but we do have a right to unconditional love. “We can find people who are pretending they are someone other than who they are anywhere, The whole point of d/s is to strip away the pretense, the little secrets about ourselves that we are convinced that nobody could ever love us if they knew about.”
The following short exchange may give you a better idea of how the exchange of power and her trust in you lets you find her true essence:
Me: It’s all an exchange of power. The sub has lots of control, but the thrill is in giving that up in order to go to new places inside herself.
Her: Honestly… I don’t believe that in a good d/s relationship, the sub is in control. My Master taught me that he could make me want things that I swore, initially that I had no interest in wanting. He really did control me, because he found
the "me" I couldn’t always find myself.
A Transition to the other side of Oneself
One marvelous aspect of submission is that it is a wonderful way to escape from yourself. The transition to that other side of your personality can be very exciting and sometimes difficult, but that’s part of the thrill. During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another. For example, there may be a big difference in one’s personality at work as compared to home. Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted. One of the great attractions to d/s is this balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.
At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carry a great deal of responsibility. Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the . If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude. When she can become your slavegirl, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life. She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after. Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care.
Being a Master
If you truly want to be a Master, you will do everything in your power to enable your woman to be who she really is, and that is a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it. Few men deserve the title of Master and part of what it takes is a true love of women and an appreciation of their intelligence, sensuality, and passion for life, and then to have the strength and confidence to bring out the best in her. Please, if you love her, make her life as your slave as complete and as real as you can.
She cannot be Submissive if you are not Dominant
One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your slavegirl feels that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims. If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel. In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way. Remember that this manual is written for the sub who wants her submission to be a daily part of her life and the more she feels she is under your control and care, the happier a slavegirl she will be. It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship. It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an “imposition” on her. The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.
Never forget that her desire to please her Master is an essential element of her submission. Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it’s for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own. Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible. If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn’t work. She wants to be your slave, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.
Recognizing her efforts to Please
“The most "protected and cared for” I ever felt was when my Dom called me “princess” (I wonder if that is something going back to childhood…)“ If there is one single-most favorite phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is "Good Girl”. She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged. It is very difficult for men to understand that pleasing the man she loves is one of the greatest pleasures in her life. It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression. By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you.
Difficulty in Asking
You must take the initiative with her. If she has to “ask” you to control her, it once again puts her in charge and does not allow her to feel submissive. As a Master, you get to indulge yourself in what *you* want! Give yourself permission to act on your whim of the moment. Believe me, to a sub, this is when it all becomes very real and meaningful to her. There will be no doubt in her mind that you want her for *yourself* and whether or not she enjoys it is secondary. Only in this way can she feel that she truly belongs to you and is there to serve you. If you are going to experiment in taking charge, err on the side of being more controlling than less. I can’t tell you how many women I have complained that their Masters don’t give them the control and supervision they crave. Remember, your control is a demonstration of taking care of her and your discipline is proof that you are paying attention and will insist she does what is best for herself.
How to make her feel Owned
The feeling of being owned is one of the most secure and desired feelings a sub can have. She wants to be reminded at all times that you are in control of her and that she is safe and watched over under your command. She *wants* you to be strong for her, so she can grow under your care and guidance. Think for a moment of the potential of your relationship with a woman who loves and trusts you so much that she wants to be *owned* by you… What closer bond can you have?
There are many ways to make her feel that she belongs to you and I will share with you some of my favorites. Ask her often, “Who do you belong to?” Not only does this strengthen the depth of your relationship but many women have told me it is very erotic for them to be told to touch and name different parts of their body and then tell you it belongs to you.
Here’s a quote that will make this clearer: “Personally I *love* it when various parts of my anatomy are called upon. For example, during a spanking, I like to be reminded that this is Master’s bottom and he can do as he wishes with it.”
How you address each other can also be a confirmation of your roles. For example, calling her by a pet name can indicate your position of authority while requiring her to refer to you with some title of respect such as Sir or Master further emphasizes her submission. Being “owned” is a total experience. It means she is subject to your whims at any time and no reason is necessary beyond the fact it is something you want. For her, there is great excitement and anticipation in being used for your pleasure and never knowing what your next command or task may be. She may be fully clothed and busy one moment and naked and kneeling before you the next….
The Importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind
A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness. Listen to the quality of her voice change the moment she knows you are actively controlling her. You may find it grows softer and quieter as she lets slip away the more assertive aspects of her personality, showing you that vulnerable young girl within. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal. This state of deep submission is sometimes referred to as subspace. It is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her. You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual. Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.
Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive headspace. It lets her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her. Try telling her firmly to be in your study at a certain time without saying why. In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things. Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it. See how this works?
There is an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive. Position and symbology play a great part. Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar. A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love, and commitment and should be treated with great respect. When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her. It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.
Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.
I like to enhance her state of submission with the use of a unique perfume. Have her wear it each time you have a special scene with her. In this way, the scent becomes identified with her submission, and the next time she smells it, she will be more easily transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.
Attention to Detail
Your attention to detail is important. You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her. Beyond that, it has several other purposes. Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her everyday thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her. As her Master, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats. This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.
Limits and Rules
The Desire for Structure A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this. If her parents act inconsistently with her, it can often create the longing to know where she stands in relation to them and what is expected from her. Never knowing what is acceptable and what is not can be a very confusing situation for a . By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.
Testing Limits
Setting rules and limits for your slavegirl is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for. As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs – even unconsciously – to test her limits. This is an extremely important point. If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care. She can’t feel safe within your limits if the limits are not there or are vague. This testing process is something that never really stops though at first, she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through. The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.
A submissive woman *wants* a strong Master, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed. It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is. The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Masters are not “strict” enough. Inconsistency on your part is seen by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak man.
Be Consistent
Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told. If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real. If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real. It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.
Some Examples of Rules and Limits
The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself. I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better. This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them. Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs. I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.
Household chores are a good starting point. Make a list of daily chores for her and see that they are done such as making the bed, all kitchen dishes put away, etc. Hold frequent inspections. Remember, she will need to test you very much at first, and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it – which will be a tremendous relief to her.
Here is a quote that shows the sub's desire for having rules: “I am very good at "rules”… I like to feel like the man has control in many ways. Not in my work life or who I can talk to and such but in our personal relationship. Little things like what I am to wear when with him… or certain behaviors I am supposed to follow… my Dom used to have me kneel as soon as we were alone together and riding in the car I was to always have my skirt hiked up. “
Spankings and Discipline
It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline. She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them. If there is no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for. Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you. It makes your control of her very real. There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment. Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the "punishment” aspect is just a pretense.
Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment. For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a punishment” in any form.
However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this. We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub. If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one and the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.
Due to society's generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”. It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to wrongdoing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.
The Desire to Be Perfect
There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”. Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of. I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy. Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way. “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful… but I think given these "gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…“
A submissive woman like this wants to be "pushed” into making a greater effort with herself. She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality. To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment. As her Master, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her. You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her meet her own personal goals. If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she is “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself. In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her your love and care.
Here is a quote from a woman who loves the thought of being punished for not meeting her own standards of behavior for herself.
“One of my fantasies is to have someone in my life just for the purpose of correcting my faults. He would make me keep a list of all my misbehaviors. Being lazy at work, or late. Eating junk food, or not going to the gym. Being rude to people unnecessarily. I would have to keep a list, and once a week he would come and read the list. Or more. And he would make me describe each incident, he would lecture me about it, would establish a separate punishment for each offense on the list. And I would be told over and over what I’m being punished for or would be required to recite it to him. Twelve swats of the paddle for this. Six strokes of the cane for that, you know. He would read them off the list in random order, call me out of the corner at any moment to take my next licking, and send me back to the corner afterward.”
This is one of my favorite quotes because it so clearly illustrates the connection between behavior and punishment. There is no doubt in her mind about why she is being punished and she accepts her punishment knowing how much it will help her to improve her behavior in the future.
For a sub, it is quite a luxury to have a disciplinarian in their life and to not have to rely solely on their own willpower. We all have chores to do that are not particularly enjoyable and if left undone it weighs on our minds and becomes a burden. As her Master, you can provide the “incentive” she needs to get what needs to be done finished and out of the way so it does not hang over her and drain her energy.
The thought and anticipation of being punished for not doing something is often extremely exciting and this enables the sub to tap into her sexual energy to complete her chores. For example, scrubbing the kitchen floor is not much fun but the knowledge that she’s in for a good spanking if it’s not completed can add tremendous sexual energy to her task.
You can also assist her in this by telling her that her work will be “inspected” and if not found adequate she’ll be disciplined. By the way, the word “inspection” is a very *hot* trigger for most subs. Knowing her work will be reviewed helps her to focus on the task at hand to do the kind of quality job she really wants to do but has to struggle with finding sufficient energy.
Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness
Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior. This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical. This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention. When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven, and then happily move on.
Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings
Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental headspace for taking one. In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never to punish her for something left unclear. Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them. If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.” Another caution here is about being consistent. If you punish her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles. She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* – this is extremely important.
Preparing her for Punishment
A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her. Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable. Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment. You may want to have her strip in advance and go to the corner to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse. Or, you may want to have her place herself face down on the bed with a pillow under her hips and paddle beside her. If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you come into the room and then check her for wetness.
You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future. This is important as it keeps the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased for not getting it done.
The focus of a punishment spanking is less on her pleasure (even though it will at least initially be very exciting) so you may want to give her less of a warm-up than usual before increasing the intensity of the spanking. If you tell her in advance how many strokes she is to be given it may help her to endure the spanking knowing when the end will come. If this is the second spanking for the same offense, be sure to increase the number of spanks so she gets the idea that a future lapse will be met with more severity.
As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking, she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner! The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her. After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.
Some alternate punishments may be requiring her to write a certain number of punishment lines. This is more of a childhood punishment but is very effective as it has less eroticism connected with it than a spanking.
How to enjoy your slave (in ways she or she’ll love)
Here are some suggestions on how to enjoy your slavegirl, get your way, and at the same time emphasize the depths of her submission.
Exploring Embarrassment
One wonderful aspect of d/s is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety. When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her. As her Master, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible. Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. One point to keep in mind is not to intrude upon the privacy of other people who do not understand the kinds of exploration that goes on in a d/s relationship. Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one who knows the real reason she is acting as she is.
Positions
There is a direct connection between your sub's physical position and her mental/emotional state. Kneeling before you will instantly put her in a submissive state. Have fun exploring positions and be sure she maintains the proper position and keeps good posture at all times. If you are relaxing on the couch reading or watching TV, call her over to you, perhaps you will use a “pet” name for her as a signal that she is now your slavegirl and has no choice but to obey. Tell her to kneel at your feet for a while and that she is not to move or speak until given permission. Have her pay attention to her posture, and if she slouches give her a correction of some kind. Perhaps putting her over your lap for a few quick spanks before having her resume her position or by simply giving her nipples a few pinches. Of course, the next time she gets careless with her posture, the correction will be a bit stronger. In this way, she will know that she is there just for you and that though you don’t feel it necessary to be actively engaged with her, she also knows that you are paying attention to her and enjoying her company.
Another suggestion would be to put her on their shoulders and knees in front of you and bare her bottom. She is your slavegirl and if you want to enjoy her feminine charms you may at any time. You might also tell her to reach back and spread her cheeks so you can better enjoy the sight of your little pleasure slave. If you wish, tease her a little with some caresses and then go back to your book or television program.
One of my favorite activities is to have a crop handy and on occasion to give her a few nice swats for no reason other than you enjoy seeing a few stripes on her cheeks. She will LOVE this and it makes clear that you enjoy giving her these sensations as much as she loves receiving them. I’m sure you will notice an instant sexual reaction to being subject to your control in this way. Crops are wonderful because not only can you redden her bottom with them, but you can also use them to tease and caress her pussy. Alternate a few more strokes with pleasuring her and then as a wonderful embarrassment, moisten the tip of the crop with her wetness and gently press it against her lips and have her lick it clean. In this way, she has to admit to herself how excited she is by what you are doing to her. You are reminding both her and yourself of how much she loves being your slavegirl and she no longer has to “hide” the intensity of her sexual reactions to being your slave.
Focusing her Attention
To send her even deeper in her submission, focus her attention. For example, while she is still on her shoulders and knees, balance the crop across her hips and tell her she is to not let it fall. So now, not only is she in this sexual and submissive position, but she must concentrate on obeying *your* command and this lets her focus on you and allows her to demonstrate just how important obeying you is to her. Of course, I don’t need to tell you what should happen if she does squirm and lets the crop fall, do I? The only question here is does she get just six strokes or twelve? A very erotic example of focusing her attention is to instruct her to keep her nipples hard for you during a specific playtime.
Focusing her attention on you is very important for it lets her draw on her real desire to please you by being a good slavegirl. This is both a challenge to her and also something she very much wants to do. Much of the formality of d/s is to find ways you can both very clearly express your care for each other.
A Sweet Torment
Another very exciting idea is to place her in this shoulders and knees position and to play with her sexually. Enjoy her slight moans of pleasure for a while and then firmly tell her she is not to make any sound at all as you continue to tease and caress her. Be very clear that if she breaks your rule, there will be a consequence… Such a sweet torment, isn’t it? If she reaches the level of excitement where she does let a moan of pleasure escape her, you have the choice of going back to your book for a time leaving her to await your touch or to “punish” her with a nice spanking before resuming. This is the kind of spanking that I personally love the most. It is a “punishment” for moaning, but it is also for her pleasure and yours. Of course, the spanking will only excite her all the more and make it even more difficult to keep silent as you instructed – but that’s the whole idea!
Ice
Since I like this image so much, I’ll continue a bit further! The next time she moans, have her bring you some ice cubes and then get back in position. If her bottom is sufficiently warm at this point slowly rub the ice cube over her reddened cheeks. For many women, this is an exquisite sensation. Just a quick aside here… this is a good example of something she may *want* to experience but cannot ask for. This is where your strength, initiative, and creativity as a Master all come into play. Don’t be afraid to experiment with giving her new sensations.
As the ice becomes smoother, rub it slowly over her inner lips and pussy. You may choose to insert it into her vagina or if it is sufficiently small and smooth slide it slowly into her tight little bottom.
Asking Permission
Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission. The more her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase. One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom. This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both. If she blushes, it’s a good sign!
If you take her out to a restaurant take away her menu and decide on her meal yourself. This will not only increase her submission to you but also relieve her of having to make a decision for herself.
Another very romantic and even more embarrassing experience for her would be to order nothing for her and then feed her from your own plate. From time to time, place a tasty morsel on your fork and have her lean forward to take it from your hand. I think this is a very sweet way for her to feel close and dependent upon you.
It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission. She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her. It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.
Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission. By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.
You may want to try holding her right at the edge of a climax and then order her to come for you in a commanding tone of voice. You may find this has a remarkable effect. Some women have the ability to be trained to climax on command and there are various techniques that can be used to accomplish this though I won’t go into them in this document.
Pulling her Hair
One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled. Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience. For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction. Call her over to you and caress her hair for a moment before gathering it up in your hands and firmly pulling her face toward you for a passionate kiss – she will melt in a puddle on the floor!
Treating her as a Cherished Pet
Many submissive women love being treated as a pet. We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet – not at all degrading. Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they? Try this on a special evening together. Have her undress and kneel before you. Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it. Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission. Instead, she must meow and purr to you.
One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her. Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention. Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…
It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand. Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place. As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture. Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…
A theme such as this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives. It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of .
Like all my writings, this is more for myself than anyone else. Dominance and submission (D/s) has always been a part of my life, both my greatest torment when not understood by either myself or those I shared my thoughts with, and finally, the source of greatest contentment and pride when I finally realized how beautiful and loving an exchange it is. In a way, it is impossible to describe or explain it to another unless that person has the creativity and capacity to see its full potential to draw two people so close together that *everything* they have inside of them can be revealed and that is when they can be loved unconditionally and completely.
The only rule to d/s is that there are no rules. What each sub wants is different and takes varying forms. I am writing this with a particular sub in mind, and that is the kind of woman who is so full of love that she longs to give herself unreservedly to her Master. It is written for those women who want to be a full-time slavegirl, who enjoy the sensual pleasures of being spanked (and more!), and who want to be disciplined when they do not meet their own personal goals and the guidelines for behavior set by their Master.
~bdsmbeautifullybound
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~Sunday Sway
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Posted:Sep 10, 2023 2:14 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2023 11:24 am 9560 Views
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When you find that “thing” that keeps you grounded, that gives you hope, that keeps your world from falling completely apart, put it on a phonograph and play it, repeatedly. The discovery of inner peace is music to the ears, the heart, and the soul. This is a rare thing, a collectible worth more than the trinkets and tatters that modern civilization has to offer. Focus on it to see you through the hard times, for there will always be hard times.
* Waiting Line ~ Zero 7 ~ Simple Things
* One Note Samba ~ Astrud Gilberto, Stan Getz ~ Live At Cafe Au Go Go
* Kiss Off ~ Violent Femmes ~ Violent Femmes
* Come Undone ~ Duran Duran ~ Singles 1985-1995
* Short Skirt/ Long Jacket ~ Cake ~ Comfort Eagle
* Stupid Girl ~ Garbage ~ Garbage
* Here We Go Again ~ Aretha Franklin ~ A Rose Is Still A Rose
* Pusherman~ Curtis Mayfield~ Superfly Deluxe
* I've Been Loving You Too Long ~ Otis Redding ~ The Very Best Of Otis Redding
* Hold You In My Arms ~ Ray LaMontagne ~ Trouble
Short Skirt Long Jacket ~ Cake
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
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She is touring the facility (hey) and picking up slack
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