Red Flags for Dating as a Submissive
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Posted:Feb 25, 2024 1:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2024 11:42 am 7839 Views
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Here’s the most important thing I can say about dating as a submissive:
You are 100% entitled to maintain your boundaries right up until the point where you agree to give control to a partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off.
With that said, I’ve compiled a set of red flags I’ve come across in dating.
Red Flag #1: Passive Aggressiveness
When a submissive calmly raises a concern with a Dominant, and they respond passively aggressively, this is a very bad sign. For D/s to work well, I firmly believe that both parties must be able to communicate honestly and openly. This is particularly important for submissives early in a relationship. Submissives who are not comfortable with something have to be able to speak up, or the dynamic is doomed from the start.
The passive-aggressive Dominant shuts down this open communication. They aren’t interested in your comfort or your trust; they just want you to shut up and do as you’re told. “Fine, I won’t say it ever again.” No, that’s not what I said. But I was uncomfortable, and you didn’t care. Passive aggressive behavior makes no attempt to understand feelings or care for them. It puts earplugs in and does whatever it wants anyway. A person like this is dangerous, on either side of the slash.
Red Flag #2: Rapid Mood Swings
If someone goes from being incredibly excited to seeing you lash out in anger in the span of 20 minutes (and you did not say, kill their dog), this is not a stable person. Rapid mood swings are a red flag in general, but in a Dominant, they can be terrifying. Submissives put so much trust in their Dominants to be a reliable, solid source of support. Rapid mood swings can destroy that trust. Again, this one is true on both sides of the slash. To be clear, it’s one thing to experience volatile emotions and quite another to lash out at one’s partner over them. Dominants who do this are incapable of controlling themselves, and for that reason, they should never be trusted to lead a D/s dynamic.
Red Flag #3: Guilt Trips and Manipulation
One of the most important traits in a Dominant is respect for boundaries. The things we do require so much trust that a submissive must know their boundaries are respected. Guilt trips try to needle you away from your boundaries into a space where you have not freely consented to give yourself.
“If you really loved me, you would…"—Oh? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something after I’ve said no. Repeatedly. And given you reasons.
“You’re keeping me from being myself if you don’t let me do this.“—All I said was that I’m not ready yet. If your identity involves taking control from people who aren’t ready, then go be yourself with someone else.
“I’m the worst Dom ever and don’t deserve you.“—I call this one the crocodile tear guilt trip. It’s designed to get you to say, "No, you’re wonderful.” And then they say, “Then why won’t you do x for me?” This faux self-pity nonsense is both weak and manipulative.
Red Flag #4: Invalidating Your Feelings
If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy or not ready for something, you are 100% entitled to feel that way. Now, a good submissive (or relationship partner in general) will try to understand those feelings and share the reasons for them to help their Dominant lead more effectively. A good Dominant will listen and try to understand. But if a Dominant says you shouldn’t feel what you feel, that’s a red flag. If a Dominant brushes your feelings off as a sign of inexperience or lack of knowledge or any other thing, that’s a red flag. If you are uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable. Full stop. Maybe you will be more comfortable with talking and research and so on. But that does not invalidate your feelings in this moment. And any Dominant who tries to invalidate your feelings like that is not someone you can trust to take care of you.
Red Flag #5: Assuming Control in One Area Means Control in All Areas
It’s not unusual to give control in some areas before others. In fact, this is basically how it should happen. Gradually, submissives and Dominants build trust, and submissives offer more and more control to their Dominants. It’s a beautiful thing.
Many Dominants try to take too much control too early. They get twitchy sometimes because they know how to fix all the things if we would just let them have control omg now, please. But good Dominants will recognize when they’ve overstepped and will step back. It’s a red flag when they don't—when they assume that control in one area entitles them to control everywhere.
Dominants do not have control unless you give it to them. Freely and enthusiastically. Period. Control in the bedroom, for example, doesn’t give a Dominant the authority to create new rules unilaterally. Especially early on. It’s a red flag when a Dominant demands new rules without first discussing them and understanding the submissive’s feelings. And it’s a flaming red flag when they get angry when you push back or say you’re not ready.
Red Flag #6: Overuse of the Phrase “Topping from the Bottom”
I don’t universally hate the phrase “topping from the bottom” as some people do. But I will say that 80% of the time I see it, it’s being used to manipulate an uncomfortable submissive into silence and obedience. This phrase is especially alarming when there is no committed D/s dynamic. In the early stages of dating, submission is more or less ad hoc. You choose to obey (or not) in every moment, as you feel comfortable. And you make that part of your ongoing dialogue about what you’re ready to give and what you’re not.
When a Dominant pushes your boundaries, you are entitled to say no. And if they say this is topping from the bottom, they can fuck off. Maintaining boundaries in areas you have not given control is not topping from the bottom. Maintaining boundaries when you are not in a committed dynamic is not topping from the bottom.
You cannot top from the bottom in areas where you have not consented to be bottom.
Red Flag #7: Questioning Your Submissiveness
“I pretty much figured out you aren’t really submissive about a week ago.” This came after a Dominant repeatedly stepped over my boundaries. This Dominant tried to unilaterally set a rule 2 weeks into our dating and got angry when I said I was willing to do a task but did not have an established rule. Then a week later, this Dominant demanded more of my time. When I gave very specific, good reasons about my life being incredibly stressful for the next month or so, this Dominant told me I was not a real submissive.
If a Dominant is going to insult your identity because you don’t follow rules you never agreed to, they can 100% fuck right off. Being submissive is not about letting anyone with a D by their name walk all over you from the first moment they meet you. Anyone who expects that does not give a shit about who you are or what you need. They do not respect you. They will not take care of you.
Submissives have a right to boundaries, right up to the point that they freely and enthusiastically give control of those boundaries to their Dominants. Anger, instability, manipulation, and repeated overstepping are huge red flags in a Dominant. I won’t give my submission to just anyone, and I won’t give it to anyone who shows such entitlement and disregard for my boundaries. Especially early on. I know who I am. No one is going to make me question my submissive heart. Especially not someone so domineering and undeserving of my trust.
I’m sure this list is only the beginning. Please feel free to add to these with your own red flags.
~cherishedproperty
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Gentle Gestures
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Posted:Feb 23, 2024 6:05 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 7:48 pm 8560 Views
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In BDSM, the stereotype often depicts dominants as loud, aggressive, and solely focused on exerting control through physical dominance. However, within this intricate world, lies a profound truth: the power of a dominant's gentle gestures can be just as, if not more, impactful than the most intense scenes.
At first glance, the notion of gentleness within BDSM might seem contradictory. After all, is not the essence of dominance rooted in commanding authority and asserting control? While this is undoubtedly a component, it is essential to recognize that true dominance transcends mere physical dominance. It encompasses a deep understanding of one's partner, an unwavering commitment to their well-being, and a mastery of both strength and vulnerability.
One of the most potent tools in a dominant's arsenal is the ability to express tenderness through gentle gestures. Holding hands, softly brushing a partner's hair, or tenderly placing a kiss on their forehead may seem small in comparison to the grandiose acts often associated with dominance. However, it is precisely these seemingly insignificant gestures that can forge the deepest connections and elicit the most profound responses.
In BDSM dynamics, trust is the cornerstone upon which everything else is built. Without trust, there can be no surrender, no vulnerability, and no true exploration of power dynamics. Gentle gestures serve as tangible manifestations of trust and care, reassuring the submissive that they are safe, cherished, and valued. Amid the most intense scenes, it is these gestures that serve as anchors, grounding both parties and reaffirming the bond between them.
Moreover, gentle gestures have a transformative effect on the dynamics of power exchange. While dominance is often associated with control and authority, it is equally important for dominants to recognize the power of vulnerability and empathy. By allowing themselves to express gentleness, dominants create a space where submission is not merely coerced but freely given out of love and respect.
Contrary to popular belief, dominance does not necessitate aggression or arrogance. Instead, it is about wielding power responsibly and compassionately, understanding that true strength lies in the ability to nurture and protect. A dominant who embraces gentleness alongside their authority demonstrates a profound understanding of the complexities of power dynamics and a willingness to explore them with sensitivity and empathy.
The power of a dominant's gentle gestures in BDSM cannot be overstated. These seemingly small acts of tenderness deepen trust, strengthen connections, and transform power dynamics in profound ways. By embracing gentleness alongside dominance, dominants not only enhance the experiences of their submissives but also embody the true essence of what it means to wield power responsibly and compassionately in the world of BDSM.
©TLK2024
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High IQ
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Posted:Feb 22, 2024 5:40 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2024 7:43 am 8212 Views
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~
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The Intellectual Mindfuck
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Posted:Feb 22, 2024 2:17 am
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2024 12:35 am 7183 Views
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My attraction to him went bone-deep. Soul deep. This intellectual mind fuck that left me flushed and desperate. Awake at night wondering recklessly. He was convincing and smooth. Forthcoming with his desires. Confident with these carefully chosen, perfect syllables that flowed from his pen effortlessly. His light, bleeding into my darkness. I should have run, but he kept pulling buried shreds of myself up to the surface and putting them in his pockets. Like this collector of my soul, the only way to get them back was to keep crawling further inside him. And I wanted to. I wanted to strip him down with bare hands and crawl into the depths of him and never come out.
~her-reconciled-heart
*Archive
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Sex
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Posted:Feb 17, 2024 9:25 am
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2024 12:52 am 8960 Views
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“Sex is not a goddamn performance. Sex should feel as natural as drinking water. It should not require confidence. Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe. Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire. You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan, laugh. It’s not about being “good in bed.” It’s about being happy. One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges, and whims define that. It’s enough. What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you. Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We have time. We have infinite rhythms, combinations, and possibilities. Explore each fuck. Let's take our time. We can do a different one later. Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be. I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this. I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want. It’s originality. It’s passion. It’s joy. Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception. I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way. “Good in bed,” what? You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you. Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel. This isn’t a test.”
— (via it-slowly-rises)
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~Art Break
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Posted:Feb 17, 2024 1:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2024 6:51 am 8823 Views
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Artist: Milo Manara
"Tribute to Klimt"
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Valentine's Quote
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Posted:Feb 14, 2024 1:57 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2024 2:25 am 9296 Views
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“A starving heart will eat anything.”
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Something True
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Posted:Feb 12, 2024 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2024 12:26 am 9358 Views
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“Your body is not your masterpiece — your life is."
It is suggested to us a million times a day that our bodies are projects. They aren’t. Our lives are. Our spirituality is. Our relationships are. Our work is.
Stop spending all day obsessing, cursing, perfecting your body like it’s all you’ve got to offer the world. Your body is not your art, it’s your paintbrush.
Whether your paintbrush is a tall paintbrush, a thin paintbrush, a stocky paintbrush or a scratched-up paintbrush is completely irrelevant.
What is relevant is that you have a paintbrush that can be used to transfer your insides onto the canvas of your life — where others can see it and be inspired and comforted by it.
Your body is not your offering. It’s just an amazing instrument that you can use to create your offering each day. Don’t curse your paintbrush. Don’t sit in a corner wishing you had a different paintbrush. You’re wasting time. You’ve got the one you got.
Be grateful, because without it you’d have nothing with which to paint your life’s work. Your life’s work is the love you give and receive — and your body is the instrument you use to accept and offer love on your soul’s behalf. It’s a system.
We are encouraged to obsess over our instrument’s shape — but our body’s shape does not affect its ability to accept and offer love for us. Just none.
Maybe we continue to obsess because as long we keep wringing our hands about our paintbrush shape, we don’t have to get to work painting our lives.
Stop fretting. The truth is that all paintbrush shapes work just fine — and anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something. Don’t buy it. Just paint.
No wait — first, stop what you are doing and say thank you to your body — right now.
Say, thank you to your eyes for taking in the beauty of sunsets and storms and blowing out birthday candles…
And say thank you to your hands for writing love letters and opening doors and stirring soup and waving to strangers…
And say thank you to your legs for walking you from danger to safety and climbing so many mountains for you.
Then pick up your instrument and start painting this day beautiful and bold and wild and free and YOU. Paint this day beautiful, bold, wild & free.“
- Glenan Doyle
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~Dawn
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Posted:Feb 10, 2024 1:34 am
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2024 8:12 pm 9960 Views
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Dawn is always such a forgiving time. When that first cold, bright streak comes over the water. It's as if all our sins were pardoned; as if the sky leaned over the earth and kissed it and gave it absolution.
― Willa Cather
Photograph Taken By: Me
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