gotta fit into the mold
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Posted:Aug 6, 2006 6:39 pm
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2014 6:18 pm 5477 Views
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A few other things came to mind today. When I was in kindigarden the neighbor girl would invite me and another boy (kinda femine) to tea partys. our moms would dress us up a bit and we would spend the afternoon drinking weak tea . I enjoyed it, playing roles, and dressing up. Only could have been better if I could of worn a dress. Now fast forward back to around puberty, 6th grade or so there was a dance, I needed a date, and there was a girl I wanted to ask to the dance. I was so shy and timid , the anxiety was killing me but time was getting short and I had to ask her. Finally I got up the nerve and the right time to ask her to the dance, and she said yes,,Oh I was happy able to fill my role as a male in the society. Later that week my father needed immediate surgury in the city and I had to go there with my family. That made me miss the dance and have to cancel my date, that my "freind" asked out as soon as i canceled.all that torture and anxiety to ask a girl out with no reward at all,,big let down to what little male ego I had. Then there was junior high and pubery years , more date anxiety and after my first attempt I was even more shy and introverted. I was a failure at most sports. Being left handed , when I threw right handed I threw like a girl, and was told so by the coach. My upper body has always been skinny, but my lower is very strong from years of hiking and skiing. sports not in the main male testosterone drivin competion.
I shaved my body when it began to grow hair till one summer day I had an open sleeved shirt on and a freind noticed my underarms were shaved. He confronted me about it in front of other freinds embarassing me and tinting me as a sissy boy. All this time I was going crazy to outfit my girl wardrobe. I loved tight latex elastic to squeeze my body, but my mom only had a limited amount of girdles, my sister and her underwear except for the swimmsuit had moved out years before. So i was perplexed about how to get clothes. One summer I raided a couple of clothes lines to get a few things. Think it is the only time i have ever stolen anything, but I guess it was the only way I had to fill a need of mine. It Was scary to sneak through peoples yards scaring up dogs and things. It was also dark and for the most part I ended up with things that were not that femine or just didn't fit at all, So that method quickly ended. All for the better. a visiting cousin might of lost a pair of panties around our house a time or two after that. Society really seemed to frown on girly boys for all I could see from this small western town so conceling my femininity became high priority for me. I tryed to walk more manly , carry my books at my side like a boy play ball as good as I could using my left hand for throwing when I could. Gotta fit in to the mold of the good boy/young man
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correction on my timetable
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Posted:Aug 5, 2006 6:23 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 10:13 am 5462 Views
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After thinking about my last few blogs this afternoon I am thinking that the douch part of my experience was a bit later in my life . closer to puberty than 6/8 years old. the other bathroom memories seem to be pre-puberty, but I may also have been a bit older, maybe 10 years old. Sometime in my early teens my cousin showed me how to beat off. we did it together . It was such a feeling when i came "smiles" (guess it is exciting for everyone the first time for such a pleasurable feeling) . Then my whole bathroom experience became a whole different thing. Where all the bathroom play had meaning and pleasure. I would get so hard when i gave myself a good douch. i fantisized about sex with the catologe models wondering what pleasure they would feel in a sexual encounter. It was fun to get off ,and getting away with it . I discovered on my own that anal stimulation enhanced getting me off, that is when the douching had reason and feeling. Girls like me feeling the force of warm fluid deep within their body was the ultimate thrill for me. Funny thing though I was still trying to act like a boy,and didn't realise the femine implications of my actions. I did have a growing desire to have girl clothing to wear in secret for my own pleasure.
I knew it was forbidden and would be the ultimate embarassment to be found out, but I still was willing to risk it all. My clothes selection was mostly non -existant . I still had not figured out how to get acess to those frilly girl clothes at J C Pennys store although I admired them at every store visit . I had my sisters old 1 piece swimsuit,and she had left a couple of formal dresses in the closet that were very sexy and femine to me, but that was it for my girl wardrobe.
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he carries his books like a girl
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Posted:Aug 5, 2006 9:12 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2022 6:53 pm 5574 Views
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I am kinda enjoying dragging up all these old memories, alot were kinda repressed i guess. thinking of them brings back alot of different feelings,,gotta be good for me,,? About the same time that I discovered douching I became a bathroom queen. We had no shower, just a bath , allowing me alone time in a room with femine items of my mothers, warm luxurius hot baths, and my hidden Montgomery Wards catolog featuring womens clothing and underwear. Being a curious age of 6/7 or so the catolog was an information guide for me. There were many items that I didn't know existed, and I could compare my measurements with the charts for sizes. Just what were nursing bras,,giggles" and if I could only get a tight fitting full body girdle to help form, and shape my thin body to a more feminine form. At this age I still didn't know anything about self pleasure or masturbation. Which is more of a boy thing anyway. I knew that boys were not supposed to desire silky lacie things ,,but I did. nor to want to be made up and admired,,but I did. I did figure out quite quickly that the rest of society noticed and rejected me exibiting any femine signs, and began to learn to conceal them. One day in grade school I was told that I carried myself like a girl and held my books against my chest like a girl. "An embarassing but complimenting acusation "giggles". I learned fast to try and hide any female characteristic but that increased my interest even more, and focusing my thinking on things like that. Oh I did a pretty good job of covering up and being a boy, and it was very pleasurable for the most part. There were lots of times I could assume a non gender type role and have a good time. I did not like rough sports or sports in general, nor did I do well at them, I was more into fantasy games and spent alot of time playing by myself which only fueled my femine fantasy. Oh,, back to the M W. catolog, It was fun looking at the model's but what was more interesting to me was learning my size, long torso, bra and cup size, dress size,or figuring out which item might help mold my body into a more femine shape. I still had very little body hair, muscles and was skinny, Oh,, it would have been so simple to pass as a girl in those days! but it was still the late 60's and would be unheard of in my small town anyway. and as usual I looked forward to going to J C Pennys so that i might actually see or feel some of those beatiful underwear that i saw in the catolog. So at this point in my life I had my sisters old one peice swimsuit to wear, a douch tube, and a montgomery wards catolog hidden in the bathroom towel closet. Guess i was on my way to secretly becoming a wannabe girl,, way before puberty??
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I need a good douch
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Posted:Aug 4, 2006 1:19 pm
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2014 6:20 pm 5398 Views
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Another early memorie of mine is the time i tried to comvince my freind that we should both dress up in his little sisters diapers and rubber pants. It was just a typical day at my freinds house we were 5/6 years old. his little sister was still wearing diapers and was a few years younger. she wore a cute little ruffle dress over her diaper and rubber panties. I noticed the rubber panties and had an extream desire to stretch them on my body. I convinced my freind that we should get the pair she was wearing , but she did not agree and we were scolded for bothering her. (always had a hard time getting a girl out of her panties). My freind did not see why I was so into the rubber panties. A couple years later I discovered one of his mothers tight latex girdles in the clothes hamper in their bathroom. After that I spent alot of unexplained time in their bathroom exploring the clothes hamper for femine clothes. By that time his little sister had grown to wearing panties , that were also in the clothes hamper. I started exploring our house for things to wear.My mom had a couple of girdles that I liked to sneak into. feeling all my private parts squeezed together tightly in tight nylon was a big turn on for me and again I was spending a lot of time in the bathroom. There were even stranger items in the back of the bathroom cabinet, boxes of femine pads, (I need femine pads!) and a water bottle with a douch attatchment, (I need a good douch!). I kinda figure these items out and prepare a water douch for myself. I filled the bottle and began to explore my only interior orface that i have. After feeling deep penetration I squirted a huge amount of water up my ass. Feeling totally full i wadeled over to the toliet and releived myself. God it felt good to be penetrated and filled with fluid. I wanna be a girl so bad but also at this time I was learning that real "boys" don't do the things that I secretly desire , like dressing in girl clothes and douching. This was especially true in the small western town I grew up in back during the 60's. There were no siblings at my home, They were older than me and had left home in my early years but my sister did leave a few clothes around the house, one of my favorites was a one piece bathing suit. It was nice and tight, stretchy and had huge bra cups that filled out my chest. I began to wear it when ever I had a chance to do so without getting caught.
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first and earliest memories
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Posted:Aug 3, 2006 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2014 6:22 pm 5490 Views
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As i think back it seems my first memories of wanting to be a girl rather than a boy was around the age of 4 or 5. I can remember going shopping for clothes at the downtown J. C. Pennys store, it was a wonderful place but I was much more excited about all of the pretty girl and womens clothing there rather than the drab boy clothes my mother was showing me. Being a boy I couldn't reveal that I was interested in the girlie things so I had to be satisfied by a glancing touch of some silky girl item as we walked through the store. God!how I wanted to be fitted into some lace little girl panties and admired by the clerks as they dressed up this cute little girl in white lace dress and stockings. Reality was I got fitted in jeans and western cowboy shirts and except for my fantasys the lacy girl clothes stayed on the racks. there was a restroom in the back of the store behind a curtain, conceled from view, unless you knew it was there. My little fantasy at the time was to slip through the girls section picking up a pair of panties and then getting to the restroom and actually putting them on. Oh the fantasy of silky nylon and lace against my skin in a comprimising place doing what little boys should never do. Too bad it was just that a fantasy , never could actually get the opertunity to carry out my pantie raid on jc pennys except in my mind. This began a life of this wannabe girl in hiding.
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