Chapter 6
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Posted:Oct 7, 2021 1:51 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 3405 Views
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Here I am again.
Waiting destroy myself.
Watching degrading porn.
degrade myself.
Looking for ideas.
How will I tie myself up tomorrow?
What is going inside of me?
Will I even feel ?
I want be tied up tight.
I want a gag in my mouth.
I want something vibrating.
Deep in my anus.
Looking at these words from last night I’ve realised I do love being a slut. I get really turned on by the idea of being depraved. I like degrade myself. I’m starting understand porn consumption and engaging in adult chatrooms is part of my kink. provides guilt and shame my fantasy, so now I’m wondering if guilt and shame are parts of my personality that I need some attention . I should do some NLP work on myself again, run through some self guided scripts and set some goals.
I’m quite wasted on strong homegrown weed. But I’d like do a more before I go upstairs and degrade myself further with anal sex and self-bondage. Watching the porn is the build up this that makes me ashamed so that I must punish myself. And we have , I am punishing myself in many aspects of myself and if I can figure out why and resolve then my life may change further. ’s important indulge and explore these things as a form of self knowing.
So, I’ve been given orders from slutting myself on fetlife. I have been ordered vibrate my anus, stretched out in rope bondage and wearing a ball gag. I will be happy explore this scene once I have reached the right vibe… I think I’m going do a simple crotch tie hold the vibrating beads in place again. That felt really good last time… I’m just watching some really good ropework. is something very relaxing about putting rope on and I’ll make an effort further improve my technique. I’ve just finished my drink and will go now for another smoke before going upstairs my fate. I leave the porn and my webcam running…
...I’m back now from my smoke. I came upstairs then decided go back downstairs make another vodka and orange over ice. Now I am back with it at my side. Sipping as I think about what do myself. If you can’t party in your own bedroom, where can you? ’s a nice light in here with the blinds drawn. The windows are slightly open and I can hear the persistent, Great British, rain falling. Traffic noise from the motorway junction. Air traffic. Moderate breeze. The sounds from the aircraft come in waves. I’m looking for poetry in my words these days. Trying to write in forms that express myself more clearly. That have a rhythm that is easy to access. I take a sip an survey my tools. The first thing that caught my eye was a wooden bar that I use as a spreader. I could do a real on my legs by attaching ankle cuffs the spreader bar, then rope around knees/ lower thighs tied ropes looped around the bed slats. The idea stretch my ankles and knees out is intriguing.
All this time I am broadcasting. No interesting viewers as yet. Time unpack my kit I feel.
Toys are all unpacked. Tme for a shower and some anal. I leave the view of my bed with all the toys spread out, waiting, on my webcam.
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Chapter 5
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Posted:Oct 7, 2021 1:50 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 2688 Views
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What am I going do with myself?
This is a question that I often ask myself these days. Time alone. What do…? I know! Lets do some real kinky shit!
Lets face it, I’m going my ass tomorrow. That bead set is going right up again. I could plan this now and make a great session.
So. The anal needs go in before the bondage. I’ve learnt control the vibe with the remote now and how turn off and on. The ” beads can go right up and then about with the remote a bit. Then I think I should turn it off and wear it around a bit. With the crotch rope keeping it in place.
Could offer a tease for this on fetlife. With options make me go out in public with this massive set of silicone vibrating balls up my ass?
Moving on… it feels like the silicone is really comfortable. This latest feels amazing but I should think about the bondage for tomorrow now. How will I restrain myself?
I’m thinking ball gag as well. I think I should punish myself. Corporal punishment has popped into my feed. Do I want to cane myself tomorrow?
...it’s the next day. It’s just gone a.m. and I’m already high and have a medium anal plug inside me that is tied in place with a crotch rope. I have a plan go upstairs in a bit and swap the plug with the ” vibrating beads. Then that will be tied in place and I will then wrap my lower body and legs tightly in blackb pvc wrap. Then a full bondage hood and finally will lock my hands behind my back. The keys will be in a kitchen safe timed for 1 hour. Now I’m wondering though. I could swap the plastic wrap with a bit of cuff and rope bondage and a spreader bar that I made. Choices, choices…
Mmm. This anal feels good. I guess the plugs been in 30 minutes already and it feels very comfortable. I might have go up a size for just sitting around like this. Watching hard core bondage porn. Killing time waiting do these things myself. I think ’s nearly time go upstairs. My ass is starting feel really good.
After another shower I now have the ” beads inside me buzzing away on a low setting. I make a decision go for the plastic wrap and hands and neck tied the spreader bar. I spot the cane in the corner and go back my thoughts about corporal punishment. As I write this I am laying on my front and writhing a bit against the bed...
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Chapter 4
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Posted:Jul 30, 2021 1:45 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 3254 Views
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Here I am again. Getting high and horny. My life has become this but I’m ok with it right now. In fact, in some ways, I’m always living for the next thrill. It feels great have something that I bet most people don’t: which is that absolute thrill and endorphin rush of anal bondage.
Yep. Seriously getting into my feels on this. I love the feeling of having a large silicone plug hard in my ass. Tied in with a crotch rope… and then sat upon on a wooden seat. Hard.
That’s good in itself, but I have a choice to make. I received a new toy today. A ” vibrating set of large silicone beads with a remote control has arrived. I’ve charged it and the charger port has something of the Cronenberg it for me. It’s a small power port with a silicone cover so that it’s waterproof. But it really looks like the spine ports in Existenze, haha! The motors are powerful and the patterns feel like they’re going to feel great. I’m just a bit scared of it to be honest. I can’t wait for it to destroy my ass though, it is going to feel so good.
I want to rough myself up tomorrow. I deserve pain. The belt and the cane.
...Now it’s morning and I’m having a coffee and pondering my fate. I’ve put a on a chat room ‘dare’ me put on some pvc wrap, anal stimulation and a ful bondage hood. This is just icing really, I’ll do it even if nobody responds in the time limit but it’s a way of someone else being in control.
Now I’ve got a devilish idea that might work as an alternative. Legs tied a spreader with leg cuffs. Wrists tied the bar. Maybe for another time when I am feeling a bit more mobile - been doing a lot of exercise this week. Again, I got this idea from porn. I think the psychology of this is that I am doing something shameful by watching the porn and then punishing myself for it by recreating the degradation and bondage. This is perhaps addressing some need in my psyche? But there is also a physical connection. I like the feeling of my body and the physical challenge. I think it’s nearly time go and play. More drugs first though…
Adjust my crotch rope a bit and go the garden for a second hit of cannabis. I think the jazz is getting me. I’m listening Melanie De Biasio and it’s affecting my mood in a very nice melancholy way. There is now what looks like a very attractive domme watching. Coincidentally she is in Belgium, the home of the music I’m listening . Wow, good weed. I think it’s now time put something in my ass and it will be the second largest plug and then I will come back down here for a bit…
I’m getting good at adding the plug in the shower and the crotch rope holds it securely. Back downstairs before the final push as they say. Oh, I forgot I need finish my workout…
That was fun with a plug and crotch rope. I think that might be a new thing for me - exercise in anal bondage. This plug feels really comfortable right now and sort of comforting. Time go upstairs and try the new toy.
OH MY GOD THAT FEELS SO GOOD!!! I have taken the whole inch bead length.
Well. As I suspected I didn’t make it into full bondage but I did put the crotch rope back on looped through the end hole of beads (to stop them disappearing into my hungry anus!). They felt amazing being tied in like that. Intense as well as once they are turned on I didn’t know how to pause them without switching it off completely. So had to leave it on and just cycle through the settings. It was an amazing feeling and I soon came. Longer term though it would be good to get locked into some bondage with this as a starter, i.e. the beads tied in with a crotch rope.
Looking back on this now I marvel. All of this happened over the last couple of days and now I am hungry for more depravity. What depths will I go to…?
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Chapter 3
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Posted:Jul 28, 2021 12:28 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 3134 Views
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[written last week]
So here I am again, horny as anything and thinking about my weird fetishes and what I’m gonna do to my self tomorrow. Getting high and horny is just about my favourite thing. I’m watching porn. It’s titled: ‘Slender Asian slut fucked hard by lezdom strap on’. To be fair she is acting the slut but you never know what her circumstances are. I want to be her. Getting hard fucked over a post with my wrist tied to my ankles. Hard fucked in the ass. I am a slut. This is my rabbit hole for tonight as I think how I will punish myself tomorrow for watching this awful porn.
I saw a good post earlier in the category of self bondage where the poster was talking about a waist chain wrapped down their ass cheeks, holding in a large dildo, then between the legs and drawn tight at the front. I’ve done this before and it is good and restrictive. Maybe that should be my hand anchor, to the ends of the chain!?
But I was also thinking about another idea earlier. To go further into self degradation. I was considering live camming a whole self bondage session. With me locked in a timer, but my hands tied in a position where I can operate the keyboard. This would have to be a chair tie I’m guessing, but a better idea might be to use a remote camera to get a different camera angle. That could be pretty kinky. Viewers could watch me from a third perspective. I could watch the feed and put on a show and respond to comments.
Absolute depravity in porn. There is some nasty stuff out there. I’m going to make myself pay for watching this. But always I imagine I’m the victim, the depraved. I think it’s that feeling that makes me turned on. I’ve just been thinking about my anal for tomorrow and did another bong. Weed always makes me horny and gets my imagination going. I had the idea of doing my morning boxing routine naked tomorrow after some Weed and challenging myself to do it with a butt plug in place. That could be fun as a first humiliation, as well as getting me a bit of exercise.
Just thinking about this made me want to touch my asshole, so I got a small bowl and filled it with coconut oil which was liquid as the house was still hot from a heatwave. Fingering my ass felt so good and I soon had two fingers in, up to the knuckles, working in the soft oil. Thought I mustn’t get carried away just yet and pulled out, but I’m going to push my anus tomorrow to new levels.
Sometimes I don’t know what is going on in my mind. Am I addicted to shame?
The next day…
Now I’m sat in my living room. I’m broadcasting live on webcam while I type this to alt.com. Wearing shorts and t-shirt. Under my shorts I have inserted a smallish silicon butt plug and tied it in place with a crotch rope. It’s starting to feel good. I’m sat here drinking a bloody mary and deciding what my fate should be. It’s funny how turned on I get when I realise there is a woman watching me. Shall I say hi? Funny old world isn’t it when you can just meet randoms on the web. What is this person like? Are they who they say they are? Random interactions and people finding their way.
Oh yeah - remembered I was going to do some exercise this morning! As the buttplug is securely in place I may as well start my workout.
...that felt good in my ass. I think I’ll go and insert a bigger butt plug and do another routine…
I soon tire of exercise though and get back to my planning. I feel a chair tie is definitely the way forward today and still on this rope fetish. Soon I think it will be time to sort my head out and have a shower. My aim will be to get the largest plug in and leave it in for a bit. Maybe move about a bit before taking it out. Then I think it may be chair bondage but I’m thinking of an interesting twist today where I can see and control my computer.
Need a bit more smoke and porn first though… I’m upstairs now. Wow, just had my shower and decided to leave the biggest plug in for a bit. It’s a beast and I’m riding it. Just dared myself for another smoke with it in and the crotch rope back on.
This session ended before I got tied.
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Today's scene...
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Posted:May 29, 2021 1:02 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 1892 Views
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Planning another scene with myself. I really enjoy being in my head like this - just fantasising about what I will do to myself. I think now I am getting more into self degradation. Certainly I enjoy humiliating myself, it has a certain taste! I love experiencing the emotions that these states evoke as much as anything. It is all rich experience and I think any kink is valid as long as it's not harmful to another or oneself. Sometimes I feel it can be therapeutic, the feeling I get when I know that I am not getting away easily. That's the thing that's deep in my psyche, that feeling. Where does it come from? Who knows but it is a massive buzz.
Posting in chats adds a buzz. It's degrading to be caught and told to go ahead with doing these things to myself, and that's why I like it. I think we should explore the depths of ourselves. To truly know ourselves sexually and give in to our deepest desires. Why not, we're only here once.
My plan was to do some chair bondage using an old pine chair that I have renovated. It has a lattice thin panel back that is patterned with cutaways. This is flanked by two pine spindles on each side. This is perfect for looping belts through to secure my upper body. I had an idea to loop a long belt around the front of my chest and behind my arms (pinioning them to my sides). I'm now trying to decide on rope bondage or pvc? It is a delicious quandary.
On the one hand I would love to get into my karada. This has been crafted with knots to tie the loops in place. I'm getting better at tying it tightly into place. This basically makes a full body harness with multiple anchors at front and back. The idea of rope bondage on wood is turning me on now. Maybe I'll wear a hood and film it? That would be quite a turn on going back to the humiliation thing. I guess the ultimate turn on would be live streaming it. Woah that's a hot thought... :-- . I wouldn't need too much rope on my legs because they'll be tied back to the rear chair legs. Basically bending my knees underneath me. It's easy to cramp in this position and could introduce some interesting pain play. Is that part of the appeal I wonder? The sensory stimulation would come from inserting my vibrating inflatable plug in the shower before this performance. With a lot of lube this is getting quite comfortable now and I really love the feeling of anal. IT JUST FEELS GOOD! But the idea will be to loop the vibe control and air pump through the spindles of the chair to keep them in place behind me. Might even tape them in place? This makes sense if you consider that my hands will be tied behind me (and the back of the chair) at some point. Remember that my upper arms are pinioned from the front, so having my arms wrists tied behind me will add tension to the leather belt. I guess the wrists would have to be the last tied to lock in place. They would also be the first point to be released once the keys locking the wrist cuffs were released from a kitchen safe timer set to the allotted predicament time. I'm getting closer to an hour. It makes me think about the Frank Zappa line "Well I can take about an hour on the tower of power, but only if I gets a little golden shower!". So yes I am a kinky bastard and even just thinking about this stuff gets me off. The hood would have to be the second to last thing to go on and being locked in place would be unnecessary (as my hands to remove the hood will be tied behind my back). Once that was all done I could lock my leather-cuffed wrists together behind my back at any time I was ready with the padlocks. The keys to the padlock were in the kitchen timer safe set to 1 hour but a thin leather strop connects the keys locked in the box to my wrists. So the strop is always in reach. For additional safety I use a combination lock. This can be unlocked in about 1-1.5 hours by flicking through the digits on the dial systematically. It's uncomfortable if you need to use it but adds extra safety as a back up. Anyway, you see how it all works...
Another option is to go with the pvc. Just cover my body in black 5 inch shrink wrap, put on nipple clamps. Bondage hood and arms wrapped individually then leather cuffed behind back. Same upper arm belt tension-er as above for the rope bondage. Full bondage hood and plug in similar arrangement to above but also wrapped in place by the pvc (hmmm just thinking I could use some gaffer tape to tape the cables in place before I wrap...!). The timer mechanism would also be the same as above.
Basically, rope bondage or pvc chair wrap. What do you think I should do?
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Self bondage play day
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Posted:May 15, 2021 5:22 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2024 5:52 am 3069 Views
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Chapter 1
I sit and watch hard core bondage porn until I’m soooo horny. The thing is, I’m imagining I’m the one that is tied up and fucked! I guess I’ve always liked playing the victim. At the end of the day though, aren’t we all being fucked in the ass in some way? I’ll leave you think about that.
But yes, I was that person getting tied-up. I have always loved , from as young as I can remember really. This is the story of where ’s got .
In a bit I make my way upstairs, checking that the doors are locked and blinds drawn on the way. This early bondage porn was really the formation of my fantasies. How mad is that!? Soon though, I will try and recreate it in my bedroom and the shower.
Even writing this is making me horny. Time slip out of my clothes. I double the house is secure then go the bedroom and strip naked. The spirits and weed are really starting in now! A shower and some anal will freshen me up.
Before that though I get distracted. I empty a LOT of rope, cut into different lengths, onto the bed from a shoulder bag where is stored. I love the feel of against me as I am recording this journal. I pick up a hank of rope and rub against my cock. feeeeelllllsssss goooooooooooddddd!!!!!! I find a cane on the bed. Give myself a few strokes for having dirty thoughts. Actually a bit of impact was really nice. A few good whacks the ass and then some soft fast strokes my cock and balls. That has got the blood pumping.
I pause get some more gear out. The leather locking-cuffs for wrists and ankles. Bag of padlocks, keys and a length of chain. Bondage hood with gag and blindfold. Timer kitchen safe containing padlock keys. Lubricant. Anal plugs. Time find the plugs and,,, Dam’n! Forgot the batteries for the vibrating, inflatable plug that I intend use on my ass. I’m all naked and horny and now have get a bit dressed again.
Right. Batteries got and now time for a shower and anal.
Chapter 2
So the difference is that now. I have an inflatable 4” vibrating plug inside me. It feels a bit big - my ass just took a pounding as I tried to get on the biggest training plug. Mmmmm feels better now though and I used a lot of lube. Where’s the batteries…
was some batteries already in the plug after all, so might as well use them up a bit. Got a low rumble in my ass now, just made me clench on it a bit. My vision is a bit blurred now…!
Might put my locking cuffs on in a bit but, first I am going put my karada (rope body harness) on.
Pleased with the karada, it really holds the plug in nicely and I take a photo of myself in the full length mirror. Cuffs and keys now I think…
First I have a by putting the vibrator on full and pumping a bit. Wow, just stop myself in time… if you know what I mean.
Might put myself on cam for my cuffs, have a bit of fun…
Getting serious now, put on an ankle tie and plug on a low rumble. Camming on alte off cam. ’s too distracting. Might record on the bad phone though.
Oh the anal is fantastic. Full vibe and inflation is hard to take. Checked locks and keys, and locked them in the kitchen safe timer for 1 hour 15 minutes.
Getting quite tied now. Ankles, above knees, and thighs. Time to close off the knots and get the hood on. First though I will secure a chain to the bed to lock to my bondage hood neck ring. Once I’m in, I ain’t going nowhere until the timer is up.
Nipple clamps are digging in, I might remove before going under…
Another caning to the cock and balls feels great, as does the ass plug.
Time for the hood and connect that to the chain locked to the bedframe. Ankles now tied up to thighs. Finally, wrists padlocked to karada loops, in reach of the vibe control and pump for the plug. Going under… Click.
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