What People Are owed from me
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Posted:Oct 9, 2018 8:25 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2018 2:52 am 2217 Views
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So the question of what I actually owe people has been weighing on my mind this week. You see, lately I got accused of being a messed up and bad person because we kept missing each other online and was told I was ignoring them.
After much debate in my head, after much thought trying to wrap my head around this, here's my answer: I OWE MY TIME TO NO-ONE OTHER THAN MYSELF!!!!!
This year I have a lot going on. I'm in my second year a very intense program to become a CPA. I have a full time job. I had surgery at the beginning of the fall. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that, physically and mentally. My schedule is all over the place right now.
So here's the thing, if I'm here online, showing in a room, there is a 99% chance that I'm not actually looking at that room at any given time. I usually have it on as background while I'm studying. 50 % of the time I've fallen asleep with the room on because I'm just so damned exhausted. Yeah, I know we all have a life and we're all busy, but right now I'm a little overwhelmed.
So here's the deal: If I spend time with you, be grateful. If we miss each other for weeks at a time, it's nothing personal. There are people that I live in the same town as as we see each other maybe once a year, if not every two years. If you don't work with me or go to class with me, chances are you might miss me.
My job is emotionally draining. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I withdraw into myself and just check into the room in the chances my Mistress might come on.
So please, be understanding. Be kind. Understand you don't own my time. There is only one person on here who can demand my time and she understands all of these things that I might not always be around. If you get pissy, if you demand, if you emotionally blackmail, you will get absolutely nothing because I will not respond to any of that.
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Sometimes you feel so helpless
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Posted:Dec 10, 2011 8:50 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2019 9:54 pm 11456 Views
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Sometimes...life throws you curves that you just don't know what to do with....curveballs that hit you right in the face and knock you out.
you see, i'm a vet tech, and in my daily life i see a lot of things...i hold new life in my hands on a daily basis, and on the flip side, i feel life slip away as i hold them. most days, its just a balance of life and death to me, never affects me, but there's some things that just make you feel so damned helpless.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my job, but its the day when you look by helpless, when its your job to do everything to help your patients, and then, along comes the uncurable. so here's my tribute, to one of the gentlest, sweetest patients, and to his mom, who has seen me through thick and thin...who was there when my life tilted upside down, who was there beside me every step of my way through losing my house,losing my family when they found i was in the lifestyle. I've lost so much, but she's been there for me. Whatever you need sis, whatever i can do in my power to make this easier right now, just let me know and i'll be there day or night. He's a special boy and I know that these coming months are going to be rough, but i'll be there every step of the way, as a vet tech that cares, your friend, and your sister.
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We learn and we grow
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Posted:Feb 3, 2011 3:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2019 9:53 pm 11653 Views
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Well..in the space of just a few days, I feel like I've learned a lot. I've gotten a clearer head in a lot of things, and I've realized the WHAT behind things (thanks to a very very understanding and helping mentor), now I just need to slow down and figure out the reason of what drives the what.
So that being said, here's the What behind what goes on in my mind: I'm self destructive, now if only i knew why. I'm a storm of trouble and i drive people away through that storm. If they get close, then I push them back away, through this self destructive pattern. Now for the reason why, which took a little bit more getting beneath the surface of, and accepting, but in order to figure out how to fix it, I had to find the reason why. I am insecure, insecure in my place in relationships, including being with One, and friendships, i'm insecure in my work performance, insecure in my family, insecure in my appearance, and more everything else.
So here's my vow to myself,and what I need to do before I even think about getting into anything else or searching for One. (and yeah dd, here is where i give you COMPLETE permission to say i told you so, since i think these were almost your EXACT words weeks ago): I NEED TO BE MYSELF FIRST! i've never really had time to live for myself, because i've always been first my parents and always taking care of my mom. Then, in my relationships, i'm always needy because i'm insecure with my place in them. I need to learn how to function as myself before i can dream to function as a W/we. I'm insecure in being true to myself in front of my family, living a lie in front of the half the time, cause i'm too scared to truly b myself in front of them.
So here's what to do: Get out of the house, be a true friend, have fun and stop centering my life around finding a One and when the next time i'll find some play is. I WILL start eating properly (yes dancer adn Brianna), and i WILL gett off the couch and start exercising. I WILL start putting my thoughts down on paper instead of holding htem all in, and i WILL start standing up for myself instead of being a doormat.
and so, for the next thing, the hardest part of all, my apologies,
first and foremost, my apologies to dd:You've always been my best friend, and i was stupid, hardheaded, and i've always been too focused on myself. In the future, if you'll let me, i'll stop being so self centered and start being an actual friend.
To Shadow, i lost Your teachings for awhile...You taught me better, You mentored me better, but i'm back on track now...and i won't lose sight of that so quickly again.
And most of all, to Ms Wanted, I tried to put myself in a place i wasn't ready to be yet and i hurt U/us both. I'm sorry, and i hope one day when the hurt is over W/we can be friends.
To the rest of my friends, thanks for being there while i've been mopey these past few days.
And now, off to live! Time to stop focusing on the past, and time to start focusing on me. Time to stop being lazy and find a new, good job, so i can move into my wonderful condo waiting for me in warm sunny arizona!
Love to Yyou Aall,
Kitty
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