A lil explanation using groundhog day as my methaphore...
|
Posted:Sep 21, 2019 10:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2019 7:16 am 4591 Views
|
First i apologize if my last blog was hard read. Alt is at it again😠..
But i also think i am presenting too many ideas. For example i talk about being negative, being pessimistic, not caring and then throwing in the concept of sadness. For some folks these feelings are basically interchangeable.
For me sadness is seperate.
So i thought i would use the
Bill murray movie " groundhog's day" to better explain myself.
Depression to
Meis sorta like being in hell, a trap, a constant cycle. Feeling hopeless
Bill murray wakes up every day to the same radio dj playing i got you babe. He relives every day in Punxsutawney Pa.
He can rob a bank or drive punxy phill and the news van off a cliff. But every morning he wakes up in
The same bed.
Its like the previous day..month..year never really mattered.
Bill can be a total asshat to the towns folks or he can save the homeless mans life...it doesn't matter...
After a bit
He stops caring..if i remember correctly he kills himself...only to rewake the next morning.
Sure
Bill has his good momments and actually has some fun like sculpting block of ice or playing the piano for music teacher.
But alot of the pleasure becomes scripted..he has to save the old homeless man, he has to participate inthe snowball fight with the
to impress the girl,he has to be under
The tree to save a cat,.
He's basically is numb and becomes a slave to the routine. He feels obligated...just to feel anything at all
Bill isnt happy..he isnt sad..he just sorta is.
His character is stuck in the gray.
He is just grinding..a term used in video games where your not making actual progress in the storyline..you'r doing meaningless busy work/ quest for in game coinage.
For
Me
its something like this
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Change isnt always good
|
Posted:Sep 21, 2019 7:04 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2019 7:03 am 4737 Views
|
Tell me what is better...
Being in the grey middle and not knowing the extremes of sadness or happiness...basically not caring..just sorta going through life
Or being slightly elevated from the negativity...being able
To
poke slightly through the grey.. realizing now that im..
Not happy.
I decided
To try a few herbal things for my depression before going a doctor...why? Unlike alot of americans i am not blessed with a work related health care plan.
Now im not a big natural health guy, but i figured it was worth a try.
So it seemed to lift me
Off of the grumpy cat range of negativity. I almost had
turn in my pessimists membership
Card
I wasnt as negative as i normally
Am
. Its like i lost my cool snark? My dripping sarcasm was desert dry.
i thought hey its worth losing in order
To make gains/progress. Right?
The problem though is thus..it lightened my mood but didnt make me happy. It just sorta made me more self aware of the happiness that i missing
It just sorta lifted the grey slightly. ..which bummed me
So im a bit worried now.. what if i cant find happiness in the form of a pill?
I know i didnt find it in a bottle..alcohol didnt made me happy nor took away any pain. It didnt do anything for me. Literally i could drink the whole bottle, pass
Out and wake up the next day.. Go
To work without missing a beat...no hangover even
Without it solving anything. Life and work just kept going on.
Like i was trapped in a box.
Now sure different will have different effects on people. They most likely were made for the stereotyped depressed person that cant get out of bed.
Why? Because there obviously is trama or physical change going on/ hormonal change perhaps. Depression usually is categorized as a
Two week change in behavior.
But that isnt my case.. no trauma, no hormonal swing, not a health issue like thyroid condition etc.
Mine is less severe and more like over a lifetime. So it could be just the way my brain developed?
No im not talking like pyscho mass murder that has no empathy and his ma dropped him on his head multiple times brain damage..
...but doctors did find people with depression do have areas of their brain that are more well defined than normal.
So what happen if i do get on a prescription med and i find it has the sorta mood leveling effect...with no higher end happiness?
This reminds me of the novel " flowers for algeron"..
It is the story about this mentally challenged adult named charlie that worked at a bakery.
One day these men from the university approached charlie about a new medical technique that could greatly improve his intellect.
See they tried the experiment previously on a mouse named algeron and his intelligence grew dramatically.
So charlie agrees
To the surgery..it works so well that charlie becomes smarter than the professors.
He agrees
To quit the bakery and work full time on the project.
And spolier alert charlie learns the professors are wrong.
Algeron the mouse is regressing mentally and soon passes on.
And charlie now waits for the other shoe
...his intellect is waining and he too is going to die.
The point of the novel is it better to remain in complete ignorance of your situation ( charlie didnt realise the other bakers routinely made fun of him)..
Or is it better to have a keen awareness of your situation and realise it sorta sucks..
I starting to feel this way about this depression. I enjoy being snarky. When im in the grey i dont worry about being happy or being sad..i just sorta trudge through the day and onto the next. So its sorta like being eeore from winnie the pooh.
But what if say prozac or whatever levels me
Out ..removes the clouds and makes me care...
Then i start think why dont i have this or that.
Like today i was on
and sorta honestly got a bit jealous.
Like why dont i have someone in my life... why cant i be happy like that...which bummed me
So is it better
not feel or feel and be hurt.
I dont want give readers the impression that im a fucking zombie that doesnt feel. Maybe its more like not being able access these emotions that easily. It like the polar opposite of bi polar...instead of swinging from emotional extreme the other..
Im just sorta stuck somewhere in the middle without knowing either side that well.
I think people get the wrong idea about depression...they assume your always sad.
But you could feel trapped or anxious or not careing or disconnected or tired as AF,..etc.
In my case i
not sad...but absense of sadness does not equate happiness either.
Take away the not caring or trapped feelings aspect of my depression and now im faced with the realities of sadness and what it takes
make me happy.
I start caring and find i still have problems.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Brown face?
|
Posted:Sep 19, 2019 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2019 3:57 am 5416 Views
|
I find it interesting how the media comes up with a softer term for racism when it involves our neighbor to the north.
So the prime minister of canada is said to be wearing " brown face" multiple times in his past.
Shockingly he didnt think it racist to apply pigment to his skin to mimmic another race or culture..
Really? Really.
I am not as educated as the prime minister..
But even i knew it is wrong to wear black face...hell i was 7 yrs old when a white guy came to my grandpas house for halloween. His costume was a football player and the guy used shoe polish on his face..
At that point in my young life i never even met anyone that wasnt white..
And i knew it wasnt right.
There is no soft form of racism...there is no way to sugar coat it...you have a younger version of your prime minister in black face 3 seperate times
Should he be forced to step down? That isnt for me to decide. But come the next election you know these pics will be front and center.
|
|
|
8
Comments
|
|
The gray..a quick explanation of my type of depression
|
Posted:Sep 17, 2019 5:13 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 10:58 am 5272 Views
|
I thought i owed the members a brief explanation of my kind of depression.
It isn't that sudden change where bob goes from living for golf with the boys...
To two weeks later the clubs are sitting in his car trunk gathering dust and he now spends his weekend sitting alone in his garage..
Or next week they find bob dead in his garage via suicide.
For me its more like the character venom from the spiderman comic books.. i feel like depression has always been there, it has shaped my life and is an outer shell i wear.
Ive becomed eddie brock.
I call it the grey...never being happy..never being sad...just sorta being...living in a world where your just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Just living to survive the next round.
It is very vulcan/ mr data like existence.
Dont get me wrong i can be " happy"...but its not normal.
It is a feeling i may get around a puppy for example.
Its that instant feeling of overwhelming joy...
That i am usually missing
I can be sad...but its not the normal..it usually takes the death of my mom or my to force me into this mode.
And it literally crushes me
So i wonder in the emotional less middle..the gray.
Perhaps you've noticed that i am " grumpy cat"...duh...
that is part of my depression..i am a pessimist...my roommate playfully calls me the " negator" ..i had people tell me that they couldnt deal with my negativity.
And no its not me bitching..lol.. its me literally taking any subject and automatically gravitating towards a negative arguement
I call myself a survivor..i think of myself as hardcore and really dont need anything.. i call myself the honeybager.. i dont put alot of stock into material things.
Id like to think this is a strength..a by product from growing up uber poor...
But that is part of my depression as well.
My depression is sorta like being iron man.. you had this hard,rough exterior...but you know deep down there has to be someone inside. Right?
Even if it is a brillant,drunkard,asshat of a man...( a tony stark referrence...didnt want you to think i was talking about myself).
Sure i display some of the stereotyped characteristics of depression like quickly losing interests in things..
I can slip into a deeper stereotyped level of depression..its rare but it happens
But my depression is more like a lifestyle...and im just now starting to realize it.
Its like living that matrix lie...you wake up one morning to see a large black man standing before you telling you to chose the red or blue pill.
I just thought i would take a momment to explain why my depression isnt stereotypical. Im not suicidal, i can get out of bed and hold a job,etc..
But that doesnt mean i dont have depression. Im just very functional
Once you get outside the basic questionnaires that most gen practice doctors use... you will find parts of me in the broaden definition of depression. Such as being grumpy cat.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
The gray..a quick explanation of my type of depression
|
Posted:Sep 17, 2019 5:13 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 5:14 am 4825 Views
|
I thought i owed the members a brief explanation of my kind of depression.
It isn't that sudden change where bob goes from living for golf with the boys...
To two weeks later the clubs are sitting in his car trunk gathering dust and he now spends his weekend sitting alone in his garage..
Or next week they find bob dead in his garage via suicide.
For me its more like the character venom from the spiderman comic books.. i feel like depression has always been there, it has shaped my life and is an outer shell i wear.
Ive becomed eddie brock.
I call it the grey...never being happy..never being sad...just sorta being...living in a world where your just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Just living to survive the next round.
It is very vulcan/ mr data like existence.
Dont get me wrong i can be " happy"...but its not normal.
It is a feeling i may get around a puppy for example.
Its that instant feeling of overwhelming joy...
That i am usually missing
I can be sad...but its not the normal..it usually takes the death of my mom or my to force me into this mode.
And it literally crushes me
So i wonder in the emotional less middle..the gray.
Perhaps you've noticed that i am " grumpy cat"...duh...
that is part of my depression..i am a pessimist...my roommate playfully calls me the " negator" ..i had people tell me that they couldnt deal with my negativity.
And no its not me bitching..lol.. its me literally taking any subject and automatically gravitating towards a negative arguement
I call myself a survivor..i think of myself as hardcore and really dont need anything.. i call myself the honeybager.. i dont put alot of stock into material things.
Id like to think this is a strength..a by product from growing up uber poor...
But that is part of my depression as well.
My depression is sorta like being iron man.. you had this hard,rough exterior...but you know deep down there has to be someone inside. Right?
Even if it is a brillant,drunkard,asshat of a man...( a tony stark referrence...didnt want you to think i was talking about myself).
Sure i display some of the stereotyped characteristics of depression like quickly losing interests in things..
I can slip into a deeper stereotyped level of depression..its rare but it happens
But my depression is more like a lifestyle...and im just now starting to realize it.
Its like living that matrix lie...you wake up one morning to see a large black man standing before you telling you to chose the red or blue pill.
I just thought i would take a momment to explain why my depression isnt stereotypical. Im not suicidal, i can get out of bed and hold a job,etc..
But that doesnt mean i dont have depression. Im just very functional
Once you get outside the basic questionnaires that most gen practice doctors use... you will find parts of me in the broaden definition of depression. Such as being grumpy cat.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
The gray..a quick explanation of my type of depression
|
Posted:Sep 17, 2019 5:13 am
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm 4651 Views
|
I thought i owed the members a brief explanation of my kind of depression.
It isn't that sudden change where bob goes from living for golf with the boys...
To two weeks later the clubs are sitting in his car trunk gathering dust and he now spends his weekend sitting alone in his garage..
Or next week they find bob dead in his garage via suicide.
For me its more like the character venom from the spiderman comic books.. i feel like depression has always been there, it has shaped my life and is an outer shell i wear.
Ive becomed eddie brock.
I call it the grey...never being happy..never being sad...just sorta being...living in a world where your just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Just living to survive the next round.
It is very vulcan/ mr data like existence.
Dont get me wrong i can be " happy"...but its not normal.
It is a feeling i may get around a puppy for example.
Its that instant feeling of overwhelming joy...
That i am usually missing
I can be sad...but its not the normal..it usually takes the death of my mom or my to force me into this mode.
And it literally crushes me
So i wonder in the emotional less middle..the gray.
Perhaps you've noticed that i am " grumpy cat"...duh...
that is part of my depression..i am a pessimist...my roommate playfully calls me the " negator" ..i had people tell me that they couldnt deal with my negativity.
And no its not me bitching..lol.. its me literally taking any subject and automatically gravitating towards a negative arguement
I call myself a survivor..i think of myself as hardcore and really dont need anything.. i call myself the honeybager.. i dont put alot of stock into material things.
Id like to think this is a strength..a by product from growing up uber poor...
But that is part of my depression as well.
My depression is sorta like being iron man.. you had this hard,rough exterior...but you know deep down there has to be someone inside. Right?
Even if it is a brillant,drunkard,asshat of a man...( a tony stark referrence...didnt want you to think i was talking about myself).
Sure i display some of the stereotyped characteristics of depression like quickly losing interests in things..
I can slip into a deeper stereotyped level of depression..its rare but it happens
But my depression is more like a lifestyle...and im just now starting to realize it.
Its like living that matrix lie...you wake up one morning to see a large black man standing before you telling you to chose the red or blue pill.
I just thought i would take a momment to explain why my depression isnt stereotypical. Im not suicidal, i can get out of bed and hold a job,etc..
But that doesnt mean i dont have depression. Im just very functional
Once you get outside the basic questionnaires that most gen practice doctors use... you will find parts of me in the broaden definition of depression. Such as being grumpy cat.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The point gods are not in my favor
|
Posted:Sep 16, 2019 7:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 4:16 am 5462 Views
|
Okay alt...we all cowtailed when the new management team took over..
Your removed our freebie gold memberships..
And now apparently blogging no longer earns you points..i topped off at 300..
Now how am i gonna get that alt.com dildo
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Being depressed is sorta like being an alcoholic
|
Posted:Sep 16, 2019 6:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 3:58 am 5193 Views
|
I've been doing alot of reading on the topic of depression.
And it seems like doctors have this stereotypical view of what it is..
1. Mostly female.
2. Probably hormonal
3. Sure you might get it after giving birth
4. Your always sad
5. The moody emo in the guy liner that keeps on talking about death/ suicide.
And for some reason they all think of depression as this sudden two week change in behavior...huh?
It sorta reminds me of the stereotypical alcoholic...we all think white dude in the back of a mobile home with a greasy wife beater on...drinking a 24 pack of nattylites
We dont envision surburban soccer mom.
I actually looked at the various test doctors give patients to determine one's level of depression.
The questions are basically the same and seem to stereotype the idea of what depression is...
Someone that suddenly lost all love of something like a sport..or sex, you cant sleep or sleep too much, you feel worn out or worthless,you lost or gained alot of weight, you think of killing yourself etc..
Which is utter fucking bullshit... those are stereotypes.
Its like saying because i actually can hold a job that i cant be an alcoholic.
I dont live in a trailer so i cant be a drunk.
It's like it's easier to diagnose if you can just cut it down and stuff it into a nice lil box.
Depression is treated like a disease..either you have a mild case or you have it bad.( clinical)
It really should be viewed more like autism..perhaps on a spectrum.
For example i may be really depressed but am highly functioning.. i have a life,i can hold a job. That doesnt mean my depression is less than the person that cant get out of bed...or the mom that cant cope
I have learned to adapt. Maybe i am just better with dealing with my emotions and actually have coping skills
. Maybe i am..me...and not a stereotype
And yes in case your wondering i took their depression test and i got a middle range score.
But that's like saying i can put down alot of vodka..
Obviously im...
Not right. Duh ( im a bad guy)
..but im not the stereotypical drunk.
And if your wondering if i am
a drunk...i honestly can put down alot...no shit its like i come from
A bear fucking a russian in ass while he does a german wench..while smoking a cigarette..the bear i mean
So yeah its in my genes..you wont find that on ancestery. Com.
But i get very lil out of alcohol.
..it doesn't give me pleasure or take away pain..and my body grows a tolerance to it fairly quickly.
Its only when one thinks outside of the box do you find someone like myself..
That most likely has been depressed all my life.
Im hardly the new mom with her post pardium depression..
Im not the mom that cant get out of bed...
Im not robin williams..
I never wore guy liner or had sucidial thoughts.
Im not the person that is supposed to be depressed.
Im not the poster
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Ford vs the Ferrari..a movie about carroll shelby
|
Posted:Sep 16, 2019 5:00 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 3:42 am 4833 Views
|
I saw a movie trailer on youtube really interest ...
Ford vs. Ferrari with Matt damon....it depicts the actions of carroll shelby...the guy walked into the ford motor company and said he is gonna make one bad ass mf er car..
The shelby cobra...
yes they are bad ass..my friend owns one.
I guess the movie is about international racing? Hence the title...shelby wants to make a ford car can beat a ferrari
Anyway its rare for this type of thing to happen in real life..
You dont get a steve jobs type just walks in swinging his nuts and revolutionise an industry..
It's a shame though these sorta bio pics...wether shelby or tolken or aa milne etc. Usually fail at the box office..the 20 somethings have no frame of referrence or simply dont care..
Modern have no clue what a shelby even looks
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
I wonder if alt is dead
|
Posted:Sep 14, 2019 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2019 6:59 pm 5521 Views
|
Ive been on alt for 20 plus years....have blogged for ..
Been shit on and have shitted on alt for a long time now..
We have what you'd call...a bitch relationship.
So it's obvious i've never been one here.
And i get i am not their desired blogger...guess it's cause i dont look cute in a thong...or have big tits.
But come on alt..have you closed some of your sites..
Your boy's are way down.
I know i burned some bridges here..but your main revenue is over seas..what no horny asian guy wants to hear about how crazy americans really are.
Literally alt..i had a guy threathen to shoot me in a road rage incident....and if i was carring? I would have shot his truck.. no shit..being real. The bitch tried to run off the road.. i am whiskey tango.
Alt? Deary...your not trying...hard enough..your boy fucks to the left and fucks to the right..both politically and sexually
And you see no value in ?
Really...who is this new management at alt?...you really need to break 4th wall and talk with ..😚
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
