Traveling?
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Posted:May 1, 2023 10:38 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2023 12:59 am 5295 Views
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Going to visit my sister, she celebrates her birthday, today.
it is a distance of 44, something, kilometers...
In a car you can do it, in 44 minutes....or something about that....
I, going by public transport, bus, will be on the road for 2! hours!!!
For crying out loud!!
I gonna see, every freaking village there is, between her place and mine!!
Aaarch!!!
I soo much dislike the country side.....
Patience, patience...... 
Bought some nice presents for my sister.
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12
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Family matters,
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Posted:Apr 27, 2023 1:23 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2023 11:46 am 5905 Views
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Our aunt, who saved us, is very sick
She is getting more and more demented...
So much so, that it was not longer healthy and safe, for the family to let her stay in her house.
She was living on her own, in a house attached to the house of her and in law......
A very big farm house.
They call that kangaroo living... in the pouce of the family, in the close care of the family and still remain, some privacy... of their own....
Now, she is sort of living, in a care home.....
I visited her, last Tuesday...It broke my heart, to have to see her like that...
Some moments, she was really there, and enjoyed the fact that i visited her.
The next moment, she was almost in tears, because she did not understand why
she was in that house?
It felt like a punishment, of some sort....
So confused......
It was terrible to see her in such a state.....
When my daddy was getting more and more demented, he too,
went to such a care home.....
He too, did not understand why he was there......
Totally confused, telling me, they kept him there, he could not walk out, . he could not go away... i must not talk to loud, because they kept an eye on him....
So sad... so terrible.. so.
He was in the army, during the war in Indonesia... he never talked about that time....
In the end, i told him, that if he wanted to go, "be free" he just could go and die in his sleep.....
He got that message loud and clear.
Because this is my aunt, i cant tell her that, it is up to her to say something like that,
If she wants that....
I dont think, my niece is able to do that...
That moment, is totally about their happiness, not yours at all.
Sometimes family are selfish and dont want that family member, mother, to finish it here.
They want to keep them "alife", for them, not for the sick persons best interest....
And, i do understand that, too...
I can 'see' when they had enough, and need help... so to say...
My sister is also not well, she is showing signs of something going on in her brain....
I really dont know, how and what... some sort of disconnection going on..
.
I go visit her in a week or two and will see how she acts then...
How bad it really is, because i was messaging her, and her reactions were very strange,
just like she was typing to an other drummer, so to say...
Just off....
strange...
She never behaved like that before....
I have a heavy heart, it scares me to death, if my sister is losing it, too....
sighs... sad, very sad.. scary too....
And there is nothing i can do, to make it better....... or different, or.....?
Alt is telling me, i cant post this, because of war arms and god knows what kind of bullzhit they think of, this time...
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10
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Royal day... Kings day.
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Posted:Apr 26, 2023 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2023 1:46 am 5974 Views
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Tomorrow is Royal day here.
Our king is celebrating his birthday. amp;
It is freezing cold!
There is always a free market, and everyone who wants too,
can try to sell off his junk
Most of the time, it is a little folkore thing.
For the it is very exciting to sell their old games, toys and all that
Make some money!
There are also a lot of performance of all kind of bands, music and a lot of drinking going on...
and eating all kind of nasty, greazy shit....
I am not a fan of the Royal family at all
and no Kingsday festival.
at all.
Since we did not have much of a spring anyway, way too cold
Not enough sunshine....
I wont be going!!!
My neighbour her is going to try to sell her old stuff.
and it is freezing cold!
So i gave them some very warm clothing, tarp, a lantern, so they can keep their hands warm.
The mother is working tomorrow, so, i volentered to collect the , when they have enough of it, and, or are too cold!!
I already have the feeling of being a hero!!
I cant stand the cold, that freezing cold wind..... coming from Antartica!
The last two weeks, we have this very cold wind, freezing cold, going on.
It is no fun, to be outside, i am telling you!
There is some sunshine, but that has no power at all, the wind is just too cold!
But, i also cant let those girls stay there, while they are freezing half to death, in this cold?
The mother was very relieved that i volentered to pick them up, while she was working, if they wanted that...
help them get their stuff back to their house....
collecting everything again! Pffff...... 
I am already a hero, by suggesting this.....
She knów how much i dislike the cold.....
So, i will see... fingers crossed.
I hope they have a great time and sell as much as possible.
Kingsday....
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5
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Test!Test? Test!?
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Posted:Apr 25, 2023 2:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2023 2:53 pm 6824 Views
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You have those very populair bdsm tests.
On F.E.T they use it all the time.
In some profiles, it is the first thing you see.
It is a totally unrealible test
You can manipulate every answer, you want too.
I see those as a bullshit test.
Also, if you think, you need a test to prove you are .....?
What ever???
Well, i wont take your word on it, let me tell you that.
I much more believe in the Love Language Test.
It says something about your emotional make up.
I can rely on it, can recognise mé, in the answers.
For sure, you could manipulate that test too,
But why would you?
It tells you something about your needs and wants in a relationship.
Not necessary being a romantic relation but just about any relation, friendship building.
So,
i put that test on here, just for the fun of it.
I did the test! 
The Love Language Test!
My Love Language is;
30% Acts of Service,
27% Quality Time,
27 % Physical Touch.
recieving gifts; 3%
words of affirmation; 13%
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10
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I almost cut my.......?
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Posted:Apr 20, 2023 12:11 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2023 12:01 pm 9947 Views
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No!
not my hair - Great song, though...
Crosyby, Stills and Nash?? something?
anyone??
No, i almost cut my big toe nail in two!
Yeah, well, sometimes I am a bit too enthousiastic, working with a new garden tool!
Not wearing my protective shoes...
jajadjajaja
Shhhhh
I know, stupid
But, i was only trying this thing out, see how it works.... 
It has real sharp points wich you can put in the ground and twist around to make the ground go loose again....
Great tool, not while wearing canvas shoes!!
It hurted like a real MF, i inmediately put the tool down, went inside
It felt like my toe was bleading already.
High pain treshold, you know??
Also outside the SM games....
Inside, i put my shoe out, very carefully; Aaah, thank the Lords, no blood!
i had cut just beneath my big toe nail
I massaged my toe nail untill the pain was gone.
Then i kissed my toe, for being such a strong toe....
Did not work in the garden, anymore, with that tool.
Learned a lesson.
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31
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(Page:)
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Reading,
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Posted:Apr 19, 2023 10:03 am
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2023 11:55 am 9301 Views
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Is a passon for me.
I do it to learn, to relax, to have some body count, blood shed.......
This time i read a book, about building a M/s dynamic/ relation,
It is a great book
I learn with almost every page i turn...
His name is;
Jack Rinella, he is a Leather gay man.
I love his way of explaining, the basics of building such a loving dynamic.
He also mentioned, to NOT go to munches, partys, events.
Because there, you wont find any Master.
You only find those who play the game, no dominance. leadership qualities...
at all...
It was such a relief, to read that.
Because, that is what i was already thinking.
It was a acknowledgement of how i experienced those munches
Dont get me wrong, some munches, were not that bad.
I mean, some decent people, who were able to hold a conversation,
about something else then their genitalia/ porn fantasy, etc...
Who had a idea about how this world is doing, at the moment.
Who have some logical thoughts, about health, healthcare, childcare
and all the political games going on, worldwide ....
The real world, so to say.
Because, actually, the munches i have been going to.......
Nah......
Go to were the power is, is what he said.....
I am not even halfway, into his book.
I read every day, it is something i specially like to do, before going to sleep...
There are books, everywere, in my house, well, not in my shower, offcourse.
I always feel like a sponge, when reading, learning something new.
Makes me feel soo happy!
Keep using your brains, girls and boys!!
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11
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How many fish in the pond?
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Posted:Apr 18, 2023 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2023 12:54 pm 8702 Views
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I had some real gems again.....
It is actually really funny, to see them wrestle with how to approach a woman,
who is suppose to be submissve...
While they did not even take the time, to read my profile or any of my writings.
They are really cleuless.
They even lack on those basics!
It is all about them,
Or it is written like a job application....
WTH?
Realy funny
No introduction.
Not explaining why they write to mé and not any of the other 6 triljoen women?
Not showing any interpersonal interest in mé, or in what i wrote in my profile?
Nothing.......
It is always great to be made feel very special...
It is certainly becoming spring, that is for sure!
Horny dogs left, right and centre!
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10
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Having a safe place,
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Posted:Apr 16, 2023 2:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2023 3:51 am 9002 Views
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Although my youth/childhood was not really healthy and a safe place.
when one of the parents are emotionally totally not stable at all...
We, actually, never could predict what would happen, at any given day or time.
And even on days, that seems to start off good, youll never knew, when shit hit the fan, again, and especially why, what did trigger that madness....
So you could try to find some sort of pattern....
Not.
There was no pattern, that was the pattern.
And, although it was most of the time a sort of kind of dangerous place for us, ,
i somehow, always could make this feel good place inside me.
Be content, Be the happy me, i was, deep down inside,
no matter what happened...
I allways had this mental safe heaven, so to say...
Because i did understood, her madness, had nothing to do with me, "being mad, dangerous, should be death.... kind of crazyness...
It was all about hér, what ever did happen in her head, not me, never mé.
I knew that, very early on, on a instinctual level....
Once i discovered that it did not matter what i did, or did not do, or say
I would get hit any way....
I just said the things that happened, and that, that was not oke, at all, as young as i was.
I just said what i saw happening... I did get hit, anyway!
So, what did it matter, i better get hit for telling the true, then for any kind of inmaginary wrong doing, just to be able to punish the .... me.
To lash out.....
As young as i was, that was my attitude!
Funny, dont you think? a of maybe five, six?
Healthy people cant wrap their head around this.
I can understand, that.
This is soo fucked up, in soo many ways....
But that is my back ground, i did a whole lot of work on mé,
so to become some sort of stable person, with a core, always still a bit crazy, ofcourse, but healthy crazy, i believe...
Being happy, being mé.
Being worth it, all of it.
too.
I knów what i am worth, and there is NO person in the world, who is gonna try and convince me otherwise...
Humiliation and degradation does not work on me, on the contrary....
Because of my back ground, i am also not that easily impressed with people and their behaviour.
I have seen it all and worst.
I see, most of the time, right through them and their little games...
We talked about this, the last time, my sister was at my place.
We both laughed alot about her totall madness.....
How i was such a figther, so young.
I also did not care, for being beatin for what i said....
I knew, i told the fact.
Not impressed wiith her violence......
Sure, sometimes afraid, but not impressed....
You understand the difference?
School of hard knocks.
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10
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One thing my therapiste told me, once, many years ago...
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Posted:Apr 16, 2023 5:15 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2023 12:52 pm 8849 Views
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I did the eye movement EMDR,
Desentisization, therapy.
It works real good, is my experience.
The time to talk your trauma to death, is not really working, anyway....
This woman, we talked about my background,
The way i was 'programmed' if you want to cal it that....
Is what is known, 'safe' in its own sick way.
So, finding a partner is to say the least, tricky...
Because of my background.
Ofcourse, I am NOT my background, but it was a big part of my 'socialisation'......inprint..
If you want to use that word....?
It is what i know, it is what i recognise,
It does not have to mean, it is safe of wise to go that way?
BUT, it is something that resonance within mé.
The other day, i was at a shop, the staff of that shop, all have some mental something... crazyness.... live in a protected house, with 24/7 staff around...
There works this person, she is a borderline diagnosed
That is very dangerous ground for me.....
And, still i recognised... thát, what was.....
I do believe that people, who had some sort of (extreem?) toxic experiences with their "parents".
have this little hook, so to say... mentally.....
In wich, they get hooked to people, who are basiscally dangerous for them,
mentally..
Because, maybe not even knowingly.... get caught in the webs of such a person...
Because they recognice thát.
That is known!
They, think, they know, what to expect...
It is a pitall....
People with toxic experience in their childhood, should avoid those triggers, people, like the plague..
So, very counter productive, maybe in their experiences, they should go, for the socalled 'dull' people,
the emotional stable, the not lying and cheating kind..."exciting" kind...
The ones that not shout out, adventures!!,danger, but oooh sooo attractive, in a wrong, sick, fucked up way,
you wont get what you want, éver, with mé,
kind of folks....
Oh, i will give you some snippits, but i will break you down, for wanting those snippits....
The kind, that as soon as the have an idea, about your wants and needs, and especially your hurt pattern,
Will go for the slow, very, slow emotional kill.
Leaving you half death, emotionally...
Hurt again!
The endless repetition from your childhood abuse pattern....
I think, a partner who knows this, who is indeed, an emotional stable, full grown up adult, has to understand this mechanism, in folks who are hurt within their core, their basis, as a human.
Marked for life.
EMDR can desentize it, the rest is up to the person, to handle, to be aware of,
this life long pitfall....
And, i do recornize it!
this pattern....
So, for now, i stay away from guys, men, in general......
Keep my distance.....
Because of the fact that i knów my own pitfall.
Dont want to go there, ever again!
As a sign i do take my own words serious, i did cut that contact with this boderline person.
Emotional Roller coaster is not my idea, of being happy and content...
That is a too high a price.....
I a worth much, much more....
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9
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From bicycle bags to clitorus,...?
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Posted:Apr 16, 2023 4:39 am
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2023 8:44 pm 8510 Views
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Yeah,
Dont ask.
That is what happens when i am on the serach machine.....
It is like an encyclopedia ...
i go from this to that , to just an other interesting topic, untill i am lost and
wonder why i was even ón this what ever....?
What was i looking for, in the first place? lol
So, searching for some good bags to travel, to put on my bike..
I found a real great brand, i think, i am going to buy those.
Ortblieb is the brand name......
This article about all the nerves in a clitorus,was really very interesting
That most women/ girls dont need penetration to get an orgasm.
That you can tighten your upper leg muscles, and by doing so, you can get an orgasm
because, it is not about the tip of the clitorus, that is the one and only focus,
It is the whole nerve system...
Most women dont like it, when their tip of their clitorus is rubbed, over and over again....
It is the whole area of the clitoral muscles.....
Then i read something about chestnuts, the kind you cant eat
You can make soap from them.
Just cut them in small pieces, put those pieces in water in a jar, close the jar,
10 minutes later, depending on how big the chuncks are,
you have soap, you can use to do your laundry with.
sieve the pieces, use the chestnut water for you laundry...
No waste, no plastics.
and clean soap, recycle, circulation ecology....
all in one go.
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15
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