Behind me Satan!
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Posted:Mar 11, 2011 11:07 am
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2022 2:33 pm 36120 Views
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Feb 2010
So I took off this morning, went shopping. I am one of the few girls who HATE shopping btw.
So coming back from errands in the East valley, I took Sepulveda which would seem pretty innocent, right? There is usually something I am trying to “work through” when I take Sepulveda. Not every time, but most times. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was starving and really needed food and didn’t want to jump on the freeway.
Sepulveda and I, we go way back. And again, why did I take that street? Maybe because I DO flirt with my past as it “calls me out” from time to time. Or, maybe because I was just really fucking hungry?
So driving by, the memories knock on my door as I’m driving. No more pain associated with past hurts from being in that area many years ago, a homeless girl. And if there is still pain, it’s pretty deep.
Living in laundry mat bathrooms, getting robbed by hookers, staying at night in abandoned gas stations, getting beat up by guys. But… surviving like I always have. You know, the good ol’ days. Almost two decades ago now btw.
But all of that was before I met my wonderful husband, who most literally saved my life. He carried me out of the fiery chaos that was my metaphoric burning house. Bless him. What a guy. How does a girl get so lucky anyway?
But the thing is, as I told myself that I am no longer that person (which I am NOT as anyone who knows me now will attest), my chest became tighter, and tighter, the further I drove. And I realized I had to eat. So I pulled over at one of my little past haunts for Filipino food (love it).
I’ve been going to this place for a really long time. They were very nice to me when I was on the street, and they give me food after closing. This was in 1990.
So today, I walk in and see it’s the original owner. I remembered her well. Older now, but it was her for sure (family run business). Then her then came out, I remembered her too.
At first she didn’t recognize me. Then it clicked for her. I was the homeless girl, the one who would come in now and then and get food.
She gave me a big hug. She told me how good I looked. I knew in the process of this conversation there was supposed “closure” in there somewhere, but I wasn’t feeling good really. In fact, I was trying with all my might to hold it together. Fighting it, regretting going in there.
Then she said it. And I felt for a second that I couldn’t breathe. Through my outward smile, my heart was racing. A lot.
She said “I remember the night you were beat up”. I was speechless. Thank you universe! It’s time to deal with this now? DON’T wish to deal with this now.
Cringing inside, I smiled back at her and told her “yes, I know the time you are referring to, but I didn’t get beat up that time.”
Moving on, looking at the menu, I could tell that wouldn’t pacify. Then came the stare. She said “well, it looked like it that night?”.
Um. Yea. Well “sort of”. So I continued, “What happened is… I jumped out of a moving car about a ½ block away from here. Someone called an ambulance, it’s all a little sketchy still”.
So I ate my lunch, we hugged, and I scurried my ass back home to my loving husband (fairly quickly I might add).
And I kept it all in, about my day as sometimes these things are a little touchy for me to talk about at times face to face with him (hence writing). I mentioned it to him a couple of days later though.
So that leads me to this. Writing. For closure? I guess. Pouring my heart out to you, my personal journal… who gets to see it, my most private inner thoughts. My transparent soul.
So there were a couple of experiences I had put myself in during that period of time, which was not so favorable. The hardest part of working through all that was the fact that I PUT MYSELF there. In each and every fucked up experience, it was totally my doing, my fault. Therefore I harbor a certain amount of guilt from it going down like that, and to this day it kind of fucks with me (much better though knock on wood). And I have dealt with most of the big stuff that happened during that lovely time, but this one memory. Well it is a doosie. And I always had known it would be really hard to “go there”.
There is one experience which is the culprit of my trust issues with people, and men in particular. (well there are more than one but this is the biggest). And I never had really dealt with that particular memory. And rehashing the past, well I know I do it (too much) but really I would like to just work through it and get rid off the pain attached.
Its MORE than time to try and let go of the pain. The experience I have not really dealt with, nor have I told too many about, and no one have I told the entire story to. I have been baby stepping towards closure of it, in my own way anyhow.
THE MEMORY
A long time ago when I lived on the street, I would hitchhike. And this one time a man picked me up. He seemed nice enough, coming from a good place, I thought anyway. He told me it was obvious that I was addicted to drugs, and was pretty down and out. He seemed to empathize with my situation, how hard it must be to keep going at times. But I had to of course. My guard was up though. As I didn’t trust men in general as my situation (homeless/dependant on sex for survival) tended to bring out their bad sides.
So this man, he offered me a bottled water and I remember thinking “its drugged, don’t take it”. I also thought that maybe he had some type of recording device in his car, and that maybe he was a cop.
I was SUCH a scared little girl looking back, and I couldn’t trust many there.
But he continued to talk to me, like a person. A human being, despite my obvious paranoia.
He told me he could help me, off the street. And he offered me a way out. He told me to do my thing, but think about it. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t try to get me to blow him, he did none of that. He only offered help. Then he dropped me back off.
Was I taking crazy pills? (Um, well… yea… but that’s beside the point  . Needless to say I was floored, as that didn’t happen a whole lot (or ever). And for the next few days I walked, I thought, I talked to myself, I hoped…
I whored…..
But it was different now, I had a tinge of hope, from this stranger. He was different, and I was starting to be able to trust someone, about time!
I allowed myself to have hope which caused me to “feel”. Even the drugs couldn’t numb this feeling. And I daydreamed. About breaking the chains that held me, of drugs. Of no longer putting myself in fucked up situations in order to survive. Of my wayward life being complete. Of being home again with my family, of Christmas time, and warmth, and my mother and father. Of my animals who were being taken care of by my parents. And my little girl, I felt at that time she was better off without me. Who was waiting patiently for her mom to come home, because I was “sick”. My cross to bear.
And I walked or hitchhiked everywhere. To my methadone clinic. That was a joke. I failed detox about 20 times. And each time I would fail, I would fall deeper into despair. It would pound into me, I was never going to get better. I would never kick the chains that bound me.
Janes Addiction’s song called “Jane says” would go through my head daily “Im gonna kick tomorrow”. But that day… 18 years ago… drugs were literally a thought (and a blow job) away.
So back to the guy who would “take me off the street”. Fast forward, I got arrested (again, like 4th time in a row. FUCK). And released. And now I had another case. So the timing was great. I was giving serious thought to getting clean, and blowing that popsicle stand.
So a day or two later, who do I see pull up? Him! It was HIM. The one, the one who had planted that seed of trust. The one who offered me help off the street. He asked me if I wanted a ride. Of course I accepted. I was ready! I wanted out.
And he pulled over. And he asked me if I had thought about what he said. And I said yes. I had. He said he wanted to help me, but wanted me to ASK him to help me off the street. So I thought about it. It was a crossroads moment for me. I took the high road. I told him I did. And he repeated, “Do you want help off the street?” and I repeated “yes, I am ready, I really do”.
And he touched my face, I saw his smile. And the warmth filled me. Then I saw his eyes, and his smile vanished… being replaced by a cold stare, an anger filled him. His hand went down and wrapped around my throat, squeezing a little more each time he said it, and he repeated it “Do you want me to help you off the street?”, I froze in terror. My instincts have once again betrayed me. Then my survival instinct kicked in and I fucking flipped out.
I always have been a survivor. I grabbed at his hand, then I opened the door, so he sped away thinking he had me, but what he didn’t count on, what he didn’t realize is that I am a survivor at any cost. And I did just that.
I jumped out of his moving vehicle. I hit the ground as he drove away. I was alive! I had injuries, but that fucker was not going to end my life. Next thing I remember was the paramedics over me. My only scar from that time is on my left shoulder. My guardian angel must have been riding on my right one.
Needless to say I have had trouble trusting men in the past, but I am a pretty good judge of character now. I have a moment now and then, but usually it comes out with play.
Time has helped too. And I really am no longer that girl. But I have been known to tow the line on danger at times throughout the last 20 years (my poor husband). I love fear, have been addicted to it. And it has taken me a lot of years to undo the “stuff” that even the BDSM community would frown on. But that experience (and a couple of others which were too much for me to handle mentally) attached themselves to my sexuality. It’s interesting how that works. I still like edge in a trusted environment, but it is rare that I tow the deep “darky darkness” (although it does call me from time to time).
So I became a crisis counselor in the 90’s to understand the things that happened to me. To work through the self destruction that attached itself to my sexuality. And I have Demons. Everyone does. But I no longer fight them. My inner darkness is a valuable part of me in the recesses of my mind. I cherish it in some morbid way. And I can see it in others, and I surround myself now with people who are true to themselves. Who don’t buy into the standard box of society. Fuck that, I’d rather die.
And I’m happy that way. And I am NOT that girl any longer who was scared and drug addicted. But being to hell and back, I have gained true understanding, the important things in life.
Spirituality, the wonderful moments with friends, my family, my animals. I would never throw caution to the wind, and put myself in harm’s way now. No way. And I will continue to walk the road of forgiveness. And forgive myself for putting “me” in situations that inevitably hurt me dearly.
Because I have WORTH.
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erotica, you finish the ending :)
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Posted:Feb 18, 2010 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2022 1:12 pm 33835 Views
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We chatted quite a bit. I felt I knew you pretty well. Excited to finally meet. Seems we had been through a lot together already, sharing our daily struggles, our darkness, our light too. I had been a trusted friend, and so were you, it seemed.
Sure, I saw signs, but maybe a part of me chose to ignore them, you were a pervy one like me after all. And we all have our alter egos I suppose, our demons, whether we share them or not, for the most part everybody has them.
And you were always there with that little yellow solid happy face in my phone in messenger, all I had to do was look, and you were with me. Remember the night I was alone eating Thai food next to that bar? You told me to just be careful if I went in alone. You said there are a lot of crazies out there looking for a girl alone, but you saw I went anyway.
That rebellious part of me, the strong girl who can always take care of herself. Especially with strangers who don’t know me, I keep them at bay. But you were no stranger.
So the day finally came. We were to meet face to face. This soul who I bared my entire being to, this soul who had mentored me, even chastised me on occasion when I wasn’t being a “good girl” in one way or another.
We pulled up at the same time. Big hugs, smiles. Butterflies. So nice to finally meet face to face, a friend who understood me so well. How far I’d come. I could be myself around you, yet I felt my vulnerable little girl was present. Rare.
You told me you could ride in my car, to drive to a place nearby for lunch but it was a great little scenic town where you live, beautiful. Off we went, but you directed me to keep going, you would show me around the town before we settled for lunch.
I drove. You directed. You had me veer off to the right, saying there was a lake nearby. Pretty, scenic, and it looped back around to town. So I drove, but as I did, you became less chatty. I sensed your tone change. Now I became quiet as well.
I continued to drive, feeling that edge. Fear was building. The thoughts raced through my mind. “No, he wouldn’t do that, would he?” Wondering if you realized that I was scared. Trying not to act like I was. You told me it was just a little further. To go left near the curve. It became obvious that town was far behind us. Despair took over. I wrestled in my mind with overwhelming guilt. I thought to myself of how many times I had wanted this in my head, yet being confronted with it at that moment, was very different.
Being in a vulnerable place, with a person I seemed to know well, after all of our discussions you would give me that true edge I thought I had relinquished forever. Fear was my enemy, yet resonated like an old familiar friend. Tapping on the closed door of my deepest darkest corners, the corners I thought I’d never visit again. Maybe you felt it was the ultimate gift, to me. Letting me off the hook. Consensual non consent.
You told me to stop the car and put it in park. I think you may have noticed out of the corner of your eye my hands were shaking. My tears welled up in response to the beat of my pounding heart. You were staring straight ahead, I could tell you were thinking hard. You were calm, no need to raise your voice, you knew that I knew. You knew we had all the time in the world, you knew there was no one that would stop it, including me. And we were both quiet. For what seemed like forever.
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Path out of self destruction
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Posted:Feb 18, 2010 1:08 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:25 am 34341 Views
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Someone had asked me how I was able to work through my past self destructive ways (not to be confused with still being fucked up, anyone who knows me knows Im still that! But its different
They were wondering if I currently still have issues with that. I know I’ve written about this before (like, a lot! Like almost every blog!). But I was thinking my response could be helpful to others in that situation who are just baby stepping, or people who have past issues which haunt them (the root cause in my case) or in a nutshell for those who just care and dont want to go back through a shitload of blogs!
I may sometimes still wrestle with certain issues, generally be "down", or a little heavy/deep thinking, but one thing I am no longer is self destructive.
I can honestly say I have truly found self worth. And when I’m down I don’t think about seeking real danger etc like I used to.
So at one time seeking out (only) play, I realize only this last year that it was a self destruction thing, working through my past in a semi controlled manner. Hubby trying to keep me safe throughout, give me bit of edge, however my cup could not be filled! My inner slut wanted true edge, not a shadow of it. And I was a time bomb of self destruction.
So I met this Dom last year who finally helped me out of it, by taking me "there", truly taking me to my past hurts, experiences that made me "this way". Holding my hand as he did so. I was far from alone. And far from being in control which is what I ultimately yearn for with all my being.
We had a good friendship. He was looking more for a bottom, yet a connection (boy did HE get more than he bargained for!). Not a relationship for he has a supportive wife and a great marriage. As do I.
We were excited that we had made a positive and caring connection, with a good exchange of power, it was really the perfect situation for both of us.
He took the time to get to know me. My triggers, issues etc. He also knew he could help me. And that is just what he did.
On a hot afternoon in the back seat of my car (calculated btw) he made me confront all that pain I had built up, behind a wall of emotional concrete that all the play in the world couldn’t get to, and my trust in him finally made it happen.
Giving into my demons, I felt his empathy for me in every slap, in every harsh word. He needed to take me back to the starting point. The time and place where my pain manifested in the first place. Yet with an undercurrent of empathy and care. And it worked better than years and years of counseling!
Being forced to keep my eyes on him, to watch him and every single thing he was doing was the very hardest part. I was used to retreating, hiding. And cumming during a scene? Forget about it. It could never happen (hubby excluded). I still have a hard time with cumming in front of others. Damn trust issues.
It had always been a goal to cry during “play” (hate that word). But I knew deep inside it was what I needed to heal, which in the back of my mind is what I ultimately need from BDSM as a whole. Healing. No, I dont play at this. Its serious to me (although I do really wish I could play at it, at times. Iknow it would be a WHOLE lot easier to my husband).
So that day, whenever I would feel the tears well up, I would try to hide and cover my face, and hold it together. But he wouldn’t allow it.
He made me look at him, he made me beg for it, he forced me to ask for him to do what he was doing. He made me watch his hand before each slap that came down so hard upon my face, then say "please" before it came down. And it wasnt just the actions of him doing so (any Dom can slap a girl around, right?). It was the dance of us connecting on that level all together.
All the while confronting my demons until my big wall came crashing down once and for all. For 3 (very intense) hours. Just him over me. I felt very tiny that day. I was wrestling between my little girl wanting to break for him, and my inner slut not letting me. It was quite the event indeed.
Funny we never even got to penetration. When I finally broke through, all the pain came rushing out of me and the tears wouldn’t stop. With timed perfection he then quite literally caught me in his arms. Completely stripped, a total mess, a pile of quivering jello, reduced to a broken little girl.
I felt his empathy for me throughout, yet even more so at that moment. He reminded me that I wasn’t that person from years ago any longer. That I am a different person now. He said all the right things. A piece of him stayed with me after that. He knew he could help me and he did. lucky me.
I also received my first (real) bare handed spanking that day. I don’t think I’ve ever had such marks from a spanking than from that first one. Ouch! And to think I had to PUT MYSELF WILLINGLY over his lap. But it was his way of showing me security, and to be a good girl of course (as if).
But my hubby was not doing good. The week before he was seeing signs of my sexuality getting out of balance. I had been off the hook, my inner slut seemed out of control etc. I was triggered.
He knew what this meant in the past. I seemed different this time, truly out of control. Just getting a Dom to play me in a motel room wasn’t going to cut it. He was at a loss, gripping in his own way.
His uneasiness was building up, he was getting more and more frustrated. He was not going allow this chaos. He didn’t like the effect the whole encounter was having on me. Yet he was still trying to be okay about it, having met my Dom friend who seemed cool enough he allowed me to see him again (our time that day described above).
Hubby had no idea of what really happened that day, of my incredible healing that had just occurred. And because I sensed his uneasiness, I was treading lightly and couldn’t explain it all myself, let alone to him. I just knew he was tripping and things were not right with him. And the guilt set in, my worst enemy, yet my oldest friend. I hated myself for putting him through that, for being who I was.
Sure enough, the very next day his hammer came down. His misunderstanding of the intensity that I was going though caused him to stop all contact with my Dom friend, he told me it was over. Like a grizzly bear when injured, he tends to react harshly. Then once things calm down we can usually talk be rational, but that wasnt happening this time.
So I had to let my Dom friend know that it was over which almost killed me. I knew he didn’t deserve this. He had always said if something happened he wished to still remain friends. But that wasn’t an option now, sadly.
Then inwardly I dropped into a million pieces.
What timing, all this shit still coming out. My Dom friend was literally in mourning as well. He didnt want to take me away, he loved his wife, and life etc. He didn’t know what to do as well. There was nothing. He just bowed out.
But my healing seed was still very much in place, just now a hiccup in the road.
My sadness turned to extreme rage and rebellion. I went into deep self destruction mode (think rest stops, truck stops, sex shops, which luckily I never had anything bad happen). All while holding it together publicly in front of vanilla friends and family.
I was experiencing all the feelings I’d had many years before. Feelings of being angry with men who had hurt me, of myself who had allowed it. Extreme weak moments. Needing pain to make it go away. Throwing myself at my husband to slap it all out of me, like years before when I first met him. To make my demons go away. But he just couldnt go there, he was still hurting himself. I was very lost.
But the seed to recovery was sewn, and true healing was on its way (yea!) It was just a matter of time before my inner (destructive) sexuality was gone. Replaced with self worth. And strength. And balance. And WANTING to be a good girl (a struggle for sure).
And now of course I still love rough play etc, but its not coming from a past time that I’m trying to wrap my head around. I can enjoy it for what it is.
And the best thing is overall Ive settled. And am able to live in reality again. My hubby healed as well, and realized that he may have over reacted at the time. When he saw I was ultimately ok he even allowed me to see my Dom friend again, which I do from time to time.
I know I still have a couple of walls left, and in time I can work on those. But one thing at a time, right? I was able to deal with a major issue and for that I am truly thankful. A work in progress? Yes. Dark and down? Sometimes. But atleast I'm no longer self destructive!
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Dacryphilia
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Posted:Jan 23, 2010 11:11 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2014 9:25 pm 34869 Views
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On one profile I noted the word of the day was Dacryphilia-
The subject of tears during sex? Or during BDSM? Or during terror not pertaining to sex?
It is describing what the OTHER person feels if Im understanding correctly. The one who enjoys the reaction of tears, for whatever reason.
So what would be the word that describes the GIVER of tears? A "baby" I guess
A Master who runs/owns a play club here in the valley once told me "who wouldnt LOVE a crying blowjob? If he is a Dom, he would absolutely LOVE a girl crying on his dick".
Sounds correct to me. I think he might be right
Feeling the knot in my throat, eyes filling up, immediately trying to hide...maybe because I feel weak? Or that my Dom friend Dark Companion had to be a witness of me breaking apart like that? But he always said it's ok, don't hold back. Just let go because he knows I need it, even encourages it on some level. Maybe he is a closet Dacryphiliac? Lol
Tears feel SO GOOD don't they?! It is the ultimate! But where does it come from?
I know where it does NOT come from.
Physical pain.
Humiliation (although I could see that happening if I ventured into that with someone I don't know very well and cared about).
But it's neither of those. It comes from having a sensitive heart. It comes from being into that other person so much at the moment, the emotion overwhelms me.
Dacryphilia-
"Dacryphilia is primarily associated with males. Dacryphilia is often the basis of humiliation in the pain/restriction/servitude/humiliation' spectrum of BDSM, for example, a dominant verbally abuses the submissive in order to elicit a tearful response. Similarly, a dominant may physically torture the submissive to draw tears in a pain scene. In this way, dacryphilia is a form of sadism."
It's a shame that some Doms have to resort to that to get tears from a sub, when its so much easier/cleaner to get the same reaction from pulling on her heart strings.
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Random thoughts
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Posted:Jan 23, 2010 11:09 am
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:25 am 33761 Views
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Damn. Another year gone by (cringe), they seem to go by so quickly these days. After 25 the years fly by twice as fast, I swear.
I look around at other women my age, and I think to myself "Do I look like these people?". I dont think so. They all seem so fake. Is that harsh? I know I don't ACT like them. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up (is that wrong?). I’m just a simple girl in many ways.
Mainly I see women my age, into shopping, manicured fake nails and designer clothes, men with lots of money etc. entertaining their plastic friends, putting cash away for their next surgery... or divorce. In my eyes they really have nothing. And they look somewhat older to me too, older than their age, the harder they try, the faker they become, terribly unnatural. I guess I shouldn’t judge, its their life, whether it looks fake to me or not. What do I know? More importantly, what do they know?
Certainly not how it feels to give of one's self completely during raw uninhibited sex… Like being ed through my tears, with face slaps and a hand creeping to grasp my throat, yet with trust, underlying love and intensity… without abandon. Or wearing a ball gag, tied and helpless, having a Dom kiss the edges of my stifled lips, telling me what a beautiful cunt I am. My breath taken away when I see the hood, knowing I will have no idea what is coming next. And finally, to feel pain, is to feel life.
No, instead they will put out once a week so their lifeless money based marriages stay "healthy", when all along HE has a little dish on the side who will blow him now and then, when he can sneak away money for a room without the wifey seeing the bill. Aw, what do I know. Im just talking shit. I guess everyone isn't like that, I hope.
But what I learned mainly this year is if there is no connection, I mean a deep connection, those acts are meaningless. And I will drop if I settle for less than that. Which I hate the feeling of. Its just not worth it.
Sigh...
So I bought a toy this week. But it may be too big. I don't know. Im afraid to open it. So its still sitting in my closet. Clear red, called the "9 inch Big Boy". Sounds like a bad gay porno. I tried to get one shorter, but wanted the width, as the stretching thing really resonates with me. Reminds me of fisting I guess. Love that pain.
But my eyes might have been bigger than my cunt, yet again...at least using it alone, might prove to be too challenging. So why do I keep doing that?
I guess it's like getting too much food at a buffet, it all really looks great, but you find yourself too full to ingest it all...
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No longer bound...
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Posted:Jan 11, 2010 11:28 am
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2022 1:07 pm 35943 Views
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“You were born of darkness. As was I. You belong back there. Don't shy away from the true beauty within your soul. It makes you exceptional, not like the rest of these soulless creatures.
And you know it. You feel it. You ache for it."
I don't belong back there. It would be moving backwards. I had love growing up, it has always been my script to seek it. The beauty is, I now have found my worth. I can still have that darkness. Its part of who I am. With love, a person can endure, can walk the depths of the lowest degradation, humiliation, pain, torture. But without love and only darkness, there is no contrast, which is just empty. That is what I learned this year… my continued healing journey that started 20 years ago, came to a head for me 10 months ago today as a matter of fact. Last year was for growth. And now I have come full circle.
And I am exceptional, but not because I’m a broken and scared mess, seeking chaotic pain to stop the emotional pain. It’s because of my strength, true strength that I have gained. To face pain, and reality, and not try to run from it.
My heart still walks on a razors edge, and intensity takes over, but make no mistake, feeling deeply is not to be confused with feeling an unhealthy darkness, a cloud of self destruction.
Hear this. We talked when I was in the middle of a life changing transformation. There was no contrast then, only darkness. I am not that girl any longer. It was just growth, and insanity. I HAVE still retained who I was, but now I see things in a different perspective. The light shines brightly now. And THAT is true power.
You got under my skin last night. Made me think, and ALMOST second guess myself. It is so tempting to let others sway your mind and your actions. THAT is where the greatest challenge occurs.
But especially for you as a Dominant, true strength lays in self control. If you don’t have that, it is self “perceived” strength and it really is a massive weakness.
Yes, there is a part of me that is attracted to the "darker" side of things. But I can’t be taken to the deepest depths of darkness, without that distant spark of light. There HAS to be that contrast. Of someone pulling on my heart strings at the same time they are pulling the chain attached to my skin.
Each of us views the world based on our childhood experiences of love (or lack of), but for those that are lost, we can be guided home. We only have to find the right person to do this. Heaven help the souls who fall into the waiting arms of a monster. There’s almost no chance.
Through unconditional love, each of us can be shown that we each possess a great sense of worth. Love is evolving, growing, forgiving. Without it we become our worst enemy, stagnant, falling into a downward spiral… into the depths of a blood red river… that leads nowhere.
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C.U.N.T and fisting and such.
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Posted:Jan 10, 2010 10:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2010 10:56 am 33987 Views
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They say be careful who you bear your soul to. I guess that has always has been my downfall on here. But I just can’t help it, my words just have to flow. I guess I could write and not post, but in my experience I’ve had more positive feedback than bad. Other than the occasional asshole, but you know, they are everywhere right?
C. U. N. T
That word. It really stirs people up doesn’t it? It has so many meanings to so many people. From the vanilla lady who is mortified when she hears it. To the English guy who uses it to insult someone, usually a man. To the Dom who uses it as a pet name for his muse. Yum. I like that one.
I love that feeling, of dressing up before a session, of putting on my makeup and making sure every hair is in place, of pulling up my stockings one at a time, feeling more like a cunt right then than any other time. Of hearing him drive up, the car door slamming, the footsteps. Me, having a heart attack behind the door, but then catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and feeling beautiful, a cunt for His pleasure. And when he sees me… his words “My cunt”. Sigh.
But the subject of the day is fisting. Damn I miss that. Its just been way too long. Sugarmagnolia2 said she’s do it, just one problem. Shes not really bi, and neither am I. But even then she said she could still do it, probably if we drank enough. And shes wearing a cast right now so it would have to be with her good hand. And I asked her if she could do all the other little cool triggers that go with fisting, like counting backwards and telling me to breathe deep now and then to push the hand in further etc, and her response was “I may be blonde but I can count backwards, and as far as breathing Ill just pretend we are in a Lamaze class!”. Gee, thanks girl. What a friend. And she could probably call me a cunt too while doing it, but it would be more like a friend just saying it “So cunt, can we go shopping at the mall after this? Damn you’re dry, need more lube!”. Yea, wouldn’t be the same.
And it’s nice to you all who have been writing offering to help me, but I have this weird thing. I don’t see strangers, or people I don’t know very well. It’s dangerous. And besides, I can’t just play with anyone, they have to KNOW me, really know me… and even might I go as far to say, they would have to care for me on some level. Or the hardest part will be the day after… when I sink, feeling like a who gave in and settled. And those days are behind me now. I can’t let that happen. I mean everyone has a fist, right? That’s not the thing, if it were Id have Sugarmagnolia2 come over and do it. Its not about the act per see, it’s about doing the act with someone on a deep emotional level. I wish my Dom friend was available more often. Sigh.
Besides, I have so much I need to do over here. I can’t be sitting here thinking about fisting all the time. I have work, and family, and pets to take care of. And they need me to get my shit together. So back to reality for me…
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The Acid test, what a bunch of crap.
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Posted:Jan 6, 2010 7:37 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2010 3:19 pm 36842 Views
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Oh! I get it now. The BDSM Hierarchy writes the rules!!!
This article is very long so I have only included the main rebuttals. There are some valid points for sure, but some points (a lot actually) in my opinion are narrow minded and the very thing that bugs me about people who are "specialists in BDSM". Who says there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things? Oh, the BDSM Heirarchy. Got it.
The term "Acid Test" is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the "Acid Test" was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the "fool's" variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms.
Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.
There have been times I met someone and just knew it didn’t feel right for whatever reason. So I get what they are saying, instinct reads loud and clear (sometimes). As a savvy sub I feel can give it just a couple exchanges then I will have the full picture in no time.
However, I have made the mistake of throwing out prospective Doms too quickly because they came off peculiar or a certain way, or too picky or whatever, just to find later that they were very genuine and very cool, or, I was just inundated with mail.
Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG (Horny net guy) or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like "Please, call me Mike..."
Yes. Instant block. I mean sheesh, overcompensating for sure. We can tell very quickly who we would give that respect to. And such a man would never demand it off the bat, true. Ok, so the acid test, one point. But what is a "real Dom" anyway? Im sorry but wearing assless leather pants and carrying a bullwhip does not mean you are a real Dom any more than the loner who enjoys tying up a girl in his loft. Who writes those rules? That is the problem I have in general with this test truth be told.
Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Hm, yes. “Before you play with me” being the key words I guess. (Under consideration seems kind of silly to me as well. And a lot of Doms use that to keep a Sub from exploring, even tho they have no intention of every keeping them). But while we are on the subject of different types of collars and all, just what is collaring about? And who says it’s about just that? The subject of collars can seem a bit contrived pretty quickly in my opinion. Each one seems protocol based as well, that may be my main problem with it. The different ones have different meanings. (Too long to explain…but “temp, training, and slave” etc). Temporary collars give you that owned feeling during a scene and I’ve worn them. But it was a technicality. If you have gotten that far with me (to play) you are already a very trusted friend and I do feel completely yours at the moment anyway. But hey, why not, sure.
But being Collared/Owned is really a natural progression of how one feels. It’s something that happens whether you wear a collar or not. It becomes bigger than the both of you, so it’s a natural “next step” to formalize your situation, I get it. But you don’t HAVE to wear a collar for that do you? I mean, either way you are his right? You will know it when you feel it. It just…. Is.
I guess the whole subject of collars in general, some lifestylers having all these “rules” about them, kind of bugs me. They have to realize not everybody is into mainstream traditions like they are (in fact some see it as silly), and sorry but things HAVE changed since way back when (Janus etc). Its called change and guess what? It happens so no use getting too upset about it. Shrug.
Just remember, there is an underlying theme that happens in groups. That is why I have always felt that belonging to a group is somewhat weak (oh shit, hate mail for sure on that one). Don’t get me wrong, comradity has its’ place, and support is cool, but marching to your own drum can be quite rewarding. Bottom line, if you have to be heavily involved in a group to feel worth, well… I don’t buy it. And all the assless leather chaps in the world won’t change who you transform to after the public scene. The whimp who was picked on in school his whole life, now turns into the Master of the unuiverse at night as an adult, he finally fits in and has a place! Not all mind you, there are a lot of BDSM community people who are very cool! Live and let live. But there are some who are rather judgey. And in some groups the drama sometimes shows it’s ugly head now and then. No thanks.
So sometimes outsiders are judged harshly by the “real” BDSM community who wrote the book, ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM (I think the original version was written in Klingon btw). These are the same people who don’t let you into their “click”, and judge others because they don’t fit perfectly into the realm of the ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM book. Guess what? Some people have their own rules. Tolerance people! Look it up.
Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, , etc.]" This person is an HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!
Ok, GREAT point! Really. But why did they have to ruin it by throwing in that online bit (at the end) ? So… two parter.
Yes, a total sign of an idiot, commanding you to do things before they even know you. A HUGE mistake for anyone to make especially if they come across a seasoned submissive, they will be quite fucked for sure. Same idiots who refer to me as “” in the first email. They are LUCKY they have a computer between us for sure. There is a time and place for those terms (if that is something you both enjoy) but it’s not when someone first connects online OR in person. If online, I usually block them immediately after chastising, letting them know they are morons.
However the second part of this question, tisk tisk. “There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!” Contraire. There they go, judging the way others do things. Online is not ideal, but I’ve done it and I have to say it can be quite powerful. I have actually gone into subspace while being dom’d online, feeling my “cuntness” (not to be confused with my cunt, well okay that too!) complete with my hearing coming in and out, my heart beating out of my chest, dry mouth. If that connection is established, even online, it can be every bit as intense. Don’t knock it because you don’t understand it and it’s not in the book ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM. Don’t get me wrong, I would MUCH rather feel someone grabbing my hair etc in person. But I always had a great imagination as a . And I’m not above it.
Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." These are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget that.
Yep, very true. For the most part, a good Top/Dom will answer general questions. On the other hand what we should have learned by now is it’s not all Black and White, is it? There are some questions that answered, can take away from THE EXPERIENCE. A combination of trust, yet a little good healthy fear of the unknown is essential for a good Top/Dom/Sub experience.
Test #6: "It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have limits too, but it's your limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be "Dom" tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it's always lady's choice!
We are talking about Doms here right? Oh good, for a second I thought we were talking about Barney and friends! You say “Control freak” as if it’s a bad thing. For the most part, (and some may disagree) Doms have this cute little thing they do, they are Dominant. And for the most part (there are always exceptions) it IS their way or the fucking highway! Natural Alphas. They pretty much know what they want. You can try to gently sway but you really can’t change them. Ever try to top from the bottom? How far did that get you? With some Doms it will lead you right out the front door.
As Subs we don’t want to be in control! We want someone else to be in control, remember? And there is a big difference between abuse and control. Know the difference. Control freaks have their place in some relationships, micromanagement has a place, its all based on the dynamic between the two people, not one fits all here. Some of us love a control freak. NEED IT.
To not be in control, to serve, to be a good girl for him, to please, in HIS way that HE likes. Giving up complete control can be a wonderful thing.
Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: Would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex and cyber domination? Please take my word for it; The answer is no. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.
I would never talk for others like this. Oh but I forgot, these are ideas of the ALL KNOWING. You cannot judge every situation out there. Certainly there are some (most) Doms that want real time, and I get that for sure. However, online play can be very real. If you don’t think so, go ask the submissive who is pushed to go out in front of her neighbors to get the paper half naked, or is asked to go to the grocery store with the task to masturbate in front of a man in the car next to yours. And a thousand other scenarios/kinks/fetishes. I’m not big on it, but who the fuck am I to say it’s not for others? That is the writer’s opinion.
Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says "no," run for your life! If he says, "very rarely," at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.
Agreed. I have to say that having “expert” checked on everything is such a turnoff. Even if they are, (in a perfect world) they should have the confidence to not have to check mark it. Just my opinion, some may disagree though. And that’s ok.
Test #9: "I'm a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire... yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; If this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!
Ohhhhh myyyy gawdddd. Are you kidding me? Really? REALLY? Ok, there are no successful Doms (that go online). I see now. I’m sure there are plenty reading this now that will spit their coffee right onto their laptop. Why? Ohhh, because it says so in the book!
What the fuck? I’ve spoken to plenty of true Doms who are very successful due to their natural Dominant, self assured roles. Bank presidents, Judges, writers, HUGE sucessful men. Yes, there are men as well who are sick of being outwardly in control so they choose sexually to be submissive behind closed doors. But to generalize for every situation is just idiotic! Who the fuck wrote this again? Oh yea, the ALL KNOWING.
Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don't care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master.
Ha! Yes. I do hate that. But come on, isn’t that common sense? Most Subs see right through that right? If they don’t, they deserve what they get and need to learn it the hard way I guess (harsh, I know).
But there are exceptions, some have been raised around the lifestyle don’t forget, and are quite savvy/comfortable/versed having slaves in the house etc. No Black and White here. Remember that!
Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be "very experienced." Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNGs have female screen-names set up to act as "references" for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM scene it's the opposite; experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.
Yes, its hard to ask for such because some of us are naturally Submissive and have a hard time being forthright. I don’t. But especially if someone is in the scene its pretty easy to get their reputation from others in it. But what if they are a loner? (Almost everyone Ive played with) How do you know? I always make sure someone knows where I am. I even have texted a friend with a license plate number right there in the parking lot. Safety is key.
Test #12: "I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." OK, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triads) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the scene. But these couples were looking together. If a "Dom" has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!
Can’t agree or disagree. I have met real time Masters who feel the drama can escalate out of control when the subs get together, so they have forbidden it. And they are not fly by night Doms, but real Masters who have been doing this with integrity for 30 plus years. So it takes all kinds, and not every rule fits ever one situation.
Test #13: "I don't need safewords." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?
Ahem. Yes, we need to say more. Obviously if someone has inner anger issues then you shouldn’t be playing with them in the first place. Can't you see the signs of an insecure male? I think one can tell pretty quickly if that is the case by the tell tale signs, but no safe words are not always one of those signs. In normal cases, and you may not agree… are you sitting down? Hold on to your seat… here it comes…ready??? Safewords are UNNECESSARY in a true Dom/Sub connection.
Yep, that JUST happened.
I have never once needed a safeword, and Doms that I have been with didn’t need one either. They knew exactly when to stop. Trust is key. A good top will KNOW when you are ready to take on more. Ever hear of PUSH? It’s what most Submissives LIVE FOR (and you fucking know it) His default will be to try to gently push you out of your comfort zone. Safewords fuck everything up. With a good Top/Dom you will NOT NEED a safeword! Have one in place, yes. But if you truly trust him (which you should before putting yourself in that position) it’s his job to bring your mind around to meet the act for which he desires to give you, if you are not in that headspace, yet trust him, trust that you will be when you come out the other side unscathed. And afterward bathe in the satisfaction that your limits were just heightened and you are not worse for the wear. But you HAVE to have trust to do this. Trust. Learn it, Live it, Love it. Trust… Don’t play unless you have it.
Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their limits for them." If you hear a "Dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his "slave" is simply the victim of spousal abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.
See Test # 13. I’m no expert and I can’t say Ive written the ALL KNOWING RULES OF BDSM, but see above on this.
Test #15: "I'm married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.
You can’t build a good scene on lies… No? Because someone is married you can experience intensity with that person? Bullshit. Call me a liar then. I don’t give a fuck. It’s too Black and White of a statement. his is where each person has to make a choice whether they agree or dissagree. I will not put my opinion on you to change your mind. But dont put yours on me either. I’ve seen married Doms. I know that marriages are not always perfect. I’m not their mother. I know that men can love their wives immensely, and still possess this Dom side of them that needs to burst out. I know we have one life on this earth, and to live it solely for someone else is just a tragedy. I know that a side “thing” can sometimes help two married people stay together, especially if there is no sex involved between the two married, and the husband has a good handle on perspective. I know that some men have this part of them, this need, but their straight wives would be hurt if they knew. And the biggest thing I know, the bottom line, I DON’T FUCKING JUDGE OTHERS.
Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.
Yep. Common sense and instinct. Listen to it and learn from your past. Duh!
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Advice for novice subs
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Posted:Jan 5, 2010 11:01 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2010 12:43 pm 35323 Views
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Someone sent this to me randomly without expecting anything in return. He sends it to subs only to give them food for thought. If anyone would like to share it with others just cut and paste it, feel free.
Words to always think about just before you make a choice.
This saying works for nuclear disarmament's as well as letting a
man or woman control you.
Trust but Verify.
I would not expect you to blindly trust me.
Be careful who you bare your soul to. Too few will honor the gift, even fewer will know the value of it's worth.
Your Word
When one gives an assurance or promise or makes a sworn intention, one must make it come true. If one says he or she is going to do something, he or she should do it. People who keep their word are trusted and admired. People who do not are regarded like garbage. Those who break their word often never get another chance.
Live by what you think, not by what you've been told.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it (Aristotle)
Red Flags:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community?
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
 Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. (Im actually guilty of this myself as not everyone is into the BDSM community! But this is mainly advice for newbies anyway so on to it)
9) Consistently breaks promises.
10) Always finds excuses for not meeting.
11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12) Does not take personal responsibility.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. (that can actually be slightly debatable but Ill resist the temptation)
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17) Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
1 Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a True sub.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
21) Puts you down in front of other people.
22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
24) Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
2 Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
29) Belittles your ideas.
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
35) Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
36) Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
3 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39) Has multiple on line identities for interacting with the same communities.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
41) Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors. (A huge red flag for me in general. Have let good friendships go due to that. Shows a bigtime personality flaw in general and its a matter of time before you too get on their bad side!)
42) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
You should have control of yourself, if you don't have that, you should not give up any level of control.
The Dom/Master should respect you, if he does not then, it won't last long.
Both must be honest, trust can not be built without it.
A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you.
A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect.
A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears.
A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest whisper.
A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone.
A Man who will listen to a will be a Master who will always work to understand your words.
A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight.
A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way.
A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share.
A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give.
A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from.
A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms.
A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path.
A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you.
A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you.
A Man with an open mind will be a Master who never stops learning.
A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called your Master.
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Once you've had it...
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Posted:Dec 6, 2009 8:09 am
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2022 7:46 pm 33862 Views
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I've been expecting it for awhile now but I never thought that it would really happen. My desire for this lifestyle has gone from a strong urge, to a stream, to a trickle, to a puddle. That's what seems to have happened. My mind, my biggest organ, seems to have shut off. I'm not saying that it wont come back one day with the right inspiration, but Im not looking for that inspiration, it will have to find me. I have friends I keep in touch with online, good friends. But for now the desire for actual play is gone. Really ironic as hubby has stepped it up, even flogging me occasionally and he gets quite a kick from putting me through my paces with the crop etc.
He is perplexed as to why it is that I reject everyone who wants to meet us. The truth is, I won't settle, and no one seems worthy of the intensity I am capable of offering. And if I can't have it in that intense way that brings more healing within, I don't want it. Anything that resembles it, is just mirrors.
More importiantly, no one it seems can catch my attention. But I'm ok with that. I guess I'm guilty (I am told) of not giving anyone a chance to know me in that way. If I wanted to play, I have people in my life I can go to, but without the desire, that flame, there's really no rhyme or reason to go there.
This year as we celebrate new days, a new year, I will be content in knowing that I have experienced something so beautiful that nothing else compares. Nothing will ever take that way from me. Ive tasted it, Ive felt it. I am so thankful that this year I have had experiences that others have not dreamed of. I am lucky.
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