the "desperate for dick" dance
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Posted:Sep 29, 2022 8:55 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2022 5:39 am 2488 Views
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As my social experimenting continues on the gay hookup site Sniffies I am noticing a change in my attitude. Perhaps it was sexual frustration, or the pure lack of any real stimulation of that type for so long that fueled my original arousal, but that is quickly fading. What is replacing it is a kind of mild disgust mixed with humor.
I’ve already mentioned how reckless and stupid I think most of the men who post there are. They seem to think being on PREP is equivalent to being invincible to all diseases, which is simply not true. And even if you’re no longer worried about the Covid pandemic there is still the very real monkeypox situation that is practically targeting sexually active men. Ignoring all that is just dumb, and it’s turned my attitude a bit sour I’ll admit.
Then there are the guys who seem so desperate for sex or attention that they not only spend money to post separate ads, they also scramble to repost obsessively so theirs can be the first people see when they look in that section of the site. For instance; a man will put up an ad saying he wants to get fucked, that his door is open and he is blindfolded and ready to take any and all dicks that stop by. This ad is in the top spot for maybe a minute before it is replaced by a different posting from somebody else. Less than 2 / two minutes later, that guy looking to get fucked by any and all dicks is reposting, with maybe a bit more written to hopefully entice. This ad is in the top spot for another minute before a couple of guys post, and then it’s no longer in that coveted top spot. Can you guess what happens a minute later? Yep, the guy obsessively reposts, so that his ad can be the first seen. I know I’m being judgmental but that’s just sad and pathetic.
For the most part I see the same members, looking for the same things, and that isn’t surprising at all. It’s not very entertaining either, and doesn’t widen my scope of curiosity, so I’m starting to sour on the whole thing. No unique personalities anymore, continued reckless and idiotic behavior, and lazy messages from people that really don’t seem invested in accomplishing anything except trading a few pictures and words. There’s a level of desperation present as well, that totally turns me off. I think my experiment is nearly over and I will abandon my obsessive checking of ads and messages very soon. There are so many better things to do with my time and sexual energy, and even though it’s true I might have been using the site as masturbation fodder in the past, now I’m just staying away so I don’t lose my erection. Yep, I think it’s just about time to go.
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the pursued
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Posted:Sep 26, 2022 2:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2022 5:43 am 2156 Views
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Deciding whether or not to start having sex again has been kind of a big deal. My libido has been telling me to go ahead for quite some time now but the hip and pelvis, and the injury they sustained, have been saying slow down a bit and wait. Since my libido can only make me ache to put my penis into something, but my hip and pelvis can cause me to experience immense pain and discomfort, you can probably guess who I’ve listened to.
Somewhere a few posts back I think I half-joked about how getting back into filming adult content helped me regain some of my flexibility, simply due to the fact that I have to be able to do things like spread my legs if I want to look provocative. Since I added biking to the mix I’ve gained a lot more strength too, and I know my cock is strong and functional so the time seems right to entertain this notion. Well, it seems right for me anyways.
At this moment in time there are a bunch of risks involved with hooking up, even if it’s not with a total stranger. There might be a few people I know and trust, that I might risk STDs, poxes, and Covids with but that does not really seem very appealing. It’s always nice to be wanted, even pursued, so I can’t deny the urge to put myself out there is battling that urge to stay safe and wait a bit longer. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do yet.
Here’s the thing though; on top of all those risks I mentioned it’s also going to be very strange to “cheat on” my sex slave ChrisSwallows. I put that in quotes because we have no exclusive agreement, I just always felt I’d either spend my sexual energy on filming, or on him, since he is my sex slave after all. Watching him suck cock was my pleasure, but with all the risks involved that hasn’t been happening either. We’ve both been out of commission in our own way, but my situation has sort of changed. I want to be sought after, and indulge in some selfish pleasures. Perhaps candidates will line up, or maybe nobody of worth will appear, but I’m maybe going to do it. Or I might just do nothing at all.
What I know for certain, is that I am going to be the one who is pursued. If there is effort expended, it will be the other person, and not me. It might sound cliche’, but if I am going to start having intimate contact with people again I will be smart and play hard to get. Getting to know me is very easy; not only is there a slightly different version of this same blog on several sites, but I often invite folks to correspond with me. If I am perceived as not worth the time, so be it, but I will not waste mine in order to solidify that rejection. I am an intelligent, thoughtful, caring, honesty, fiercely loyal, romantic, creative, talented, funny, kind man who deserves to be pursued. Anything less and I’m selling myself short.
On the hookup site Sniffies this will probably not go over well, but I don’t much care, since that is really the last place I want to look for intimacy of any kind. Up until now someone pursuing me online or in real life has been a rarity, an oddity, a fluke but personally, I think I’m about due. Maybe it won’t happen this week, and perhaps I won’t be worth the chase for a while, but before I die I have faith that I will have the chance at 1 / one last love. More than sex, that is what I want, so if I am abstaining from anything I might as well abstain from it all. Then again, my dick can sometimes have a mind of its own, and the flesh is weak. I suppose I might succumb to my desires, but if I do the person is still going to earn the coupling. They’ll have to be the instigator and pursuer, and they’ll have to prove themselves safe as well as sane. Without both of those, I’m keeping my dick to myself.
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100 / one hundred things
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Posted:Sep 24, 2022 8:03 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2022 2:23 am 2724 Views
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“You’ve got so much stuff!” ChrisSwallows cries, looking across my room at the wall of boxes, totes and miscellanea that rests there. Of the things he is exclaiming about, over half have a very specific function or purpose when it comes time to move to my spot in Southern Oregon. Food, supplies, material to build my geodesic dome, stuff like that. There is a small section of things off to the side that I’m thinking about putting in storage for a little while but I don’t know yet. That decision has yet to be made, and it’s part of what this post is about.
Watching a lot of movies introduces you to a lot of novel, whacky ideas. Sometimes they are based on reality, or something that already exists, but they could just as easily be complete fabrications. You hear about things in movies that sound believable, but are they real or make believe? Sometimes you’ll hear a bit of wisdom that nearly blows your mind, then find out it’s from a Star Trek movie and for some people that lessens its value. Or you hear about a religion, or spiritual way of thinking and then find out it is completely made up, which means if you go out in the world seeking others who might also think and feel the same way you’d be looking for a long time. What is based on reality, and what is purely fantasy is sometimes difficult to discern, but for the most part it doesn’t matter. A good idea or way of thinking doesn’t need to have a worthwhile or mystic origin it just needs to motivate or touch you in some way. Even if it was made up by some writer, you can turn it into a reality simply by adopting it, doing it, believing it, living it.
One thing I came across in a movie recently, that I have decided to adopt, is this novel idea that a person should only own 100 / one hundred things. I’m sure the name of the flick will come to me later, but that’s not the point here. I don’t even remember liking the film all that much, so I’m not trying to recommend you watch it, but there was this idea written into it that has stuck with me. A character with a complicated past had decided to simplify his life, detach from society and move off grid. To further de/un complicate, he would only allow himself to own a certain number of things. You know that whole “the things you own, own you” saying? He didn’t want any part of that. If it wasn’t necessary, or didn’t hold serious sentimental value, he would live without it.
Looking around my room I can see the things I will absolutely need to survive on my plot in Southern Oregon, and I can also identify those items which I could definitely live without, but would not like it if I had to. Among them are my television and DVD collection, because dammit I love watching movies and can’t wait to do so in the middle of the desert, where there will literally be no sounds to compete with whatever is playing on the screen. I won’t have to turn the volume up hardly at all, and the sporadic thuds and vibrations from passing motorists will not exist. Nobody will be slamming the door to their apartment, or car doors, nor will I hear it when trash day comes and, well, you can guess the kind of noise that brings I’m sure. None of that to compete with, and I can fully immerse myself in a movie in a way I haven’t been able to since I can’t even remember when. Probably when I was a , or even younger. The thought leaves a big smile on my face.
There have been times in my life when I was a heavy consumer, and spent nearly every dime I had on things, and stuff. The older I get, the more I want to rid myself of that and feel unburdened. I am going to hate getting rid of 7 / seven boxes of books, because I’ve spent decades collecting them, and hefting them into and out of trucks every time I’ve moved, but most of all because I truly love literature. Not having to move those boxes any more will be nice, to be sure, but the loss will linger for a short time. Then I’ll take stock of my life, and how happy I am, and the fact that I don’t have them will seem insignificant. I will do my best to take just what I need with me when I leave here, and nothing extra, and if that number doesn’t exactly stay under 100 / one hundred I’ll probably make an exception. I’m not joining a religion, after all, and my mortal soul is not at risk. It’s just an idea that I think has some merit, and I want to explore it. And now I am going to go start counting my things…
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disappearing acts
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Posted:Sep 23, 2022 11:22 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2421 Views
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I’ve occasionally written about the fact that my fans, customers and readers are pretty damn silent. If there’s an opportunity to interact with me, or even just leave a simple comment, rare are the folks who take advantage. I am so damn available and nobody seems to care. Boo hoo. What I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned are the customers who interact with me long enough to get what they want, then abruptly vanish. It’s happened often enough that I’m surprised I haven’t written about it until now, but here I am.
There’s no denying I try to find some kind of strong(er) connection with the people in interact with. I’ve fallen prey to many who were simply, secretly trying to get me to provide masturbation fodder, and made myself the victim of more than 1 / one instance where I thought I was making a genuine friend, or approaching something close to affection and love. As an antisocial introvert who has been alone for a very long time I admit I do crave that connection, even if it’s digital. If I could just find it with 1 / one person I’d be quite satisfied, but what I get instead are lies and disappearing acts.
Take, for example, the most recent customer I was in direct contact with. He ordered an honest cock rating and tribute combo from me, which entailed him sending me pictures of his penis and me recording a video of myself rating it and jerking off to it. I’ve seen tons of females offering this so I felt I could up the ante by not only verbalizing my “feelings” toward the penis but also show how it aroused me by filming myself masturbating to the pictures. It was more involved than that, but you get the idea. So he paid, then provided the pictures, and it only took me a couple of days before I had his video ready. I uploaded it to Dropbox so he could have a copy and then sent him the link so he could retrieve it. There were notices for me that he had read all of my messages, and I know he downloaded the video, but I did not hear a word from him. After a couple of days I tried to send him a message but found his account had been deleted. Like many others before him he had asked for something, gotten it, and then disappeared.
Let’s face it; I got paid and that’s all I truly deserve from the transaction. Fans, customers and readers are not required to provide feedback, or even share a single word with me, they simply have to lurk in the background. When somebody orders a custom video from me it is not required that they thank me when I come through on my end. Nobody is being told they have to say whether they liked it or not, but I make sure to tell everyone that I am open to hearing anything, even if it is a criticism. Tell me anything you want, just talk to me! Alas, that’s not my luck. I get the silent fans and readers, and the disappearing customers.
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still perving after all these years
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Posted:Sep 22, 2022 8:25 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2581 Views
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Completely out the blue, and quite unexpectedly, someone reached out to me via email recently asking questions about the work I did with my former girlfriend and co-star Catherine de Sade. It seems a friend had shown this person a video of ours, made over a decade ago, and used the credits that I almost always put at the end to find a way to contact me. Of course they had no idea if we were still together, still making porn and all that, but that’s really not the point. It turns out the video they were shown was on a DVD, which means it can only be a set, small number of titles, since our days burning discs for sale were brief. The knowledge that someone who was a fan that long ago is still watching, and thinks it is good enough to show to others this many years later, is a bit of an ego stroke for me. I’ve always thought my writing or adult films would be my legacy, and it seems that might be true. I’m sure nobody is going to care about anything I did, be it music, writing or porn a few decades from now, but at least I know I strongly affected and influenced some folks while I was alive. Good enough for me.
I also reconnected with a friend from the past during this same period of time. A message showed up in my Inbox from someone I was only beginning to get to know back then, when I was still with Catherine de Sade. That version of me is so far from the current one in so many ways, and yet I do believe there’s still enough of the old (younger?) guy there to still be of interest. I’m not a huge train wreck, just a small hot mess. Life is on the upswing, and these sorts of “old” connections might just be an unintended product of that, or at the very least a welcome bonus. Reminding me that I was once a very different person is not a bad thing at all, but thankfully I’m not the kind of guy who tries to revisit or recreate the past. Whatever happens with my life, friendships, etc. now is disconnected from that in almost every way. I have learned from it, but I am not doomed to repeat it, nor do I want to.
The guy that wrote those old blog posts, made those perverted movies and had started getting close to that friend is gone, and he’s been replaced by someone who has been molded by all those old experiences, plus all that has occurred since. I am not who I once was, nor are any of you, but hopefully that means at least some of us are better versions. I believe I am, but if not I guess I can fall back on feeling good about once being pretty special to some folks who are still perving about the things I said and did after all these years. I'll settle for that.
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busy me
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Posted:Sep 20, 2022 7:27 am
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2022 8:25 am 2181 Views
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Every night I do roughly the same thing. It is what I refer to as my work schedule, and includes the following, but believe me there is more:
Check emails. Also check and respond to anything going on in Facebook, Twitter, FetLife, ManyVids.
Run through 2 / two ManyVids accounts and repost for all the other content producers who I hope will return the favor and repost my stuff.
Do a bunch of promotional posts on ManyVids for those same 2 / two accounts.
Upload and release 2 / two videos on Clips4Sale.
Write, even if I don’t actually publish a blog post.
Film content when it becomes bright enough in the room that I can use natural light.
Upload video to my laptop.
Upload video to editing program.
Edit and finalize video I just filmed.
And since keeping in shape and recovering from my hip injury is part of the process I have to include:
Abdominal work while sitting on exercise ball.
Rehab exercises with rubber bands.
Stretch and take brief but vigorous walks.
Maintain a strict diet and eating schedule.
Add to this my attempts to find a job recently, and you can see I keep myself pretty busy and try to remain responsible even when things are at their toughest. Once I get a job those first things revolving around my adult business may change, but I hope to still be able to accomplish most of it on top of my normal day. It’ll hopefully be a tough but beneficial time.
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your picture is worth zero words
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Posted:Sep 17, 2022 2:07 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2937 Views
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With Asperger’s, I sometimes have issues figuring out what people are thinking, feeling, or trying to convey. Lately I’ve been fond of saying you kind of have to hit me over the head with whatever you’re trying to get through to my brain. I’m not daft, I just know there is a slight handicap there, and the best way to communicate with me is to be direct and very blunt. Being vague or insinuating might get you the results you are looking for, or it might get me frustrated at you because you won’t just come right out and say _________. Most people that know me intimately have that figured out, but total strangers don’t, nor should they be expected to. That doesn’t excuse their lazy or lame behavior but at least I’m not delusional and believe they are out to get me or something. People are just lame and I have to accept that instead of getting bothered by it.
If you’ve ever been trolling for a hookup you know that it can be frustrating putting your all into a conversation only to have it not pan out, or worse reveal itself to be a fake. It gets to even the most dedicated of cruisers and horny fuckers, and before you know it they are so frustrated that they’re sending “Hey” or “Whatsup?” as a greeting or opening line. What’s worse (to me anyways) are the people that just send a photo. No words, just a picture of a cock, ass, mouth, you name it. Like I am psychic and supposed to know what it means. Of course the general goal is to get me to make that initial response, and then some of these guys up their game, but most don’t. They remain vague, noncommittal and monosyllabic. I grew tired of these kind of interactions quite a while ago, and have resorted to either ignoring them or sending a brief rebuke. Something simple like; “Try harder or don’t bother” does elicit the occasional response, though usually it’s an angry one. I’ve called quite a few guys lazy and let me tell you, they take umbrage to that. Not good times.
The picture of you laying back with your legs spread may communicate a very clear message to you / from you. You might be saying you are open and fully available or you might simply be drawing attention to your crotch. If you claim to be a bottom and are flashing me your junk this does not communicate to me that you are interested in, or prepared to engage in, anal intercourse. A picture of your ass would at least be a step in the right direction, but one of your cock and balls doesn’t even communicate you want to suck my dick. In the end you’re simply showing me some of your body parts, and without accompanying words I am left clueless as to your purpose. If you’re looking to hook up with me, leaving me frustrated and confused is probably not the way to start things out, is it?
Thankfully my time on the hookup site Sniffies has been almost purely recreational. I wasn’t there to actually hook up with anyone, just observe and maybe interact a bit, but that’s it. My time is drawing to a close but I can honestly say there isn’t much I will miss. Certainly not the single word greetings, or unsolicited photos of hairy asses.
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measuring in the no-no zone during these no-no times
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Posted:Sep 14, 2022 3:05 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2686 Views
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Technology can be wonderful, when it is working and hasn’t been broken down for weeks. The idea that I can go into a bicycle shop and use some sort of machine to measure which set of wheels would be appropriate for me does not tickle me with joy though. Long before there were machines to help decide what size frame a person should be riding on, there were other, simpler methods. Sometimes eschewing those older versions of things can be beneficial, but when it comes to measuring a person to see what size bike they should buy it’s really just 2 / two things; their height and their inseam. Since most people know how tall they are, that leaves a single, relatively easy task to perform. Except this is 2022 and things are very different these days.
If you haven’t guessed yet, I went to a bike shop to get measured, to make certain the next bike I get is the right size. After waiting a couple minutes in an empty store for a salesperson to appear, I was asked to wait a bit longer while he tried to locate a measuring device. Minutes passed and eventually he returned to explain that none of them were working. I joked that the only thing necessary was a tape measure and he mumbled a reply that I did not ask him to repeat. When he continued to claim he really couldn’t help me because the measuring devices weren’t operational I became frustrated. I mentioned that long before there were these machines he was relying on there had been other ways to measure, and he admitted that was true. Why then, was he not going to get a tape measure so we could do my inseam? Finally, after a bit of frustration, I got him to tell me. The act of placing 1 / one end of the tape measure basically at the tippy top of my thigh was expressly forbidden. Truth be told, it should be held even higher, but seats are adjustable, and being off a couple of inches makes little difference. He basically was not allowed to measure me.
I laughed, then I told him that I would gladly hold an end in the forbidden zone if that was all that was necessary. The salesman still seemed cautious but he relented. With my hand gripping the end of the cloth tape measure while shoved underneath my balls, the guy got down on his knees in front of me and unrolled the tape until it hit the floor. He took note of the number of inches and then we were done. That easy. No turning on machines, no pressing buttons, no technology required.
Do you know the joke, or fable, or whatever you want to call it about the writing utensils used during space exploration - specifically to the moon I think? I’m paraphrasing while ignorant here, but I think the gist was that America spent a ton of money and research time trying to perfect a pen that would write in zero gravity. If you’ve ever used a pen you know that if you were to try and write on the ceiling you’d only get a couple of sentences done before the ink would have begun settling in the opposite direction of the ball point. Well, anyways, while America was spending all this time and money trying to figure out how to write upside down with a pen the Russians were just using a pencil. This is immediately what leapt to mind after my visit to the bike shop was finished. Sometimes we try too hard, in too flashy or complicated manner, to accomplish the simplest things.
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jobs to avoid
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Posted:Sep 11, 2022 2:22 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2762 Views
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It’s been over 5 / five months since I was able to hold what one might consider a normal / straight / day job. The fall I took from the top of a ladder literally busted my chances of employment, and as a result my pocketbook has taken a huge hit. All of my savings are gone. I am flat broke and now way behind on bills and basic living expenses.
So I’ve begun looking for a job, knowing full well that I have some obvious limitations. My search has been pretty narrow because I’m really just hoping for a driving position. You know; something I can do while sitting on my ass most of the time. Of course there aren’t many situations where a driver does nothing but sit and operate the motor vehicle, so I’ve been wading through a glut of package delivery positions. The vast majority are companies who are taking care of packages from Amazon. What I mean is Amazon is paying them to deliver the stuff, but the drivers are not technically employed by Amazon. It’s a detail that doesn’t really matter, just more information than you needed.
At first I thought I could handle one of these jobs, but the more I looked at the details the more it seemed like a tough sell. They expected over 200 / two hundred deliveries a shift, and when I did the math that didn’t seem so reasonable. Desperation found me making an appointment with one of these companies anyways. We spoke on the phone, and it seemed the felony on my record might prevent me from getting hired, but the recruiter was willing to go through the motions. There was something about the process that made me feel like I was being sold something, versus being questioned and tested to see if I was worthy, or at the very least a good fit. It was clear these folks were desperate for drivers, without them saying a word. I agreed to an in-person interview the next day but admit that after giving it further consideration I decided not to pursue the job. Part of me was suspicious, but what it really boiled down to was my physical inability to do what they required. There was no way crippled me was going to meet their unreasonable quota, so I bailed.
Here’s the thing though; I was a no-show. I looked for the number the recruiter called from on my phone but didn’t recognize it, and in the end just decided to lazily forget the whole thing. Nearly an entire week went by before my phone randomly rang, and when I answered it was that very same recruiter, calling me to sheepishly inquire if I was still interested. You could hear in her voice how ridiculous she felt, and when I had her verbally confirm she was calling about the Amazon delivery job you could tell she had already accepted defeat. I politely told her I was not interested and that will hopefully be the end of that.
You know a job is bad when it feels like the people hiring you are trying to convince you to work for them. You definitely know something is wrong when they call you and ask if you’re still interested in working for them after you are a no-show to an in-person interview. If a game of cards were being played, that’s showing your entire hand right there, and it is a losing one from my perspective. I’ve had 3 / three other companies do something similar; they call and tell me they noticed I started an online application but did not finish. Was there something they could do to help me? To me, that’s a bit invasive, but to them it must just be part of the job. I don’t know how these people think I, the potential employee, view and perceive them but I don’t think it matters. They have a job to do, I have a job to find, and somewhere along the way we will all likely find what we are looking for. The process, who you meet, and what you see along the way are quite fascinating though. For now I will avoid these jobs, and these companies, but let’s see how long I hold out before desperation deals a new deck of cards. Who will be showing their hand then?
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and the winner is...
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Posted:Sep 7, 2022 10:16 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 11:19 pm 2427 Views
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It turns out as much as I want and need to get a job, I am just not quite ready yet. Or rather, I am ready, but not physically capable of doing the ones I have been applying to and hearing back from. Believe it or not nobody is hiring someone to just drive around and not deliver things. Imagine that! I’ve seen ads for shuttle and bus operators but my antisocial introverted state combined with my irrational responses to sound from my misophonia do not make me very good at customer service in that sort of environment. Being trapped in a vehicle with people who are irritating me for a myriad of reasons like talking too loud, playing music too loud, etc? Nope, can’t do that for sure. For the most part I’ve just been expressing interest in delivery positions that ultimately required more of me than I am currently capable of providing, so I changed my plans slightly. I’ll still be looking for work but won’t apply to things I can’t actually do yet, and meanwhile I will find a way to earn just enough to cover my monthly expenses. That’s going to be tough but I think I can do it.
There won’t be any money coming in from video sales, I can guarantee that. Even if I spend the next few days raking in hundreds I cannot get a payout until it is too late, but let’s not ourselves I don’t have that kind of conundrum to work through. I’m going to have to put a few hustles together but perhaps what I do earn can all be tax free, which is always my preference. When I start working for “the man” I’ll be paying big time, but at least I’ll also be earning that unemployment benefit that can come in handy when it’s time to stop working for that same “man”. I will take back cans and bottles, sell my personal possessions, clean and detail my sex slaves vehicles for him or whatever else needs to be done but I am not losing my land in Southern Oregon. I am already compromising with the cancellation of my auto insurance but it had to be done.
My progress will not plateau. It will continue to swiftly climb, I am going to make sure of that. My sex slave ChrisSwallows will keep me busy with projects at home that act as physical therapy and also help me gain weight and get my body back in shape. Soon I will indeed be capable of something crazy like delivering over 200 / two hundred packages in a 10 / ten hour shift, 4 / four days a week. I actually want to see if I’m up to the challenge, but right now I know I couldn’t do it. Maybe with a cane, but even then I don’t think so. In a few more weeks, I will be ready, and the risk of injuring myself again will also be greatly decreased. Seeing it typed out it looks like a smart decision I’m making, so I’m going to stick by it, but this is going to be a tough few weeks. Oh well, anything worthwhile usually has to be fought for, or earned, and I’m not going to shy away from that. Bring it on!
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