low tide
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Posted:May 15, 2022 9:37 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 7:19 am 2706 Views
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Low tide happens when the water recedes, leaving all the dead and dying sea life on the shore, exposed and destined to meet its final end. Some creatures will be scooped up by predators, thereby helping to continue the cycle of life, while others will simply perish because they are no longer in the water, where they belong. My life feels like it is at low tide but I know that doesn’t quite fit the situation I am in. Still, it’s difficult to shake the sensation that I am exposed, destined to meet some kind of end.
While my strides in physical rehabilitation might be measurable, my decline in mental health is not. I knew from the beginning it would be a struggle to maintain a positive attitude but I truly had no idea how difficult this would be. Depression is already a big part of my daily existence but the levels I’ve reached over the past few days are alarming. My desire to give up and give in is strong, and were I not a coward who worried about being punished after death, I’d probably have made some attempts by now to end it all. When you are already in a hole, digging yourself deeper takes you that much further from the light, and without that glow I am finding myself in depths of darkness I haven’t been in for many years. Do I really want to die? No, I just want the mental misery to end. That’s the way it has been most of my life.
On a recent Sunday I went to the library to return some DVDs, and pick up more. Being bed bound means I am spending a great deal of time watching movies, mostly for the sake of distraction and escape. I’ve been checking out nearly 2 / two dozen at a time, because on a typical day I can view as many as 3 / three, if not more. Without that, I’d surely go mad. With the cast on my right arm I was unable to play the guitar, and with the wrecked hip and pelvis I still cannot play the drums. Typing has gotten a bit easier but there is only so much work I can get accomplished before I am exhausted. A bit of blogging here, some video editing there, and then I’m left with hours and hours to fill. Sleep hasn’t been coming much better, though I admit I can sometimes get as much as 5 / five hours in a 24 / twenty four hour period now. I am stuck, I am sick, and there seems to be little chance of escape. Frustration is at an all time high and I experience explosive anger many times during the day. Were it not for the ability to escape into those movies I’d be more of a wreck than I am. It’s scary to think about.
That Sunday was a special day at the library. There was a book sale, and activities galore for families to enjoy. While I sat in my car, waiting for the doors to open I watched men, women and walk by on their way to storytelling, face painting, you name it. Happiness was all around me, but nowhere inside of me. I felt jealous and sad, even a bit angry at times. So much of what these people were experiencing is completely lost to me, never to be a part of my life again. I will never enjoy the love and intimacy that couples do, and the fact cuts me to the bone. It makes my soul ache with sadness. And really, what good is a life if it can’t be shared with at least 1 / one other person? The antisocial introvert that rules my very being wants to be alone, away from everyone and everything, but my heart is so desperate for the love of another. Just one more chance at it, one more glimmer of it. I know if I were to meet someone right now I would have nothing to offer but my wrecked self, and that doesn’t seem like enough. The plan is to rehabilitate and somehow get my life back in order, and back on track, but for what purpose? Why struggle to get better if there is no real meaning to my life beyond selfish goals and gratification? There are lots of questions boiling and building up inside of me, while answers seem to be rare and unclear. Uncertainty is destroying me.
I know depression passes, and the will to live is an automatic thing I don’t have to work to maintain, but happiness has never seemed further away than it does right now. I will not live simply for the sake of existing. If I physically get better, but emotionally cannot, this story might just end on a sour note. I’m not talking about suicide, just about giving up. What that means is yet to be determined because that decision has yet to be made. Writing about how I feel helps, but doesn’t cure anything, or alter my circumstances. I’m in that deep hole, trying to dig myself out while gazing up for that light that I need to guide me. On most days it is a battle I barely win, as the light remains dim and very far from me, but I haven’t decided to stop just yet. I believe there is a life worth living for me somewhere, and perhaps a companion to join me in experiencing it, so I will cling to that hope as long as I can. The alternative is too bleak to give serious consideration to right now, so I will just ignore it the best I can. I’ll keep working, watching movies, exercising and looking towards a future that has possibility. That’s the best I can do, and perhaps that is good enough. Perhaps it’ll help me make it to tomorrow, and the next day, without completely breaking down and giving up. That’s the struggle I am facing, fighting, and surviving one moment at a time. Maybe I’ll get lucky and during this low tide moment of life somebody will come by, see value in my broken form, and decide to pick me up and take me home to set me on a shelf and gaze at with a smile. Small hopes are better than none at all.
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sex drive; Reverse
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Posted:May 12, 2022 2:40 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 7:19 am 2514 Views
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There was a brief period a couple of weeks ago where I felt consistently horny. I don’t know what set of circumstances had to line up and remain to make that happen, but it did. During that time I did a fair amount of masturbating, and a wee bit of filming. With a low level of confidence I still attempted to receive oral pleasure from my sex slave ChrisSwallows, but that didn’t go so well. Though genuinely aroused, the sensations it brought forth were not all pleasant. I was still healing down there. Still am. It might be an erogenous zone but right now it’s one that feels a great deal of pain and discomfort, and stimulating myself only seems to heighten that. Orgasms feel good and bad at the same time. Sure the release is nice, as are the sensations leading up to it, but doing something that makes the muscles contracti in that area is not a pleasant experience. So I’m kind of done with the sexual stuff until I’ve healed a bit more.
Depression and uncertainty, added to the mix, have pretty much destroyed my libido for now. Even when I watch a movie that has attractive women or erotic scenes in it, nothing really stirs down there. I do experience an ache for intimacy, sex, flesh, perversion but it is deeper in me, closer to my heart. Even if I were fully healed the only outlet I’ve really had available was ChrisSwallows, and now that I’m damaged the chances of me ever experiencing anything with a woman have dwindled even further. I’m like the paraplegic character Joe, in Family Guy, who screams “Why do you take me here?” while they’re at a strip club. He’s dead from the waist down, so any ache and arousal he feels has to come from somewhere deeper. And having the ability to ease and satisfy that ache slowly disappear from your life is NOT arousing. It doesn’t make one horny or hopeful, just depressed and resigned. Nope, that doesn’t make my dick hard at all, believe it or not.
Yes I will eventually heal, and my sex slave ChrisSwallows and I will probably make up for lost time, but for now I have zero desire. Some days it feels like I am so uninterested I might never want to do anything of an intimate or sexual nature again, but my body is not quite ready to follow my sour mood there. I do like sex, even if it’s only with myself, and will do my best to enjoy it until my dying day. My desire right now may be nil, but long term I hope to once again revel and glory in my sexuality, wield my cock with power and pride, and cum my way to the grave. Then I can say I’ve shifted my sex drive from Reverse into Overdrive!
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that's what friends aren't for
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Posted:May 8, 2022 2:10 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 7:19 am 2504 Views
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For years now I have openly invited fans of my blog and customers who purchased my adult videos to contact me, hold conversations, and do that whole “get to know each other” thing. If you’re a regular reader you know I have been famously unsuccessful, referring to my readers and customers as the most silent bunch of perverts I’ve ever NOT met. Occasionally somebody will take me up on it though, and the results can vary greatly. Some exchange messages with me essentially hoping for masturbation fodder, and they usually get it on a limited basis, if for no other reason than I am just so happy to be communicating with them. More rare are the people I talk to who profess a kind of love and appreciation for me that borders on romantic. I like messaging and getting to know them because I am flattered, to say the least, but also because you never truly know what might develop between us. Being a super duper incredibly hardcore antisocial introvert means my chances of finding friendship or love are nearly non existent, so I pursue nearly every possibility. When someone professes a desire to get to know me on a deeper and more meaningful level I am prone to taking that seriously, and putting my all into it. Loyalty and honesty are the most important things to me, and I give them fully, expecting and actually demanding the same in return. Match my efforts, remain true, and there’s really no limit to what might develop but allow me to give my all while you give less - let’s just say that is usually a recipe for disaster and failure. Just as quickly as I allowed you into my life, and to get close to me, I will shut you out. Play games with me, or lie, and I drop you without hesitation or regret. That might seem cold-hearted but it keeps me from experiencing too much pain or disappointment.
I don’t recall how or why I initially began talking to M but I’m fairly certain he purchased some of my videos and we started a basic conversation online. What quickly developed was a budding friendship that was based heavily on arousal and acceptance. You see, M really had a thing for my cock, even though he’d been raised (or brainwashed or something) that sort of thinking was wrong. Our conversations were mostly about his conflicting desires, and his obsession with my penis. He wanted to explore with me, but felt guilty and confused about it, and the fact that we lived on opposite sides of the country made it so those thoughts and feelings were never acted upon. We’d discuss what it might be like to meet and get naked together, even make plans for a future we weren’t certain would ever arrive, but that’s really as far as it could realistically go. And so our dynamic was set, and remained as such, for many months. He would buy a few videos, trade messages with me, express how excited yet conflicted he was, and eventually retreat or disappear on me altogether. It was such a regular thing that it became predictable, and I did my best to go with the ebb and flow. I encouraged him to be more visceral and less intellectual about his desires, tried to lay the groundwork for acceptance of said desires, then watched as he freaked out and vocalized the need for a break. He’d disappear, and I’d be left with an empty spot where our conversations were. Love wasn’t developing, or anything like that, but I felt a true form of friendship was. It wasn’t healthy, but it helped to pass the time.
I’m sure it won’t surprise anyone when I say the relationship was doomed to fail; it was just a matter of time. That moment came recently, when we were going through the same cycle I described above, and I finally decided I’d had enough. Days earlier I had shared the fact that I was having a huge surge in views on TikTok, assuming he would at the very least pop over and see what was going on. Instead he sent me a lame but supportive message; something about how he was certain I would enjoy immense popularity on the site. That was clearly all the time he intended to spend on the subject, and the conversation quickly went back to where it usually was. He was enamored with my cock, wanted to meet some day in person and explore, but felt very guilty and conflicted by the thoughts and desires. Like a good friend I sent him numerous supportive messages, even going the extra mile and trying to help assuage his guilt. Instead of being grateful he eventually came back with some snippy reply about how I didn’t need to “sell” him on the notion that what he felt was okay to feel. It was followed with the typical, and familiar, lament that he needed to cool off and take a break. My response was immediate and brutal. I laid into him, expressing my frustration at the one-way street our relationship was, letting him know how disappointed I was that he had kept the conversation about sexual things, or his issues with them. The fact that he hadn’t even gone to TikTok to see why I was getting so many views was mentioned, but ultimately I just let him know that I felt he wasn’t a friend, just a selfish asshole. I voiced my frustrations and then said goodbye.
As desperate as I am for some form of interaction, I refuse to be used, or made to feel like I am unimportant. True friendship definitely goes both ways and the last thing I need is to waste time with someone who doesn’t understand or practice that. I am already missing the interactions we had, the messages we shared, and the feelings of arousal that often came when we would go in that direction but more than anything I am missing the act of getting to know someone I thought was my friend. In the end, I don’t need friends like M and am resigned to being alone, but it’s not my first choice. I’d sincerely love to make one new, genuine friend that I can trust, that is loyal and wants what we share to be authentic and reciprocal, but it seems like that is too much to hope for. I’m not ready to give up, nor am I eager to dive in head first and hope the water isn’t too shallow. What will be, will be, and the only real power I have is whether or not to allow someone into my life or not. If a person can be true, loyal and sincere they will likely have a place but if they are selfish and uncaring they will definitely not. To me, that is not what friends are for, or how they should be. Not mine anyways.
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going (kind of) viral
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Posted:May 5, 2022 6:03 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 7:19 am 2447 Views
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When I posted a rant on TikTok recently I expected it to get a small number of views, and little or no attention, just like the rest of my posts generally do. It was a “fuck you” to the people who purposefully modify the mufflers on their vehicles to make them obnoxiously loud, and was completely self-serving. I wasn’t actually trying to make a point, start a conversation, or get a reaction out of people it was just filler like everything else. And when I logged on a few hours after posting and saw that there were 5 / five comments I was only moderately surprised. I figured that would probably be the end of it. As I write this the number of views has passed 4000 and the comments are mostly negative, but it’s probably as “viral” as I’m ever going to get so I’m milking the moment for all it’s worth.
Of those initial 5 / five comments, every single one of them was negative. A couple were downright rude, a couple were sarcastic and kind of funny. I admit when I glanced at the first one I thought it was from a friend of mine, because it was basically a sarcastic rejoinder. The guy was saying how he planned on going out to get a device to make his muffler louder, just to piss me off. I had a smile on my face and in my heart - and then it finally dawned on me that it wasn’t posted by someone I know, but by an asshole whose intent was to piss me off. There was a momentary twinge of anger, followed by a slow burn of ambivalence, and then I pulled back and took in the other comments. Yep, all rude comments from rude people; so that was basically my reply. I closed my laptop and went about my day.
An hour or so later I glanced at my phone and found, to my surprise and delight, that the post was sort of blowing up and gaining attention. Sure the vast majority of people were either being rude or sarcastic, but the old saying of even bad publicity being good bounced around in my head. Normally views for my posts top out at just under 200, so seeing an extra 0 / zero on that end of that number (2000+ at that time) was actually kind of gratifying. I took the time to “love” every single comment, no matter how nasty, and even took a moment to respond to a few that I thought were particularly heinous or stupid. It wasn’t upsetting, it was fun, so I enjoyed myself. It’s difficult to get upset by juvenile replies like “shut up” or “who cares what you think?” especially when I truly don’t care about the opinion of others. Meanwhile my random rant was getting 4000+ views and a ton of comments, which only served to bolster my rating and status on the site. Negative attention or not, I am benefiting from it.
One thing to note; I deserve all the ire I have been receiving. When you start a rant by giving the middle finger to the camera and insulting people what do you expect? Rudeness begets rudeness, and to think I’m being treated unfairly would make me not only naive, but stupid. I will smile and “love” every single comment, no matter what it is, and enjoy my 15 / fifteen seconds of fame while it lasts. Chances are nothing I say or do will ever get this much attention so I color me tickled pink for now. I don’t know what actually constitutes going viral - how many views you really have to get to earn that designation - but my sort of version is going to be celebrated by me while it lasts.
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a complete 180
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Posted:May 2, 2022 9:36 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2022 6:02 am 2211 Views
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As I mentioned in a previous post, I am going to start vlogging on TikTok, and will sometimes cover the same material that I do here. In other words, if you ever get tired of reading and want to see / hear me instead, you can now do so. This post is a perfect example - a version of it will be on my TikTok very soon. I still enjoy writing though, so I am not going to completely disappear, you just won’t find me around as often as I used to be. No great loss I suppose.
Before my fall from a ladder in March I went to the same thrift store I’d been going to 7 / seven days a week, and shared a stressful moment with a fellow shopper. Even though the mask mandate had been lifted, staff still asked that we remain a respectable 6 / six feet from one another, which I admit can be tough at times, but is not impossible. The problem, you see, is that some folks take their shopping way too seriously, and can often get aggressive about their search through the items that are available for purchase. On this particular morning a young guy practically knocked me over because he was being inconsiderate, crowding me, reaching out and over me, and basically getting WAY into my personal space for no good reason. His search for something to buy (so he could resell it) seemed to supersede the need to be polite or considerate. I don’t take things like that very well, so I spoke up, and made a sarcastic remark. I basically told him to slow down and chill out, and his response was to tell me I should go to church. I didn’t ask what he meant, just assumed he was suggesting I was being rude, and should be more Christian-like, so I came back with yet another sarcastic rejoinder. This time I mocked his actions, and his obvious desperation for finding something to resell. The man who’d just suggested I go to church did a quick about-face (180 degrees) and began threatening me with violence.
That’s pretty much where the story ends. I said a few more nasty things then went about my business. I deserved his ire from the very beginning I suppose - at least I won’t argue or suggest I was attacked unprovoked. I’m not whining about some guy being rude to me, I am commenting on the fact that he went from “go to church” to “meet me outside so I can pummel you into the ground”. We all have a temper sometimes, but this kind of complete turn around often confounds me. I’m not even going to bash Christians and say this is how “they” are, because that’s simply not true, and I am trying to rid myself of those notions anyways. In the end it was just a guy being rude, which should neither confound nor surprise me. People are contradictory and prone to this sort of sudden shift I suppose. Had I wanted further confrontation I might have brought this up and asked, right then and there, how he could go from one extreme to the other but I didn’t want to waste 1 / one more moment on the situation. It happened, it’s over, I’ve moved on. And now I’m going to stop writing about it so you don’t waste any more time on it either.
As I said at the beginning of this post, should you wish to hear / see me share this story you can do so by visiting my TikTok. I am relegated to less than minutes so it’ll likely take you less time to watch it than read it. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time, and hope you have a great day.
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failed fornication
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Posted:Apr 30, 2022 8:45 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2022 9:36 am 2770 Views
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With my body slowly but consistently healing I have found myself feeling a bit randy recently. I’ve managed to film a few solo masturbation scenes but haven’t done much of anything else. I’m not randomly jerking off, and haven’t had sex of any kind despite the fact that I have a willing and eager friend and sex slave who is ready to do pretty much whatever I want living in the same house. The urge has come and gone but my body has made it clear that I’m not quite ready to resume getting deep throat blow jobs and stuff like that. Still, it’s hard to ignore that ache in my groin that comes with the desire to fornicate.
Yesterday I received a message from ChrisSwallows, stating that he was for my cock. The sentiment was well received but when I gave it some serious consideration I felt like I wasn’t quite ready yet. The injury and subsequent surgery happened to my hip and pelvis, so there’s still some swelling down there, and the pain never really quite goes away.
After basically rejecting his I took an Oxycodone, and admit that about an hour later it felt like maybe I could fool around a bit after all. The times I’d masturbated on camera had felt good, even if the orgasms themselves were a bit strange. The contractions and pulsating that came with them held a hint of discomfort but it was overall a pleasurable experience. In the end I was horny, and feeling confident, so I decided to go for it.
I waited until late in the evening and then invited my sex slave into my room. Dropping my pants and sitting back, I fed him my cock, and it felt pretty good for a moment. Then things started to tighten , and I began to feel slight twinges of pain right where the surgery scars are. It brought me out of the mood very quickly, and instead of dumping a load in his mouth I made him stop. It was clear the time was not quite right yet. More healing would be necessary before I could even handle the most basic blow job, let alone some aggressive, deep throat sex. Poor ChrisSwallows left disappointed, and I admit I wasn’t too thrilled with the situation myself. I want so badly for things to return to at least semi-normal, and when I can back and enjoy some oral sex that’ll be a good indication I am making the progress I desire. He and I have some lost time to make for and I hope to being doing just that in the near future. Going as long as I have without any stimulation is bizarre, and I don’t like it.
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Facebook hypocrisy
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Posted:Apr 27, 2022 4:08 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2022 8:44 pm 1983 Views
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I have long had a hate/hate relationship with Facebook and what it claims are the community standards. When my posts have been censored or deleted I know the reality is not that an actual group of people are looking and deciding they are inappropriate, it’s just a computer program that decides my fate. There is an algorithm installed that searches for words and images that have been deemed unacceptable, and even when I ask for a review I highly doubt any living being is getting involved. There is no fairness to the process, nor would any amount of complaining change that. When I post a picture that contains even a hint of nudity (but no actual nudity) it gets deleted, and there is nothing I seem to be able to say or do to get that decision reversed. The algorithm has detected something that may or may not actually be there and that’s pretty much the end of it. To fool myself into believing that asking for a review means an actual person is going to take a look and make a different decision is laughable. The people who own and run the site don’t care about fairness, they just go about the business of arbitrarily punishing me. Meanwhile other members seem to get away with the same sort of things, or even worse, and there is no explanation for it that I can see. It’s simply unfair, and nobody cares.
Take, for example, my recent attempts to sell a few items on Facebook Marketplace:
The bedroom bondage set, cock pump and statues with penises were all deemed inappropriate and taken down. Meanwhile, things that should probably be equally offensive are left up, like this:
Now before I go any further let me just say that I don’t find that image any more offensive or unacceptable than I do the others. A photo of a woman with her legs spread, pissing into a container is just as “okay” with me as one of a wooden statue from Jamaica with a huge schlong. The Facebook algorithm (i.e. community) apparently doesn’t see it the same way. To my eyes, that hypocritical but I am powerless to do anything about it. Thankfully I sold the phallic fellas to ChrisSwallows and won’t be missing out on a big payday if I cannot get rid of the other items. The unfair treatment is what bothers me the most. I know I should be used to it by now but that’s not how I function. I do not inured to things like that, I just get more frustrated. Best just to let it go and move on though, and thankfully this post will aid me in that process.
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genuine vs. manufactured
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Posted:Apr 25, 2022 12:48 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 7:19 am 2560 Views
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When you make adult content on a regular basis your body can grow accustomed to all the wonderful sensations it experiences and you begin to get used to it, even a bit desensitized to it. This can lead to bad movies because on the day you filmed you really weren’t feeling all that sexy, or horny, but you needed the footage so you went ahead and did something anyways. On days like that you can get lucky, or you can wind up trying really hard to get aroused, and stay that way. The results aren’t what you want but at least you got something recorded. That’s an awful way to go about making adult content, and I try to avoid it.
Genuine arousal and excitement, on the other hand, always look better to me than a performance, or something that feels fake or forced. Women can get away with a lot in this regard because they do not have a thing hanging between their legs that clearly indicates their level of arousal and excitement. Yes, there are pills a man could take for something like this, but I’m not the kind of person to go that route, so I rely on being able to genuinely turn myself on in some way on a pretty regular basis. The fact that I do not have much of a sex life outside of filming is a big factor, as is my libido. If I want to, and even on some days when I don’t, I can get excited and get off several times. With no sex partner, this happens much less often though. It’s a rare but joyous occasion.
When I am filming I might do something like attempt to record several different scenes in one sitting, though not when it comes to the orgasm department. For the most part, I know I am only going to get a single cum shot, so I do my best to deny myself release the entire time and build up a huge load that I know will look great on film when it is finally unleashed. This usually starts with me cross dressing and ends with me completely naked, aching to explode. Those are the films where you can tell I am genuinely aroused versus trying to manufacture it. Things like being online with a fan, or trying to arrange for anonymous sex are also good sources of authentic arousal for me. My cock is rock hard nearly the entire time, and you won’t catch me stroking it too often to keep it that way.
On this particular day, I was at my laptop looking for people to film with, and had been for quite some time. My cock was hard, I was stroking it infrequently, and I thought I’d just set the camera up and continue. The results were fantastic, especially since you can tell when I’m really excited and when I’m starting to get distracted by typing responses or something. Genuine moments like that are what drive me to keep watching porn others create, since it is literally the same thing over and over again. A woman getting fucked is sexy, there’s no denying that, but a woman getting fucked in a hotel room by some guy she just met downstairs in the bar is something quite different. The realism is what makes a sex scene interesting to me now, so that is what I strive for in my own movies. That’s really REALLY difficult to do when you make solo content though, but when I do accomplish it the results are noteworthy. Seeing my cock “that” engorged and seeing a cum shot “that” big is what I’d like to capture more often, but I’ll happily settle for the semi rare moments I am getting. Believe me, seeing genuine arousal versus manufacturing it is no contest - I am all about providing and experiencing the real thing.
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TikTok and you don't stop
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Posted:Apr 22, 2022 3:14 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2022 12:48 pm 2253 Views
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When I first started posting on TikTok I did so just about every single day. Then I fell off a ladder and things stalled, for obvious reasons. While I was in the hospital though, I did begin posting again, but the focus was 100% about what was happening to me at that time. Now it’s a mixed bag, but mostly I am absent. That’s something I need to change.
When I first started, the subject matter of my posts was repetitive, but as I got more comfortable my intention was to begin branching out a bit. Instead of just videos of me playing drums and messing around with my African Grey parrot friend Ziggy, I tried to expand, and began a few series of posts on Misophonia, sex and sexuality, and the visual version of this blog. It was a strong beginning, and since I am 49 / forty nine years old, and have lived one hell of a life, there won’t be a shortage of things for me to babble about at the camera any time soon. I just need to get back in the swing of things.
I never wanted to be a talking head, but it appears I will be anyways. Oh well, better the embrace it then resist, right? With more time spent creating content for TikTok, and with my hand still badly handicapped by a splint, you probably won’t see too much of me here, or if you do I might be trying to direct you to my videos. I’ve always despised the censorship here anyways, and often tried to get you all to check out my WordPress version of this blog, but even there I am limited to what kind of pictures I can show. TikTok is going to be limiting in that way as well, but at least I won’t have to watch what I say. They have an algorithm, but thankfully it’s not good enough to search for “bad” or “banned” words that are spoken. Not that I am aware of anyways. So stop by and see what I have to say (uncensored) and what’s going on in my life in general.
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God's reset button
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Posted:Apr 21, 2022 4:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2022 3:14 am 2444 Views
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On the afternoon of March 24th, 2022 I was standing on the top of a 6 / six foot ladder, where I shouldn’t have been, yanking on a board and trying to dislodge it from the side of the house. I couldn’t locate the screw that was holding it in place because it was covered with a layer of sealant. There was a bit of frustration attached to my actions, along with an abundance of stupidity. Although balanced precariously, I figured I had things pretty under control. I’d been doing various versions of dumb shit like this all day while helping to tear down what I’m going to call a sun room, located right outside my living space. The sun was shining and it felt good to be working, to be productive, even to be destructive. Then the board gave way and you can kind of guess what happened next.
I did have half a second to react, but that’s about it. Then I was spinning, and falling towards the ground, essentially landing on my right arm and hip. The arm was fractured near the wrist and my hip busted right through my pelvis. Even writing about it now, my heart gets to racing a bit. It was painful, and stupid, and I wish it hadn’t happened. I think I spent 10 / ten days in the hospital, and have been home for a couple weeks now, maybe more. Between pain and medication things are still a bit fuzzy for me. Recovery and rehabilitation is going to be long and arduous, and I am not looking forward to any of it.
I landed on the pavement, but writhed in pain and wound up face down in the gravel. My sex slave ChrisSwallows took a photo of me with his phone, as you can see. I was just laying there hoping beyond hope that the fall wasn’t as bad as it felt. Eventually I tried to roll over and the pain was intense. I’m surprised I didn’t pass out, or vomit, because that is usually my reaction to something like this. An ambulance was called, I was transported to the hospital, and the damage assessed. Obviously escaping to my own little slice of paradise in Southern Oregon has been put on hold, but so were the plans ChrisSwallows had to sell his home to his progeny. That’s extremely lucky for me, because I don’t even think I’ll be able to revert to what one might consider a normal existence for several months. He is being very supportive and understanding, and I couldn’t ask for more. Now it’s just about getting better, one day at a time. Progress is painful, but it can be measured. Taking 2 / two pain pills every 4 / four hours has changed to 1 / one every 6 / six hours, and I am more mobile ever day. God hit the reset button on my ass but at least that’s all it was. I’ll be disabled, and never quite the same physically, but at least I’m still alive and there’s a chance I’ll still make my escape. It’s just going to take a bit longer for me to get there. Blessings counted.
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