my orgasms are not my own (again)
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Posted:Sep 16, 2023 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2727 Views
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The erotic massages I provide gay men lean heavily towards the erotic aspect, and since I advocate mutual touch, and tout myself as being beautifully hung (because I am) it stands to reason that my customers are going to expect to see, and likely feel, a nice big dick at some point. If that is true, an erection is necessary, because I am a grower and not a shower. In order to get erect, I must be aroused, and therein lies the rub; I am not attracted to men at all, and many of my are in fact VERY unattractive, so how do I manage to get hard over and over again without the aid of pills?
In a word; abstinence.
Since I am essentially available every day, that means I need my cock to get erect every day, or at least potentially so. It means I do not have a sex life of any kind, including a personal / solo one, because I need to keep my desire strong. Simply going without works very well. I have no girlfriend, so not only am I not getting regular sex I am also not getting intimacy of any kind. No cuddling, kissing, caressing, you name it. I don’t want to do these things with men, and in fact don’t, but just being touched by them feels damn good and it takes no effort to get an erection. The dynamic also arouses me. The feeling of hands, lips, mouth on my body turns me on greatly. Being admired and actually lusted after is a huge turn on. So I feed off of that when I am with a guy, and abstain from anything in between . It’s not fun, but it works.
It means, however, that my orgasms are not my own anymore. I have to save them for , or if I maybe don’t have one during a session I can’t just go home and jerk off to get that release. That sexual energy and tension needs to be saved for the next potential . Of course it could be days before I book an appointment, but during that time I do not hook up randomly with anyone, or even my own hand. It’s kind of a sweet torture, honestly. Orgasms are fantastic, there’s no denying that, but putting them off for a while can be a lot of fun as well. Lately, I’ve edging myself. More and more are leaving me unsatisfied (in that way) and I am trying to feed off of that energy during what I’ll call my down time. There’s a little bit of masturbation going on, just to keep that tension and desire burning low. I’ve had a couple days recently where I had to see 2 / two guys in a single day, and had I busted a nut during the 1st / first I would in all likelihood have canceled the 2nd / second, because once I cum I am done! With women I can pause, rest, reset and continue sometimes but that has EVERYTHING to do with genuine arousal, and as I have stated many times I do not find men sexually appealing. For the most part.
And when I do cave in, masturbate, and make myself orgasm there is often regret attached to it. I know it means I might not greet the next opportunity to give a massage with the correct level of enthusiasm, because I am in fact often not enthused. It all boils down to being smart about how and where I focus my sexual energy, and practicing a bit of self control. I’ve never known those things to be bad for me, and now that my libido is sort of my money maker I am leaning upon them heavily. So far, it’s working out quite well.
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if I had a nickel for every time I needed a nickel...
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Posted:Sep 12, 2023 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2715 Views
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Money is the bane of my existence. When I have it, I do my best to spend it wisely, and I am VERY good at saving it, but it’s the “making” of it that frequently eludes me. This is a chronic and longstanding issue that has plagued me throughout my life, and it certainly isn’t letting up now. I need Money, don’t have it, and can’t seem to find a way to earn it.
Actually, I’ve found many ways to earn, it’s just that they are neither consistent, nor reliable, and even all put together it’s not enough to call it making a living. I can barely pay the most basic of bills, let alone something as involved as rent, car payment, insurance, etc. The heating bill? Garbage, electricity, whatever you can think of - it is not within my reach. Right now I need to purchase a vehicle to help my chances of 1) getting a independent contractor job that requires I own one and 2) getting more gay massage since I’m still limiting myself to customers who are near me because I am biking to them. The purchase of a vehicle I do not have enough Money for will result in new monthly bills that I cannot afford, and the potential for larger ones should something go wrong. A purchase that maybe costs me 2 / two grand immediately triples my monthly bills because you have to add insurance, gas, and basic upkeep.
So I search for a job that requires a vehicle, and if I land one then I can maybe buy one on good faith. Meanwhile foul weather days are creeping in and I’m still dedicated to riding my bicycle to take care of massage , while also doing surveys online, job searching, uploading new adult material, selling personal belongings and doing everything I can to get by and scrape together as much as I can for whatever comes next. Maybe I’ll get lucky and land a job that requires a vehicle and that whole story will have a happy ending because rainy days are coming, and I fear my savings might be going towards that.
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sexy but dangerous
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Posted:Sep 3, 2023 3:36 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 3229 Views
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In my life, I’ve taken some risks that could have landed me in big trouble, and I don’t mean going out and willfully committing crimes. I’m talking about potential hookups that might have led to a weapon being pulled on me, or even my arrest. There are a ton of men and women out there who have “forced” fantasies of varying degrees, and there are nearly as many weirdos like me looking to make those fantasies a reality. Whether it is being taken in an alleyway by a group of men or being taken advantage of while sleeping or otherwise incapacitated, many of you want to give up power in a big way. I’ve put myself in the middle of a few situations where someone looking in from the outside would definitely think I was doing an evil deed, but it never resulted in anything but mutual gratification on some level.
Fast-forward to a recent (potential) massage who suggested that I come to his home and wake him up “the right way”. We didn’t discuss exactly what that meant, I just went ahead and agreed that it sounded like a wicked fun idea. In the next few messages he sent me details; his address, time he woke up, and even supplied a map of the complex he lived in so I’d know exactly where to go. Heck, he went as far as to highlight where the sliding glass door was, that I could creep through quietly. You can imagine this made me feel torn; it was a great deal of helpful information, but the guy was still anonymous to me. We were communicating via rentmasseur so I truly had no idea if anything was legit, or if the whole thing might be a set up, prank, joke, whatever you might call it. So I agreed to everything with a single stipulation; he had to send me a text message on my phone before I’d actually go through with it.
Now, this was not really a “forced” fantasy per se’. I mean, his intention was not to “wake up” and struggle, he just wanted me to wake him up with a massage (and whatever followed). I wasn’t worried about that aspect of the situation so much as the anonymity he was capable of hiding behind, should everything turn out to be a sick joke, and I find myself actually sneaking into the apartment of a unwitting stranger. If the would send me a text message it would make me feel like a level of trust was achieved, and also give me something to show the police should they get involved because it turned out to be bullshit. Basically I was just trying to cover my ass.
The end of the story is that the guy did not follow through as instructed. It turns out he was “for real” but couldn’t manage the simple task of finding my contact information on rentmassuer, and sending me that required text. Instead, he left his number for me to send him a message, but unfortunately I did not log back in until it was too late. We exchanged a few messages after that, but I was impatient and a bit passive aggressive, so he blocked me. That’s probably for the best, but I am not proud of myself. I’m just as likely to get overwhelmed and not see the button to click for contact information on a site as anyone, and that was his only bad deed. It might have been a fun experience, and I’d have gotten paid for it, but I set my expectations too high and did not have enough patience. Lesson learned.
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role reversal
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Posted:Aug 27, 2023 3:51 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 3176 Views
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Call it a gimmick, or maybe just a plea for a little bit of attention, but I have begun offering potential gay massage the opportunity to flip the script, and be the person giving the massage instead of receiving it. Basically I’ll pedal to their house with my overtaxed legs, get naked, lay down and let them soothe my aching muscles. These last few days I’ve not only put on a lot of miles, I’ve also been painting the house, so I am sore and in need from top to bottom.
It is my hope, of course, that these guys will want to provide me with a happy ending, but totally not necessary. I just want to kick back, relax, and enjoy the sensation instead of giving it. And no, I’m not interested in doing a massage exchange with anyone, I want the focus to be on my pleasure from start to finish.
How many people do I think are going to clamor for the opportunity to pay me to get a massage from them? Well, if I’m being honest, I’m betting just one. To have it happen just once would be fine with me.
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kiss my ass, not my lips
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Posted:Aug 19, 2023 6:39 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 3045 Views
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Any of you who have seen the movie “Pretty Woman” might remember that Julia Roberts played a lady-for-hire who falls in love with a . Or maybe it’s the other way around; he falls for her. Either way, there’s a moment where they are still and when Julia Roberts is explaining her rules, or limits, one of which is that she does not allow kissing on the mouth. In her words; it is too intimate. I have a similar rule, but not for the same reason. I don’t mind that the act of kissing someone is intimate I just don’t like that, in general, men have stinky breath and are bad kissers. I’m open to, and willing to do quite a bit with men, but kissing is not one of them. That’s not stated outright in my profile on rentmasseur, for example, but I usually make it clear pretty quickly when I finally meet a in person. I have 0 / zero desire to share that specific level of intimacy. There are no maybes or ifs in my proclamation; I do not like it and will not do it. Yet so many men still push me to, and even try to get away with stealing a kiss sometimes. I know and understand it’s mostly a power game, but I don’t enjoy playing it.
You can maybe guess, before I continue typing, what this post is going to be about then. Yes, some decided to try and kiss me, and it not only angered me, it threatened to ruin the entire session. After he voiced his deep desire, and I made it clear I did not kiss men, he tried to steal one anyways. When I didn’t violently pull away I guess he saw it as some unspoken signal to push his luck and try to stick his tongue in my mouth. My anger flared but I think my reaction was professional and reasonable. Understanding the situation I was in, and the job I was doing, I tried to be light about it, not confrontational. His reaction was to literally roll over and turn his back on me, like a pouting . I honestly couldn’t believe I was seeing this sort of thing from a man older than myself by at least a decade, but I couldn’t just bail on the situation. Not only would I have been out a payday, he’d arranged for my transportation to his home, which meant I was kind of stuck. Sure, I could have left and called a taxi, or ride share or whatever, but I was more interested in the money. Plus, when it comes to human sexuality I oftentimes don’t mind a challenge.
Without getting graphic I’ll just say that the session ended quite well. He was thrilled, I could come stay at his house any time I wanted to just get away from things, blah blah blah. It was one of the more difficult, uncomfortable situations I’ve been in, and I was grateful when it was over and I was on my way home. The guy tipped well, which was nice, but he also gave the Uber driver the wrong address to deliver me to, and by the time I paid attention enough to realize it he already had another fare lined up. Rather than cause a fuss, I just had him drop me off and I walked the rest of the way home. It felt like a fitting end to the night of folly, if I’m being honest. It gave me time to reflect, decompress and eventually laugh it off. Things could be better, and likely they’ll get worse, so better just enjoy the journey as much as I can.
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but for what purpose?
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Posted:Aug 18, 2023 1:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2383 Views
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The “bigger” questions keep circling in my head, trying to interrupt basic thought functions with their insistent nattering. What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to make enough money to fulfill my bucket list when there is zero stability to be had right now? And if I strive for stability will I ever get to do the things I want to do before I die? The last fucking thing I want is to drop dead on my way to work, or while at work. If that happens, please lie about the way I perished and make up some cool story. That is not how I want to go.
Even when I resign myself to joining the rat race, if only for a brief period, things don’t happen for me. There have been lots of applications filled out, and resumes attached, but few replies and even fewer attempts to set up an interview. While I’ve expanded my search the opportunities seem to have shrunk, and I’m not sure if that’s because there are more bodies available during the summer months, when school is out, or what other factors are coming into play. It feels like I get a lot of empty interest from employers that never goes anywhere, and I’m not sure why.
The work from home options haven’t panned out yet either. Maybe there is something genuinely lucrative out there, waiting for me to discover it, but my search has not yet unearthed it. Even my friend ChrisSwallows is having a tough time. He has some publishing gig I am eager to assist him with, because I do love to write, but I’m not sure he’s convinced it’s legitimate and not a scam. Perhaps he invested in his future, or maybe he got lied to. Someday he’ll find out, but for now we’re both broke and a bit tired of being so.
Which is where questions of how to resolve that come into play, but more importantly, to what end? Are we going to try to make money just to make more money, to pay bills and basically survive, or ??? What is the purpose of earning a wage if you don’t have a plan for it that goes beyond simply being a good citizen consumer? I’ve been asking that question my entire life, and doing my best to exist and function outside of it, which is a gigantic reason why I am in the situation I am in today.
This life was not meant to be lived for the sake of retirement, or to only be a truly free, open and fulfilling experience in our twilight years, it was meant to be lived and experienced every moment of every day. That sort of thinking has led me to extreme highs, and equally extreme lows, but it has defined my journey. Living for the moment has no future though, so at 50 / fifty years old I am still unpracticed at planning for a day that for all I know might not come. As a result, I am homeless, jobless, mentally wrecked and filled with regret - but oh what an INCREDIBLE journey it has been! Perhaps the tradeoff doesn’t seem so great now, when things are tough, but I’d be hard pressed to decide which parts of my past to give up for more stability in the present, or in my future. This moment is the thing, even if this moment is a miserable one.
None of this answers the questions of what to do next, nor does it even help me to decide. I do not know what the next step is.
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it's not all bad
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Posted:Aug 15, 2023 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2055 Views
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Something I don’t want to do is leave the impression that I am having a horrible time being a gay masseur, because nothing could be further from the truth. As with any job, there are moments when it definitely sucks, for various reasons, but overall I would say I have little to complain about. The fact that I genuinely get aroused quite often is testament to the fact that it’s not all bad. As I am fond of saying; the dick don’t lie. There are benefits beyond the freedom to make my own schedule and the excellent pay. There are also negatives, and even risks, so like anything else a balance needs to be struck. I’m working on that.
As of this moment just working as a gay masseur is not sustainable enough. There are many factors at play but the bottom line is I need a more stable job that gives me a paycheck I can consistently rely on. If I’m going to accomplish any of my goals, be they on the bucket list or otherwise, I have to keep making progress and not plateau. I think even if I took away the fact that I only bike to I think there are still too many limitations to what I can offer, and what I can actually pull off. Eventually the fact that I am not gay and not attracted to men does come into play, so either my appointments are spaced apart or I start taking pills or I don’t know what. All this worry and supposition assumes an increase in interest if I tell everyone I have transportation now. It also assumes I will start traveling the distances necessary, that I often find ridiculous. I need to put it in perspective though, and stop acting like 20 / twenty miles both ways is too far to drive. It’s not like I’m driving that 5 / five days a week, it’s just for a single , and likely for just a single hour.
So yes, I need a bit of an attitude adjustment to make things a bit more lucrative, but it still isn’t a plan that will get me reliable transportation and a chance to stop checking things off my bucket list like driving to Grants Pass and jamming 1 / one last time with my friend Luke whom I spent time in prison with. He’s the guy I entered the talent contest with while we were there, and the plug was pulled on our performance. That’s another story entirely. I also want to go see my , whom I haven’t been around in MANY years, and who lives quite a bit further away from me than Luke does. Working toward those simple goals is what I’m doing right now, and massaging guys is helping a bit, but not fast enough. So I’ll earn the easy dough while I can, enjoy myself as much as I can in the process, and continue to look for something more suitable for the long term. Being a gay masseur is not all that bad, but things overall need to get a lot better.
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the ick factor
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Posted:Aug 13, 2023 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2062 Views
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I am not attracted to men. That’s not to say that I don’t think some men are attractive, because I do, but there isn’t a single dude out there that makes me ache with lust. Plenty of women do, and I barely have to catch a glimpse of their legs as they walk by a window sometimes. I find women of all shapes and sizes sexy, and visually inviting, but I cannot say the same for men. Any arousal I feel or exhibit is a combination of dynamic and most likely a forced bit of abstinence. I learned I was heteroflexible very early in life, but what it boiled down to was that I was just sexual. I’d prefer to get naked and have fun with a female, but if I’m horny and not doing anything I find distasteful, then a man will do just fine. I’ve had my cock sucked more by men than women throughout my life, but rarely was it my preference. Desperation, convenience, or circumstance were usually the deciding factors. It wasn’t until I met ChrisSwallows that it sort of evolved, for a brief time, into something more voyeuristic for me, but in the end my preferences and desires were always clear. Even if I couldn’t vocalize it, my body made it undeniable, especially in the groin area. The dick don’t lie.
So it went during my last foray into gay massage, and so it has gone again during this one, that my level of desire has waned to nearly nothing. No matter how much I abstain, and no matter how hard I try to get myself revved up and into the mood, I am having a tough time of it. Only a few things remain that might get me aroused, and perhaps eventually get me off, but there’s no guarantee any of them will happen when I am with a massage . Yet all of them fully expect me to exhibit arousal from the act of touching them, getting them to lower their inhibitions, and so on. And for the most part, most of the time it does naturally and genuinely arouse me, but when it doesn’t the pressure to be erect can actually destroy the possibility of it happening at all. It’s a strange space to navigate but I’m doing my best. Thankfully, if you can end a session with a bang (his or mine) the time prior is almost certainly forgotten. Meanwhile, I’m actually dreading the next encounter, which I definitely should NOT be doing. I want to go back to feeling less pressure and enjoying myself more, and I think that will come through and heighten interactions. Right now I feel like I’d enter with a cloud of doom following right behind me.
Men often ick me out because of their hygiene, or lack of it. Guys constantly want to kiss me but their breath is atrocious! I’m not even sure mine is all that fresh, so the last thing I want to do is share that. Thankfully the vast majority of my massage have made sure to be showered and fresh before I arrived, and I’ve done my best to return the favor despite bicycling to them. My body does a magnificent job of regulating my body temperature when it comes to heat, so I sweat very little, and therefore do not arrive ripe and salty. Come wintertime though, it bites me in the ass big time. I need several layers just to keep warm. I know some guys like musk, or the musky smell of a man, so I try to cater to their desires. For my part, I like a person to smell clean, and even flowery. Definitely not sweaty. Gay massage is a job though, and I can only dictate so much. I try to hint heavily of my preference before we meet and I think the majority are happy to oblige. Nobody has asked me to show up sweaty on purpose yet, but the day it happens I’ll be happy to oblige. I just might have to pedal around the block a few extra times before I ring the doorbell…
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you can’t have A without B, but first you have to do C and get D
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Posted:Aug 9, 2023 8:36 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2189 Views
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When I started out doing the gay massage thing the only form of transportation available to me was my bicycle, so I wove that into my profile. I told everyone I was the eco-friendly, GREEN masseur and promised to ride to homes. This obviously limited my range and meant I had to let down a few people because they just lived too far away for it to be realistic, riding to them. So I plugged away, did my best, and managed to earn enough to purchase another vehicle. Now that I have it, I should be able to drive to see that are further away, right?
Well, there’s the matter of replacing the tires, which doesn’t need to happen right away, but will soon. There’s also a thing called auto insurance that I have to find money for, and since I get a large discount by paying for 6 / six months at a time it means I have to come up with more than just a few bucks. The vehicle has expired tags, and those are never cheap. So you see, I have that thing that should help me make more money, but I cannot use it until I make a lot more money. Is that the definition of a catch-22?
I do believe it is.
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still unemployed, still homeless
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Posted:Aug 5, 2023 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:33 pm 2149 Views
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Don’t let the fact that I am staying with my friend ChrisSwallows fool you; I am by definition still very much a homeless person. He could, at any moment, decide it’s time for me to go and I would be in trouble. The original plan to shelter in my van would go into effect. As it stands, I have a roof over my head every night, which I am grateful for, but I do not have a home. There is no security in my situation, nor do I have any control, autonomy, privacy. This is NOT a complaint in ANY WAY, it is just the reality of things. I am still very much homeless.
The same can definitely be said for an occupation. I continue to look, every day, but there are many obstacles, and just as many dead ends. Deals that sound too good to be true turn out to be just that, and other situations that sound terrible wind up being even worse than I imagined. Doing gay massage could be lucrative if I were driving to instead of limiting myself to distances that I can bike to. I’d certainly be doing a lot better than I am right now. There’s potential for the purchase of another vehicle in my future, but regardless I know I cannot sustain for very long. My true attraction is not to men, so I’ve been getting lucky in that regard, when it comes to the service I provide. It’s one thing to get an erection when a guy you don’t find attractive is sucking your cock, but it’s quite another to accomplish that while you’re massaging him. I’m not knocking anyone, just saying that getting hard when I have my hands on a body type that I don’t find particularly appealing is not always an easy task. Being abstinent between works well, as does making it through a session without having an orgasm. That’s probably revealing too much, but you get the idea.
There are also remote, side hustle opportunities that I am looking into, but so far each has been a waste of time. I’m not saying the jobs themselves aren’t legitimate, it’s just that at some point it becomes clear I am not qualified, or not going to make it any further due to a glitch in the system. Wasted time exploring these jobs leaves me highly frustrated. Actually, the entire experience has me stressed out, and feeling hopeless. Am I still THAT unemployable? Is EVERYTHING a scam? As options dwindle, am I going to find myself facing the decision of whether or not to accept a job that I hate, just to survive? That last one is what scares me the most. I just want to work somewhere, doing something that doesn’t drive me insane. Not entirely sure what that is, but I’m looking!
Some compromises are going to have to be made soon. My firm belief that a person shouldn’t have to drive 20 / twenty miles to work (and another 20 / twenty home) may have to be set aside out of necessity. I’m obviously not going to be traveling that distance every day on my bicycle, but even with a motorized vehicle of some sort it seems excessive. I’m not sure what other sacrifices I’m looking at, but my quality of life is definitely going to go down considerably in the near future. Working a regular job, with regular folks, hasn’t agreed with me for MANY years. Alas, money is all that matters in this world, and I have none.
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